Recurring Bad Dream

[Stiff Knees]

Some of you will know that in mid May we had our beloved elderly Labrador, Spot, put to sleep. It was the right decision, made at the right time although it took some time for me to be comfortable with that. Ever since, every single night I have had a dream where Spot is still alive and I have made the decision to put her to sleep even though she appears, in the dream, to be in perfect health. Sometimes she is leaping around as though trying to prove to me that she is fit and well, and should not be put to sleep. For the last few night our Labrador, Jake, has also appeared in the dream and I am breaking the news to family members that we have also had him put to sleep, for no apparent reason. Their dismay at my decision is obvious and at that point I realise that I have made the wrong decision. Most nights I wake up crying, or at the very least very upset, occasionally my OH has woken me as I am distressed. Why is this happening, and how do I stop this cycle? Last nights dream was even more disturbing as I had Jake put to sleep and I didn't even seem to care. Some days I carry this upset feeling with me through the day, other days I can shrug it off. Oddly, if I've had a good day the dream seems more upsetting. I hasten to add that my dogs are my pride and joy, they are my world, why on earth would I feel like that in a dream when it is so far removed from the way I would feel in the real life situation? If you have read to the end thank you for taking the time. 😞

 

[Sandstone1]

Im sorry for your loss. I can only think that what you are going through is part of the grieving process.

 

[On the Hoof]

I don't know the story of Spot and Im not going to try and second guess what is going on now, but wanted to at least send you a hug. I can only imagine how distressing these dreams are for you. Sorry that you lost your lovely dog. x

 

[planete]

It sounds a bit like PTSD? You may need help to be able to break free of the trauma having Spot put to sleep seems to have caused. The Blue Cross have a Pet Bereavement Service you might want to talk to. I hope you can get help to get over this. Hugs.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Your brain is trying to help you to come to terms with your decision. Intellectually you know that you made the right decision, emotionally, you are not sure - you would have liked to keep her forever.

Do you look at photos of Spot and talk about her frequently? That might help you to process what happened.
FWIW, you did well to get her to 15, I have only managed to celebrate one Lab's 15th birthday and I've had multiple Labs all my life. One vet told me that if you got a Lab to 10 you were doing well. Most of ours have been 12 - 14

 

[Stiff Knees]

Your brain is trying to help you to come to terms with your decision. Intellectually you know that you made the right decision, emotionally, you are not sure - you would have liked to keep her forever.

Do you look at photos of Spot and talk about her frequently? That might help you to process what happened.
FWIW, you did well to get her to 15, I have only managed to celebrate one Lab's 15th birthday and I've had multiple Labs all my life. One vet told me that if you got a Lab to 10 you were doing well. Most of ours have been 12 - 14

Thanks Pearlsasinger. Spot would have been celebrating her 17th Birthday on 28th July, I know she had a good innings but I miss her so badly. I look at pictures of her every day and we talk about her every day, often laughing, more often crying. I had started to feel as though I was coming to terms with things but these dreams are so upsetting, I dread going to bed because I know I'll have the dream again and it seems to last for so long that I'm exhausted when I wake up. 😢

 

[Stiff Knees]

I don't know the story of Spot and Im not going to try and second guess what is going on now, but wanted to at least send you a hug. I can only imagine how distressing these dreams are for you. Sorry that you lost your lovely dog. x

Thank you, On the hoof. Spot was very special 🐾😍

 

[CorvusCorax]

I know it's upsetting, but it's just your brain/subconscious being twattish.
I have these sorts of dreams about people who have passed.
I don't sleep well now and wake up feeling like I've done ten rounds with Mike Tyson.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Thanks Pearlsasinger. Spot would have been celebrating her 17th Birthday on 28th July, I know she had a good innings but I miss her so badly. I look at pictures of her every day and we talk about her every day, often laughing, more often crying. I had started to feel as though I was coming to terms with things but these dreams are so upsetting, I dread going to bed because I know I'll have the dream again and it seems to last for so long that I'm exhausted when I wake up. 😢

It might be worth talking to your GP about your disturbed sleep and exhaustion. They certainly leave a big hole, when we lose them, don't they?

