People smashing my confidence

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DSCC

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The last 2 years have been really rough, I lost my dad and this week a friend who has been ill for some time. I used to compete quite regularly and up to intermediate be, medium dressage and quite a bit of sj but over the last few years have hardly been out. I have really forced myself this year, got the 2 girls fit and took them to dressage lesson 3 weeks ago. Long story short my 1st lesson was cut slightly short when a woman told me that my horse in the lorry was distressed. I went back to find 2 people coming out of the lorry who then started telling me off for leaving a distressed horse on its own, it was disgraceful and I shouldn't go out on my own or should get a companion to keep her company in the lorry. They then walked off and left me and my 'distressed' horse and the horse I was sitting on was now bouncing about as not used to yelling. Horse was kicking the back of lorry. She has never done it before and doesn't care about being left on her own- she wanted out for her turn. Anyway, I had a wee cry and had my next lesson - for a supposedly distressed horse she behaved fab. I had been riding both horses 5 times a week to get them fit and have honestly been on them twice in the last 3 weeks. I cancelled dressage comp yesterday and am not sj tomorrow as originally planned. Well done busy body women, you must be so proud of yourselves. Sorry this turned into a novel! I am so angry with them for making me feel like this.
 
Sorry you've had a tough time, and well done for getting back into serious riding again.

Yes, some people are so good at being self-righteous and making a mountain out of a molehill. In your more vulnerable state you have let them get to you. Now I know it's easy to say, and this is meant kindly, but those women only had the power over you that you gave them. You know your horses, you have spent all that time training and fittening them and you have permitted some randoms to interfere and stop you from doing what you want to do.

May I please give you a gentle and well meaning nudge up the bum and encourage you to think B****x to the mean harpies and get out there and enjoy your horses?
 
God if there was a row every time a horse kicked a box here no one would be at a show. Do people sit at their horses sides all day and night in case they become distressed?!
 
Why would you let something like this bother you? Crack on. Take one horse at least if you are worried about their behaviour and meanwhile make sure they are unshakable in the lorry. You can't let yourself get wound up over what other folk think.
 
One of my favourite sayings when people stick their noses in and yell, rather than politely informing you about a situation and helping...
"If I wanted your opinion, I'd have kicked your sodding kennel!"

Crack on and enjoy yourself, our horses are for enjoyment :)
 
Forget them, they aren't worth worrying about. There are always some people who aren't happy unless they're making someone else unhappy. As has been said, you can go to any show & you'll find horses performing, kicking, pawing etc in the back of lorries. In a perfect world they'd all stand still & be angelic. They don't, it's the way they are, just get on with enjoying your horses & those busy bodies can just ******* *ff & find someone else to bully. :(
 
You know your horses best, and if they are just getting impatient rather than being really distressed.
Your mare sound just like my young cob - he gets ridiculously impatient and just wants out of the lorry and to start doing something. He sounds like a one-horse demolition squad in a in tin can! Having a companion makes very little difference.
Other people can be such rude busy bodies, but please try and ignore them if you possibly can. Do you have a friend who could 'mind' the horse left on the lorry and provide you with a little support the next couple of times out?
My gorgeous horses helped me through some tough times with three family deaths in a short space of time. Your horses sound wonderful too - enjoy them!
 
Like Celtic Fringe said, you know your horses best.

So many people are so quick to assume and be judgemental. Enjoy your horses and the fact that while people like those women are giving themselves headaches getting wound up over stuff that's none of their business you'll be out and about having fun.

Remember. Our horses are our means of getting away from the trials and tribulations of real life. These women aren't worth upsetting yourself over.
 
Interfering busy bodies, they probably couldn't ride your horses for toffee. Probably annoyed your horse by gassing loudly outside the Lorry!
 
While these women were interfering and should perhaps have minded their own business, it does sound as if they were originally motivated by concern for your horse. Was at a show one day and a horse had got itself stuck under a partition on the lorry while the owners had lunch, there were a few people with something to say about the length of time it took them to get out and sort the animal out. I appreciate this wasn't the case with your horse, but at least they took the time to ensure that the horse was ok.
As for how they have made you feel, they haven't made you feel anything, you have a lot of stuff going on, which they were unaware of, and this is how YOU feel in response to their actions/words, no-one made you feel what you did, except perhaps you.
 
Being shouted at and denigrated by some strangers and made to feel small is not a good experience for anyone, no matter what's going on in your or their lives. Try and file it under f for forget and accept some people are unable to be kind and chose to be confrontational as a result of poor social skills and lack empathy ...... and that's a reflection on them rather than you.
Your usual resilience is low at the moment and that is normal. It will get stronger. All anyone wants is people to be kind and gentle with us, you're not unusual for being disappointed when you don't receive that.
 
