Parents living through they're kids

[Shantara]

Have any of you seen parents living they're dreams, through they're kids?

I've seen so many parents screaming from the sidelines, making snarky comments at other kids and I've even heard "Oh, you don't need that, it's only a SECOND place rosette, just leave it here"

One woman even entered the ring and smacked the pony over the jump!!! Saying how badly her child had done and how she'll be "in trouble when she gets home" WHAT?! Poor kid!

 

[OldNag]

I am living through my kids but hopefully in a nicer way.... have now got my first pony (in my forties). I know my kids think she's theirs, but I know she's really mine

I know what you mean though.

 

[tinap]

We get about a lot with the daughter & pony & have got to say yes we see a lot!! My last words to my girl before she goes in the ring are always "have fun & wait for the bell"!! but I have heard kids being told that they haven't come all this way for them to do crap etc! I see kids crying as soon as there's a pole down because they know they will get a b******ing, which they do if the parents even stay around to watch them finish the course! Tbf the majority aren't like this but those few do make a bad atmosphere, & its usually those that have remortgaged their house to buy little jimmy that top 128 pony !! My girl is hard enough on herself so I think its my job to cheer her up if it goes wrong - what's done is done there's no changing it. I think it helps that I don't ride too

 

[ibot]

i always think its really sad. I always wonder what they are going to do when the kids leave home

 

[tinap]

Wait for grandkids!!!

 

[superted1989]

See it so often and it makes me sad, and pleased I didn't have horsey parents! I do inwardly chuckle when the kids that have been berated through lead rein, first ridden, cradle stakes etc, turn into teenagers and leave the mums to do absolutely everything..............mucking out, grooming, plaiting, warming pony up etc etc! Then, teenager just gets on and goes in the ring either to win, with kudos from friends, or doesn't and blames mum for pony not being smart enough, warmed up enough etc etc!

 

[tinap]

^^^ Haha!! Yea, see this a lot too !!

 

[FabioandFreddy]

Unfortunately see it a lot!!! Have seen one little girl finishing her SJ course in tears because of her Mum shouting at her from the fence! She'll probably give up horses if her Mum carries on like that as it takes the enjoyment out of it! Makes me glad my parents aren't horsey in the least!

 

[skydancer]

These parents really annoy me - i back my kids the whole way until THEY decide they want to do something different or want to stop. I have 13 and 8 year old girls one loves horses and the other hates them??- but thats their decision not mine - ive had my childhood and now its their turn

 

[Cuffey]

Unfortunately see it a lot!!! Have seen one little girl finishing her SJ course in tears because of her Mum shouting at her from the fence! She'll probably give up horses if her Mum carries on like that as it takes the enjoyment out of it! Makes me glad my parents aren't horsey in the least!

Hopefully some judges will eliminate her saying loudly 'for outside assistance''

Yes see all sorts, hyper ponies and Mum at ringside terrified but pony has been bought to win.
Mums conducting the warm up and telling them 'how to ride' and then the de-brief of what they did wrong afterwards.
Kids with latest bitting arrangement and no steering etc
Remember from ages ago a couple of kids who got ''beaten up'' if they did not win and same Dad later saying it cost £200 a weekend to BE so he was going to do well or else--that boy no longer rides as an adult
A girl over-horsed and thrown into eventing too young--ran away from home

 

[xBumblebeex]

I support my children in all that they do. It is fantastic when they do well, but all I ask is they they have fun and try their best.
It does however take a lot of time, effort and money when it comes to going to things like in our case, Pony Club Championships. My sons team did not get placed as high as they would have liked to, but they worked their little socks off, and I am the proudest mum in the world. If I did not think that they had put in the effort, I would have to admit that I would have not been happy.

I know the type of people you are talking about, I have seen it only too often. My kids could come last, but if they try hard and and have improved on what they are doing, then that is fantastic! and if they don't enjoy it then, What's the point?

 

[jeeve]

I understand what you are saying, and agree that it is really unpleasant.

Though I do have to say that I do get annoyed if my kids do not put in an effort. So for example, when the kids had ODE, I was extremely annoyed when both of them told me they were not going to walk the X country course because they knew it. (All participants had jmped a practice course about 3 weeks prior to the event). I told them that it may have chnaged, even if not the jumps, the position of the flags may have changed, and it was not worth getting eliminated for a careless error that could have been avoided. I am sure that at that moment i semed like a pushy mum, wanting her kids to win.