 

[Stiff Knees]

It sounds a bit like PTSD? You may need help to be able to break free of the trauma having Spot put to sleep seems to have caused. The Blue Cross have a Pet Bereavement Service you might want to talk to. I hope you can get help to get over this. Hugs.

It is not easy for me to talk about this because I just go to pieces, they'd be listening to a blubbering wreck But I think you are right, I'm not dealing with this in the right way so need to get help from somewhere. My Mum, who has Alzheimer's said to me that Spot would not want me to be this upset and she is right, Spot was a tear licker, whenever I cried she would lick away my tears 😍🐾

 

[Stiff Knees]

I know it's upsetting, but it's just your brain/subconscious being twattish.
I have these sorts of dreams about people who have passed.
I don't sleep well now and wake up feeling like I've done ten rounds with Mike Tyson.

You are right, I just need my brain to stop being a twat 😢.

 

[CorvusCorax]

I wish I could remove mine and put it in a jar on the shelf sometimes

 

[Stiff Knees]

It might be worth talking to your GP about your disturbed sleep and exhaustion. They certainly leave a big hole, when we lose them, don't they?

Oh my god, they do. Spot was such a big character and demanded so much of my time and attention that I feel empty without her. Since May my Mums Alzheimer's has become much worse but I think I'm dealing with that better than losing Spot.

 

[Stiff Knees]

I wish I could remove mine and put it in a jar on the shelf sometimes

I know what you mean, it would be nice to get away from yourself sometimes. I find myself incredibly annoying.

 

[Stiff Knees]

Im sorry for your loss.

Thank you Sandstone1.

 

[{97702}]

It must be absolutely awful for you to have to go through this, I really feel for you ☹️

I hesitate to mention this because it isn’t something I can ‘understand’ in a logical way which is my usual style, but here goes.... a year or so ago I found I was dreaming about death every night. It was always very violent death - war, major disasters, that kind of thing - and it was graphic. It didn’t involve me or anyone I knew, I was simply observing, but I ended up waking myself up every night because I didn’t want to experience it.

I was willing to try anything to stop it so at a friends suggestion I went for a couple of reiki sessions - whether it was because of those sessions or whether it was a complete coincidence I cannot say but the dreams stopped immediately.

I still remember very vividly during the first session having an amazing mental image of Islay, my old greyhound who I had lost the previous year. Of course I knew I missed her and ached to see her again but after a year I didn’t necessarily think about her consciously every day. Completely out of the blue I saw her in my mind - she was in a warm, sunny field with my other dogs, she was relaxed, happy and healthy and she was enjoying herself. She looked absolutely content. I had tears pouring down my face throughout the whole session, but it was such a release to ‘see’ her in that way I cannot begin to describe how happy I was.

I can’t explain it at all, I’m the worlds biggest cynic who requires evidence and logic to support ideas, so this was and still is unlike anything I’d ever experienced! I can’t say it would work for you, everyone is very different I know, but it really helped me so I wanted to share in case it could help you too

 

[YorksG]

Is it possible that the grief at the loss of Spot has got mixed up with the grief about your mums illness? Minds do odd things!

 

[Stiff Knees]

It must be absolutely awful for you to have to go through this, I really feel for you ☹️

I hesitate to mention this because it isn’t something I can ‘understand’ in a logical way which is my usual style, but here goes.... a year or so ago I found I was dreaming about death every night. It was always very violent death - war, major disasters, that kind of thing - and it was graphic. It didn’t involve me or anyone I knew, I was simply observing, but I ended up waking myself up every night because I didn’t want to experience it.

I was willing to try anything to stop it so at a friends suggestion I went for a couple of reiki sessions - whether it was because of those sessions or whether it was a complete coincidence I cannot say but the dreams stopped immediately.

I still remember very vividly during the first session having an amazing mental image of Islay, my old greyhound who I had lost the previous year. Of course I knew I missed her and ached to see her again but after a year I didn’t necessarily think about her consciously every day. Completely out of the blue I saw her in my mind - she was in a warm, sunny field with my other dogs, she was relaxed, happy and healthy and she was enjoying herself. She looked absolutely content. I had tears pouring down my face throughout the whole session, but it was such a release to ‘see’ her in that way I cannot begin to describe how happy I was.

