Parents of teenage competitors - Support needed!

tinap555 said:
U are far too soft!!!! I agree with others, if she's not gunna muck in then it either goes mucky or not at all!! I think Im lucky with mine (how long that will last I don't know!!) She's 15 & has been told from being 5 that the day she can't be arsed to muck out is the day the pony goes cos I have way too much on to do it all myself!! I would just go on strike for 1 day & refuse to help at all, just drive her there in woteva state the pony is in, when she starts to get wound up at how hard it is she will probably start to help more!! I do that maybe once a year just to remind her how much I do & it does help!! Good luck! xx
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It's got me thinking that I never really realised how easy other people have it, when we just get on & manage with what we have without moaning! I am sure your daughter is a lovely girl but has a privileged life that she takes for granted! She is welcome to swap with my daughter for a week!! We can only buy 3 bales of hay a week cos that's all our budget allows, she has to ride in the dark in the winter cos we have no lights/arena etc, she can only go to POYS because school (not private) have offered to pay for her to go & only 2 days ago on the street where we have to hack out a child stabbed to death another child over £5. For this reason we both work all hours just to keep her busy & off the streets.
 
I'd send her a email with this thread and tell how lucky she is to have such a good/bad mum

1, I'd not take her
2, tell her clearly why your not happy
3, remove phone
4, kick school up backside for letting this happen
5, make sure next time your there 1 hour before, get a good book make yourself a cup of tea and treat her like a baby and sit and watch her do the lot and send her a nice smile every so often and tell what fun it is being an eventing mum!
6, if you dont run after her every minute she may do it herself
 
Tell her I know an 8 year old (TINY!) girl who always baths her pony, cleans his tack and gets his haynet ready before shows. Pony always looks sparkling, and he's a grey ;) That's half her age, so her age is really no excuse.

I'm 18 and incredibly lucky that my Mum does help at shows and in general. I work pretty much the same number of hours as her, but only afternoons & evenings, so our general rule is that I ride, muck out, leave everything (bar feed or haynet, depending on how sneezy the hay makes me :o) ready for her to bring him in in the evening. Every day. Then at shows, tack cleaning, sorting my jacket, hairnet, stock etc and getting the horse ready is my job - putting things in the car and driving is her job. Some days (like before dressage when everything is going wrong and my hairnet snaps and Wibblet decides that everything is far too exciting and he can only hightail it about the warm up :rolleyes:) I wish I had a mum that could take control and help me warm up/calm down - afterall, aren't Mum's supposed to make everything better? But we cope!
 
I still get up an hour earlier than I need to on competition days because when I competed as a teenager I not only had to organise the horse and lorry but also my mother and trainer! They were both brilliant but terribly absent minded- if I wasn't careful trainer would take me to the wrong place and mother entered me in the wrong classes twice in a row :D Luckily I only did SJ tho so no plaiting required ;)
 
This has been a really interesting thread to read through! Your daughter is very very lucky with the set up you/she has, probably doesn't give it a second thought though hey? Don't mean that in a nasty way at all.

Children/teenagers can be quite thoughtless/useless in most walks of life. At a rowing comp last summer a few of us were "helping" two teenage boys get their boat ready for racing. I say helping, we did it whilst they stood and watched!!! At one point I asked one of them if they had a 13mm spanner, the response was a shrug of the shoulders and a grunt of no. I had to hold myself back from grabbing him by his T-shirt and suggest to him that maybe he should find one then!!! I guess it just didn't even occur to him!

My Husband gets most annoyed at the uselessness of "teenagers nowadays", being of military persuasion he does like to point out that they can join the forces at 16!

From my point of view as a child/teenager, although my mum was horsey my parents didn't really have much time for our ponies so I had to do it all, then again I was generally only hacking out to local shows. If we went further afield mum would drive the (borrowed) trailer, help out a bit at the show and provide sustenance, but I had to do all the prep. Oh how I envied those with their own horseboxes and parents rushing around after them!:rolleyes::rolleyes:

I think there can be a fine line between a supportive parent (which I hope to be to my daughter) and a pushy parent. I don't want my child to look back on her youth and regret the things that she wasn't able to do because we didn't help her out a bit, as my husband does when he thinks about his youth rugby career, he was too scared to ask his busy dad for lifts to a club further away that played at a higher standard. Equally, I want my daughter to work for her achievements (in whatever sphere) so that she will really appreciate what she does in life.

