Question for parents of small children whose pony's have died.

P

Patches

Well-Known Member
Joined
12 February 2005
Messages
10,028
Visit site
How do you break the news to the children? My daughters didn't get to say goodbye. I really regret that Hannah wasn't here (she was at her dad's) and that I felt Isobel shouldn't see her poorly. I was so sure she'd be ok. Didn't seem that bad when we headed off to Leahurst.

Isobel is only 7. Although she's not the same level of rider that Hannah was at that age, she had made huge progress this summer and had become really keen. She is the ultimate "pony patter". Always wants to go and fuss the ponies and constantly blows kisses to Tweenie, telling her she loves her.

I know she will be most upset that she didn't get to say goodbye but I just don't know how to broach the subject to cause the least distress possible.....if that is possible. I almost don't want to tell them as I can hardly contain my own emotions at the moment. Can't stop thinking about her last half an hour after surgery where she had the seizure and ended up totally blind, in pain and completely terrified......and mostly alone.

I'm still in shock. Utter shock. I can't fathom how/what happened and why. Hopefully the pm will give me some answers, and more importantly now some reassurances for the rest of the herd.
 
(((((HUGS)))))

So sorry to hear Tweenie has died.

Firstly can I suggest to you that whilst Tweenie may have been distressed, the pain aspect of your worries may well be unfounded. After major surgery there would have been a good level of painkillers still in her system. I'm not intending to belittle your worries or distress but I'm hoping that she won't have been in pain. When you can you need to check with your vet for your peace of mind.


As for telling the children obviously leave out the bits that are especially distressing to you. Telling my daughter at that age would have been a sit down with several boxes of tissues and something along the lines of:


"You know Tweenie hasn't been very well and she had to go to the hospital for an operation, while she was there they found out that she had a problem that was going to make her very uncomfortable and unhappy and she wasn't ever going to get better from it and so while she was still asleep they just gave her some more of the anaesthetic and she just stayed asleep but her breathing got less and less until she wasn't alive anymore. I know she would have wanted to say goodbye to you but you wouldn't have wanted her to be in any more pain and nor would we so we had to decide to let her go as soon as we knew that she wouldn't get better."

It's not a problem to let the girls know you are very sad and upset, they know you loved Tweenie. You could ask them if they want a lock of her mane or, say, a bracelet made from her tail hair but point out to them that the best way to remember her is all the fun they had and how much she helped them.

btw - sooner rather than later is better. I KNOW you just want to put it off but honestly get it over and done with because they will know that something is wrong anyway.

I do feel very sad for you all. I'm dreading the day that I have to tell my daughter that her special pony is dead.
 
Oh Patches - what a horrible experience for you and what a horrible memory to have. You have to focus on the fact that you tried your very best for her and that the last five years of her life were wonderful with you. You and the vets made the right decision for her.

I echo how jemima has put it. You know you own children best - of course they are going to be devastated and you will have some difficult days ahead. But you know, and this is little comfort now, I think it's one of the good things about having animals is that children get to learn about death and illness in a safe place where their loving parents can support them through grieving.

I wish you all the best for what is undoubtedly going to be a difficult day. My only advice to you is don't forget your own grief in the effort to be there for your daughters. You too have lost a much loved friend, make sure you seek support where you can get it.
 
Oh honey please try not to dwell on what happened post surgery, as said above she would have still be on the painkillers from the op. You gave her the best option when found ill by taking her to Leahurst for them to try their best to make her better. You gave her every chance she needed to survive. Unfortunately it wasn't to be
frown.gif
Tell them as soon as possible, have a large box of tissues and cry with them. Tell them she is now in a better place where she is in no pain and isn't suffering. It is never easy losing a horse but just remember you didn't let her suffer and for that you should be commended. There are too many horses in this world that are left to suffer through neglect Tweenie most certainly was not one of them, she was very well looked after and very much loved. Please don't beat yourself up about this you did everything you could xxxxxxxxxxx
 
With such young children I think I would say that Tweenie died in her sleep when they operated because she was so poorly. It is a very hard thing for you to have to tell them. I knew some one who told their child the pony had gone off on loan. I felt this was not right and opened up all sorts of possibilities such as the child asking to go to see the pony or finding out from someone else etc. I am really sorry to hear about you losing your lovely little pony. X
 
My son (who was 6) cried for months over his pony, not all the time and the tears got further and further apart. We buried her on the farm and planted a tree on her body whcih in some ways was a constant reminder but in others was a comfort.
So sorry to hear your news.
 
