Parents of teenagers who lost interest

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poiuytrewq

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What did you do?
I have a just turned 16 year old daughter who has exams coming up and just a busier life than before. We also moved further from school meaning i had to take over horse care for the winter as by the time we got back it was dark (we had no lighting). Its now of course easily light enough to ride and do stuff after school but she's just not really interested in doing so. She's quick enough to want to go XC schooling or box up and go jumping but obviously with the poor horse doing nothing in between this isn't good enough.
I am actually happy to continue with mucking out and poo picking if she uses the time to ride (especially right now with GCSE's this summer)
We have spoken so much and every time she swears blind she wants to keep her horse and will ride/do him for a couple of days. I've lost my temper, talked nicely, threatened to loan/sell (i think she knows this is a pretty empty threat as I've never sold a horse in my life).
She has a job on a yard which she still does and which takes a lot of her time- she's still very interested in this and works her ar** off there!
Its annoying because my horse is retired and i cant get a riding horse with the two we already have- that was made obvious by the state of our grazing this winter (being the first at the new place)
So i could of course take him over myself, this would be he obvious but as much as i love him, he is a huge character I'm not sure if he's my kind of horse! I have a dodgy hip which ,makes me feel a bit unbalanced and he's a bit small, very fresh, a worrier and inclined to buck (of course this may well improve if he actually did get ridden regularly)
He's 16 and has a terrible dust allergy which is perfectly manageable but would probably make him hard to sell anyway although he is an amazing little horse and could be huge fun for someone.
In theory he's just what my daughter has always wanted and she never stops talking about him and has 100% confidence in him so i just dont get it, when i was her age i had to share a pony with my sister and hated the days that i wasn't allowed to do him!
What would you/have you done in this situation?
 
Tbh I think today's teenagers are under a lot of pressure from all sides and need a bit of leeway at home. I would be tempted though to stop the yard job and ask her to spend that time riding her own horse, so that he is fit enough to do the things that she enjoys. Please don't compare your teenage years to her life in her hearing, that will be counter productive!
 
Pearlsasinger said:
Tbh I think today's teenagers are under a lot of pressure from all sides and need a bit of leeway at home. I would be tempted though to stop the yard job and ask her to spend that time riding her own horse, so that he is fit enough to do the things that she enjoys. Please don't compare your teenage years to her life in her hearing, that will be counter productive!
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Its inevitable that mum says these things.
Child/teenager knows about horses, just tell her she won t be taking an unfit horse to shows unless she arranges/pays the for transport plus entry fees. Obviously now she has a job you cut back on treats, you might consider getting an exercise rider, do a P&L account. Teenagers will push the boundaries.
Is she spending the yard wages on entertainment/vodka by any chance?
 
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My daughter lost interest and that was that really, so I'm stuck looking after hers, and have been for years. It's almost like a cutting of the umbilical cord for them, the no longer wanting to share a hobby with mum. She started acting as if she was doing me a huge favour going riding with me, and I had to do all the work, tack up and have the reins chucked at me afterwards. I soon gave up suggesting riding, it wasn't worth it.

Of course the umbilical cord can never be severed gently, they have to do it with a rusty hacksaw.
 
We struggled on for a year after daughter lost interest and I finally sold her mare on, it wasn't an easy decision at the time, but a few months down the line we all realized that it was the right one for all involved. I had been feeling stressed and put-upon and my daughter didn't miss the pony half as much as she thought she was going to, other aspects of her life filled the gap immediately and she found it a relief too, although she was upset when the pony went initially.
 
Pearlsasinger said:
Tbh I think today's teenagers are under a lot of pressure from all sides and need a bit of leeway at home. I would be tempted though to stop the yard job and ask her to spend that time riding her own horse, so that he is fit enough to do the things that she enjoys. Please don't compare your teenage years to her life in her hearing, that will be counter productive!
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Oh how many teenagers want you to adopt them. lol.
When I was a kid I really wanted to exchange families.
But in fact I did not have a pony......... that would have made up for a lot of things!
Most teen girls give up ponies and move on.
 
