Parents of teenage competitors - Support needed!

I have to say I'm also a member of the 'if it isn't done you don't go' camp. As a 17 year old who events, I do everything myself, have worked out my own little system for how I organise things the day before etc, dad takes me to all my events and pack the car (as a woman this is obviously not a task I'm capable of ;) ) At events he will do my studs (manly job, he likes it!) and will give me a hand washing off after xc etc but apart from that I do it all.
I can guarantee that if dad turned up at the yard at 7am on his day off to take me eventing and I wasn't totally ready to go there would be hell! And we most definitely wouldn't be going eventing!
Best of luck for Larkhill - I'm sure having someone older there who is serious about the whole thing (not that your daughter isn't - hope you get what I'm saying!) will help :)
 
tigers_eye said:
Just my tuppence worth: a survey of my contempories shows that the ones who had mothers who bought horses and did everything for them have ALL given up, much to the chagrin of the mothers, the ones who had to do most of it themselves are nearly all still going in some form or another! Ask yourself if she really wants to do it - if you ask her straight out I'm sure she'll say yes - and if you have your doubts threaten to put an ad in H&H for talented young jockey seeking horse transport and groom.....
Click to expand...

This, exactly.
My (lovely, supportive) mum used to help me carry water buckets when I struggled (aged 10), and then drove the car pulling the trailer until I was old enough to drive myself. I don't think she EVER did anything else. She's certainly never done a plait, washed a tail, picked out a hoof, tacked up (wouldn't know how!) etc. It was MY pony and MY job (and tbh I'd have fought her off if she'd tried! maybe that was the difference?) I honestly think she'd have heart failure if I asked her to do anything I could do for myself, then or now!

Having seen many many little darlings of 18+ who still expected mummy to tack up, stud up, etc etc, I think only keep doing it all if you're happy to keep doing it all, for nothing, until she gives up... which I suspect you aren't. There are lots of kids who would LOVE that kind of opportunity.
Your daughter is incredibly lucky. Maybe you should ban texting etc until she's totally finished for the day, concentrate the mind a little!
I'm not a parent so should step away now, sorry! just going on what I've experienced.
 
My dad rides, however despite riding for coming up to 5 years he can't tack up or do much on the care side. So ever since he bought the horses he did for me and my sister I go up there whenever he is riding and Tack up our horse for him, help him get on, wash horse off after etc.

This has been the case since I was 15, I am his groom never the other way round, in return he pays there livery and a lot of the costs which I hugely appreciate.
 
My parents wouldnt let me have a horse till I was old enough to cycle to do him myself and when I did get one (ive been told later) it was on loan of 6 months on the deal that the first day I didnt go and do him twice he would go back. Mum thought Id last a week, 12 yrs later Im on my 3rd horse. She finacially helped me and supported me when I needed it and my horse never went without. But had no real interest even though she was horsy, when she was younger.

I asked her to come and watch me event at a local one last season and all she did was moan, it was cold, she couldnt see anything!! Drove me crazy, my dad however is fab, he does my studs and holds the horse but thats the extent of it!!

Your daughter is very lucky, I wish my parents had, had transport when I was younger but Im catching up now!!!
 
I am quietly laughing at the posts on this thread. I never had any parental input on my competing , I had to get on with it myself. One later realises that ones mother was petrified of seeing one get completely splatted but didnt want her fears to influence me. Good move Mum!I have also coached teenagers a bit, and frankly , 90% of what goes on has nothing to do with the competition but 100% to do with the ongoing Parent/teenager guerilla war.
 
(I'm going to be a bit lazy and copy and paste a part of a PM I just sent in order to update people, oops!)

I have shown my daughter this thread and we've had a good chat, she's quietly mortified I believe (hope!) and i've had assurance that she's going to buck up her ideas. We're having a practice run next weekend to go to SJ, and i'm sending her a list of what to do and we're working out a routine for her to stick to the night before and in the morning. I will have to trust her to do it as she is away at school so I can't be there to supervise, but I have faith! If she's not prepared at the weekend (and I mean prepared as if we're going eventing - washed, plaited etc!) then we don't go to Larkhill, simple as... that seems to have inspired her more!

Thanks again everyone.
Alex.
 
Example , daughter blatently refuses to learn dressage test until in horsebox on the way to competition, why? Because A)She can, and B) She knows it drives her mother crazy!
 
