Please HELP! Whats happening to me!

Antw23uk

Antw23uk

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Hi All

Not sure if this will go to press but Im desperatley unhappy at the moment. It seems, almost overnight, that my passion for riding and indeed owning a horse has gone out the window. I got back into riding two years ago after a 20 year break and have owned my horse 7 months.

I have literally gone from the happiest owner in the country to one who has no motivation to ride and spends as little time at the yard as possible. I feel so guilty everytime I look at my beautiful boy and wonder if he is better off being sold to someone who will ride him and care for him. How the hell has this change in me happend? Its litterally been over a few days. How could I have possibly lost all confidence in being an owner and rider because thats the only thing i can think that it is ... confidence?

Has anyone else felt like this? How did you overcome this? Part of me is racked with guilt for even thinking of selling him but then there is the part of me that just looks at him and wishes he wasnt mine. I've owned this horse for 7 months and he is wonderful and doesnt deserve this, Im an awful, awful person :(

I know I've been dreading the winter coming and things at the yard arent that great right now but I just wish i could put my finger on what the issue is.

I tell myself I'm going to ride and then when it comes to it I just muck out, bring in and im off home as quickly as possible telling myself i will ride him tomorrow .... This horse deserves more, he is amazing and he also needs ridden every day and in my heart of hearts thats just not me right now.

Please ... if anyone has got this far and isnt thinking what a spoilt brat I am then please help me with any advise :(
 
I think everybody has periods of hot and cold over the course of owning horses. I'd say stick it out for a few weeks, something might suddenly switch back then you'll be in love with your horsey and want to be there all the time riding/ faffing about. And if you don't feel this then maybe you have really gone off it and selling is the best thing to do.
 
Winter. Motivation sapping dark nights, cold and rain. Don't ride if you don't want to - your horse will be fine, honestly. If you really really feel he needs ridden every day then maybe think about a sharer but i would honestly just relax, take the pressure off yourself and wait until you want to ride.
 
oh dear!
I think we all go through it. If this feeling has only been with you for days and you were fine before that it could be temporary. Give yourself time to get on an even keel again emotionally and if you decide if you really have lost interest and would rather be doing something else. Horses take up so much of our time, money and commitment, if your heart isnt really in it, it will only make you miserable and you'll end up resenting your horse.

If you decide you've had enough selling him would be the best thing. If you're not sure nd think things woulndt seem so bad if you had some help with the daily commitment of horse ownership, you could consider a sharer?


I think everyone;'s dreading winter!

Dont beat yourself up and nothing you're feeling makes you a bad person.
 
It's probably a mixture of the onset of winter and coming out of the honeymoon period - the time of year when it's cold/wet/windy/dark and you just don't feel like having to go out and ride when you could be warm and dry; and that time in horse ownership when it's not all shiny and new any more, you are realising that you have to do the same things over and over again, every day, and maybe realising that your horse has some issues you need to work on, he isn't the perfect angel you thought he was. You've just got to knuckle down and force yourself to get on when it's raining (once you get on you forget the rain, honest!) and look forward to the lighter mornings/evenings and better weather when it will all be worthwhile. It's really boring just schooling on your own every day. Can you arrange to ride with some friends/meet up to do the chores so it's a bit more fun? Or have some lessons - you'd be amazed at what you can put up with when you know you are paying for it and will lose money as well as face by bottling out! Or find a new activity which will motivate you again. Have you tried trec/sidesaddle/hunting/jumpcross....there's lots of variety out there.
 
What the others have already said! Ups and downs are normal so try not to be too hard on yourself - you feel bad for not riding your horse but he might not be minding at all. Maybe have a break from riding for a bit if you don't feel like it, or give him the winter off - he could go on grass/full/part livery elsewhere (as it sounds like you're not feeling 100% about your current yard). Or the sharer idea might be a good one, it takes some pressure off you and you never know, it might inspire you!
 
I've been in this exact same position as you and i can honestly say that although it took time things do get better. I'm not sure that there was just one thing that changed my perspective but I can give you a couple of good suggestions about what helped me. Firstly, I think that setting yourself goals is the best possible thing to do in this situation, small goals that make you feel that you have achieved something when you've completed them. Set yourself a goal to do something with your horse that you've always wanted to do that kind of thing.
Another thing I would suggest is try taking the pressure of yourself and your horse for a while, do some groundwork, work on your bond do whatever makes you feel happy. Positive experiences with your horse will be extremely helpful for you. When I was struggling just bringing my boy in to do something felt like a chore as he was out 24/7 but even so I made the effort to take carrots to the field or went to visit him, do whatever feels right.
Finally, try finding someone on your yard maybe that you could go up to the yard with or meet there, someone that you can do things with, hack out together or whatever you fancy.
Hope this will help, if you need to talk feel free to PM me.
 