Not so - I did want them to get around safely and without elimination. I did want them to put sufficient effort in.

I went to a fair bit of effort to get them there, including having my brother travel an hour from the city to float them there and back, because I had lost my drivers licence. (and the neighbour to float them to the practice day). I also was up till midnight getting everything ready and packed, and then up at 5am the next day, and now they are telling me they don't need to do their bit. So yes I was quite adamant that they would walk the course.

They did end up walking it twice with other kids from the club, i left them to it, and went and had a cup of tea to calm down.

It is the same when they are playing a team sport, I dont care if they win or lose, but I do expect them to play to the best of their ability - such as attempt to be in right position at right tim, be a good sport etc.

 

[Luci07]

I understand what you are saying, and agree that it is really unpleasant.

Though I do have to say that I do get annoyed if my kids do not put in an effort. So for example, when the kids had ODE, I was extremely annoyed when both of them told me they were not going to walk the X country course because they knew it. (All participants had jmped a practice course about 3 weeks prior to the event). I told them that it may have chnaged, even if not the jumps, the position of the flags may have changed, and it was not worth getting eliminated for a careless error that could have been avoided. I am sure that at that moment i semed like a pushy mum, wanting her kids to win.

Not so - I did want them to get around safely and without elimination. I did want them to put sufficient effort in.

I went to a fair bit of effort to get them there, including having my brother travel an hour from the city to float them there and back, because I had lost my drivers licence. (and the neighbour to float them to the practice day). I also was up till midnight getting everything ready and packed, and then up at 5am the next day, and now they are telling me they don't need to do their bit. So yes I was quite adamant that they would walk the course.

They did end up walking it twice with other kids from the club, i left them to it, and went and had a cup of tea to calm down.

It is the same when they are playing a team sport, I dont care if they win or lose, but I do expect them to play to the best of their ability - such as attempt to be in right position at right tim, be a good sport etc.

That is somewhat different though! and I too would have been furious if I had been you.

Slightly off side - but I always applauded Zara Phillips for actually having the wotsits to event. Not only is she a royal so will of course get a huge amount of attention but having had BOTH parents be so sucessful must make it a hard act to follow. Plus of course people who assume she must be so far ahead because she would have pots of money and top trainers. (being flippant on the last 2 scores, I have no idea/not my business as to her financial arrangements). She isn't one of my favourite event riders but I always thought that she had to a lot of courage to contemplate going down this particular path!

 

[PolarSkye]

We've got one of those at our yard . . . mother apparently (and I say that b/c I'm suspicious about some of her "stories") evented up to Intermediate and now (rather little) daughter has loan of two ponies at our yard. Daughter is an ok rider - quite timid - not very gutsy - and both ponies are quite advanced in years and would quite like a quiet life (and owe no'one nothing) . . . one is 18 and the other is 23. I (and others) have heard her at competitions either slating the pony (both of whom are worth their weight in gold) or outright bullying her daughter . . . . e.g., "it's a cr*p pony, you'll never get decent marks with that trot, for God's sake CANTER," etc. Just this last weekend we held a small comp at our yard - dressage on the Saturday and jumping on the Sunday . . . I wrote for one of the dressage judges and after this little girl and her (utterly adorable) pony had finished the test and were walking up the track back to the stables the judge turned to me and said: "I think her Mum is telling her off!" . . . sigh.

She's a nice enough woman, but I just hate the way she talks to her daughter. She is the ultimate pushy mother.

P

 

[Mithras]

Slightly off side - but I always applauded Zara Phillips for actually having the wotsits to event. Not only is she a royal so will of course get a huge amount of attention but having had BOTH parents be so sucessful must make it a hard act to follow. Plus of course people who assume she must be so far ahead because she would have pots of money and top trainers. (being flippant on the last 2 scores, I have no idea/not my business as to her financial arrangements). She isn't one of my favourite event riders but I always thought that she had to a lot of courage to contemplate going down this particular path!

Although perhaps having parents who actually kept their own interests in life once they had children set her a good example? I've just spent a weekend with the relatives, who have absolutely no hobbies in life, no interests, nothing. My husband is convinced they had children to give them something to do! I can see how the phonomenon of living through your kids arises. While its nice to do stuff with your children, being unable to do anything at all without them present doesn't make them particularly good company.

 

[jeeve]

Although perhaps having parents who actually kept their own interests in life once they had children set her a good example? I've just spent a weekend with the relatives, who have absolutely no hobbies in life, no interests, nothing. My husband is convinced they had children to give them something to do! I can see how the phonomenon of living through your kids arises. While its nice to do stuff with your children, being unable to do anything at all without them present doesn't make them particularly good company.

