overcoming fear

[bertie123]

Hi all.

Hope this doesn't sound odd.

I took up riding in my 40's encouraged by my daughter who still owns her own mare. I loved it. Part loaned a steady eddie for a bit, did a few beach rides ect, then due to work/money etc... my lessons kind of dropped off but I'd like to start again. Problem is fear. I'm now 50.

In 2018 my husband suffered a life changing medical event which was traumatic but he survived, he has done so well fighting back and resuming normal life and then last September it all went horribly wrong when my husband and daughter were hit by a dangerous driver whilst they were on a motorbike. Daughter ok but husband not so good.

I therefore feel that I cannot risk any injury to myself for fear of 'no- one being around' to look after people should things go wrong. It seems irrational and silly but its really holding me back and its so frustrating.

Does anyone else struggle with this kind of fear? and what do you tell yourself to overcome it? Thanks

 

[daydreamer]

That doesn't sound irrational or silly at all! I'm no expert and don't have any similar experience but it sounds like you have had some pretty traumatic experiences so it may be useful to seek professional help of some sort. I'm a fan of Jane Pike who helps horse riders with confidence and generally dealing with life. There are probably some free resources of hers you can listen to, some of it is based on somatic work - the idea that your body can store emotions and you can't necessarily just get rid of them by thinking. There are loads of other options out there - counselling, CBT, the tapping thing. I think it would be tricky to just talk yourself out of this! I hope it goes well for you x

 

[Pearlsasinger]

When you are in a position to take up riding again, make sure that you only ride sensible trustworthy horses that you are least likely to fall off. No-one can guarantee that you will never fall off but you can weight the odds into your favour.

 

[Highmileagecob]

Did you ever get injured whilst riding Steady Eddie? Agree with Pearlsasinger - minimise the risks as much as possible, then go and enjoy!

 

[Surbie]

You say you are 50. Without wanting to assume anything, could menopause be impacting your confidence at all?

I have sudden and irrational fear since starting mine. My confidence has gone through the floor and I see doom where there is none. It does really hold me back and I have found getting the HRT to the right balance, as well as upping VitB and magnesium, has made a massive difference.

 

[poiuytrewq]

I don't think that's odd irrational or silly. I think when you or family have had a near miss it really hits home and puts things into perspective.
Is there a nice RS or something locally that you could just explain this too and see if they can help.

Good luck

 

[AthenesOwl]

Oh goodness, as others have said, this isn’t irrational. You’ve experienced two events which must have been very traumatic, and during which, I assume, you needed to take on caring responsibilities. No wonder it’s affected your confidence and you’ve become fearful of injury.

Depending on the type of injury your husband experienced, are there any associated charities which offer counselling or psychological support for carers? Something generic may be helpful, as you may find what’s happened to your husband, and then your husband and daughter’s accident, have actually impacted on more than just your confidence riding.

I’m sure it’s hard not to, but please don’t think you’re being silly. You’ve been through so much and it must be so difficult when something you previously enjoyed has become something you’re now fearful of.

 

[NobodyPutsBabyInACorner]

Totally understandable after everything you've been through! I am far more risk-averse with my riding than when I was younger. I think this is mostly for health reasons- I had a minor stroke a couple of years ago, no lasting harm thankfully but I am on bloodthinners for life so I know that if I fall, I have a higher risk of injury. Part of the fear is that I have two school-age children who depend on me so I totally get where you are coming from in terms of family needing you. I take the approach of minimising my risk as much as possible- I will only ride steady eddie types these days and always wear my body protector. I also stick to hacking and schooling (no whizzing round xc courses like I did in my younger days!), although, I haven't completely ruled out ever jumping again one day. With this in mind, I have been able to (mostly!) relax and enjoy my riding. I returned to riding last year after a lengthy break and it has been the best thing I ever did for myself!

 

[Wizpop]

Nothing irrational at all. You have had a series of traumatic incidents involving those you love. You now have a situation where you are caring for someone who is possibly dependent on you, or at least , that is how it seems. This highlights the risks that you might be taking by riding, as you see yourself as being at risk due to the nature of the sport. There are two things to consider here. Firstly, are you afraid that you might not be able to care for your husband if you risked getting injured? Secondly, are you fearing riding anyway?
If you really want to ride, but lack confidence then I would strongly recommend finding an NLP practitioner - to help you think about the situation in a more helpful way-look for recommendations, as this could be a huge help. Secondly, you probably need to look at the practicalities of caring for your husband, as in help and support from family or outside agencies to allow you to have a quality of life outside the home, doing things you enjoy which will enrich your life.

 

[Skib]

After a friend died in a hacking accident, I went for a walk only lesson in the school. Then a walk only hack. I gradually found that sitting on a safe dull cob for an hour gave me more pleasure than fear, so I began normal riding again.
But my first try at mounting was not good. I was shaking. The RI told me crossly, either to get on the horse or go home. I got on and that was that.

 

[Red-1]

When mum was ill with dementia and I was her only LPA or person to do practical arranging, I started cutting back to walk-hacking. In the end, I sold the horse and bought a staid cob.

I too was nervous of anything happening to me when I had caring duties. But, rather than think this was wrong, I embraced it and made myself as safe as possible.

Once mum died, I bought a just backed 4yo from Ireland and cracked on.

Last year, my husband died unexpectedly and suddenly. I went back to not wanting to do anything and quit riding altogether for a while. I needed to make arrangements for my safety and the safety of my animals.

Now it is all arranged, and I once more have someone to look out for me, I am back cracking on.

I don't think it is always wrong to pull back and take care for a while. I think the destructive thing is if you berate yourself for it.

 

[Skib]

it has been the best thing I ever did for myself!

Yes. It isnt often mentioned that riding can keep a person sane and happy. It does me but I dont know why. It is crazy really to feel safe and comfortable sitting on the back of a big prey animal.