Quandry .. Advice please

Blimey you must be knackered! I use the time down the yards as me time to stop me going potty and my little boy loved his time both the bobbing about and the riding side of things. Nothing like the great outdoors is there. DIY is more time consuming but if neither are being ridden then its a nice option to have.

Having said that winter is coming its more difficult to have a young child with the rain chucking down so if it were me and if the finances stretched to it the Polo Yard sounds great.

Does your little one go to nursery? Mine started last year just a couple of hours a week to give me some free me time :D
 
Oh Bedford what an awful situation.

Ditto going to see citizens advice, possibly might be worth contacting a women's charity too, they'll have all the advice you need to help you untangle your situation.

Ask yourself one question, would you be able to live your life without your oh? Sounds like you are a hell of a lot more switched on than you give yourself credit for. You run the house and three sets of accounts and your family. Take a step back and look at what that actually entails, it's hard work and you manage it.

Good luck.
 
Bedford Joy said:
Lol :)
Yes they are his companies :)
Good advice, full livery means I don't have to worry that if he's having a bad day that me seeing the horses would cause a huge row. They are very happy where they are too ... I have thought of leaving but after 20 years and the impact in the children I'm not strong enough. Besides if I did I'd definitely lose the horses. I'd have to be homed by the council and I am positive I'd lose the horses then :(
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Does he pay you a salary for doing his books? If he claims back any of the costs for book keeping / accountancy then he should be paying you a salary his companies or not he pays himself doesn't he?? It could actually be a tax advantage so worth looking into.

Maybe you should do what I do my OH is an absolute star we share the childcare duties and he would never tell me what I can and cannot do for starters he knows I would laugh at him and this is no reflection on him but I squirrel money away. I have several different accounts pay into each monthly and the again when I have extras I do the same for my son. Ok so i run everything on a very limited budget and go without a lot but it does mean if the worst should ever happen then I know I can stand on my own two feet at least for a short period of time till I can get myself sorted.

As with others if he thinks your lazy take a week out don't do all the stuff at home you normally do etc I used to practise saying NO but once you get the hang of it its surprisingly easy :D

Shame you can't do a 6 months in advance at the next yard you go to at least that would give you a little breathing space if you did decide to leave.
 
My betting is he would find losing you an awful lot harder than you would losing him. They are changing the law now to include mental abuse. This is what your husband is doing to you. Always knocking you down, so your self esteem is in tatters. You need to find out where you would stand financially if you were to separate. I would also urge him to go to couples councilling. Although no doubt he is the type that would refuse.
 
The reason a lot of men have trouble accepting time their women spend with their horses is a simple one.
jealousy and then churlish resentment that time and love is being lavished on something that they dont see the point of and doesn't involve them..

This results in the sulky face being displayed immediately upon hearing the words 'Im just popping down to the yard love, be back in a few hours'

this ladies, is the crux of it.



Faod, not ALL men are like this. some have evolved their emotional intelligent beyond neanderthal stage but men's brains are slow to evolve and a lot have not got to the 21st century yet.
be patient!

Also, if you dare to point out that them spending their time on FOOTBALL is exactly the same thing as you spending time on your horse... it ISNT no, no, not at all! :D
 
I would price up the work you do for him, and give him an invoice.
I used to have this problem with my OH, who has horses who I used to look after, ride etc.
He was always of the opinion that I did nothing, even though I funded my own, and used to get quite nasty about it. He did buck his ideas up a bit, although in the end I left him to it and went travelling. This seems to have finally done the trick, and having had to do everything for nearly a year, has made him realise just how much I did.
So, if the invoice, and insisting he pays for his book keeping doesn't work, withdraw your services, and earn money from your own pursuits to pay for things, and take child with you.
Good luck, it is not an easy road.
 
So you work full time, run the home and look after the family.

Leave your horses wete they are happy, and see them when you can. Running your own businesses OS a little different from most us 9 to 5ers, in that you do have some flexibility.

And obviously if you did leave then your oh would have to provide for you. So can't see any issues there.

But that's a whole different thread.
 
Geld husband and put on full livery.

For your two horses...Can you do assisted livery instead and get a sharer? Or loan but to stay on current yard?

Sorry you are in a rubbish situation :( x
 
Oh sorry to hear of your situation. Well meaning though many people are, I really do not think it would be as easy as standing upto him once. He has all the control, or thinks he does.

I personally would go to something like CAB to start with, and have a long look at your options. Are you married? You have more rights. You know how much money goes into all 3 companies and I would personally try to squirrel away some back up money.