(It all sounds so good in theory! Luckily my girl is 4 so I have plenty of time before I put it into practice!!)
 
Tillypup said:
I think there can be a fine line between a supportive parent (which I hope to be to my daughter) and a pushy parent. I don't want my child to look back on her youth and regret the things that she wasn't able to do because we didn't help her out a bit, as my husband does when he thinks about his youth rugby career, he was too scared to ask his busy dad for lifts to a club further away that played at a higher standard. Equally, I want my daughter to work for her achievements (in whatever sphere) so that she will really appreciate what she does in life.
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Very true and well said!
 
I do think they have a lot more appreciation for what they've got than some of their friends or peers at school, as I grew up in an entirely different way (Moss Side council flat, followed by foster & carehomes!), and have always drilled into them how lucky they are to lead the life they do.

But like you say Tillypup, whilst I want them to work hard for things another part of me enjoys being able to indulge them and loves that they have so many opportunities available to them. I wouldn't take that away from my daughter. Some have mentioned simply not taking her again, or removing her horse from her during term time - that to me isn't an option, as she's my child, she works hard at school, and I want her to experience eventing if she wants to do it, and to be able to ride as much as possible as it's her passion. Hopefully we'll reach a happy medium together throughout this season, it'll make us or break us! x
 
My daughter is 16 and she too events and we too have been through the slightly lazy approach. In my daughter's case it wasn't because she wasn't interested, she loves her horses and competing, she was just being a teenager. Yes, I had a rant and rave on occasion but in the end, I just ignored her behaviour and got on with plaiting, organising, driving, financing etc etc. There's no way I could ignore the horses and turn up with a dirty or unplaited horse and I love eventing as much as my daughter so I wasn't prepared to miss out!!

Over the last couple of months, I've found that she's started helping and we're back to the "pre teen" assistance and we're working as a team again.

I reckon it was just a teenage phase and if I went head to head with her, all that happened was I got exhausted and we were both in a bad mood at the competition.

Now we're back to having fun and sharing all the chores

I remember driving through our local town a couple of years ago and seeing all the "born again virgins" with acres of bare flesh hanging around and my friend said to me "what will you do when your daughter joins this lot?" My answer was, "she won't join this lot, she'll be home cleaning tack ready to compete!" And I'm delighted to say, that's exactly what she does :-)

OK, so she's had a couple of easy months but I'd rather have to nag her occasionally to get her backside in gear than have to deal with a drunken, sexually active teenager.

All things in perspective. Might not work for others, but it worked for me and my devil spawn.
 
It sounds like you have a nice kid, Ignition, who has just been taking advantage a bit, as kids (and adults. . .) do. I'm sure now you've had a sit down and told it like it is, she'll mend her ways, although it will take time to form new habits, of course. No different than training horses. ;)

I can sympathise with wanting to give your kids what you didn't have and it's a bonus they enjoy something you enjoy, too. At she gets older I'm sure she'll realise how lucky she is and how hard you've worked to get from where you are to where you - both of you - are now.

I have a lot more admiration for my parents now I understand what they had to do in a day. :)

I do think horses can be a very insular world though, as even "poor" kids have a lot more than many and we tend to know a lot about people's horsey lives and maybe not so much about their home lives. A pivotal "developmental moment" for me was going to boarding school (one with horses) and realising that there were people in this world with real problems and I wasn't one of them! (Although I don't always remember this!) And that having a nice horse or the best gear or even a supportive parent (I've seen some very scary "supportive" parents . . .) doesn't mean everything is going swimmingly. I had a friend who had a lovely horse and a virtually open cheque book to show it . . . because she'd effectively done a deal not to shop her abusive father to the authorities. And her little sister blamed her for them being sent away to school and to camp etc in the holidays, because my friend never told her the reality of the situation and that she'd confronted their father when she suspected he was gearing up to start on the younger girl. How grim is that?

