Relationship woes....opinions please..

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eatonbraynat

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I have been split up from my partner of five years for about 18 months now. I have been seeing someone else for quite a while, great guy so good for me, lovely kind, would do anything for me but i just feel like there is no spark. I am trying my hardest to see something between us but my ex and i still speak daily, he calls me, for other reasons (we are currently closing down a business we had together) and i dont know if this is clouding my judgment. Or am i flogging a dead horse, this guy does have weight issues which means that although i am not shallow by any means, but i just dont have a physical attraction to him but other wise he is fantastic. I tell this guy on a regular basis that i dont want him then go back a week later.

I know this sounds like i am a brat but i really just think my head is all over the place and am not sure what to do, i kinda feel like i am not over my old life yet but am trying to make a new one.

Any one have any advice or been through similar. :)
 
Going through similar things at the moment. I left my ex last march, then we were on and off, partly because he simply wouldn't call it a day. In the end I have gone to oz to get my head straight, leaving my horses with the ex! Ok maybe that wasn't such a good idea, but it was the best option at the time. I haad a thing going with someone else at the time, which didn't work for many reasons, partly as he didn't think I was over the ex, who for many reasons I could never go back to. Its not easy.
The spark has to be there though, no matter how much you like someone, there has to be passion.
 
ex's are ex's for a reason in my opinion, sounds like you need to be on your own for a bit without either of them, I would finish with your current relationship and let him go and find someone that likes him just the way he is.
 
Thank you both of you, it does break this guys heart when i keep going and coming back sometimes i think i come back out of guilt as i dont want him to feel bad. Maybe he isnt for me and someone would appreciate him the way he is.
 
It sounds like you went with him on the rebound... You need a break from both of them. Can you get away on your own somewhere and get your head together? It isn't fair to lead a guy on that you don't really like, you will just end up hurting him even more. The right guy is out there for you but you won't meet him if you are with someone else. It sounds like you need some single time!
 
Listen to someone old and experienced missus. Get clear of both of them. The bloke you're sort of "with" - if he doesn't look at you and it goes straight to your legs now, it never will. So that's no basis to build a long term relationship on.
You don't need to have a man in your life, you don't need to go from one to the other, take some time being single and get your head sorted. It isn't fair on you or them to do anything else.
 
Tinypony said:
Listen to someone old and experienced missus. Get clear of both of them. The bloke you're sort of "with" - if he doesn't look at you and it goes straight to your legs now, it never will. So that's no basis to build a long term relationship on.
You don't need to have a man in your life, you don't need to go from one to the other, take some time being single and get your head sorted. It isn't fair on you or them to do anything else.
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^5 To this! Excellent advice :)
 
Miss Bean said:
ex's are ex's for a reason in my opinion, sounds like you need to be on your own for a bit without either of them, I would finish with your current relationship and let him go and find someone that likes him just the way he is.
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^^^^ This! Why is your ex your ex??

I split with my ex nearly 2 years ago, met someone soon after, he wasn't right but was lovely treated me amazingly but eventually he irritated me so much it pushed me straight back to my ex, who again treated me appaulingly, so I was on my own for a year. I now have a fantastic boyfriend who is everything I could ever want but I did need that time on my own before.
 
Tinypony said:
Listen to someone old and experienced missus. Get clear of both of them. The bloke you're sort of "with" - if he doesn't look at you and it goes straight to your legs now, it never will. So that's no basis to build a long term relationship on.
You don't need to have a man in your life, you don't need to go from one to the other, take some time being single and get your head sorted. It isn't fair on you or them to do anything else.
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Couldnt have put it better myself - very wise words - heed them!!! :)
 
As others have said - your ex is an ex for a reason. I've known many people try and make things work with their ex but it never seems to go well. Yes you could be the exception that proves the rule, but to be honest I would wind down the business and stop all contact if you can. It's always difficult to walk away and it's only natural that you will have doubts as you cared about him a great deal, but that is a natural part of mourning a relationship, not a reason to get back together.

As for the new guy - take it from someone that spent eight years of her life with a really nice funny guy that was perfect on paper but I just didn't have a spark with - get out now! My ex was such a lovely guy and we got on so well, but at the end of the day there wasn't enough of a spark and I realised that I wasn't prepared to spend the rest of my life compromising and that I was never going to make either of us happy by trying to make it something it wasn't. Of course it was difficult and I had my doubts at the time, but now I have an amazing OH who I get on even better with and who I fancy like mad :) I wish for my ex's sake that I didn't let it go on for as long as I did as I know how much I hurt him and I'm not proud of that. He is a good person and I hope he can move on and find the right women for him.

Life is too short to waste with the wrong person. Take a deep breath and move forwards with your life. In a few years time you'll look back at the memories of them and smile to yourself because you will have had the time and space to move on, and chances are you will have met and fallen in love with someone else.

Good luck x
 
Loving someone but not being in love is no basis for a romantic relationship. While things run much deeper than sex, physical attraction is required: how could anyone have a future with someone who doesn't stir any lust within them? Lust and love together are the perfect combo. Better an empty house than having the wrong tenant and all that.

