Parents of teenage competitors - Support needed!

If she was 13 then fair enough, but she is 16, old enough to be classed as an adult. I am not the only one on here who was holding down a full time job at that age. She needs to give you more respect, and I think that is how I would put it to her, it is a respect issue. She is obviously a very lucky young lady to have you as a mother, and she needs to appreciate that. My parents, like many others, were not in the slightest bit horsey. My father never saw me compete and that still saddens me now.

So, to Ignition's daughter if you do read that - count your lucky stars that you have a mother who is willing to indulge you in a very expensive hobby and show her some respect by being 100% ready, willing and able for Larkhill :D
 
sounds the complete opposite to me! ;) I live at home as I'm 16, and my slightly horsey dad takes me everywhere. The day before an ODE, I have to muck out/ride as normal, wash him (grey!!) plait up, rug up etc, then take all my tack/boots/odd bits home to clean all of it, scrub the boots by hand, the only thing I dont have to clean is the saddle cloth and my clothes! Btw, this is an event that I have entered for/found on the internet/found the map to/found out everything about it!!. Then on the day, back down on my bike to muckout, groom, make sure trailer is ready with haynet etc, get all the equipment out, usually for dad to turn up half an hour late! ;) then at the show he does the studs, thats it! but I enjoy it! :D:D
 
my daughter is 17 and has had to learn that she is expected to do things ,not just the fum bits . ive had conversations along the lines of " if i can be bothered to take time out to help you i expect you to put effort in " i ask her to switch her phone off ,i think its incredibly rude to constantly use the phone and give whatever is happening full attention . she knows that i expect certain things to be done ,after all its her pony and time is precious . i want her to grow up to be responsible ,thankful and polite . i also wouldnt want to be a doormat to anyone especially my children ... dont want to appear rude but something that really bugs me.
 
I am a teenager, and as my mum is not horsey, its all down to me. When we took my share pony to a dressage competition, minus owner, it was my responsibility to make a list of everything we would need, get pony ready etc etc. My mum helps me a lot, but it has to come from me, as I am the one who knows about horses, not her, although she is getting a lot better!
 
Ignition said:
Oh bless you. I have lots of kids so I'm always very conscious of supporting them in everything they do whenever I can, i get paranoid that one will think they aren't getting as much attention as the other etc. I'm sure your parents were proud of you though, it's just that horses are very boring to some I suppose!
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Oh I can't complain really, they did run me to the stables every week until I was 16 and pay for my weekly lessons (and my sister's lessons) which must have been a strain at times. Can't blame them for not watching to be honest, they don't know a thing about horses (and my mum is a bit scared too) they probably wouldn't have watched if I'd played football either! I was better off than many, poor OH didn't learn to ride until he was old enough to fund it himself.

My parents were otherwise supportive, they supported me through uni and things and let me live at home on the cheap until I was far too old to be at home (meant I could afford to ride whilst in rubbish paid jobs! :D ).

And eventually they are starting to take a bit of an interest, my mum kept an eye on the new horse in the field for me while I mucked out the other week - not sure what she would have done had the horse tried to jump out or something but it was nice of her to offer! She even phoned up the other day to see what the vet said. I'm hoping that even though I'm in my 30s it isn't too late to get her plaiting up!!! :D

But there was a girl who kept her pony where I rode as a teenager and she didn't really like riding and was scared of her pony. Her mum was desparate to get her riding and pushed her and pushed her. I rode her pony for a while when she was too scared to ride it and it was at the riding school for schooling and I did think how unjust it was that her mum wanted a horsey daughter to take to shows and things and her daughter wasn't interested when I was so desparate for a pony..... :o
 
i am just 16 and started eventing last year
and tbh my mum doesnt know which way a saddles goes on.. i do everything myself, which i actualy like as the moment a friend came to start helping me i was going round after her making it was all right...
as Others have said.. if she really reallly really wanted to event she would be standing there waiting for you, pony ready and everything glistening...
i DIY and even pay for events and membership.. maybe you should try that and she may be a bit more conciencious!?!!!
 