Even I once had someone tell me how "lucky" I was to be able to buy a nice horse (my one and only, I might add) when I was in university . . . . with money my mother had left in trust for me. :(

Your daughter will find out soon enough - with some reminders from you, no doubt - that most of us have to work for what we get in this world and that everyone pays, some just pay more than others. She'll count herself lucky both in what you've done for her and for reminding her you were doing it, it didn't just fall from the sky. She'll be fine. :)
 
I'd sit back and let her do it. Its her horse and sport. I think me and my mum have the perfect balance - I do all the preparation of the horse, tack etc. She helps by getting the trailer ready and loading car with usual stuff. At the event, I tack up, do boots etc. etc. She will brush horse off, help wash down, pick out feet, help with studs and roll up bandages etc. I definately never sit back and let her do it, but to be honest she would never have let me do that anyway as she never started off horsey. She's not confident tacking up etc. so if I dont do it nobody will. If you automatically do it, then I guess why shouldn't she sit back? Stop doing it ;)
 
As a teenager I was very fortunate and my mum did help me out with show prep (she plaited as she was much better at it than me and she used to say she enjoyed it!), I'd generally do everything else though. I look back now and realise how without even realising it I did take my mum for granted a bit, and didn't consider that she might not really want to get up at 5am on a Saturday morning when she'd spend Monday - Friday working long hours, then taking me to the yard and sitting in the freezing cold watching me ride! But at that age I think it's very easy to think that the world revolves around you and your pony and that's where it stops.

I think the first step is to sit down and talk to her about it as you would with another adult, explaining that if she's keen to pursue eventing perhaps she needs to take on board all aspects of it - not just the riding! If talking doesn't work, then like the others have said, when she's not ready on time turn the transport round and go home! Oh and bill her for the entry fee :p
 
Firstly, I think it is great you are giving your daughter to opportunity to event! I am sure your story rings true to alot of parents of children who ride competitively BUT I believe it takes a little time to find the right balance in workload!!
My daughter events and we have found a good balance in our teamwork for example, I am more than happy to plait (as I love doing it!) whilst my daughter does all the mucking out etc of our other horses!

You are definitely going in the right direction with your lists etc and I would hope that after a couple of events your daughter will understand the huge amount of work involved in preparation and will take more responsibility, otherwise I would perhaps make her pay for the entry, or stay in bed yourself with a nice cup of tea! Good luck
 
Hi, I haven't read all of the replies, but I would if you could arrange for her to go a couple of times with someone else, ok it might cost you some diesel money and a bunch of flowers but it should be worth it.
She needs to be more organised and independant, she won't do this while you are saving her arse all the time.
FWIW I was dropped in the deep end, I used to be left on my own with a lorry and a pony (or two) from when I was 12, due to mother having other commitments, so I either got delivered to a show at 6am and left with pony tied to a fence, hitched a lift with a buddy (which was brill) OR my dad or Grandad would take me in his wagon and no matter where he took me he had mates up the road who could collect him and take him to the local pub!! (BTW if either did stay to help me it would turn into a row, because 'the boys' would always ride my pony better than I could).
It made me very organised and independant (to a slightly obsessive level!) and also made me appreciate any help even if it's just someone holding a horse while walking the course.
Tough love xx
BTW I just remembered an occasion, when I had taken a friends stroppy teenager to a show with a ridiculous early start, she proceeded to complain and make a half arsed effort of getting ready, so I had a 'quiet word' and it has to be said according to friend it had a permanent impact. I also used to leave my step daughter to get her pony ready and clean her tack, and it was always done the day before, when she went through 15/16 and stopped putting the effort in I stopped taking her to shows!
 
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woodlandswow said:
i am just 16 and started eventing last year
and tbh my mum doesnt know which way a saddles goes on.. i do everything myself, which i actualy like as the moment a friend came to start helping me i was going round after her making it was all right...
as Others have said.. if she really reallly really wanted to event she would be standing there waiting for you, pony ready and everything glistening...
i DIY and even pay for events and membership.. maybe you should try that and she may be a bit more conciencious!?!!!
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hats off to you. I'm the same as you, however, my parents fund everything but I would love to pay for myself as its only fair. do you have a job? if so how do you manage school, horses and work?
 
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