Recently lost my horse... mixed feelings.. did a new horse feel daunting?

[warmbloodcrazy]

Hi all,

Thank you in advance for reading my post and for any comments you make i really appreciate it,

A matter of weeks ago i lost my retired 23 year old best friend suddenly, 17 years of the best memories that i have have been a comfort but i have felt a bit lost. I miss him terribly but am coming to terms with the fact he had the best life and i was lucky to share so many years with him.
We still have my mums horse and he has helped me keep going and to occupy me from the big hole my horse has left. My mums horse we have had since a yearling and he is now 16 years old and since my horse retired a few years ago from ridden work i have been sharing him with my mum and doing a bit of everything with him, more recently some affiliated dressage. I so missed riding out with my mum etc but we got used to the way things were and i would take my boy out in hand sometimes and enjoyed spending time with him aside from riding even more than ever. Riding my mums horse filled the gap and probably delayed me having a need to try and get another horse to ride for myself as funds wouldn't also stretch for another.

My reason for the post is that although i don't yet feel quite ready to find a new horse, i do want one at some point but it feels daunting.. the horse i lost i had such a strong bond with he was so gentle and sweet and i know a sweet nature is top of my list for my next horse.

I can't imagine not having a horse of my own but am at the time in my life where i feel i should start a family soon etc. I always planned to do both it wasn't an issue as i had my horse and do have support as my mum has a horse too, we help each other a lot. I always had visions of my children sitting on my old boy and being around him too. I had always planned i'd get a youngster and slowly produce it myself when the time came for my next horse (in a few years i'd hoped, so it hasn't gone to plan, such is life) as we did with my mums horse as i don't have the funds to buy a ready made horse and they very much become a member of the family. Is this wise if i want to start a family in the next year or two? Am i thinking into things too much? Where theres a will theres a way?

Looking around a little, i don't know if its because my heart isn't quite in it yet but i can't seem to find anything that would tick the boxes, its been a while since i've looked for a horse! There doesn't seem to be many websites anymore..facebook recently put a ban on ads..

Has anyone been in the same position? Although i am still enjoying my mums horse it makes me feel sad, the prospect of not having one of my own. I hope one day in the not so distant future i'll be over the sad phase and look forward to finding another four legged best friend. I guess i am just wanting some feed back on life after losing your horse of a lifetime.. how did things work out for you? what path did you take? A new horse or a break..?

TIA

 

[Pmf27]

Forgive my input here if it's not what you're looking for, I've never owned a horse but I can sympathise with the grief element of what you're going through so thought I'd put my two cents in.

It sounds to me that you may be looking too soon, and not allowing yourself the time to grieve. As a result, given that you've only very recently lost your horse, no amount of horses you look at will even begin to compare - because you're still desperately missing him and that's very much to be expected.

My only relateable experience here - besides smaller animals - is with my dogs, all of whom have been integral members of our family and loved beyond measure. Whenever we lost a dog, though my parents always knew we'd want to get another at some point, we've had to give it time - A LOT of time - because it's taken us all such a long time to get over the initial loss.

I don't think the experience is really that different with any animal really, if you form a strong bond with them (as you certainly do with horses and dogs) the loss can feel overwhelming and not at all unlike the loss of a human companion.

So my advice here would be to give it a while longer and really allow yourself to move past the grief stage before you begin looking for another horse, even if you're only looking now for an idea of what you'd like to get further down the line, you'll need to be in a place where you're not comparing the future horse to the one you've just lost.

 

[Mucking out - still]

Oh WBC I feel for you and sorry for your loss. I lost my horse of a lifetime years ago now and still feel your pain, despite having a lovely boy since - I think I'll feel it just the same when the parting eventually happens with him too. Only you can decide when the time is right. If you're looking, then perhaps the seeds are there. When you start going to meet a prospective new partner, maybe you'll find you meet one that nudge those seeds to start growing. I think you just know when it's right. It's still hard though...good luck

 

[warmbloodcrazy]

Thank you Pmf27, i totally agree with you, it's definitely how i am feeling right now and i think as you say its effecting how i'm seeing things. Time is a great healer and i know it'll all feel better at some point. I always knew losing him would be hard...

 

[MiJodsR2BlinkinTite]

I am sooohhh sorry you've lost what was obviously your best pal, its never easy losing something that is precious and much-loved. I had my two oldies PTS last autumn, and so understand something of what you will be going through.

