PTS time... Saying goodbye to your best friend, how do you cope?

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Dukey

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I posted a while ago in veterinary about my old boy dropping his food. Well, his at RVC and after a CT scan its been discovered he has a growth at the top of his head, which is interfering with his brain. The vet is running more test but its likely that at 20 yo there's nothing they can do and the kindest thing is to PTS.
It's so hard I love him so much and feel like my heart is breaking, we grew up together.
I got him as a 4yo when I was 11, we did pony club and ended up competing at BE novice. He was a horse on the TV program Only Fools on Horses and got Scott Mills on the floor after he claime horse riding was easy :) he has been my mums happy hacker and served 10 years with the RDA. All this while eventing and hunting with me and doing medium dressage tests with my sister. Truly, he's a one in a million I can't believe I've got to say goodbye. :(
He's a huge part of my family, my mum is in pieces and hasn't told my sister yet as she's having a hard time at work. I feel like I'm holding everyone together, mum doesn't want any of our horsey friends to know until the diagnosis is clear. This makes it so hard for me as I can't talk to anyone about it :(
How do I cope? I'm competing my other horse on Saturday, currently have my daughter with chicken pox and having to work as well...

Anyway thanks for reading my depressing post, I just wanted to get it off my chest xxx
 
I'm so sorry, he sounds exceptional. What a fab life you and your family have given him. If the prognosis is poor and you do have to make the call, just know that it is the greatest act of love and courage to say goodbye.
It is hard, there's no escape from grieving for an old friend. Its the price we pay for all those wonderful years.
Thinking of you.
 
Hi OP and HUGE HUGS at this stressful time. I am so sorry to read this.

Well WOW - what a time you have had with your boy!!!! How lucky is he to have had the wonderful life he has, with you - his trusted friend and carer by his side for so much of it. And how amazing for you to have shared this journey with him.

I really feel for you. You will be distraught, bereft, and it will hurt like hell. You already know this :) What you will ALWAYS have are the memories...they never leave. You did right by this horse during his life, and you will do right by him in his death too, because that's what we do :)

Just remember it does get easier with that one thing we can't rush.........time.

(((HUGS))) to you and your wonderful boy xxx
 
Sorry to hear your news, so sad when we have to face the inevitable. :(

You cope simply because you have to, you do what is right for the horse and that is what gives me peace of mind. I have no qualms about pts a horse that needs it, because keeping it going would be for my own selfish needs and not the horse's. I take comfort in the fact that it is the one last thing I can do to keep the horse pain free and have a dignified end.

I also find that focusing on the good life that the horse has had helps, rather than the last few days/hours leading up to pts. Some horses are lucky and have caring owners who will do the right thing, others don't fare so well and I try to remember that I am doing it for the right reasons, sadly they don't go on forever and pts is a part of responsible ownership that we all have to face at some point.

I hope all goes well with your horse. I do find that once pts is the only option it is better to do it sooner rather than drag it out as you just end up torturing yourself. xx
 
Time is your best healer, i havent experienced one of my horses pts but i always well up thinking about it:-( thoughts with you x
 
I did not cope at the time, I was a complete mess, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do!
Like others have said, time heals and knowing you have done the kindest thing for your horse helps, but does not stop you missing them dreadfully! Hugs x
 
When my friend had her pony PTS a few months ago, she found these comforting....

I stood beside your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying; you found it hard to sleep.

I whinnied to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you. I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

I was with you at my grave today; you tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you, that I'm not lying there.

I walked with you toward the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I put my head against you, nickered and said, "It's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.

It's possible for me to be so near you every day.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."

You sat there very quietly, then smiled; I think you knew.
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll gallop across to greet you, and we'll stand there side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there's so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.



May I go Now?
Do you think the time is right?
May I say good-bye to pain filled days
And endless lonely nights?

I've lived my life and done my best,
an example tried to be.
So can I take that step beyond
and set my spirit free?

I didn't want to go at first.
I fought with all my might.
But something seems to draw me now
to a warm and loving light.

I want to go. I really do.
It's difficult to stay.
But I will try as best I can
to live just one more day.