I think you are the one who will suffer the most in your full knowledge of the complications. I'd spare the girls that and go with one of the excellent suggestions above as to how best the news is given. Your grief will be far greater and last much longer than theirs. I'm sure that living in the environment you do and the loving family they have will lessen the impact. Though the tears will certainly flow, young children thankfully have a very short-lived capacity for the acute sadness (IME) and they will probably howl (and distress you further) but then seem to 'get over it' and carry on. I really hope this is what they do and though it seems a bit odd, it's how I think children are programmed or able to absorb very bad news and shocks. Because they have a close and caring family around them, they will not have any lasting damage. I do agree that the suddenness of losing her will be more difficult for them and not being able to say goodbye is one I can't really help you with.

I still cry daily for our little one, even though losing her was always on the cards, we all said our goodbyes and her passing was peaceful.

May I add that I think your worries for her during her decline may well be assuaged by a vet and that she really wasn't in pain, or too much distress. I truly hope so, as you have already been exposed to a sadness and reality far greater than my own.

I want to say again how truly sorry I am she didn't make it, and send you all some Lancashire ((((((hugs)))))) x
 
Oh hun. In tears at your post.

Daughter lost her dog two years ago. She didn't get to say goodbye. I brought Misty home from the vets and we lay on the kitchen floor together and stroked her and said our good byes that way. Daughter was older than yours though.

I think the suggestion that you say she was just too poorly and she died while the vets were trying to save her would be my way to go: the children don't need to know the details. They may well be worried about the rest of the horses.

I have found that since losing Tigs, when hubby gave me a plaque with her last set of front shoes on, and Daughter made me a CD with a film strip of pictures, it helped immensely.
 
I agree with those who say just tell them she was too poorly to make it. Sadly I have had to tell my children about a few dogs and cats dying over the years and I still find it so hard. Don't be afraid to be emotional, cry with them, it is far better than have them feel they shouldn't show their emotion and bottle it up.
Although of course I don't know for sure, I would think it is very likely that she had people who cared with her at the end. Bear in mind Leahurst is a teaching hospital and students in their final years are involved in the cases, I suspect Tweenie will have stolen a few hearts when she arrived and would not have been alone. A friend had her mare pts there last year, and thestaff at Leahurst took a lock of her tail and sent it to her. Perhaps if you feel up to it you could ask for the same for Tweenie.
Sending you all loads of (((hugs))).
 
I agree with all of the above, tell them gently, and tell them she didn't make it, because she was very poorly.
Depending on your own beliefs, you might want to tell them the story of the Rainbow Bridge.
I have had to break the news of the deaths of several animals to my two daughters, now 12 and 10, and I think they take their cue from you, so I echo what a PP said about showing them how very upset you are, but also, that you know you must blow your nose and carry on - it doesn't mean you will ever forget her, but 'we have to be brave'.
Bless you all.x
 
When we had Skip PTS we took snips of his tail and had them turned into bracelets.
We gave these to the kids "from Skipper" with a card, saying "Sorry I had to leave but I left you this present to remind you that I loved you as much as you loved me"
Maybe you could get yor girls a little pony necklace or bracelet from Tweenie?
 
[ QUOTE ]
When we had Skip PTS we took snips of his tail and had them turned into bracelets.
We gave these to the kids "from Skipper" with a card, saying "Sorry I had to leave but I left you this present to remind you that I loved you as much as you loved me"
Maybe you could get yor girls a little pony necklace or bracelet from Tweenie?

[/ QUOTE ]

Oh that made me cry, how lovely.
 
No advice but huge hugs.....have recently had my childhood pony put to sleep, different scenario to your poor Tweenie, but i know how gut wrenchingly horrible it is.
Joeannes idea is just lovely xx
 
Tell her asap and very honestly.
My cat got run over while I was at school aged 7 and my parents told me the moment I got home- I ran to my room and stayed there for a few hours but I was glad they'd told me as soon as they could.
 
[ QUOTE ]
When we had Skip PTS we took snips of his tail and had them turned into bracelets.
We gave these to the kids "from Skipper" with a card, saying "Sorry I had to leave but I left you this present to remind you that I loved you as much as you loved me"
Maybe you could get yor girls a little pony necklace or bracelet from Tweenie?

[/ QUOTE ]

OMW, I am crying at that. That is so lovely.

I can always remember when my first dog was PTS. I was only 9 and my sister and I were at our Dads house and George was there when we left but not when we got back. When my mum told me, I burst into tears, and ran out of the house as fast as I could. My mum found me an hour later sitting at the riding school in the field with my favourite pony.
 
I'm so sorry this has happened, I think just sit her down and tell the the usual 'gone to heaven' stuff and then perhaps put some polos in her stable or favourite place. Encourage her to ask questions and answer her in the best way for her age
frown.gif
 
When we were younger we had a goat and she got ill and had to be put to sleep... we were told that because she was poorly she had to go and live in a big field with lots of other goats and people that were professionals at making goats better. We were told we could go and see her one day...