Agreed with this the more full your own life, the less that you live your life through kids, and also having parents not interested in the sport you take up also helps avoid the need to live your life through theirs.

 

[Cop-Pop]

I can remember when I was competing ponies as a child and later as a teen - you always knew who to avoid, which parents would try and pysche out the competition and wind up other people's ponies I can remeber one mother going round everyone who had clear rounds and giving them false information about the jump off course

 

[OldNag]

I can remember when I was competing ponies as a child and later as a teen - you always knew who to avoid, which parents would try and pysche out the competition and wind up other people's ponies I can remeber one mother going round everyone who had clear rounds and giving them false information about the jump off course

Goodness, that's not just pushy that's terrible. Fancy teaching your kids to be so devious and unsporting.

 

[OldNag]

Agreed with this the more full your own life, the less that you live your life through kids, and also having parents not interested in the sport you take up also helps avoid the need to live your life through theirs.

Absolutely agree. I'm delighted that my kids are really enjoying horses, but if they decide it's not for them then that's fine. Meanwhile, it's getting them lots of fresh air and exercise and they are loving it.

Even my OH, who doesn't "do" horses, and didn't like the idea of getting a pony, has conceded that it's been a good move.

I do hope they'll carry on but if they don't, they don't. But it'll have been a great learning experience for them.

 

[Ibblebibble]

absolutely refuse to be a pushy parent which is why my daughter has never been to a show or pony club or anything else, she just wants to hack about on her pony for her own enjoyment and that's fine by me

 

[welshcobnewbie]

As a child of a pushy parent I know how it feels.

My horses from the age of ten where "Proper" horses/ponies They where machines to be worked, Not to have fun on. I didn't get the Chance to hack with my friends, Or spend summers mooching for hours,going to the beach or general kids stuff you got upto 17 years ago. And there wasn't any doubt about how the horses where bred ect an unknown bred horse wasn't considered.

On more than one occasion i was in tears because I knew we hadn't done well enough.Even schooling had me in tears at times, Hours and hours of screaming and shouting Until we got something right, in all weathers. Never a pat on the back when we did. Sarcasm was all i got.

And to be honest it soured my love of horses, I think i can safely say i couldn't feel anything for the horses we had,If we did badly on consecutive shows the horse was gone Within days.

I now own a horse for fun. Every single piece of showing kit i had was sold once i moved out of my mums. I doubt i will ever want to show again.

 

[Shutterbug]

As a child of a pushy parent I know how it feels.

My horses from the age of ten where "Proper" horses/ponies They where machines to be worked, Not to have fun on. I didn't get the Chance to hack with my friends, Or spend summers mooching for hours,going to the beach or general kids stuff you got upto 17 years ago. And there wasn't any doubt about how the horses where bred ect an unknown bred horse wasn't considered.

On more than one occasion i was in tears because I knew we hadn't done well enough.Even schooling had me in tears at times, Hours and hours of screaming and shouting Until we got something right, in all weathers. Never a pat on the back when we did. Sarcasm was all i got.

And to be honest it soured my love of horses, I think i can safely say i couldn't feel anything for the horses we had,If we did badly on consecutive shows the horse was gone Within days.

I now own a horse for fun. Every single piece of showing kit i had was sold once i moved out of my mums. I doubt i will ever want to show again.

I just find that so incredibly sad to read - you must have had so much to live up to and no child should be under that much pressure. I actually want to give you a hug lol

My kids have things they love doing but they are never pushed to do it, they choose to do it because it makes them happy and if they are happy I am happy.

 

[welshcobnewbie]

I just find that so incredibly sad to read - you must have had so much to live up to and no child should be under that much pressure. I actually want to give you a hug lol

My kids have things they love doing but they are never pushed to do it, they choose to do it because it makes them happy and if they are happy I am happy.

I did indeed, All because my mother gave up horses to get married and have kids at a very early age. (she hasn't ridden a day in her life since).

At 27 i am now living my childhood years of horse ownership. I won't mention what my mother said when i told her my latest ned had once again come from the auctions, was of unknown breeding and hasn't done anything for three years. My previous "fun" horse (my first i bought myself) Sadly had a heart attack at my feet nearly four years ago ,was also bought from an auction and was of unknown breeding!.