But it also works the other way too. Not learning a dressage test is a pretty crude attempt compared to what a parent can do with just a look or an expression. When I coach shooting, parents not allowed. Why? Firstly I want a class of young potential adults, not a bunch of kids looking to their mothers. Secondly If and (often ) when one completely F++++ up , it is all kept "in house"and can be left behind.Parental expectation and the desire of child to live up to imagined expectations is tough stuff to deal with.Parents and children learn to push each others "buttons" from an early age. It never fails to astonish me how often neither party are aware of what they are doing or even why.
 
Mum would never let me get away with that. I always have got horse completely ready and all my tack and gear in the lorry msyelf. Mym normally gets some food together and maybe gets hay/water in lorry then thats it!!
 
I do it all my self apart from tow the trailer and hold the horse while I walk the course. I organise trailer hire, clean tack, boots and every thing else that needs cleaning in the run up and then pack the car the night before. Clean the horse the night before and put hay nets in the trailer. I help him to hitch up then get the pony ready to travel. Dad rattles a feed bucket to help loading the stubborn git and mum keeps out of the way as she dosent like it if he decides to be an idiot. I unload and tack up then warm up dad will go enter me if its enter on the day, tell me when the course is being walked and hold the pony whilst I walk it. If asked he will also check how many more to go and then takes videos. He then resumes bucket rattling to load on the way home and drives us home. We then un hitch and lock the trailer and he goes home whilst I sort out the pony stuff, then I go home when I'm done. I think what he does is a lot really along with getting up early on one of his days off and driving me arround (mum normally comes along for the first class so she gets a bit more of a lie in). I would love to have parents that are horsey but I consider my self lucky to have a pony at all and parents that are willing to support me in the ways they can, luckily dad already had a car that can tow or we wouldnt be able to compete at all. Hope that waffle puts it in to perspective for you and that you can come to some sort of agreement with your daughter, if not wanna swap? ;)
 
Ignition - I am glad to hear that your daughter seems to have taken it all in, and very much hope this will be a major attitude change for her from now on.

You sound like an absolutely lovely mum - and I'm sure she's a very nice girl, but is just taking advantage of you, and for both your sakes it has to stop.

Its really nice that you want her to relax on her school breaks etc, but then horse riding should be a hobby not a chore, but it should involve all parts - not just the fun bits. Otherwise it will be a very rude awakening a few years down the line when not only does she have to have a full time job, but has to fund the horses herself, AND do all the work.

Best to get as much practice now as possible! ;)
 
all it takes is her to forget one thing and have to miss the competition, and you can guarantee it will be the last time she forgets anything again!
 
This thread made me smile.

I used to do everything myself except drive to show. The only other thing mum would do is occasionally call a test and moan if I didnt do well.

I have some good friends who have keen teenage daughters and for them its much more like Ignition's experience ! That said, its not all the girls' fault because the mums just do things for them the girls would do if the mums didnt! This includes clipping, plaiting, tack cleaning, and they all take AGES every time they go up to ride and spend hours farting about. They're all off to uni in the next year or two and they will soon work it out for themselves ...
 
I am 16.
i cycle 5km to my yard every day and 5km back.
my parents dont like horses.
going to a show, i cycle the usual 5km to the yard,
plait, clean tack wash horse etc.
load her, and get all my stuff into the 4x4 or the lorry (although ours broke down so its now trailer and 4x4)
i travel with my coach driving.
my parents dont even come to shows with me because its too early in the morning (even though my classes start at noon).
although my mom always gives me one good piece of advice the night before
(because when i leave the next morning they're usually asleep)

"tu ne meurt pas! et bon chance!"
which means... don't die, and good luck.

cheers for being a teenager with non horsey parents.
 
Not read the other replies.

But it sounds like your a mug (sorry I don't mean that in a nasty sense) :)

I wouldn't stand for any of it, teens will be teens I know but she needs to learn herself that if she wants to compete at a higher level (she's lucky she has a mum like you that will roll up with box and take her), she needs to do more than just the riding part which includes all the *****ty jobs and all the prep.

My parents never helped me when I used to go to competitions as a young kid or a teenager, all they did was drive, stand over the pony/horse to make sure there were ok while tied up to the trailer, while I went to do the entries, rest of the time they soaked up the sunshine on a deck chair and chatted amongst other parents or did a butty run.