Sounds like a spot of the blues to me OP. I echo what others have said though, everyone goes through stages of horse ownership wondering what the point is from time to time. Heck, I know I have!
 
As everyone else has said the winter blues do creep in but what are the issues at the yard? This could be having a big impact if there's a bad atmosphere. Also, what really helps to rejuvenate my passion is by getting active and doing things such as meeting a friend and loading horses to go somewhere new on hacks, we recently did a pleasure endurance ride for fun and even having lessons or deciding to aim for a show can make a big difference. I find I really push on in dark winter nights to ride as much as possible because once you're in the habit of doing it it becomes easier. Likewise, if you start off making excuses not to ride as winter draws in it can be difficult to get out of.

Do you have people you can ride with?
 
I've owned horses for 20 years and feel like this every October without fail. The thought of winter is much worse than winter itself, I find. As long as his basic needs are met, it's absolutely fine to let the rest go a for a bit - he's probably loving his break just being a horse.

At the moment, mine aren't clipped, are still out on the hay fields which are a 5 minute walk in the pitch black down a steep slippery slope from the yard and then in 30 acres in 6 fields with high hedges. Finding them, getting them in to ride, dried off afterwards and back out adds at least an hour to my evening and makes me miserable. I also rush to try to do it in daylight and always fail which makes me even more miserable.

Weirdly, once the clocks go back and I leave work in the dark I don't feel so pressured as I can't get there in daylight anyway so don't rush. Once my boys are back in their winter quarters (next to yard), in overnight and clipped and the mucking out has begun (normally end Nov) I don't feel anywhere near as bad as routine takes over. I find January and February one of the most enjoyable times to ride as the nights are starting to stretch out and all the schooling in the dark evenings rather than the hacking on the buckle I do most of the summer, is starting to pay off and I have polite, well-schooled horses!

If that doesn't happen to you though, there's no shame at all in turning him away for the winter and picking him up when you're ready.

Agree a sharer is a good idea - I am a sharer and a sharee (It's complicated but 3 of us look after 2 horses) and those two days off a week I get are a godsend.
 
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Having a horse is a bit like having a baby, the glossy magazines, people with smart kit, riders who are wonderful and we want to be like them. The reality is you spend most of your time harassed, smelly and wishing you were better at every thing and everything is covered in mud, with a baby it would be vomit and poo.
I wonder if your expectations do match the reality. I have not ridden for several years, in my mind I ride like the day I last got off, in reality I would be a sack of spuds but not as useful. I think you need to sort out in your mind what you want.
 
I would most certainly think about getting a sharer. I'm a sharer and will remain one because although I could afford to buy I just don't want the 365 day a year commitment but totally and utterly admire those people who do. Because I work in a school I always do more over the holidays, which I love but always think to myself I don't have what it takes to be solely responsible. Only if I won the lottery and could buy a house with room for a pony or two plus someone to help out or full livery somewhere would I ever buy. Hope you work something out the fact you're worried and upset shows how much you love him.
 
Thank you all, you have all be great and i feel very humble and slightly dippy to have poured my heart out :o

I do have a wonderful sharer who is amazing. I think I just need to get going again, starting from tonight. Fresh week and all that :)

I do suffer from S.A.D but not usually this early on to be honest but will dig out my light lamp and st johns wort and man up :o

He is such a good horse, a bit simple, which makes him an oaf at times so its not him, it really is me that needs to get my head in a better place and crack on with it. I commute an hour each way for work which doesnt help and now the clocks have changed I will be leaving work in the dark so its schooling mid week which isnt our forte in life so that does put me off riding as well but it just seems to have spiralled and I've got myself into a rigth state! I will make more of an effort to ride out with people at the weekend so I then cant change my mind as I will be letting them down so thank you for that tip and thank you all again for being helpful and letting me know its not just me :p
 
Emilieu said:
Winter. Motivation sapping dark nights, cold and rain. Don't ride if you don't want to - your horse will be fine, honestly. If you really really feel he needs ridden every day then maybe think about a sharer but i would honestly just relax, take the pressure off yourself and wait until you want to ride.
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Totally agree, I would never sell my mare and she has been hideous to me in the last few weeks and at times I did think I had taken on too much and I wanted rid. I soon got over that and none of it was her fault, I just misunderstood her.

Winter, dark nights rubbish weather. I was dreading this winter having to exercise my TB everyday, I love riding her but doing it everyday would drive me insane. Well actually once i thought about it sensibly she doesn't need riding everyday, even if she has a couple of weeks off its not going to kill her. If you don't ride him, he will be ok, it wont do him any harm. Maybe on a dry evening you could do some ground work and bonding or maybe spend time fussing about him in the stable.

