Relationship woes....opinions please..

JazzyMan1 said:
My wife and I of 15 years have regulary had periods where by the "spark" is missing. But you have to work hard at relationships to get that spark and keep it.
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Maybe, but I bet the "spark" was there when you got together and was part of what you've built your relationship on?

By "spark" we mean romantic and physical attraction I think. If that's not there and never has been you can't make it happen imo.

JazzyMan1 said:
You said he would do anything for you, ask him to lose weight, ask him to work on it.
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I can't tell you how much I disagree with this. As someone who's done a lot of work around weight/eating disorders and other compulsive behaviour, I can safely say the person HAS to want to do it for themselves. To ask for this is putting very unfair strain on a person and the relationship.

It sounds like this would be a very unequal relationship: one side full of love, he'd "do anything" for her, the other side trying to find the spark and not that bothered. :( Add to this asking him to lose weight "for her" and the imbalance would be off the scale.

If I loved someone and he said, "I'll consider you if you lose weight", I hope I'd have the self-respect to say goodbye.
 
I understand that they must want to lose weight for themselves but wanting to be with someone can be a very powerful motivator.
If my wife came to me and said "you have a problem", because I love her I would listen and do something about it. Call it a wake-up call if you like?

With regards to this spark, i agree that you must have some form of attraction between the two people but she must have had this to go out with him in the first place. She states she has been seeing him for a while. You dont do this if you are not attracted to them.

Add this to the fact that she says she keeps going back to him every week then there must be something there?

You see all the time about people breaking up as they have lost this spark but my argument is simply find it again.
 
JazzyMan1 said:
With regards to this spark, i agree that you must have some form of attraction between the two people but she must have had this to go out with him in the first place. She states she has been seeing him for a while. You dont do this if you are not attracted to them.
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That's not always so. Years ago I started dating someone because he was such a lovely, kind person and we got on. I knew I didn't "fancy" him but I liked him so much I wanted to find a spark! So we dated for a short while. He fell for me and to this day would move heaven and earth to be with me. :(

Very early on, I told him my dilemma. He was very persuasive that it would be okay, it would grow etc. I could easily have gone on dating him a lot longer because being with someone who's devoted to you is very seductive, but in the wrong way. Having someone to rely on, who's kind, generous and funny is hard to give up. But it wasn't fair. You just can't make that spark happen. Sadly. :(
 
JazzyMan1 said:
Add this to the fact that she says she keeps going back to him every week then there must be something there.
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The trouble is, you miss that adoration and think, "Maybe I could try again..." but when you do, it doesn't feel right and you just feel guilty. So you go away again, and miss them....

:o Speaking from experience. :o


JazzyMan1 said:
You see all the time about people breaking up as they have lost this spark but my argument is simply find it again.
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I do agree with you there. If it was there once, and you really had something, it's a real shame to give up lightly. I respect you for your committment to making your own marriage work.
 
I agree with tiny pony but just want to add,when you do find someone who might be right for you,make sure you don't have any (or certainly that level of) contact with your ex anymore-it definitely affects formation of a new relationship&insiduously clouds your head/judgement/ability to move forward with someone else(even if you think it's all dead and buried with the ex,they still have a way of sitting in your headspace/sticking their oar in!) Enjoy yourself without either of them for now!
 
So to conclude, :)

If you have ever felt a spark with him or felt you were in love with him to try harder and fight for it.

If you just like the attention and dont think you will ever love the guy then break it off...

I have got to say just by the fact she is asking I think deep down she has strong feelings for the guy but is as she states clouded by her past relationship that still hasnt been dealt with. How can your heart fall completely in love if your still tied up elsewhere? Please, if you have any feelings for the guy dont give up, give it your all and see what comes of it.
 
rhino said:
You can't make yourself love someone. Sorry.
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I dont think we were suggesting that you can make yourself love someone, I was under the impression she was talking about a spark between two people. Love is something you fall into over time. A spark is something that is a connection between you. That connection can be found again. Love is an long-term thing. Is the OP in love? I think she could be....:o
 
FionaM12 said:
I think you are something of a romantic, Jazzyman... :rolleyes::D
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:) Maybe so, but romance is what makes relationships survive and creates that spark.