If I was a mum in your position, I'd refuse to take her until she bucked her ideas up, I'd have a serious chat with her tell her, next time you take her, all this needs to be done or I won't be taking you again.


Good Luck, please don't murder her :D
 
Haven't read all the posts but I have an 18 yo son who consistently fails to judge accurately how long any task is going to take - & naturally he never, ever over estimates! I have decided that the best thing to do is volunteer as a steward at events. He likes Hunter Trials so always masses of people needed. Non horsey Dad drives him there, I am out of the way so don't get stressed & end up taking over to make sure things get done to my own standards. Usually come away with a bottle of wine as a bonus!
 
Ok im slightly different to you all, im 21 and been riding since i was 6, mum is almost 50 and only been riding 6years! We share everything!! I either sort the horses out while she sorts the lorry, and puts tack on, boots food etc, or vise versa. Its a partnership between us, we both love what we do and our horses and the plesure is not just going to compete but to spend time together. At the show she will normally go and enter us/get our numbers etc and i will sort the horses. If im not competing then i will be be her groome for the day again vise versa she will be mine if im competing. I understand where alot of you have said they need to sort there own ponies out etc which i agree with, but sometimes the stress of the day is alot to manage, however i do think your daughter is lazy if shes sat txting her mates when your doing all the hard graft! Maybe you should compermise on some things? Good luck!
 
That is lovely ellie, nice that you can support your mum as much as she supports you, and that you are enjoying spending time together too.
 
tigers_eye said:
I read half the replies....

Just my tuppence worth: a survey of my contempories shows that the ones who had mothers who bought horses and did everything for them have ALL given up, much to the chagrin of the mothers, the ones who had to do most of it themselves are nearly all still going in some form or another! Ask yourself if she really wants to do it - if you ask her straight out I'm sure she'll say yes - and if you have your doubts threaten to put an ad in H&H for talented young jockey seeking horse transport and groom.....
Click to expand...

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I had to battle for anything as a child/teenager, and my poor mum was always working overtime on weekends to pay for my horse, so I had no-one to help me at shows (or even to come and watch) and we couldn't afford transport so packing the lorry was a non-issue ;) If a kid wants to do it, it'll find a way. If the kid doesn't want to do it, the parents will run around after it trying to encourage it and make things easier for the kid, but it won't change the kid's passion.

Some fabulous bits of advice on here, and fingers crossed the daughter in question will find planning/organisational abilities she didn't know/had forgotten she had. She is so incredibly lucky. I'd have murdered someone for that opportunity at her age. Really.
 
I've read about half the replies and I think it has been said, but when I was 14 I rode competitely in Endurances (junior classes).

My mum is horsey and would give advice re training and feeding but 90% of it was up to me. I had to find out what sort of country the next ride was on and adapt my training to suit. Come cometition day I had to pack the car for an over night stay with all the gear horsey & human we would need, sort out food for us I decide & pack she'd but what ever we didn't have, pack feeds for the horse. The horse travelled in a friends lorry so I didn't have to load him but he had to be clean with everything laid out so that they could just boot and load.

At the event I was responsible for setting up our 'area' with my friends and our buckets/water etc. Registering, getting though the vet and setting off.
She would help with help with cooling off at the end because it is nearly physically impossible to ride 60+km, then untack, walk and sponge a horse simultaneously on your own... :)

Her argument was always if I want to compete I have to get everything ready. Why should she help? She got nothing our of it aparrt from hanging around & camping in often less than pleasnt weather. Or might even have brought her own horse to go for a 'hack' in the 20 or 40km pleasure class.

Looking back it is incredible I didn't forget more stuff! The one that I will never be allowed to forget is not packing the tent...
 
Ignition said:
She is interested, I'd say she's a very horsey teenager - she rides before and after school every day and has no trouble getting up to ride and has always loved it. She's just unorganised, blasé and used to having someone else do it for her, as TGM says! I probably help too much at home as when she's back from school I like them to be able to relax... but then the horse is on full livery AT school so she doesn't have to do anything except ride there either. Probably where I'm most going wrong.. ! Plus we have a private yard at home with a groom who is excellent and always does more work than I ask, I.e. mucking out daughter's horse when he's back etc. So we both spoil her when she's home! Oh dear, is it any wonder she can't follow a simple blummin checklist to have her horse prepared for eventing! :o :o :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

Here lies your problem..!