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When I was a pony mad teenager with very unhorsey parents and no pony in sight, I would have willing swapped my mother for one who had a pony :) I think its a case of never being grateful for what you have, taking it for granted so to speak! Not intentionally but just not appreciating things if theyve always been there. Its probably just part of the whole growing up thing and wanting to be a bit more independent, not always wanting to do stuff with parents :( To be frank, if it were me, I would put my cards on the table and make it clear that you are not prepared to do all the work. If she doesnt pull her weight, I would sell the pony and look to find something more suitable for you to ride. She can always hack it out if she wants to but if you are doing the work, you should be the one to benefit too. I appreciate she has other demands on her time but I think she is old enough to make a choice about where her priorities lie. I would add that I am not the most patient of mothers so many will feel differently, I just wouldnt be feeling guilty about giving my child the option!
 
Not easy if it's not a suitable ride for the OP tho!

This thread has made me realise I'm ahead of the game on this as my daughter will only get to ride my ponies once she's a teenager which will be lovely school masters by then. If she gives up I won't mind because that will mean all the more room in the trailer for me to have two to ride at shows etc.

Op you know your daughter, so only you can decide what's best.
 
As my daughters was approaching & was sitting her GCSE's I took over the care of her horse, along with my own horse who was on box rest with a pedal bone fracture. I looked after him for 3 months in total on the understanding that once her exams were out of the way, she would take him back on or else he would be sold.

She did take him back on during her A Levels but wanted to love away at Uni, I agreed to take him on again, on the understanding she came home every other weekend to see him, my own horse was on another period of box rest due to a fractured hock (accident prone horse grrr)! This arrangement lasted a year, then she stopped coming home so I found an alternative solution for him (or so I thought).

He went to the police on trial, he was there for 6 weeks and in the meantime I had to have my horse pts! So in effect left horseless ��, I then received a call to say my daughters horse had not passed a vetting. The trip to pick him up was one of the most emotional days of my life, didn't realise how much I had missed the big guy.

He's now my only ride, he's too big for me, too opinionated for me, he likes to buck (yikes), I don't bounce anymore, but he's not going anywhere, I just have to learn to ride him.

Could you really not take over your daughters horse, get some lessons? Sometimes they are just meant to be ours.

I know, I could have forced the issue and sold the horse, but the relationship between my daughter and I was not something I wanted to take a gamble with as I do feel with my daughter it would have hit her hard.
 
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Wow...
When I was 14, all my dreams and wishes came true. I was bought a horse! Within 2 weeks we'd had to have her shot. There wasn't an offer of "we'll try again, we'll find another one" although I don't know if I even could have if the offer had been there. I didn't ride or even look at a horse for 5 years after that. Too traumatised/heartbroken. And then went terribly off the rails without horses to keep me out of trouble at the weekends!
It is true that we always take for granted what we've got; but your daughter needs to realise she is extremely lucky to not only have her own pony, but such a supportive and understanding, and HORSEY, mum.
Can you reach some sort of compromise? She does her pony a certain number of days per week, you do the rest? At least to show willingness on her part?
Could she keep her pony at the yard she works at?
Could you turn the pony away until your daughter has more time?
Don't know your situation but there have got to be other options than you slogging your guts out :)
 
This is just a part of children growing up, its tough but inevitable. When it happened with my girls, I thought long term. I wanted them to do well in school and uni, then work and there was just not time for everything.
We sat down and talked about it with no anger. I said they were moving on and that is part of life, I would take over the larger horse and as I was the adult it was up to me what happened and they were not to worry about it, I had decided to buy them so I would make any decisions.
The only time I got angry is when one came home from uni and told me off for getting a foal. I think you have to decide what is best for you. Its no fun arguing nearly everyday and to be honest I think there are bigger things to argue about with daughters. Just try and talk about it calmly, but if she is working and earning money, if she has a horse she is not riding/looking after I would ask her to pay towards it keep.
 