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Your are In charge of this affecting your confidence it's as simple as that .
In life you just have to zone out nonsense .
I would get the horses out in the truck a lot in a short period so they just learn it normal life and get on with it.
 
Can anyone tell me how to teach a horse that it needn't get distressed being left on its own in a lorry than to leave it on its own in a lorry?

People did this to me at a show jumping competition once. I asked them if my mare was hurt and they said no, so I shrugged my shoulders and carried on warming up to jump. Their faces made it clear what they thought!

OP forget them. You sound a bit depressed, please think about seeing your doctor for a bit of help.
 
I am sorry your treat out turned to such a not nice experience.

If someone had spoken to me like that I would have spoken to the trainer, if it was their yard, and told them how rude their guests (liveries? grooms? Other clients?) were. I would probably also have asked how on earth the horse was supposed to get used to being in the box on its own if I come running every 5 minutes.

As a plan forwards I think if I had to travel alone I would just take one horse. To take 2 I would probably take a friend so I could concentrate on my lesson.

I think most of us who compete two horses have had to accomplish the hurdle of ignoring fuss until the horses realise they have nothing to gain by fussing.

As an aside, I would have been quite cross that strangers had been in my lorry. I would have preferred they had just fetched me.

A tactic suggested on here, which I have done, is to laminate a sign for the window of the lorry, In case of issue with the horses in this lorry please call tel 07111 33***** and I will return. Please do not enter the box.

There have been too many accidents with people entering boxes that they don't know about, there was a man seriously (life changeingly) injured when his horse was kicking and someone thought it would help to out the ramp up. Sadly it was a hydraulic ramp, and they did not know how to operate it, so when the owner returned to find the ramp up they tried to put it down and it fell on them.

I do agree that it is not these people who have "made you feel" any which way, but if your resilience is low then people shouting at you is a great stressor, particularly if they are critiquing your care of your horses, especially when you are probably a lot more competent than them. It may help to look at ways to re-build your resilience, and TBH getting going with the horses is probably a great way. The GP route is another, or there may be a self referral route for a talking therapy.

I am so happy that you are ready to go get 'em again, and hope you feel like visiting a lesson or comp again soon.
 
To be honest, I can understand why the ladies were concerned, it is horrible to witness a horse getting distressed in a lorry and kicking and banging about, when the owners are nowhere to be seen. It places people in a big dilemma, because they feel they can't just stand there and do nothing and risk the animal getting injured, but on the other hand if they go onto the lorry and calm the horse down they will be accused of interfering. They shouldn't have shouted at you, but then they were probably feeling stressed, frustrated and perhaps a little bit scared, and presumably they don't know your back history. Whilst I can see you are upset about the issue, I can't really see why this has stopped you riding, and I suspect if it hadn't been this incident there would have been another incident that would have caused your upset instead, because you are understandably feeling quite fragile. I second the suggestion above that you would probably benefit from some help in re-building your confidence and learning how to cope with stressful situations, so you can shrug these kind of incidents off.
 
Hi there, sorry to hear you're going through the mill with things. Agree with what's been said that these woman were faced with a situation that probably left them feeling a little stressed, and as a result took their emotions out on you, obviously without the knowledge that you are feeling fragile at the moment. If they had, consider that they might have rethought their approach and been more gentle with you. Just be good to yourself. Keep riding, as it seems to have helped you cope with your situation so far. You're probably not firing on all cylinders at the mo, and your mind all over the place, so why not keep things simple for the time being and travel the one horse, building back to travelling the two and dealing with the associated challenges that brings when you're feeling stronger? Take care.
 
FfionWinnie said:
Why would you let something like this bother you? Crack on. Take one horse at least if you are worried about their behaviour and meanwhile make sure they are unshakable in the lorry. You can't let yourself get wound up over what other folk think.
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This because honestly who cares what other people think especially those you don't even know. I would have told them its your horse and its none of their business! I'd be very annoyed to see they'd been in my lorry to be honest! I'd also take just one horse to the first few shows then its more relaxed, taking two IMO is always a nightmare ;)
 
You have my utmost sympathies. If you're anything like me this kind of thing is totally crushing and just brushing yourself down and getting on with it doesn't actually always work, there's always a stain left you just can't get rid of.

Please don't let it stop you going out and going for lessons or even competing, you sound like you are far from a sack of spuds in the saddle and your horses sound super talented. I speak for myself again, but the feeling of having a super lesson or going out and doing well at a show I find make these kind of nasty experiences seem a little less vivid and more of just an occasional nasty thought.