I had a really horsey mum (& mildly horsey dad) but after the age of about 11 (once i'd been to camp & survived doing everything for myself) that was generally it re: help getting ready, she would help us if our ponies wouldn't load, drive us there & do a quick run through of 'have you got XYZ,

she STILL comes with me (i'm married with kids!) still does the 'have you got'.... to which my reply half way down the M6 on Saturday was '**** NO!' she's always been supportive, without actually having to do anything, she now likes to 'flap about' & she's handy for checking the running order etc! early last season she was huffing & puffing about coming with me, so I said she really didn't have to... i was quite happy going on my own..... suddenly there was an 'oh...but I like coming & helping' So i can see why you like to make sure everything is organised & sorted!
 
this is were having a keen but unhorsey parents comes in very useful ;)

I HAD to learn to plait, and to plait neatly, and having horses has definatley improved my time management skills!!

Next time, tell her you will sort the lorry out, if she sorts the horse out.

You could also tell her that she will not be going to an event with a dirty horse, or tack, and withdraw if not ready. :)
 
I have every sympathy.

I have an old fart OH who tells me I've got 20 mins to prepare and plait his horse while he "goes to check the timings", half an hour later I find him in the bar quaffing beer with his mates and gleefully telling me we've actually got 2 hrs :mad::mad::mad:

Please don't let her grow into a MONSTER like this! :D

(note aside, how is it that blokes ALWAYS manage to find a willing woman to plait for them? Are there any chaps who can plait?????)
 
only_me said:
Next time, tell her you will sort the lorry out, if she sorts the horse out.
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Actually, the opposite way round might be better - then if anything is forgotten it is the daughter's fault and not the mother's! I'm quite happy to plait the Sprog's horse as I find it strangely therapeutic plus I am quicker than her, but everything else before leaving for an event is her responsibility. But I do have a printed checklist in the lorry for her to go through before we leave and often do prepare a timetable for the morning as teenager's brains seem to function on a different timescale.

When we are at a competition it is slightly different though, and it is all hands to the pump and I am happy to tack up, go get numbers etc., but that's assuming she is busy doing other things herself, not chatting and texting!
 
Who knew there were so many capable young competitors on here? You need to speak out more for your generation, they get a bad rep :p

Saucisson - the thought of any of my sons taking the time to plait is too funny for words, I'm afraid they're definitely turning into monsters! I hope that one day when they get married their wives refuse to do it for them, and they can have scruffy horses for eternity ;)
 
My friends mum told her to sort the lorry out before an event, although friend never had to do it again after they turned up to the event (3hrs away) without the saddle :eek:
 
I read half the replies....

Just my tuppence worth: a survey of my contempories shows that the ones who had mothers who bought horses and did everything for them have ALL given up, much to the chagrin of the mothers, the ones who had to do most of it themselves are nearly all still going in some form or another! Ask yourself if she really wants to do it - if you ask her straight out I'm sure she'll say yes - and if you have your doubts threaten to put an ad in H&H for talented young jockey seeking horse transport and groom.....
 
only_me said:
My friends mum told her to sort the lorry out before an event, although friend never had to do it again after they turned up to the event (3hrs away) without the saddle :eek:
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I must confess I spend the first five minutes of the journey saying "Have you got the saddle?", "Have you got your hat" etc! But if we did ever get to a competition without the saddle, I would much rather it was her fault than mine!
 