honetpot said:
This is just a part of children growing up, its tough but inevitable. When it happened with my girls, I thought long term. I wanted them to do well in school and uni, then work and there was just not time for everything.
We sat down and talked about it with no anger. I said they were moving on and that is part of life, I would take over the larger horse and as I was the adult it was up to me what happened and they were not to worry about it, I had decided to buy them so I would make any decisions.
The only time I got angry is when one came home from uni and told me off for getting a foal. I think you have to decide what is best for you. Its no fun arguing nearly everyday and to be honest I think there are bigger things to argue about with daughters. Just try and talk about it calmly, but if she is working and earning money, if she has a horse she is not riding/looking after I would ask her to pay towards it keep.
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This!
 
I think kids who have had a pony bought for them at a very young age nearly always lose interest. They got what they wanted and didn't have to hanker after wanting one when the kids who couldnt afford to have one, probably had an unhorsey family and had to work for extra rides at the riding school are nearly always the ones that stick with it!
 
FfionWinnie said:
This thread has made me realise I'm ahead of the game on this as my daughter will only get to ride my ponies once she's a teenager which will be lovely school masters by then. If she gives up I won't mind because that will mean all the more room in the trailer for me to have two to ride at shows etc.
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I would agree with this, my daughters and I all ride our three horses - all mother/daughter shares :D I know how some people just love that phrase :D

It does help that we are all about the same weight and height :p
 
I think the first thing to do is ask her whether she'd rather do the yard job or have her own horse. If the former, horse goes. If the latter, ask her to give up the yard job. If this doesn't result in her riding more, set a time limit on things - i.e. if you don't start riding more over the next month we are going to have to think about selling him. Not as an ultimatum, as such, but just to get her to understand that it can't go on the way it is forever. If she doesn't start riding more over that time period, try to ride him as much as possible yourself to see if you taking him over might actually be a viable option. But be sensible - what are you going to do when she goes to university? You may have to sell him then anyway if he isn't suitable for you, so it is probably a good idea to get things sorted now.
 
My son is now 18 and still has a horse, I have always done the looking after because I am doing mine anyway and he had long hours at school and crucially I didn't mind. I feel it was and is worth it because that way he has stayed keen on doing a sport he enjoys and has a horsey healthy side to his life plus a set of like minded mates. Luckily his horse is now 19 but still fully capable of doing what he wants without having to be amazingly fit. Next year he is off to uni, if he wants we will keep his horse and he can compete in the season. That's very much my choice though because I have time and don't mind, it has to work for everyone.
 
Thankfully I'm not in the same position, as although I am now doing a lot of the day to day management of daughter's horse, that is because she is at uni. She is still very keen though, and does the work and the riding when she is home, which is why I am happy(ish) to do the work whilst she is away.

In your position I think I would give her an ultimatum - she has to ride her horse X number of days in the next month or you will be putting him up for loan and getting another one for yourself. Given what you have said, it will be easier to find a loan home for him than sell him. I'd make the initial loan contract for a year, so if she does change her mind, she has the option of a second chance.

But if you do give her an ultimatum you need to stick to it!
 
Ok, I've just picked her up from a friends and dropped her off at work. We were in the car so she had no escape!
I told her that I want to ride and that I can't have another horse etc, also pointed out that I work 7 days to keep them and if it wasn't for hers I'd not have too (dust allergy=more expense in Haylage/bedding supplements) He's fully shod and so on. My own is on free straw and eats free/cheap hay (farmer husband bonus!) So is cheap to keep.
I've said we will give it til summer, both of us. I'll try and get him out a few times a week and she has to pull her weight more. If it's not working he will be advertised come summer.
She got stroppy and stormed off once at work.
Work is really important to her and I won't ask her to stop. She uses the money very carefully to be fair and has sole use of a horse there. The people she works for have been amazing to her and taught her so much. She pays for any competitions and mostly buys her own clothes etc
 
Ironic - you've given her what every horse mad teen wants and she prefers what most horse mad teens have to accept (myself included) but dream of their own one day!