I can understand too your current situation: after I'd lost one of my horses a good few years ago now, I felt exactly the same as you re. getting another horse. Yes it IS daunting, and it feels horrible - and somehow disloyal - going to see other horses. You will find it hard to look at other horses and it will be even harder when you actually ride another horse......... it will feel strange, a bit like going on a blind date when you've lost a much-loved partner. Be prepared for the way this will make you feel, you will probably feel disloyal, and possibly guilty too, but this is all part of the grieving process and you mustn't beat yourself up too much about it.

You may find it is the right time to have a break from horses, but somehow after I'd lost mine I just didn't last out very long without a horse on the place.

The best advice I was given re. looking for another horse came from my farrier, his wisdom basically was to "look for something different". You will never be able to replace a much-loved horse that you've lost; don't try to. Leave things until you are ready, and then believe me the right horse will find you! This has been my experience, even when I'd virtually given up of finding my next soul-mate, a little horse which ticked all the boxes for what I'd said I DIDN'T want!!, came into my life and made it obvious that she had "chosen" me.

Bless you, this is such a horrible sad empty time for you, I know. Sending hugs.. Stay strong. Listen to your heart, if there's another equine heart out there which is seeking yours, you will find each other. Don't stress over it, let it happen.

 

[warmbloodcrazy]

Oh WBC I feel for you and sorry for your loss. I lost my horse of a lifetime years ago now and still feel your pain, despite having a lovely boy since - I think I'll feel it just the same when the parting eventually happens with him too. Only you can decide when the time is right. If you're looking, then perhaps the seeds are there. When you start going to meet a prospective new partner, maybe you'll find you meet one that nudge those seeds to start growing. I think you just know when it's right. It's still hard though...good luck

Thank you so much, yes that's so true, i am a great believer in fate too.

 

[Pmf27]

Thank you Pmf27, i totally agree with you, it's definitely how i am feeling right now and i think as you say its effecting how i'm seeing things. Time is a great healer and i know it'll all feel better at some point. I always knew losing him would be hard...

Absolutely, time is the best healer so you've got to be patient with yourself and trust that you'll know, unequivocally, when the time is right. I'm really sorry that you're hurting so much, I'm sure everyone here can sympathise with how it feels to lose someone you love so much, but trust that in time you'll start to heal. Sending hugs your way!

 

[dogatemysalad]

I lost my retired, beautiful mare a few weeks ago too and it's heart breaking. 3 years ago I lost my gelding and it took over 2 years before I was ready to buy another riding horse. One morning I woke up and thought, I really want another horse, mentioned it to a friend who quickly texted a client and announced that she had a horse coming for 2 weeks loan WVTB. The horse was amazing and fortunately, I was ready to move on with the new one.
It's different each time, previously I've been ready after a few weeks. When your mind says, I ought to have another horse, it's too soon. When your heart says, I'm missing the pleasure of owning and riding, it's time.

 

[Barton Bounty]

So sorry for your loss 😘 been there too , i took that opportunity after to relax and breathe , still rode a friends occasionally but had my boys instead, that way the kids were over and done with and i could start looking forward to some me time again. And by chance a horse fell into my lap literally when my second son was 6 weeks old, yes it was hard going but i wouldnt change it for the world. I think your heart needs to heal first and another horse will never ever take his place another new horse will help heal too.

 

[Littlebear]

After i lost my horse (had her 20yrs) i was ready to give up just through the grief, i was still riding a few but i didn't think i would buy again then about 6 months later one came up from someone i knew, the polar opposite of the one i lost and i went for it.
For the first few months i wasn't sure about her we went through the motions but she wasn't really my type and wasn't the same character wise as the old one, but gradually she grew on me and now many years later i cant imagine life without her, i had a baby and ended up collecting 3 horses at that time, all do-able with a bit of planning! Now i am down to 2 and one is a youngster, i felt that unless i had one from birth again it wouldn't be quite the same as the one i lost.
It does take time to heal but you will feel better in time x

 

[JulesRules]

I think that regardless of the circumstances, taking on a new horse when you have had a long relationship with another horse is always daunting. You forget how long it takes to get to know a new horse and all the little quirks that you have to work through and that's before you even consider the ridden aspect.
Maybe just keep an eye out and you'll know when the time is right.