To give you time to care for me
and share your love and fears.
I know you're sad and afraid,
because I see your tears.

I'll not be far, I promise that,
and hope you'll always know
that my spirit will be close to you,
wherever you may go.

Thank you so for loving me.
You know I love you too,
that's why it's hard to say good-bye
and end this life with you.

So hold me now, just one more time
and let me hear you say,
because you care so much for me,
you'll let me go today.




How can I bear to lose you,
my precious gentle one,
to know that you will not be here
when my day is done.

So much of my heart, my love,
have I given up to you,
how then can I stand the pain
now that your life is through.

My sorrow overwhelms me,
the tears so freely flow,
how can I carry on my life,
with a heart that's laden so.

Then the answer comes to me
from the stillness in my soul,
remembering the love we shared
will help to make me whole.

I'll hold you in a special place,
so deep within my heart,
and in these loving memories,
we'll never be apart.

You will not be so far away,
your presence I will feel.
I'll wrap myself in memory
and slowly I will heal.

The years we shared, the little joys,
the laughter and the tears,
my love for you will never die,
but strengthen with the years.

So fare you well, my precious love,
I gently let you go,
and pray to all the Gods' there be
that you will always know,

I loved you so,
my little one, that love will never cease,
I gave you warmth, I gave you love,
and now I give you peace

It is never an easy decision to make. My thoughts are with you xx
 
You have no choice but to cope. It's horrendous. It hurts like your heart is being ripped out. Even breathing is tough. At times of grief, I've felt like my throat is closing up. But you have no choice. And you cry and wail and it feels like the tears will never stop. But they do. Kind of! Eventually. You sound like you're having a really tough time, dealing with so much right now. Just do the stuff you have to and ignore everything else for now. He sounds like an amazing horse and it will be the toughest thing imaginable to let him go. My thoughts are with you. Be brave.
 
if you find out please let me know. my girl went on monday and im really not doing well. can't eat barely drink and dragging myself out of bed is torture.
sorry im no help but we can get through this together. xxx
 
My heart goes out to you. I wont lie it isnt easy but as other people have said remember the good times and take heart from the fact you have always done the best for your horse and your doing the best thing for him now. It does get less painful with time but you never forget them. When i said goodbye to my old girl I'm sure she knew it was our final goodbye. Sending you hugs xxxx
 
It's horrendous but you need to be strong. If the vet's prognosis is poor, you're doing the kindest thing. Just think what an honor that is- to be able to alleviate your much loved lad from any pain or worry. It sounds like he's had a fab life, full of security and fun, so try and think of those times, but I know it's incredibly hard. Massive hugs to you and your boy
 
Just to say well done for being brave.


I have put off calling the man for Toffee again, not even sure how I can do it but it needs to be done, she looks so fed up and hasn't wintered well at all.

Massive hugs x
 
PoppyAnderson said:
You have no choice but to cope. It's horrendous. It hurts like your heart is being ripped out. Even breathing is tough. At times of grief, I've felt like my throat is closing up. But you have no choice. And you cry and wail and it feels like the tears will never stop. But they do. Kind of! Eventually. You sound like you're having a really tough time, dealing with so much right now. Just do the stuff you have to and ignore everything else for now. He sounds like an amazing horse and it will be the toughest thing imaginable to let him go. My thoughts are with you. Be brave.
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Couldnt have said it better myself!

I didnt have much of a choice in the end, he made the choice for me. I will never forget the vet phoning to tell me he had passed away, for a good few days it didnt feel real, like a dream. I still have bad days when I am in tears, but I try to smile when I think of him.

My thoughts are with you, these things are never easy. x
 
Big hugs coming your way :(

Best way to cope... spoil him absolutely rotten for his last few days, spend plenty of time with him, know that he's happy, and know that he's going to be free from any more pain. It doesn't help the massive void that they leave, but it does take a weight off when you know they were happy when their time came.

It's a terrible thing to deal with. Let the tears fall, and take the fact he lived an amazing life with you as comfort. He's been cherished by you for the past 16 years, he couldn't have asked for any more.