Best of luck OP: must be hard having so much contact with your ex. Hurting the feelings of nice people isn't easy either, but it's less painful to pull the band aid off once and for all, rather than keep sticking it back on and pulling it of again.
 
Miss Bean said:
ex's are ex's for a reason in my opinion, sounds like you need to be on your own for a bit without either of them, I would finish with your current relationship and let him go and find someone that likes him just the way he is.
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Agree with this but also try to imagine how you would feel if someone kept picking you up and putting you down, it must be heartbreaking for him, finish with him properly for the best for him if you care for him as a person. Try not to panic at being alone, hard and lonely as it feels it will get better if you stick with it.
Look after yourself xxx
 
As others have said, an ex is an ex for a reason and I think it should be left as that. You need to stop messing the other guy around, it's not fair on him. Left him find someone who likes him as much as he likes them. It sounds to me as if you're going back because of a fear of not having 'someone'. Believe me, you don't NEED a bloke. Get used to being single, it's actually quite nice. I have been single for essentially ever, mainly because I haven't met anyone I have had strong feelings for. I trust my instincts as far as guys go - if there's no spark then I know it won't happen.
I have dated some really nice guys, the type that would go out of their way to do anything for me (although i find that rather suffocating if I'm honest). However, if they don't do it for me then i just walk away - I think it's better than keeping them hanging on.
 
Dump both of them immediately and concentrate on your horse and sorting out your business. Keep well away from relationshipos for at least 2 years - you might well enjoy yourself without a partner. Being single is brilliant!
 
I just want to say a big thank you to all who replied, i admit i was nervous and thought i would get told off by you all!!! But you have given such wonderful advice. Thanks for the support it means so much to me that you all took the time to reply.
This is a really tough part of my life, thanks again. x
 
I hope you get settled and happy soon my opinion for what it's worth is harden your heart with your ex and move on .
With the new man be strong and you will have to have one of those horrible let's be friends conversations with him and them stand by it if he's as nice a man as you say the women for him is out there and you should both move on.
On the bright side you have had a rebound relationship with a nice kind man set reset and get out there into your future good luck
 
Also very interesting/helpful reading for me, Im going through exactly the same as the OP and have just realised Iv wasted 17 years trying to make a relationship without a spark work :(
 
eatonbraynat said:
although i am not shallow by any means, but i just dont have a physical attraction to him but other wise he is fantastic. /QUOTE]

I had this with my Ex- he was nice guy and seemed to be very trust worthy and didnt seem the sort to mess about and sent some lovely texts.

Unfortunately he perfectly fit the stereo type of "nice but dull"

He was also shorter than me (and i am short so not like i am tall which would make it less noticeable)

Unfortunately i couldnt see past this along with other traits- but perhaps the fact i couldnt suggests he wasnt right for me?

I also found i couldnt have that good a conversation and being quite intelligent i like to be able to have a decent coversation.
I didnt chuck him just based on this (the shortness!!) but it was certainly a contributing factor. I just felt there was a lack of Chemistry. I am still mates on fb with him but just didnt want to be anything more.

However if it is just the weight that you dont like then it is something thats reversible. Is there anyway you could encourage him to lose weight?
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eatonbraynat said:
I just want to say a big thank you to all who replied, i admit i was nervous and thought i would get told off by you all!!! But you have given such wonderful advice. Thanks for the support it means so much to me that you all took the time to reply.
This is a really tough part of my life, thanks again. x
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As you can tell there are a fair few of us who have been through some level of heartache like this and know how horrid it is! Try to do something nice for yourself regularly x
 
Ah, good luck with it all.
I did a spell of "hunting" in a pair with a friend for while many moons ago. We stopped doing it because she kept wanting to double date with blokes and I wouldn't if I didn't get a bit of a pwoar feeling about "my" one. She said I was shallow. I said I was realistic. If I didn't look at them at him when we first met and start having improper thoughts, I really couldn't see the point. :-))
Be single for a while, it's fun and you only have to suit yourself.
 
Miss Bean said:
sounds like you need to be on your own for a bit without either of them, I would finish with your current relationship and let him go and find someone that likes him just the way he is.
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This...

Tinypony said:
You don't need to have a man in your life, you don't need to go from one to the other, take some time being single and get your head sorted. It isn't fair on you or them to do anything else.
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...and this... :)

From another oldie who kissed a few frogs in her time; the best thing I ever did was be single and thoroughly independent for a few years... I also set the bar of my expectations *much* higher... Tripped over Mr Dragon when I was perfectly happy in my own skin and the poor chap worked his backside off to prove he would be an enhancement to my pretty comfortable, single life...

IMO, the right one will come along when you don't actually need a fella... :)
 
Yes to what LadyDragon said. I met my lovely OH when I was happy being single. All the guys I have met and dated during times when I felt I "needed" a man have been rubbish.

Currently thinking about relationships because my flatmate and his girlfriend are one of these couples who seem to be locked in an endless cycle of have a massive screaming fight, break up, stay broken up for a few weeks, then get back together. Rinse, repeat. It wouldn't be so horrible for me if they didn't have their massive screaming rows in the flat and didn't drag me into the middle of it in order to break up the fight. :/ Now they seem to be in a "back together" phase. For the next five minutes anyway.