I started eventing when I was 17/18 but even before that, from the age of 12 when I got my first pony, I did everything myself and I wouldn't have had it any other way. When I had my cobs, my mum who is horsey would help me get ready but I was in charge of everything and never expected her help, but as she would be driving me to the yard, we would both rather have that extra half hour of sleep and work together! My dad (interested but clueless!) would arrive at a specified time and we would load up and go.
When I got my big horse at 16, my mum didn't like him so I just did it all myself. I would plan what events to go to, enter and sort out times, then wash, plait, pack and tack clean the day before, and wash again in the morning. My dad would be the one to drive me up to the yard, and he'd hook up the trailer and then either pack a pile of stuff that was ready to go or catch some extra sleep. At events he would help out as much as he could but I always had to be on top of things - he wouldn't know what to do unless asked. He would stud up for me, but I gave him the initial lesson in doing it and would always tell him which ones I wanted in and when. He enjoyed helping but I never expected it of him.
I had "friends" at PC who had mothers that did everything for them and I was astounded. I remember hacking up to one of their yards for a lift to camp, and the girl was still asleep while the mother had the lorry packed, horse groomed and loaded, and woke her up 5 minutes before we left with a cup of tea! I had been up 3 hours already! I have to say nearly all of the girls who didn't have to do anything have given up or are on the verge of it.

If she really wants to do it, she will. Save yourself some money and wait until she next asks to go to an event. Tell her to pick one, sort herself out and tell you what time she wants you at the yard. If you turn up an hour late and she's missed her dressage, drive straight home and charge her the entry and diesel - she won't do it again!

PS. You sound like a fab mum and I hope she knows how lucky she is! :D
 
I interviewed someone for a job vacancy once and I must have been asking him about teamwork, or success or something, I can't remember what. Anyway, he started telling me about the village under-18s cricket team that he'd played on, which had been really successful. So successful that one year they managed to get through to a big national final that took place at somewhere very impressive that I can't remember. I expected some twaddle about teamwork and the importance of working together and all that, so after letting him talk for a bit about the build up to the final, I said: 'so did you win?' and he said 'no, we hadn't bothered to prepare properly so on the day the coach refused to take us!'

I expected him to say that said coach had threatened not to and had then backed down, but nope, he'd stuck to his word and refused to take them because they hadn't taken their prepration seriously. So the other side won by default. He certainly remembered that, fifteen years later, and can tell the story with a real tone of respect for that coach.

You sound lovely, and I'd literally have chewed your arm off to have the kind of back up that it sounds like you give your daughter when I was a teenager. So tell her to stop acting like a brat before it turns into a habit and she becomes one, and that either she's ready on time or you don't go.
 
tigers_eye said:
I read half the replies....

Just my tuppence worth: a survey of my contempories shows that the ones who had mothers who bought horses and did everything for them have ALL given up, much to the chagrin of the mothers, the ones who had to do most of it themselves are nearly all still going in some form or another! Ask yourself if she really wants to do it - if you ask her straight out I'm sure she'll say yes - and if you have your doubts threaten to put an ad in H&H for talented young jockey seeking horse transport and groom.....
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agree with the above wholeheartedly.... it just sounds like to me that she's actually not that interested - she probably enjoys it when she's there riding at the event, but it doesn't sound as if she's giving it a moments thought otherwise.

I also agree that at the age of 16yrs, she should be more of an adult than a child and until she can start to show that she's grateful to have the setup that she does, I wouldn't bother taking her anywhere - let alone to a BE event!

It saddens me to hear your story and to think back to when I was that age, doing whatever I could (in terms of stable duties) just to be able to get a ride on something - even if it was literally a donkey! I got my first horse aged 20 yrs and appreciated every second of it. My sister however, discovered parties / boys about the age of 16 and her interest in horses tailed off then, although she still rides occasionally now.

You sound like a great mum though to be giving her all of this, and i would probably do the same with my children - if i'm honest though, I would probably end up doing what you do for her in the hope that she'll change her attitude and become more committed, even if I knew deep down that she just wasn't as interested in the sport as me :(
 
OH BOY CAN I SYMPATHISE
but my little cherub is only 12, I am now threatening to compeate the pony myself if she doesnt pull her weight a bit more,
 
QR - God, even at my age now (25!) if I havent done it, it doesnt get done.
And its been that way ever since I started competing when I was 12.

I cant imagine either my parents doing any of the work (my mums petrified of hroses and my dad is NOT a manual hands on type!!

my mum would load a picnic and my Dad would bring his wallet and drive the lorry and give up their weekends. i thought i was bloody lucky to get that let alone a free groom!