Don't feel like you have to stay strong all the time - let yourself grieve. Only time will make it seem any better, but it's something we all go through at some point. Thoughts are with you.

Edit to say: completely echo PoppyAnderson and BlackVelvet. I've never felt my heart literally ache before, or felt physically sick for days on end. Only death of your best friend does that to you.
 
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I am so sorry you are having to go through this. As others have said, you cope because you have to. You have to be strong for your horse, because he is depending on you to help him. Having my boys PTS has been the hardest, most hurtful thing I have had to do, but I did it because I loved them. I couldn't watch them suffer, my feelings had to be put aside ,for them. I still miss them, and think of them daily, sometimes with a smile, and sometimes with tears, but I know I could have not done anything more. Nothing more can hurt them now, and I am gradually finding peace with what was inevitable.
You will hurt , and wish you could turn back the clock, but just try to remember him as he was, and enjoy your sweet memories. And talk about him, it really does help, even if you feel the tears coming. I really feel for you, but you are not alone. I hope all goes well for you and your beloved horse. Thinking of you ((hugs)) x
 
Sorry to hear of your sad news. We love and care for our special friends all their lives and the last caring thing that we can all do for them is to make sure that they do not suffer at the end, it is so very hard to make this call but we have all had to or will have to at some point. No one finds this an easy thing to do but we have to do it. As they say if you love someone then let them go. Cope well I do not think anyone really does you just have to get through the best you can and when its hard just think of your horse and what is best for him. Sounds like he has had a fantastic life and has been truly loved, which every horse deserves to be. Thinking of you both at this very hard time. x
 
Lost both of mine within 7 days a few weeks ago, I surprised myself with how I coped. I felt sad but managed to continue with my daily life and ride one for someone else. Got another horse two weeks later. Dont get me wrong I miss them alot and think about them alot but I do not dwell on it. It happened and it cannot be undone You have to move on and enjoy life
 
My old girl was PTS last autumn and it was a planned and carefully timed ending. My way of coping was to treat it like an ordinary veterinary visit for her. The "treatment" she was given cured all her aches and pains for good. I couldn't slow time down for her, but I could stop its progression completely. Thinking back I did everything on autopilot, even covering her eye as usual when the vet sedated her. It was just the three of us, I had no-one to support me during or after so I just had to get on with it but I suppose that helped me to concentrate on her needs rather than mine. I miss my lovely old girl so much, every day, but am happy knowing I did the right thing at the right time. I'm sure you will feel the same. Sadly, the price we pay for love is a broken heart.
 
horsesatemymoney said:
It's horrendous but you need to be strong. If the vet's prognosis is poor, you're doing the kindest thing. Just think what an honor that is- to be able to alleviate your much loved lad from any pain or worry. It sounds like he's had a fab life, full of security and fun, so try and think of those times, but I know it's incredibly hard. Massive hugs to you and your boy
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Beautifully put. Thinking of you OP.

P
 
So sorry to hear.My only advice would be once you have made that decision have a chat to your vet about options etc & if you have time try to go for a nice sunny day & let him go with the sun on his back munching on a big bucket of food.
worried for years about having my old mare pts but i have to say in the end it was such a relief & she went so peacefully.I did have my vet out on the monday to have a look & confirm i was doing the right thing & he came out that same week on the friday & put her to sleep.
I planted a tree & was very lucky to be able to have her burried ,i still go up & have a chat every now & then.Good luck & you will all cope...i promise.xxx
 
Wow, thank you for all your heart felt replies and poems. They relly have made me feel a little stronger. The vet is running the tests today, there are options but I have a gut feeling this is the end and I do not want my lovely horse in pain. I'll be brave and do the right thing, mum and I have discussed it this morning and kind of planned what we want to do. I have everything crossed he will get through this but deep down I know he's not going to, no matter how positive the vet sounds!
Thank you again, your words mean a lot to me xxx
 
I think this poem says it all

The Greatest Gift

I always knew this time would come,
From the very instant our eyes first met.
How I loved you then! How I love you now!
I made a promise then, and I keep that promise now…
You will not suffer from a pain that will not heal;
You will not know the loss of a life remembered, now gone.