 

[blitznbobs]

I know how you feel... my little cob who was my dressage star has arthritis in both hocks and my youngster has some form of hock issue that might not be resolvable (D day tomorrow for follow up scan). I come from another angle in that I can’t face doing another youngster and miss being able to get on a horse give it an aid and what I expect to happen, happens... I am actually considering, for the first time ever, buying a horse that has been trained by someone else... it’s tough when you’ve had a partnership and that partnership is lost, take your time don’t rush and buy when it’s exciting again. I will buy another because I feel anxious when I don’t ride and riding really helps to keep be somewhere near sane but I feel panicky about another baby... I’m obviously getting old!

 

[M1lbie]

I know exactly where you’re coming from with this, I lost my horse after 20 years, we knew each other so well, I’m at the other end of the age scale and he had been here all through my children growing up, we had done all sorts of things together and although he was 28 it was still a shock to lose him, the field was empty without him even though I still had my daughters two ponies to look after. I started hacking my daughters 14.2 as she no longer had much time and after a couple of years felt I wanted my own again. As a geriatric the prospect of finding another horse was daunting. I started looking for a similar horse to my old chap but nothing seemed to come up, eventually a friend heard of something that she thought would suit me, completely different but I really took to him. Now 4 years later I am so glad I bought him and we are having lots of fun. It takes time but the right one seems to find you.

 

[Leam_Carrie]

So sorry for your loss.

I lost my semi-retired horse earlier this year. I’d only had her 7 years so no where near as long. I didn’t want to even think about another, but had a lonely mini Shetland that needed a friend. My hubby made me go and look, then bought my new one - very different - and she’s fab. Miss my old horse, but a few months in very fond of new one.

Hope you work out what you want to do.

 

[McFluff]

So sorry for your loss. There is no right and wrong here, just tune into your feelings and do what feels right. Grief is one of those things that affects everyone differently, every time. Would also be good to have really good chats with your mum, she’ll really understand how you feel, and may be able to suggest solutions that work for you both.

I’ve just lost my amazing mare. Loved her to bits, knew her inside out, and truly gutted to lose her at only 11.
For me, I couldn’t face not riding or having horse time (I’m older than you though, so to be blunt, I felt I had less time to wait!). I knew that I may have to retire or semi retire her so had already started to look - I was still devastated to lose her though, she was such a great character to have around. I went for something very different and don’t regret it all.
Must admit that I’d forgotten what it’s like getting to know a new one - my trainer has been invaluable, reminding me that I went through this with my mare until we ‘fitted’ each other as well as we did at the end.

Wish you all the best with whatever route you choose.

 

[Michen]

Yes and I had an unseen irish import in my stable ten days later after a traumatic loss of my horse of a lifetime. I couldn't bear the empty stable but couldn't bear the idea of viewing horses so figured a project that I didn't really intend to keep, just to keep myself busy, would be the way to go.

It was tough, I resented the horse a lot. The horse was also a PITA in endless ways.

Best decision I ever made, I adore every part of him and I honestly don't think I'd have stayed in the horsey world if I hadn't got him when I didn't. But I didn't at any point in the aftermath see him as a replacement, merely a project.

They are both horses of a lifetime and I love and loved them both equally in different ways.

Good luck whatever you decide

 

[maya2008]

We lost a much loved pony in March, after 15 years of love and fun. My young son adored her and was devastated (as were we all). A couple of months later, a youngster came up for sale, from a stud we knew and liked. Same breed. We went to see her, and they instantly liked each other. So she came home a week or so later. My old mare who'd been the old pony's best friend, perked up almost straight away, started eating again and cheered right up. Three months later, that new pony hacks out at the back with my son, like her predecessor did. From a distance, they look similar, and it brings back wonderful memories.

It is only now that he's beginning to let himself love her though. She has adored him from the start, and has been very patient, but it takes time to let yourself love another, without worrying you are betraying your old friend's memory.

 

[Thea]

I completely understand how you’re feeling. I lost my first horse, who I had for 6 years after moving up from ponies, 7 years ago very suddenly. Sadly he turned very dangerous to be around virtually over night and there was nothing anyone could do for him, we tried desperately to find the cause but had to make the decision to put him down for his and our own safety.