Sometimes I just down in the corner of my mares stable and watch her. She thinks I'm mad, will come over for a sniff or threaten to poo on my head, but she doesn't mind, its very relaxing x
 
At this time of year I think its only natural to be honest. As well as all that's been posted, just remember its not all about riding! You can take him out for a little 'kerb crawl' in hand; is there anywhere you can do a bit of lungeing/loose schooling etc Have you thought about doing horse agility or clicker training? In hand schooling exercises are great too (best book for that is by Oliver Hilberger) And if at the end of the day all you do is give him a little groom, stroke etc that's still good enough. Honest.
 
I have 5 horses and this is also effecting me at the moment. It started last winter with that awful winter. I haven't ridden all year and spend no longer than a hour at my yard. I feel so guilty but have lost complete interest in most things horsey. Ive had horses over 20 years and am a AI no longer teaching. To be honest just going through the motions with the horses as they all live out at the moment. One of my horses is a fantastic young eventer but I just cant get it together, I hope it all comes back.
 
I feel exactly the same, had my horse just over a year. I have come off a couple of times recently and it's really made me think!! I would rather sell the horse, buy a pony for my daughter or give up completely. Trying not to make a rash decision though and have some lessons planned to see if that helps. It's tough when the enthusiasm goes.
 
Worldiscomplete said:
At this time of year I think its only natural to be honest. As well as all that's been posted, just remember its not all about riding! You can take him out for a little 'kerb crawl' in hand; is there anywhere you can do a bit of lungeing/loose schooling etc Have you thought about doing horse agility or clicker training? In hand schooling exercises are great too (best book for that is by Oliver Hilberger) And if at the end of the day all you do is give him a little groom, stroke etc that's still good enough. Honest.
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I've never been one for ground work as such although obviously I expect manners ect but I like the idea of getting my head round this so thanks for the author tip.

johnross said:
I have 5 horses and this is also effecting me at the moment. It started last winter with that awful winter. I haven't ridden all year and spend no longer than a hour at my yard. I feel so guilty but have lost complete interest in most things horsey. Ive had horses over 20 years and am a AI no longer teaching. To be honest just going through the motions with the horses as they all live out at the moment. One of my horses is a fantastic young eventer but I just cant get it together, I hope it all comes back.
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Big hugs, hope you get your mojo back and get on with that youngster. I think when the are stabled it is totally different because you have to work with them rather than see them in a field and count four legs in each corner and go home you know?

Jackster14 said:
I feel exactly the same, had my horse just over a year. I have come off a couple of times recently and it's really made me think!! I would rather sell the horse, buy a pony for my daughter or give up completely. Trying not to make a rash decision though and have some lessons planned to see if that helps. It's tough when the enthusiasm goes.
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I do think lessons are the way to go so I must book in for some more.

My enthusiasm was cut short tonight due to a power cut from the storm but thankfully the YO's boyf had done my horse for me which was amazing of him but I am feeling more positive after blurting out my post this morning :O)
 
I was going to suggest clicker training as well, something you can easily do in a stable and does amazing things for your relationship. I also find that because you are looking to the details and have to be totally focussed for that session it makes me "mindful" and for me makes a huge difference to my mood, and then I try and carry this over into day to day life. I have clicker trained for years with my dog but struggled a little to transfer over to the ponies (2 very different characters) but recently did a 6 week course that I cannot recommend enough - a skype lesson once a week, lots of videos and info, and support for the whole time if needed. Can send you a link if you're interested? Personally I think people get too hang up on riding and forget sometimes to just be with their horse - they do survive without being ridden as long as they have turnout, but do really enjoy having time with their "human" and you might be surprised by the enthusiasm that you regain with a little focus :-)
 
I have had horses for 35 years but have never been competitive. This past year for the first time I have been seriously considering giving up altogether. I no longer ride and spend a minimal time at the yard. However in my case I feel it is due to a very big upheaval in my life and I am trying to work through it as if I get rid of my horses I will have nothing to make me get up in the morning. Stick with it for a bit I am sure in your case it is a temporary blip, I know the winter is a hard time for riders and owners but the spring will come !
 
OMG I'm going through this exact same thing at the moment and I've figured out not to be hard on myself and to listen to myself. My solution for this slump is to loan out my most demanding horse who really needs to be ridden daily, and keeping my youngster on full livery only going to the yard when I really feel like it. And this is gradually bringing my enthusiasm back as the pressure is off and I can enjoy the horses as and when rather than feeling forced to go and it all becoming a chore.

Be kind to yourself, don't let this frustrate you too much. Maybe you just need some time to yourself. Horses are so time consuming and intense that sometimes it just gets too much to try and fit it in with the rest of your life. Don't forget it's supposed to be fun. Is it possible for you to put your horse on full livery so you only have to go when you feel like riding? Or maybe rough your horse off for the winter and turn away, makes the caring less heavy and removes the need to ride entirely. You may find you're desperate to ride once we get through the bad weather.
 
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