Word of advice: don't be that couple. If it didn't work the last ten times you got back together after a huge bust-up, that's pretty compelling evidence it's not going to work this time, either.
 
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I have just read this post and im so upset with some of these posts that I just had to join and comment.

My wife and I of 15 years have regulary had periods where by the "spark" is missing. But you have to work hard at relationships to get that spark and keep it.

My honest opinion is that if you are still hanging on to your old life then its not fair to the new guy.

You sound like you havnt even given him a chance?

So what he has weight issues! That can change and I have no doubt that he would do something about it if he had the support of someone who cared.

Its very rare in life you will find someone who would do anything for you to make you happy and I would suggest you work on finding that spark instead of trying to find someone that has it straight away. Try simple things like "dates", try new things, dont give up because your feeling bad. Try harder. Im not suggesting you spend the next 20 years working on it, but give it 6 months. And i mean give it everything. If you dont give everything you wont ever find happiness.
 
Its been interesting reading these given I've bolted to the other side of the world to sort my life out. I have developed a VERY long list of boxes someone must tick in order to share my personal space in the future. Not saying I won't date, but if its serious, boy they are going to have to be special. And so they should be. working at a relationship is for later, not the first few years.
 
JazzyMan1 said:
My wife and I of 15 years have regulary had periods where by the "spark" is missing. But you have to work hard at relationships to get that spark and keep it.
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This bit I totally agree with... The rest, perhaps less...

The OP dived into the new relationship very quickly so quite possibly a rebound which isn't really a fair basis... Yes, of course the 'spark' goes through up and down phases but you can't magic it out of no where if it's not there to begin with...

Plus, if the new fella is happy to keep taking the OP back week after week after week when she ends the relationship I'd have to wonder if he also has his own baggage or he'd have told her to take a running jump before now and not let himself get messed around (no offence to the OP :) )... If chap #2 is happy with his weight or wants to lose some - that's up to him...

I do think people have to be totally happy with who they are as an individual before two people can make a beneficial difference to each other in a relationship - even on the days I really don't like Mr Dragon I still love him and know my life is better for him being in it... And life is too short to waste yours or another person's time in a relationship either/neither are ready for or suited to...

:)
 
Hi JazzyMan1. Speaking for myself, what I mean is that you need some sort of "spark" when you first meet someone to make it worth even going on a date. Fair enough, when you've been together for a while you do have times when you need to work on things a bit. In the early days though there should be some excitement or I think you've got no hope. Op said in he first post that she has no physical attraction for man 2 whatsoever, that's not a great foundation to build on is it? When you're married you work on relationships, when you're single there is no need to rush to get tied down and work at it.

JazzyMan1 said:
I have just read this post and im so upset with some of these posts that I just had to join and comment.

My wife and I of 15 years have regulary had periods where by the "spark" is missing. But you have to work hard at relationships to get that spark and keep it.

My honest opinion is that if you are still hanging on to your old life then its not fair to the new guy.

You sound like you havnt even given him a chance?

So what he has weight issues! That can change and I have no doubt that he would do something about it if he had the support of someone who cared.

Its very rare in life you will find someone who would do anything for you to make you happy and I would suggest you work on finding that spark instead of trying to find someone that has it straight away. Try simple things like "dates", try new things, dont give up because your feeling bad. Try harder. Im not suggesting you spend the next 20 years working on it, but give it 6 months. And i mean give it everything. If you dont give everything you wont ever find happiness.
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I got the feeling that she thinks that guy#2 is perfect for her but she doesnt feel the spark. Im just saying if you are still hanging on to the old life then how can you fully commit to a new relationship?

A relationship takes a lot of work and even more to make it a good relationship. If more people just worked at it instead of running then alot more people would be happier.

My opinion is get rid of the old life as its been dragging on too long. Commit to the new guy, tell him your concerns and work on it. You said he would do anything for you, ask him to lose weight, ask him to work on it. Dont give up until you have tried.

Sparks come and go throughout, faithfull and committed partners are hard to find in the first place.
 
Thinking about it there are a few simple questions to ask to decide if you should continue and fight for it....

1. Have you ever felt the spark
2. Have you ever said "I love you" and meant it
3. Have you ever planned a future? Ie living together, holidays etc
4. If you were upset about something would you call him?

If you answer yes to any of these questions then I think you should give it a proper go. If you answer no to them all then fine move on.

Maybe the OP could let us know the answers?

Just my opinion but im happily married and fight for it every day.:D













JazzyMan1 said:
I got the feeling that she thinks that guy#2 is perfect for her but she doesnt feel the spark. Im just saying if you are still hanging on to the old life then how can you fully commit to a new relationship?

A relationship takes a lot of work and even more to make it a good relationship. If more people just worked at it instead of running then alot more people would be happier.

My opinion is get rid of the old life as its been dragging on too long. Commit to the new guy, tell him your concerns and work on it. You said he would do anything for you, ask him to lose weight, ask him to work on it. Dont give up until you have tried.

Sparks come and go throughout, faithfull and committed partners are hard to find in the first place.
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