I went out that week and bought another horse to fill his stable, that horse turned out to be a year younger than thought so was turned away and I bought another horse in the same month. I ended up loosing one and gaining two extra on top of my other horse and pony I still had...I should never have just gone out and impulse bought as neither were suitable for me at that time. One too young and one too small really but I thought at the time it would fill the void my horse had left.

I struggled along with them for years when really I should have taken a break from horses and just kept the pony and other horse and rode as and when I wanted rather than having two projects to bring on. I felt that horses were all I knew and forced myself to carry on when I should have stepped back and assessed what I actually wanted rather than grief buying.

Fast forward to now and I’m so glad I got the one that was realistically too small, she grew a hand and filled out enough for me to not look too top heavy on her and she is my horse of a lifetime, she does everything with a smile and I could never be without her. I’ve had a few wobbles along the way when life has been a bit tough/stressful and I’ve thought about giving up horses but ultimately i’ll never sell her, I might eventually get a sharer or loan her out but that would be a massive step for me as I adore every hair on her body and can’t bear the thought of anything happening to her. I sold all my other horses and loaned my old pony out so she’s all I have horse wise atm.

I very much believe what’s meant to be will be and if you haven’t found one that’s made you want to view then it’s not meant to be right now. I’d give it time and see what happens, the right one will find you.

 

[FNC]

WBC I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. I , too lost my horse recently- she was 25 and I’d had her for nearly 20 years so I do know how you’re feeling. As others have said I think you will know if/when the time is right for you to get another and each of us deal with things differently. I don’t feel ready for another - I’m not as young as I was (😉)and I’m not sure I will get another at all, certainly not yet.

However when I lost my dog a few years ago I couldn’t bear to not have a dog in the house and got another fairly quickly - no reflection on my first dog and I still miss him terribly but getting another felt right, whereas with the horses it doesn’t.

You will know - take care and look after yourself

 

[Annagain]

I'm so sorry about your horse. Only you will know when the time is right to get another. I'm doing it the other way round and looking for another before I lose my oldie. I have one 23yr old and share another but am slowly losing the share horse to his owner's 12yr old son and my boy is pretty much retired, just hacking once or twice a week in walk so I'm looking for another now. It's bloody hard! What I really want is them to be sound / available/ 10 years younger and not to have to find another. Add to that I've barely ridden any horses but them for 15 years so riding new ones is really daunting. Even in the best circumstances, looking for a horse is pants. Doing it while you're grieving for a much loved horse you've lost must be so much more difficult. Let yourself grieve, there's no rush at all.

 

[Sussexbythesea]

Sorry for the loss of your horse. As others have said when it feels right it will be right. Don’t force it although it’s hard because owning a horse is a whole way of life which you also lose as well as the horse itself which makes it especially difficult.

Not much help to you now but that’s partly why I’ve stretched myself to a second horse as my old boy whom I’ve had over 14yrs is 24 now and I dread losing him. I’ve been able to form a bond with the new horse without the grief of losing my old guy or constantly comparing him and hopefully he’ll see me through that loss, although you never know with horses what could happen next!

 

[Barton Bounty]

I know this really is no comparison but, my dad passed away two years ago in February, my horse was the only thing that kept me from losing it, i think he saved me tbh there were times when id just go out hacking and cry constantly. I know its not the same but maybe a new horse will help heal you as well , its so hard :/

 

[warmbloodcrazy]

Thank you so much everyone for all you kind comments, it really is a comfort when you know there's other people who understand how you're feeling, i think you are all so right and i just need to give myself time and as they always have, the right horse will come into my life when the time is right and everything will slot into place. I think i think too much into starting a new bond with a new horse etc, when really that's all part of the journey that i need to look forward to.. it all just feels a bit much right now and i know some non horsey people around me think i should give up and concentrate on starting a family but horses have always kept me sane and been my escape when life is rough and i don't want to be without that.. where there's a will there's always a way for everything.

Thank you again everyone Xx

 

[Fransurrey]

It is daunting, no doubt about it. All my horses have found me in one way or another, so going out to look was an education. I bought my cob before having the old boy pts and I can't pretend I didn't feel crappy about it, but otherwise my mare would have been alone in the field and sometimes out of view of other horses on the yard. Then I felt guilty for enjoying riding him, even despite the baby issues. About a month after my boy was pts, I did wonder if he was the right horse for me, but he's so loving and a character and that's good enough for the moment! Couldn't imagine life without him, now, 6 months in.