 

[Shutterbug]

I did indeed, All because my mother gave up horses to get married and have kids at a very early age. (she hasn't ridden a day in her life since).

At 27 i am now living my childhood years of horse ownership. I won't mention what my mother said when i told her my latest ned had once again come from the auctions, was of unknown breeding and hasn't done anything for three years. My previous "fun" horse (my first i bought myself) Sadly had a heart attack at my feet nearly four years ago ,was also bought from an auction and was of unknown breeding!.

Good for you for getting on and enjoying horses YOUR way. I'm glad it didn't totally put you off

 

[Piglet]

Feel desperately sorry for the children, far too much pressure to win as Mummy and Daddy have got a bank loan to pay for their little darling to be the next Ellen or Zara. What proud Mummy or Daddy need to learn is their little darling has probably no talent, I came from horsey parents and had ponies when I was a kid, but they were the not the GTI type, if I remember rightly one pony I had would never jump (I always got eliminated at the 1st fence) always last in gymkhana games buy hunting - he was fab. I used to look on enviously at my friends on their little Welshies and Welshie crosses winning gymkhana games, cups for jumping etc. When I got my perfect little horse, I really appreciated him due to my years of lazy ponies. Pressure from my parents to win? Nah I don't think so!!!

 

[Magicmillbrook]

I suppose I do/did a bit, but never in a negative way. Even when things go pear shaped you can always think of something positive to say. When my daughter was 10 I started riding myself. I very occassionly compete and wouldnt appreciate my daughter being pushy and unpleasant to me, so why would I do it to her.

 

[1ST1]

This is exactly why my husband, who is a very popular dressage trainer, refuses point blank to teach our 7-year old daughter. He sees so many of these parents that he has a deep fear of becoming like them. But daughter adores horses and I started to take her to a nearby riding club for lessons. I'm hoping that maybe in time her father would relent and teach her himself.

 

[fatpiggy]

Hey Welshcobnewbie, you sound just like a little girl I knew at my old yard. Mother was just plain evil and thought she owned the place because she'd bought one of their cast-off showjumpers. Poor kid was on this 16.3hh when she was only 11. She should have had a hairy pony and been whizzing about having fun on it at that age, and enjoying time with her friends. She was a lovely girl, beautiful manners and a pleasure to have around but wasn't allowed to be anything other than what mother wanted. I didn't see her for quite a few years until one day I heard that the worm had turned big time and the daughter had told her mother what she really thought of her, left home and gone to live with her boyfriend when she was only 16.

 

[Madam Min]

When I was a kid, there was one girl who use to ride on the same class lesson as me and it was clear she was terrified of horses and really didn't want to be there. However her mum kept bringing her clearly living her childhood through her daughter. One week I think we were jumping and the girl said she didn't want to jump and her mum pipped up " now then suchabody remember that conversation we had in the car"

 

[skint1]

As a child of a pushy parent I know how it feels.

My horses from the age of ten where "Proper" horses/ponies They where machines to be worked, Not to have fun on. I didn't get the Chance to hack with my friends, Or spend summers mooching for hours,going to the beach or general kids stuff you got upto 17 years ago. And there wasn't any doubt about how the horses where bred ect an unknown bred horse wasn't considered.

On more than one occasion i was in tears because I knew we hadn't done well enough.Even schooling had me in tears at times, Hours and hours of screaming and shouting Until we got something right, in all weathers. Never a pat on the back when we did. Sarcasm was all i got.

And to be honest it soured my love of horses, I think i can safely say i couldn't feel anything for the horses we had,If we did badly on consecutive shows the horse was gone Within days.

I now own a horse for fun. Every single piece of showing kit i had was sold once i moved out of my mums. I doubt i will ever want to show again.

That's really sad. (though good to hear you now have a horse you can enjoy) I always wanted a horse as a kid but wasn't able to for a number of reasons, it was even hard for me to have lessons or spend any time with horses so I gave up riding when I discovered boys .

I've been lucky to be able to provide my daughter with ponies and horses when she proved to be interested, and I have so enjoyed having them in our lives for my own selfish reasons so I guess I am living through her in that sense. However for me, much more than competing, I have enjoyed giving her the opportunity to mooch, have fun, dress her pony up in sparkly pink spangles, do silly gymkhana games, go on long hacks and the lot. I've enjoyed watching her grow as a woman and a horse woman and learn the many lessons her first horse (a 3yo ex racer- how much of a horse mum can I be to buy THAT for a 16yo?!)