Then every time we asked Mum just said 'yeh we will go and see her one day soon.' and then move the conversation on. We were happy with that. lol. Probably an awful way to deal with it but we were non the wiser, not upset by the situation and just kind of realised the truth years later, but by then it wasn't sad any more as we'd been without her and were older.
 
Ohhh, I was ok until I read joeanne's post and now am in tears. I think anyone who has ever lost an animal can imagine how you feel, and you are in my thoughts for telling the kids, and dealing with your own grief.

I am totally unqualified to answer this, but would it help them to say goodbye, to have a small ceremony for her? Perhaps either in your back garden, at the yard or in a favourite spot where she liked to hack? They can make poems and read them for her, and you could leave some flowers/plant something in her memory?

x
 
I'm so sorry, what an awful day you must be having let alone last night. Nothing I can add as I don't have much experience of little ones but like others loved Joeanne's suggestion. When I lost pets and family when I was very young the best thing was other people talking to me about it so I could ask lots of questions to try and understand it and make some sense of it all. Thinking of you.
 
Oh this is a tough one. Everyone has to learn to deal with death at some point, and in some ways a child losing a beloeved pet, although heartbreaking for the child at the time, is as good a way to learn as any. You know your children best, and you will know how much detail to give. I would give the basics, then answer any questions as and when they come along. You might find they deal with it better than you think. Try to be calm yourself when you break the news. Hugs.
 
Im not really in a position to advise you Clare as Im not a parent but I think Id be inlcined not to go into too much detail. Explain how poorly she was and that she died quietly in her sleep whilst the vets were looking after her. Im not sure if you were with her all the time but it would be very comforting for the girls to know that you were with her at the end (even if thats not the case), that way they cannot doubt the efforts of the vets.

Joeannes post is lovely and thats a really nice thing to do for the girls if you can face it.

Id keep the gory details dumbed down too when you get the PM results back.

I know its a good thing to be honest with children, Im all for it, but childhood doesnt need every detail.


I had no idea you were going through this last night Clare, Im so sorry.
 
Oh dear, I am in tears for you and your girls, I don't know what to suggest other than after you have told them let them talk about Tweenie and have lots of photos at the ready to look at.

Huge {{hugs}}
 
God that's horrible - so sorry you're having to go through this......I agree with the ideas above - let them know and let them grieve. I wasn't allowed with my beloved 15.2 when he had to be shot (I was 11) and even though I hated the fact my parents wouldn't let me I'm so glad they didn't now.

I had a piece of his tail put into a silver clasp with his name and day he died from my dad. I treausre that to this day and STILL shed a tear for him occasionally...

Big hugs to you and your daughters xxx
 

I am so, so sorry Patches
frown.gif
How awful for you & I'm having to sniff back the tears at reading your post
frown.gif


From my own experiences here......

I lost my first pony in a road accident. Attempted theft from the field of a SJ'er, gate left open, my pony got out on to the main road.

When my mum told me what had happened I wanted to know exactly what had happened to Bonnie (I was 10/11 at the time) & was completely devastated. I do wish she'd glossed over the realities a little bit & I wish I'd had the option of having a bracelet made out of her tail hair or something.

I was absolutely heartbroken for days afterwards but although being allowed to cry & grieve my mum also thought I should not be allowed to dwell too much on things which I think is the right way to go about things.

It wasn't until a year later that I was even slightly intrested in getting another pony & my mum left me to talk to her about that.

I would say to break the news to them in an age appropriate way, don't go in to too much detail & just say that when Tweenie had the aneasthetic that she was so poorly she didn't wake up & didn't know anything about what was happening to her so went peacefully.
Give them the option of having a bracelet made of her tail hair or having a lock of her mane in a locket.

I don't know what else to say but my heart goes out to you all
frown.gif

xxx
 
Tell them.
We had Ted pts 4 weeks ago. It was totally unexpected. Saturday he was fine, Sunday he was gone. Bubs is 6 and Ted was helping her regain her confidence.
We told her and to be honest it was heartbreaking watching her. She wouldn't talk to anyone and hid in her room.
We have some of Teds mane and tail that she now has in a box and she has his headcollar and leadrope hanging on her door.
We actually had tears last night as we were looking back at photos of them together. At the moment she has given up horses. HOYS was an ordeal as everyone kept asking her if she had a pony.
I know she will get over it as long as we are open about it. We have told her that the vet could do nothing, that Ted is happy and watching her and one day when she is ready we will get her another pony but its all up to her.
HUGS TO YOU ALL

I just re-read this and it makes very little sense as talking about Ted death and Bubs reaction still makes me cry!
PM if you need too and I promise I will try and make more sense!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top