Please excuse me while I die of idiot disease.

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[69117]

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SO...

I am casually mooching about at home after a hard morning's painting my yard - no make up on, hair up, about 5 zillion layers on under a big, painty fleece, and some very strange slippers...thinking I am just going to be home for a while to eat some lunch and make some important businessy phone calls...rather enjoying being at home for a change having moved back in while my yard gets sorted out...

cue a VERY loud and crazy Nazi-esque knock at the door....

I shuffle over in my mingingness to answer the door thinking it's a friend from the next village bringing me some figs (not for waxing!)....



but no



it's the bloody farrier.









and his bloody flat mate.





and my dog.




My lovely darling dog heard his van up the road at a friend's yard, and went visiting, so mister super sexy brought him back when he'd finished working.



Cut to my mother and I having a complete melt down and turning into a pair of right dicks. My mother mostly just ran about shrieking "COME IN AND HAVE A SAUSAGE!!!" while I just stood and died inside thinking "I am the rankest looking rank thing from rank town, please just go away and leave me to die alone quietly".


Both of them were lovely and charming as always.

I was a knob, and looked like I should really crawl back into the drain I crawled out of.



Now please excuse me while I go and stick my head in a bucket of whelks and hope they suck out my soul.
 
Oh hun.

Is it so wrong of me to be laughing [just a little bit??!].

If it makes you feel better...I had a proper hot feed bloke turn up this morning...cue me sporting sweaty hat hair and jeans which the knobhead horse had split just prior to him arriving! :o
 
Sadly I am not dead yet.


I seem to be doing a lot of whimpering and wailing. I'm an arse. And laughter is not allowed Binky, or I'll chuck the whelks on you!!!!

And Clippy - it gets worse,

she actually ran outside to ask the flat mate if HE would like a sausage.
 
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I have had the worst day ever and just when I was thinking about going to bed without cracking a smile all day.................




.............along comes a Starzaan post.

Brilliant! :D
 
HEY NOW! I am here suffering with ugly disease and humiliation, and you lot are all laughing like drains and falling off your chairs!!

I hope you fall onto a stray plug with the prongy things facing up. And I hope it pokes you in the bottom.

HARD.
 
See, I knew that Whelks were evil! They suck souls. That is ICK!

Oh Starzaan, is this the same doglet that went running away over fields causing you much distress?
 
Oh mate. I'm not laughing. This always happens to me and it is the pits!!!!!

Before my bf was my bf I had surgery on my knee and he turned up as a suprise the day I got home from hospital and I was so mortified at the state I looked I stormed off ( as much as I could on crutches and morphine) crying my eyes out.

It's rubbish. I'm sure you looked fine though. Honestly. You sound like a hotty to me, with all these men chasing after you, so I can only assume you look just fine in several fleeces and a pair of slippers

They sounds weird and lezzy but I don't mean it like that honest!
 
*SNIFFLE*

I wouldn't mind you coming over all lesbian.

At least that would mean SOMEONE thought I was a hotty, and not a thing resembling the back end of a cow AFTER a beating with the mascara-less ugly stick.
 
Oh dear! I did the booby dance at the window once when my OH came home - farrier was in the car :rolleyes:

Starzaan said:
HEY NOW! I am here suffering with ugly disease and humiliation, and you lot are all laughing like drains and falling off your chairs!!

I hope you fall onto a stray plug with the prongy things facing up. And I hope it pokes you in the bottom.

HARD.
Click to expand...

Oh no - standing, bare foot on a piece of lego!
 
Brilliant. I think you should get the Farrier Saga published and then with that and Hovis's diary you'll both conquer and be in positions 1 & 2 of the Christmas Top Ten Books...I can't wait. I nearly inhaled my naan bread at your mother's comment...
 
Well if you get desperate I'll be here and I'll put aside my, I wouldn't know what to do with a girl, hang ups especially for you. But only because you sound so mortified!
 
Inky_and_Sunny said:
Oh dear! I did the booby dance at the window once when my OH came home - farrier was in the car :rolleyes:



Oh no - standing, bare foot on a piece of lego!
Click to expand...

See, I would RATHER have been doing the morag dance... at least then my morags would have got a good old wafting in their turquoise morag restrainer.
 
Your write up of the whole thing is bloody hilarious! Did make me laugh. not great when the sexy farrier catches you looking less than your best, I always like to look nice for mine too :D They take the mick in work about me having my sexy/hot farrier every time he visits! :D
 
I DEMAND sympathy.

You're all useless.

My mother also did megaphone hands and very nearly locked FF in my car with a tin of paint.

Poor man is never going to come back.
 
Is fit farrier's flatmate a farrier too? if not is it a little worrying that he appears to be joined at the hip with ff?

Where is the lovely mechanic while all these sausages are being offered?

I think you have some competition with your Mother when it comes to ff, are you sure he is not secretly coming to visit her? She does seem very taken by his manly charms.
 
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