Go and have a chat. Understand what you could be entitled to legally, what would happen on day one, etc so you have the facts and remove your fear. Armed with this knowledge, you might be able to resolve things and if not pick up your life. I appreciate I am being simplistic but you do have options and you do not have to live your life like this. It is not about horses versus man. It's about a man bullying you so much you end up being crushed in a corner. Find some support, find a charity if no local friends. Reach out to your church..help is there, just have the courage to take it.
 
Luci07 said:
Reach out to your church..help is there, just have the courage to take it.
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i dont think the OP sounds like she's even got the time to go to church with all the work/kids/life she's got on and if she found a spare hour she'd probably rather spend it with her mares !

..but maybe that'as just me and perhaps some people would find that going to church provides all the answers to complicated partner related problems :D
 
Actually I think it is about standing up to them. Not easy, & doesn't mean the relationship will continue, but still achievable. Someone can only make you a victim as long as you let them. A bully only gets pleasure if you are intimidated & made to feel worthless. If you one day refuse to play that role, it won't change them but it stops them getting any satisfaction from it.
 
Thanks for all the great advice again. Littlelegs it's slightly more complicated as there has been violence in the relationship .. Not for the last 10 years but it's always in the back of my mind.
 
Bedford Joy said:
Thanks for all the great advice again. Littlelegs it's slightly more complicated as there has been violence in the relationship .. Not for the last 10 years but it's always in the back of my mind.
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You are really frightened of him, aren't you? Sometimes just the fear of getting the silent treatment or raised voice can be scary enough for abused women. I expect that he even gets you feeling sorry for him and how hard he works and how much he provides for you, so that you feel you should be grateful. And of course you would have the fear of losing the horses and your lifestyle should you split up. I really do feel for you. I do think you need to talk to someone though. Also, a useful tool is to try to change the way you view him. Start to realise that the problem is with him and that he is a flawed person and it is not your fault he is like that. It is ultimately his problem, not yours. When he reacts like he does, think to yourself that it is his character flaws coming out again and that he is not a strong person. HE has the problem, not you. Google how to deal with psychological bullies and emotional blackmailers, because this is what he is. You can get very useful books to help change your thinking and tell you the best way to deal with people like him.
 
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Don't get me wrong op, I don't mean for a minute its easy or a 20min job to sort out. You can't stop him being a bully, but you can choose to stop being his victim. Even if that means divorce & court injunctions. Do you really think mummy the victim is a good role model for your kids? Or that when they're teens & come home late/drunk/ with an attitude & answer him back he won't bully them too? Or hit them? You might be willing to put up with it for financial security, but which do you think your kids need most? Financial stability or a happy home & good role model for a mum?
 
lula said:
i dont think the OP sounds like she's even got the time to go to church with all the work/kids/life she's got on and if she found a spare hour she'd probably rather spend it with her mares !

..but maybe that'as just me and perhaps some people would find that going to church provides all the answers to complicated partner related problems :D
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You are misinterpreting and making an assumption. I am not talking abut going to simply attend a service I meant finding out what else the church can offer in terms of practical support. It sounds from the post that OP does not hace someone close who can support her so I thought of the church. One of my local churches is actively supporting people who at struggling in practical terms. Like a food bank. Another offers counselling with issues like alcohol. Have a look around. Find a vicar you can talk to, we have quite a few woman vicars around us. This woman is stuck in an abusive relationship and needs somewhere to turn. We can offer some support but honestly, none of us are giving her any practical solutions. We have collectively highlighted her situation is abhorrent and awful. Now let's see where we can point to help her in the real world.
 
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Wagtail said:
You are really frightened of him, aren't you? Sometimes just the fear of getting the silent treatment or raised voice can be scary enough for abused women. I expect that he even gets you feeling sorry for him and how hard he works and how much he provides for you, so that you feel you should be grateful. And of course you would have the fear of losing the horses and your lifestyle should you split up. I really do feel for you. I do think you need to talk to someone though. Also, a useful tool is to try to change the way you view him. Start to realise that the problem is with him and that he is a flawed person and it is not your fault he is like that. It is ultimately his problem, not yours. When he reacts like he does, think to yourself that it is his character flaws coming out again and that he is not a strong person. HE has the problem, not you. Google how to deal with psychological bullies and emotional blackmailers, because this is what he is. You can get very useful books to help change your thinking and tell you the best way to deal with people like him.
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And brilliant advice from wagtail as usual. He decides to behave like this. That is his issue. Yours is starting to believe you dont have to put up with it.
 
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