It is for me alone to make this decision,
The price for the bright joy and pure laughter
You brought me during the time we shared.
I am the only one who can decide when it is time.
When my hope dies, and my fears ride high,
Just when I need you the most, I must let you go.

It is for you alone to tell me when you are ready
For without your guidance, I will not know
When to lay my guilt, my grief, my anger,
My sorrow and my selfish heart aside
And give you this last gift, this greatest gift.
Your eyes will speak to mine, and I will know.

The pain of this moment is excruciating.
Tears stream down my face in a river of sorrow.
And my heart drowns in a pool of grief.
For you have spoken and I have listened,
And unlike other decisions I have made
This one brings no relief… no comfort… no peace.

For if there’s one thing you’ve taught me,
If there’s only one thing I’ve learned…
Unconditional love has a condition after all.
I must be willing to let you go when you speak to me
I must be willing to help you go, if you cannot go alone.
And I must accept my pain so you can be free of yours.

Go easily now, go quickly now,
Do not linger here, it is time for you to leave.
Go find your strength, go find your youth.
Go find the ones who’ve gone before you.
You are free to leave me now, free to let your spirit soar
Rest easy now, your pain will soon be gone.

I pray I will find comfort in my memories…
In the dark and lonely days ahead.
I cannot say I will not miss you, I cannot say I will not cry.
For only my tears can mend my broken heart.
But, I promise you this: as long as I live,
You will live, alive in my mind, forever in my heart.

So I give you this last gift, all I have left to give,
And this will be my greatest gift… sending you away.
It is the measure of my unconditional love…
For only the greatest love can say,
“Goodbye, go find the bridge, we’ll meet again,
Loving you has been the greatest gift of all.”
 
I am so sorry. It is an extremely difficult and brave thing to organise.

In the weeks when I "knew" and my boy was enjoying his summer out I just spent a lot of time talking to him about it. Sometimes I groomed him up to show condition just to make him look beautiful and because he liked it. I took him out for short walks in hand talking to him all the while. It was a bitter-sweet time and away from him I sobbed my heart out.

In the end I felt fairly peaceful because I had told him everything. I said to him that we would be together again one day and that I would have to wait years, but for him it would seem like 5 minutes. I suppose it all helped my peace of mind really though it didn't help my grief afterwards.
 
Reading this thread has made me very sad :( especially as it could possibly be that time for me too soon with one of mine :(


OP-Your boy sounds like an absolute diamond! Thank your lucky stars you got the pleasure of owning and loving him for all these years. If only everybody was like you and your family.
 
I'm so sorry for you loss.

I'm now sat here bawling my eyes out remembering how painful it was when I lost both of mine. With Harry, it was my call, although there wasn't really any other option. Misty took making the choice out of my hands. I'd had her since I was 11, and she died when I was 23. She saw me through all but 2 months of secondary school, sixth form, university, and the first year of my PhD. I used to dream about having my own pony, and would cry when I woke up and realised it was just a dream. I never thought I'd ever have my own. And then I got Misty. She was a dream come true.

Take strength from the fact you will have done what is best for him. Not everyone can be that strong, sadly. You sound like you have had a fantastic time together, with some pretty amazing memories. Quite probably, like me, years later you will read something and it will set you bawling (can't listen to Don't Speak by No Doubt without crying, almost 7 years after Harry died), but when the raw agony recedes slightly, you will have those memories to draw on.

Despite the pain of losing them, I am glad both mine ended their days with me. I didn't have to worry about what would happen to them after if I sold them. I didn't have to worry that someone wouldn't have the strength to make the right decision for them. You know they ended their days with love and dignity.

Sending you absolutely massive *hugs*
 
Ahh thank you, all your replies mean so much. He's my horse of a lifetime and from reading some of your stories I know others have managed with this heartbreak but it's so hard :( lovely poem bertolie. Sorry for bring up old memories and making people cry I truly don't know what to do with myself, I'm so upset :( we're trying to be positive but I feel like I have a black cloud over my head!

I can offer tissues and a cuppa to all of you lovely people xxxxxx
 
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