She sounds a bit immature and spoilt in her response to you OP. I had a similar response from my daughter when I explained her outgrown pony needs a new rider - however she is 6 not 16! She has accepted he will be going on loan at some stage now and it's me who is putting it off!

I think you will need to revisit it when she has calmed down, and I also think you will really need to stick to your guns, I also wouldn't wait until Summer as then you run the risk of having him over another winter with her lost interest and you with nothing to ride.
 
poiuytrewq said:
Ok, I've just picked her up from a friends and dropped her off at work. We were in the car so she had no escape!
I told her that I want to ride and that I can't have another horse etc, also pointed out that I work 7 days to keep them and if it wasn't for hers I'd not have too (dust allergy=more expense in Haylage/bedding supplements) He's fully shod and so on. My own is on free straw and eats free/cheap hay (farmer husband bonus!) So is cheap to keep.
I've said we will give it til summer, both of us. I'll try and get him out a few times a week and she has to pull her weight more. If it's not working he will be advertised come summer.
She got stroppy and stormed off once at work.
Work is really important to her and I won't ask her to stop. She uses the money very carefully to be fair and has sole use of a horse there. The people she works for have been amazing to her and taught her so much. She pays for any competitions and mostly buys her own clothes etc
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I think you have the solution, she has a horse to ride, with company she likes so she has no need of the horse you own. I wouldn't be giving it till summer. Get it ready to be sold or loaned out through PC, everyone starts looking at Easter, by summer most people have bought something and are thinking about back to school.
Do not feel bad, it happens to us all. I have three sheep that my daughter wanted but she never even looks at, she has been told if they are any trouble they are off to the butchers, and she's 26 now.
 
Whoopit said:
I think kids who have had a pony bought for them at a very young age nearly always lose interest. They got what they wanted and didn't have to hanker after wanting one when the kids who couldnt afford to have one, probably had an unhorsey family and had to work for extra rides at the riding school are nearly always the ones that stick with it!
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Actually in most cases, I know, not all, they got what mum wanted! Many mothers who longed for a pony as a child make sure that their children do not have to ask for one. How many posters on here have bought a Shetland before the new baby can toddle?

IMO, honetpot has the right idea, she bought the ponies, they are her responsibility

Bonkers2, teenagers might well want me to adopt them but they would find me implacable! In this situation, I would stop the yard job if that is taking too much time and energy but would also bear in mind that GCSEs take up a lot of time, there is massive pressure to succeed put on students by the school and themselves and these exams are very high stakes. Part of the parent's role at this time is to keep home life as stress free as possible. I do not think it acceptable for a parent to ask a school child to contribute to the cost of keeping an animal which the parent bought.
 
poiuytrewq said:
Ok, I've just picked her up from a friends and dropped her off at work. We were in the car so she had no escape!
I told her that I want to ride and that I can't have another horse etc, also pointed out that I work 7 days to keep them and if it wasn't for hers I'd not have too (dust allergy=more expense in Haylage/bedding supplements) He's fully shod and so on. My own is on free straw and eats free/cheap hay (farmer husband bonus!) So is cheap to keep.
I've said we will give it til summer, both of us. I'll try and get him out a few times a week and she has to pull her weight more. If it's not working he will be advertised come summer.
She got stroppy and stormed off once at work.
Work is really important to her and I won't ask her to stop. She uses the money very carefully to be fair and has sole use of a horse there. The people she works for have been amazing to her and taught her so much. She pays for any competitions and mostly buys her own clothes etc
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The last paragraph is, I think, the explanation. She has everything she wants. She has fun and support for competitions, and, I guess, lessons. Selling a horse is hurtful, so she does not want to.