I can’t explain it at all, I’m the worlds biggest cynic who requires evidence and logic to support ideas, so this was and still is unlike anything I’d ever experienced! I can’t say it would work for you, everyone is very different I know, but it really helped me so I wanted to share in case it could help you too

Thanks Lev, I'll look into this, I'm prepared to try anything. Even though I was holding her until the very end and it was very peaceful it did traumatise me I now realise.

 

[Stiff Knees]

Is it possible that the grief at the loss of Spot has got mixed up with the grief about your mums illness? Minds do odd things!

I hadn't even considered that, they're two very different emotions for me. I have quite an active role in Mum's care now, that has not always been the case as Dad was "managing" but circumstances have changed and he has allowed me to take over showering etc. I'm always very happy in her company, we laugh until we cry, at daft things, because at this stage of the decline we have nothing else but humour. That's a front though, I realise that because what is happening to her is tragic and so very sad. The dreams are very dog focussed though. Mum still has Alzheimer's in the dreams, so I suppose that could be relevant. Last nights dream didn't feature Jake, only Spot 😢🐾

 

[fankino04]

I'm sorry I've got nothing useful to add just wanted to send a virtual hug, these dreams sound terrible and with the added pressure of caring for your mum you must be exhausted. I hope you can get some help / peace soon either from the blue Cross bereavement people or something a bit more alternative like reiki x

 

[Stiff Knees]

I'm sorry I've got nothing useful to add just wanted to send a virtual hug, these dreams sound terrible and with the added pressure of caring for your mum you must be exhausted. I hope you can get some help / peace soon either from the blue Cross bereavement people or something a bit more alternative like reiki x

Thank you, I will gladly accept the virtual hug.

 

[palo1]

I know it's upsetting, but it's just your brain/subconscious being twattish.
I have these sorts of dreams about people who have passed.
I don't sleep well now and wake up feeling like I've done ten rounds with Mike Tyson.

This is, sadly and very frustratingly, a normal response to grief for some people and one I have lived with for many,many years following a rather traumatic bereavement. I have learnt a great deal (though not enough) about how it happens but not the why it happens for some people and not others. I think it might help to accept that processing a very significant event can be a very long process and I expect for some people it may be the price of losing someone or something that is tremendously important. It annoys me intensely (as well as the sometimes appalling grief) when I lose an animal that I am likely to experience this response However, understanding that it is just a processing thing and there is little else to it can help. I also do my damnedest to have a really good sleep routine and mitigate stress where possible. If you are looking after your mum too, although you may not know it, your brain (bloody marvellous and bloody annoying too) will be processing like mad, like it or not! I have found some things helpful some times and other times I have just had to accept that there are nights filled with very sad and sometimes disturbing dreams. I see it partly as evidence of love and loss which are so much a part of a life well lived. I can mostly accept the sadness and dreams when I balance them out with the happiness and memories of those that have passed. It will get better too.

 

[Stiff Knees]

This is, sadly and very frustratingly, a normal response to grief for some people and one I have lived with for many,many years following a rather traumatic bereavement. I have learnt a great deal (though not enough) about how it happens but not the why it happens for some people and not others. I think it might help to accept that processing a very significant event can be a very long process and I expect for some people it may be the price of losing someone or something that is tremendously important. It annoys me intensely (as well as the sometimes appalling grief) when I lose an animal that I am likely to experience this response However, understanding that it is just a processing thing and there is little else to it can help. I also do my damnedest to have a really good sleep routine and mitigate stress where possible. If you are looking after your mum too, although you may not know it, your brain (bloody marvellous and bloody annoying too) will be processing like mad, like it or not! I have found some things helpful some times and other times I have just had to accept that there are nights filled with very sad and sometimes disturbing dreams. I see it partly as evidence of love and loss which are so much a part of a life well lived. I can mostly accept the sadness and dreams when I balance them out with the happiness and memories of those that have passed. It will get better too.