I would clean the horses/ tack etc , between 3 and 5 of them,(admitedly a bit ropey during my early teenage years!), and do everything.

If I didnt we wouldnt go.......its always only been me on the yard, my parents never venture onto it. I like it that way, it taught me everythings my responsibilty and if you want something done, do it yourself!

My mum did always let me off housework though when I was younger, as I looked after the horses by myself instead.

I'd do sod all from now on, if she doesnt do it, shes clearly not very keen and you could spend your hard earned money on you !
 
TGM said:
I must confess I spend the first five minutes of the journey saying "Have you got the saddle?", "Have you got your hat" etc! But if we did ever get to a competition without the saddle, I would much rather it was her fault than mine!
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Before we leave the yard, mum does the checklist of "Saddles, girths, numnahs, hats, etc" whilst we scrabble round in the back checking! Too often have we entirely forgotten with some hilarious (now!) consequences. My best was jumping my horse in a french link snaffle- he was always ridden in a cherry roller snaffle at the venue because for some reason he went a little bit wild there... I completed my SJ round before they'd even announced our names!
 
HammieHamlet said:
it just sounds like to me that she's actually not that interested - she probably enjoys it when she's there riding at the event, but it doesn't sound as if she's giving it a moments thought otherwise.
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Or it could just be that she has got wise to the fact that her mum will do it for her if she doesn't bother! I'm sure I would have done the same at that age given the chance! The true test comes when she is given the ultimatum that she either pulls her weight and does the work or she doesn't compete - then it will show whether she is really keen.
 
She is interested, I'd say she's a very horsey teenager - she rides before and after school every day and has no trouble getting up to ride and has always loved it. She's just unorganised, blasé and used to having someone else do it for her, as TGM says! I probably help too much at home as when she's back from school I like them to be able to relax... but then the horse is on full livery AT school so she doesn't have to do anything except ride there either. Probably where I'm most going wrong.. ! Plus we have a private yard at home with a groom who is excellent and always does more work than I ask, I.e. mucking out daughter's horse when he's back etc. So we both spoil her when she's home! Oh dear, is it any wonder she can't follow a simple blummin checklist to have her horse prepared for eventing! :o :o :rolleyes:
 
I'm sure she's a lovely girl really but her behaviour is completely unacceptable. When I had Mum helping me, I still did as much as possible until I was old enough to do it all. That happened long before I was 16!

Although she will definitely not like this idea, I agree with what others have said about not doing it for her and letting her make herself late. Be prepared for a tantrum because it will no doubt make her furious if she gets eliminated because you didn't help her but that should teach her a lesson.

Another way could be to work out exactly how much you spend per event including entry fees, petrol costs etc and how many hours you spend doing it with her including time spent preparing, driving and at the event. The amounts will be huge and it might be enough to shock her into helping her poor Mum!
 
TableDancer said:
TBH, this is a real bugbear of mine I think they really really really need to learn to do it all for themselves - otherwise how will they manage in the real world!I am a very bad Mummy!

I have always tried to make her responsible for herself and her pony from when she was very little so it just sort of comes naturally now. We do go through a mental checklist together before we leave to make sure everything important is in, but she's the one who takes the lead. Tbf she is a very mature kid and always has been, so I suspect a lot of it comes down to the raw materials you have to work with ;) But I am always slightly not so much irritated as baffled by the mothers I see at overnighters and places like the PC Champs, running round with laden wheelbarrows or getting up at 5.30 to feed.

Alsways seems to me we pay a fortune and work our socks off to allow the little darlings to pursue their incredibly expensive hobby so the least they can do is pull their weight!
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What she said with a cherry on top :D. In all seriousness TD has it bang on, my 16yo would not dream of treating me like that. She knows eventing is hard work and she's happy to put the effort in, making her a better person for it! She's quite lovely really (but don't tell her I said so) ;)!
 