I would not leave this too long, as nothing can be done before exams. If you are going to sell, then it needs to be well before, or afterwards.

As a kid I always had to prove how keen I was. There would have been no leaving the horse. I had to go on the bus after school. Having said that, I am sure my exam results would have been better if I did not have one.
 
I'd say loan/sell sooner rather than later unless she completely changes her attitude and commitment to this horse.
 
Pearlsasinger said:
Tbh I think today's teenagers are under a lot of pressure from all sides and need a bit of leeway at home. I would be tempted though to stop the yard job and ask her to spend that time riding her own horse, so that he is fit enough to do the things that she enjoys. Please don't compare your teenage years to her life in her hearing, that will be counter productive!
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Yes, completely agree with this.

My daughter is 17 and started a college course last September and doesn't get home until after 5pm on a weekday which leaves me doing all the chores during the week including feeding/checking them on my way home from work. I have found it REALLY hard going this Winter however, if she finishes early or has a day off she always does the horses without me even asking and always pulls her weight at weekends. She also still wants to ride as often as possible too.

We have however, discussed the possibility of her going on to Uni and I have said that I would have to get a sharer or possibly put her pony out on loan because I couldn't do all the work for 3 horses all year round except for Uni holidays.

I am lucky though in that I do have one I can ride (I don't ride her pony, far too odd a character for me!) :)
 
My daughter, same age as yours, lost interest last year. We had a very open conversation and we agreed her horse would go - he was a little too small for me.
I lasted a couple of miserable months without having a horse in our lives. So the hunt began and I bought one for me. My daughter rides occasionally.
I think you're sensible waiting until summer. Exams will be over mid June - then you'll be able to see if she picks it up again.
 
My girls both stopped riding around the same time. They occasionally "helped me out" by looking after their horses if I couldn't (a rare event), but it petered to almost nothing over time.

They still love horses, and when they come home and I suggest they come and see them or ride, there's always a reason why they can't!

Never mind, kids grow up, and I'm sure one day they'll have kids of their own who might fancy riding. In the meantime, I'll look after our two and potter out a couple of times a week. They're just big pets nowadays!
 
i'd sell or loan it. Yes it will hurt, but in the long run it's the fairest thing to do for you and the horse, and will teach her a good life lesson in the long run.

I say this as I was exactly like your daughter when I was that age. When i was 16 I hardly went up to my pony and my parents threatened and threatened to sell, but i knew they wouldn't follow through. Pony sat there happily in a field but was completely wasted as it was a super hunter and competition pony and could have given someone else years of pleasure. Retirement didn't suit it and it soon got physical issues it never had while in work. It's a massive regret of mine that i wasn't mature enough at the time to let them sell it or find a loaner. I never fully understood the cost or effort needed to keep the pony, I though they were just exaggerating to make me feel guilty. If they had have sat down with the figures and made me give money towards it keep then i would have been either more motivated to loan it or, or else get my moneys worth riding it. As it was, i just stropped and got my way and in the long run neither i or the pony benefited. If i had a child I'd have a 'use it or lose it' attitude definitely. I also think it would be a better life lesson for her to see her mother going out and getting a horse she enjoys, instead of being a resentful martyr, and i don't mean that in a harsh way.
 
I think the fact that she is working hard at her job and is desperate to keep him is proof enough, I know how it feels being a teenager myself, I am desperate to devote more time to my horses but exams and my teenage brain just make me so exhausted all the time that I'm hard done to convince my family I'm still desperate to compete!

I think the sign of someone who has lost interest is if they aren't bothered either way and I bet you one way to make it clear is ask if she'd rather keep the horse and have a not so nice car or sell the horse to buy a nicer car! I can assure you if she's losing interest she will pick the car because it's what 80% of my "horsey friends" ended up doing!!
 
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