I have not had the opportunity to get out enough and I am in desperate need of some euphoric post lesson moments, god I go and cry into a cup of tea for an hour after when my horse has been a brat and not trotted up for the vet and instead bronked around at the end of the lead rope!

Don't let these self-esteem sapping know-it-all's ruin it for you. Go and have post lesson highs and go win some rosettes! :)
 
"what other people think of you is none of your business".... You only live once, (I think?!)... Dont let some other people put you off what you want to do......I know, easier said than done, but grit your teeth and don't let it get you down. Lots of good advice Re carrying on with the lessons in posts above....
 
ycbm said:
Can anyone tell me how to teach a horse that it needn't get distressed being left on its own in a lorry than to leave it on its own in a lorry?

People did this to me at a show jumping competition once. I asked them if my mare was hurt and they said no, so I shrugged my shoulders and carried on warming up to jump. Their faces made it clear what they thought!
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I bet they did, and so would I. Deliberately leaving an unattended horse kicking off on the wagon at a show is irresponsible. We've all seen horses get into terrible pickles on a lorry, and I'm sure theses ladies were simply worried that your horse was in danger of injuring herself.

Of course horses have to be allowed to 'get over themselves', but always with an experienced handler nearby to act immediately in case of trouble.

OP, the passers by were probably over zealous and officious, but sounds like they meant well. Its unfortunate that they caught you when you were already at a very low ebb.
 
Yhe only person who can destroy your confidence is you. If you let people give you confidence then they can take it away very easily, if you are confident in yourself because of your achievements then nobody can take that away from you. I have leaned this in sport, if all your confidence comes from people blowing smoke up your butt then you will fall very quickly when it stop.

Think of all the things you said you were doing in your first statement, these are achievements you should use to show your confidence not some nosy typical horsey b/tch@s trying to give you a telling off when you know your horse was just impatient. I'd have just told them to get lost and locked my Lorry back up, end of.

You need to just think of what you have accomplished and leave everything else behind, words can only hurt if you let them, I'm terrible for letting friends get to me but general people I can dismiss with a roll of the eyes and a snort. I do a job that requires this as if I took to heart all the names and abuse I take on a daily basis I'd be in a mental institution :)

Chin up and set goals and let the negative people pass on by, they don't know you and there for don't matter :)
 
FfionWinnie said:
Why would you let something like this bother you? Crack on. Take one horse at least if you are worried about their behaviour and meanwhile make sure they are unshakable in the lorry. You can't let yourself get wound up over what other folk think.
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I am sorry that you have had such a tough time recently.
But just think how much worse you would feel if your horse had hurt itself while you were having your lesson on the other horse. Would you be grateful if the women had averted a disaster? I expect so.
TBH I think your dip in confidence is more as a result of your contemplation of the worst that might have happened, than to thesee women's actions/words.
Now you need to take either just one horse, or two horses and a friend who can monitor the 2nd horse's behaviour and if necessary intervene without having to disturb you and build your confidence again. Only when you are absolutel certain that you can leave both horses alone while you are unavailable, without any protest should you risk taking 2 on your own, imo. Or, of course, you could ask your instructor/the venue if you can use a stable while you have to leave obne horse unattended.
 
Pearlsasinger said:
I am sorry that you have had such a tough time recently.
But just think how much worse you would feel if your horse had hurt itself while you were having your lesson on the other horse. Would you be grateful if the women had averted a disaster? I expect so.
TBH I think your dip in confidence is more as a result of your contemplation of the worst that might have happened, than to thesee women's actions/words.
Now you need to take either just one horse, or two horses and a friend who can monitor the 2nd horse's behaviour and if necessary intervene without having to disturb you and build your confidence again. Only when you are absolutel certain that you can leave both horses alone while you are unavailable, without any protest should you risk taking 2 on your own, imo. Or, of course, you could ask your instructor/the venue if you can use a stable while you have to leave obne horse unattended.
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I'm inclined to agree - it's pretty bad form to leave a horse having a paddy in a lorry on a showground or a training venue. I take mine out one at a time for this reason, unless I have access to a stable.

That said, you can invest some time in training to enable you to leave them without fuss. That's where "leaving them to get over themselves" is a really good idea (with the caveat that you're able to step in if the situation becomes dangerous).


I'm also amused by some of the assumptions previous posters have made about those who felt the horse was distressed... I'm not sure you can judge someone's equitational skill on the basis of whether they object to a horse kicking in a lorry or not!
 
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