Your daughter is a very lucky young lady, I won't bore you with my tales of woe of waiting 24 years to get my first horse and everything I did to beg, borrow and earn rides and what I do now to keep my horse.

But what I will say is that, it;s good you've addressed it with her and she's aware of what she now needs to do. If it starts to slip, then start making life a little more challenging e.g. take away luxuries like full livery at school and at home, start pulling the funds for her competing and I'm sure she'll be back on track again.

Good luck and you sound like a lovely Mum ..your Daughter is very lucky to have such a supportive family.
 
Might be slightly unfair on your groom, but do you really need a groom when your daughter is back from school. Then she would be able to do the chores which comes with the everyday looking after horses and then learn to be better organised. If she never has to prepare the horses at school or at home she's never going to learn how to do it. I don't compete but would have thought part of the fun would be that you have orgainsed everything and then when your horse does well you can take all the credit.
PS. I'd have loved a horsey mum like you my mum was terrified!!!
 
Ignition - i'll send you my mum down to sort your daughter out lol :D

I have non-horsey parents who have never understood my interest nor supported it tbh. I rode bareback in the field behind our house in exchange for helping muck out for as long as i can remember. I got a paper round age 13 and started riding lessons once a fortnight as it was all i could afford, also had to pay to get two trains to the stables. My friends at the stables always came across as spoiled as their parents did everything for them. There was a local show every sunday that was an hours hack away. Some of them had transport so could get their, some hacked. I walked!! so i could watch. As they got older and started competing affiliated i would plait there horses and run around after them at events. At the age of 23 I finally bought my own horse, after working at competition yards and gaining as much knowledge as possible. My mum still didnt want me to ride so i trained as a nurse.

Fours years later I lost my mare in an accident, none of my family really understood and none of them had even seen her in the flesh!

Your daughter is one very very lucky lady! I really do hope she takes all this on board as i think its great to be involved in all the ground work too. I bet she would be very embarassed if her mates found out she couldnt do it on her own.

For what its worth - me and one other girl at the yard i had lessons at still ride and neither of us had horses as children!

Hope she improves her attitude and starts to appreciate all you do for her - you deserve that :)
 
Hey thanks everyone for your replies, loved sitting down with a cup of tea and reading them all :D

windseywoo - our groom isn't JUST for my daughter (although i'm sure she'd like to think that ;) ) We have lots of horses as a family as many of us ride, we've polo ponies and I breed thoroughbreds as well. :)
 
U are far too soft!!!! I agree with others, if she's not gunna muck in then it either goes mucky or not at all!! I think Im lucky with mine (how long that will last I don't know!!) She's 15 & has been told from being 5 that the day she can't be arsed to muck out is the day the pony goes cos I have way too much on to do it all myself!! I would just go on strike for 1 day & refuse to help at all, just drive her there in woteva state the pony is in, when she starts to get wound up at how hard it is she will probably start to help more!! I do that maybe once a year just to remind her how much I do & it does help!! Good luck! xx
 
Ignition said:
Considering sending her Dad next time and staying at home with a bottle of wine instead. :cool:
Click to expand...






I'd try this one, especially if Dad isn't horsey? I couldn't go to my teenage daughter's last competition (JAS) as I'd over committed myself with saying I would help run our PC's triathlon. I gave my non-horsey husband the option of either driving the lorry round the M25 to get my daughter where she was going or organising a PC event and he hurredly agreed to drive the box! He seriously can do nothing involving a horse - he might hold a lead rope if the horse stands stock still, but that's it.

I have NEVER not gone to a competition with her before and was sooooo nervous that they would forget something or do something wrong. But, they managed perfectly well - she even remembered to get her new hat BE tagged before riding. My husband was knackered at the end of the day even though he'd only been driving - so it had another bonus of making him see how tiring it is going to these things even when you're not actually competing........!!!

So - when we go out to our 1st proper event this season in the Easter hols I think I'm going to sit back a bit.

With regards to your groom - just tell her she's not to do daughter's horse when she's home. Or don't send the horse to school? My daughter boards without her horse. She comes home every weekend on a Saturday afternoon to ride. I have him on full livery when she is away so that I can work, and DIY livery at weekends and holidays so that she does him all herself. It works quite well because she's quite academic and can concentrate on school when she's away but horses when she's home. Her relaxation is her horse. If she had her horse at school I don't think the grades would be quite as high.......!?!

Good luck!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top