Thank you Palo. I have just spoken to the vet who looked after Spot for us and we have had a little weep together. We both feel that we react more strongly to the loss of an animal friend than any human relation or friend we have lost. She too has told me that there is not a stage in the grieving process that can be skipped, and sometimes we go through the same stage many times before moving on. I am going to try to apply your logic and accept these dreams and balance them with the many, many happy memories Spot left me with. 🐾😍

 

[Stiff Knees]

We have had a lovely day today, up at the farm (Spot's favourite place) with our two Labradors, Jake and Peril, plus Jake's sister, Molly. We have had a good walk, a picnic, the dogs had one too, they played in the river and we talked about the right time to scatter her ashes there, we're not ready for that yet, but the time will come and we will feel her presence every time we go there. 🐾

 

[Cinnamontoast]

I wish I could remove mine and put it in a jar on the shelf sometimes

We need Pensieves like Dumbledore.

I still cry over Jake and that’s 9 years ago. It was horribly traumatic, I remember posting on here about crying myself to sleep. I think because he was our first dog as a couple. Oddly, losing his brother Brig was less traumatic, maybe because we knew it was coming and he reached a good age. Time helps, but I think some counselling may help, SK.

 

[SadKen]

I think you're feeling guilty - not that you have any reason to at all, as you know, but there is always a part of us which feels like that because we made the decision. If we don't acknowledge it when we're awake, our subconscious will flag it when we are asleep. The intensity of the dream increases if we ignore our feelings.

Our 10YO GSD was PTS last November; he had bloat, we had no choice, but I still felt guilty about it because his death was at my instruction. I am absolutely concrete that I did the right thing, but I didn't deal with the whole situation very well. I have had counselling and very much recommend it; I doubt I will ever not miss the old boy, but I have learned to cope (to an extent, I have turned into an anxious wreck with the two I have now!).

I had a wonderful dream a couple of months back of him playing with the dog we lost in 2010; I think that was a bit of closure for me, and maybe him popping back to let me know he was OK.

Don't feel bad about seeking professional help. You have lost a member of your family; this is serious stuff. It would be weird if you weren't out of kilter.

 

[ElectricChampagne]

Its ok to feel the way you do and its absolutely OK times 100 to miss Spot. I still miss my furry and hooved friends that have passed, even decades ago.

I know it sounds whacky but try to embrace the dreams and let them play out. Its just your mind sorting through everything and healing you. Its a good thing no matter how horrible they are.
They won't last forever, and they will fade each time as time passes. Unlike your happy memories of Spot, they will live on with you forever.

This too shall pass. Be brave and here is another virtual hug. You did the right thing and in your heart of hearts you do know it, you just need time to come round and then it will still hurt yes, but it will pass.

and another hug. So sorry for your loss, Spot sounded like she was a real sweetheart and she is watching over you and misses you just as much, but I bet she is happy she is pain free.

 

[Peter7917]

I had this a good few months after my dog was PTS. Not quite the same, just dreaming that she was still alive and having to wake with the pain of knowing she wasn't.

I don't know what your lifestyle is like but I would recommend cutting out any caffeine and also trying to get some quality exercise where you sweat. I found it helped.

 

[MyBoyChe]

I would think its grief, pure and simple To have a dog on your life for 17 years is amazing, its longer than lots of marriages!! You are bound to be distraught and we all deal with grief differently and it affects us all differently. I have cried far more over my animals over the years than I ever have over any single person, and that includes the deaths of my parents! Does that make me an awful person, Im not sure but nevertheless, its the truth. I would think that although immensely upsetting for you, they are your way of dealing with it all and in time the dreams will get less frequent and less distressing. It may be worth speaking to your Dr or a grief counsellor for a little bit of help with coming to terms with it though, not to stop it as such but for some reassurance

 

[Stiff Knees]

Thank you everyone for your kind words, this is grief and guilt all rolled into one really bad dream. The most distressing thing I think is that I know Spot would have literally walked around on stumps in order to stay with us and then I took that decision away from her. Also, although the final act was peaceful and calm it was not how I had envisaged because events overtook us. I feel as though I have robbed Spot and me of those final hours and she deserved better. I failed her at the last step. If you ever find yourself in my position please do all you can to ensure that the final act is conducted in the way you had planned, the guilt of getting it not quite right is crippling.