KristmasKatt said:
But there was a girl who kept her pony where I rode as a teenager and she didn't really like riding and was scared of her pony. Her mum was desparate to get her riding and pushed her and pushed her. I rode her pony for a while when she was too scared to ride it and it was at the riding school for schooling and I did think how unjust it was that her mum wanted a horsey daughter to take to shows and things and her daughter wasn't interested when I was so desparate for a pony..... :o
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Similar here, I met a woman who had three ponies and three completely uninterested children. I loaned one of the ponies and had free use of the other two, three for the price of one!

My parents were horsey, though, but apart from when I was very little (up to the age of five) they didn't provide me with a pony, nor even a home later on.
 
On eventing days it's a team effort for me and my mum, unfortunately I am crap in the mornings and mum is horsey and feels it's her hobby as well, so she is involved, both as support and to make work lighter.

Typically she gets up and feeds, wakes me up, turns out our youngster and gives mine a small haynet. Meanwhile I get up, make us both a bacon butty which she gets when she comes back in, I quickly get changed and then down the yard. Mum mucks them both out and hitches up, whilst I plait, groom and load the trailer. Mum then checks trailer as I boot and rug up, grab dressage test, and then we're off!

At the event mum goes and checks running order and gets my number whilst I get changed, get horse off and flick off any dust. If on time, let horse nibble at some hay and run through test. If not, throw on tack, look over test and pop off to the dressage warm up. Horse then stands on trailer whilst we walk the course (if not walked night before). Mum likes to control what she's studded with, so she studs and I un-stud. I walk her round after cross country, we both wash her down. At any point mum wanders off to have a natter with anyone, after all, it's both our hobbies and not fair on her! I know what it's like to be a teenager, but I think you should try and lay the law down a bit more, maybe phone calls as someone suggested...
 
Ignition said:
She is interested, I'd say she's a very horsey teenager - she rides before and after school every day and has no trouble getting up to ride and has always loved it. She's just unorganised, blasé and used to having someone else do it for her, as TGM says! I probably help too much at home as when she's back from school I like them to be able to relax... but then the horse is on full livery AT school so she doesn't have to do anything except ride there either. Probably where I'm most going wrong.. ! Plus we have a private yard at home with a groom who is excellent and always does more work than I ask, I.e. mucking out daughter's horse when he's back etc. So we both spoil her when she's home! Oh dear, is it any wonder she can't follow a simple blummin checklist to have her horse prepared for eventing! :o :o :rolleyes:
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MY GOD YOUR DAUGHTER HAS GOT IT LUSH!!! pardon the teenage slag! But seriously thats a pretty jammy deal, and thats fair enough if you have the means to support her in that way that is great but it MUST MUST MUST go both ways! All the horrid jobs are done for her, she gets the fun bits.

My parents were the very same, they would support me to the end of the earth but it had to go both ways, they would support me providing I put the time and effort in, with everything from the horse to welfare and school work! If I did not get my act together we did not go, and its still like that even now I am 20!! they are more that happy to pay entires ect providing I keep the yard straight, book entries, book training ect!

But dont go Hitler on her, have a chat with her, she is mature enough at 16 to sit down with a cup of tea and see your side of it i think?? Just put your frustrations across in a friendly mum to daughter chat, getting into a battle about it will totally sap the fun out of it all.

Good luck, keep us posted. x
 
Not that I am saying I am fantastic or anything but since I was 13 I have done everything and thought it standard! If my Mum drives the lorry and spends her day freezing to death watching me have a lovely time (and still occasionally paying for it!) then I will be eternally grateful for that arrangement! However what I am bloody useless at is helping myself at events, I tack up and make sure I get to all of the places on time but I sometimes leave the lorry looking like a bit of a tip and mum very kindly sorts it all out in record time and then still gets herself there on time armed with the video player.... I would never cope alone!

To be honest, I wouldn't think your daughter sounds like she is doing it deliberately, just needs a prod in the right direction as mentioned before. :-)
 
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