I hope she gives this guy a chance as she sounds as though she is having a rough time of it. Get rid of the ex and the business, then go on some proper dates with the guy. What have you got to lose? Go for dinner, theatre, travel somewhere for the weekend. If after all of this your still not in love or having a spark with the guy then publish his details as im sure loads of women would snap him up! lol

Love takes time and sparks will fly...

:)
 
I don't actually think she needs to give the new guy a chance, I think she needs to be fair and just tell him he's not for her. The relief you fee after is actually great as you then can stop worrying about what you should be feeling. I always say trust your instincts and your gut feeling.

I have been single for essentially ever! lol. I have dated and been with people for several months at a time but never anything long term. Practically every guy i have been with has been one who would just do anything for me - to be honest i found it suffocating! One even took me to New York for a weekend when i'd only been dating him for a few weeks!!! I refused to go initially but was persuaded by friends as they saw it as a "free trip". It was only the minute I met him at the station before we went to catch a flight i really realised I was not remotely attracted to him! i should have turned round and gone home but instead I went to New York anyway and when they he persisted in trying to buy me everything and anything - I could have throttled him!! I finished the relationship the day after we got back.

You KNOW if you're attracted to someone, you can't force it.
 
FionaM12 said:
That was probably what I was trying say, only I used a lot more words. :o
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No - I agreed with all that you said in the last page or two.

I think that you don't properly fall for someone else until you fully shut the door on the past. Some people do, but most don't. You have to put down your baggage and stand on your own feet first. If you jump from one relationship that mattered straight into another its often just an ego/confidence boost and doesn't have the spark or footings of a relationship that is going to last.
 
BUY A HORSE! they take up less time..dont phone you 1000000 times a day, cheer u up when your upset and actually appriciate what you are doing for them :D plus they are so much less complicated to deal with..even daft attention-seeking thoroughbreds like mine :D :D
 
oh my god, i cant believe what im reading here....

Yes you have to be attracted to someone but she was otherwise she wouldnt have dated him?

Buy a horse?? come on? Some of them can be just as much hard work as a relationship....

Im not saying anyone on here is wrong but if you turn every guy/girl away because you dont feel that spark straight away then you will end up a very lonely person with a horse.:p

Sparks can grow slowley and in my opinion if they grow slowly they last longer....:D
 
Hi

I was always the sort of person that unless the spark was there straight away I walked away. The problem is, the spark was never there so all I ever did was date and move on (fun in a way, and a great way for getting over an ex).

I then met someone who I didn't really like to begin with, but for some reason, and because he played his cards right, I kept seeing him and I kept telling my self I didn't like him. Too hairy, too bald, crocked nose, bad teeth..... I would find everything I possibly could to tell myself I didn't like him. This went on for about 3 months until my friends met him and loved him. I then started to think maybe he wasn't so bad. I am now madly in love and we are now living together!

I think though you need to get over your ex first, it's not fair on the new guy. I would have some fun, be single for a while, enjoy horses and then when a relationship is right, it will happen. Don't use the new guy though to make yourself feel better or give you a confidence boost!

Good luck! Relationships are never easy!
 
Honey08 said:
You have to put down your baggage and stand on your own feet first. If you jump from one relationship that mattered straight into another its often just an ego/confidence boost and doesn't have the spark or footings of a relationship that is going to last.
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Too true.

JazzyMan1 said:
you will end up a very lonely person with a horse.:p
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...and your point is? ;):D:p

I think (personally speaking) the ideal state is to be in a happy, supportive loving relationship. But I'd rather be single than be in a relationship which doesn't feel right.

Either way, with a horse as well, obviously. :rolleyes::D
 
OP I must say this in the kindest possible way - You really need to have a serious talk with yourself.
I was left (with 2 young children) and it honestly was the turning point in my life. I stayed single for several years. Set myself goals, studied and got my RHS in horticulture, fitted a kitchen, learnt a mountain of skills from plumbing, car maintenance, fitting a wooden floor etc etc. The man I eventually met had complete respect for me and we have now spent many happy years together.
The time I spent on my own though was the making of me.
 
Thanks to Jazzyman1 for letting me know this thread was still on the go. i didnt realize!!!!

Once agin very grateful to all opinions :)

In answer to Jazzyman1 questions;

1. Have you ever felt the spark -yes
2. Have you ever said "I love you" and meant it - yes
3. Have you ever planned a future? Ie living together, holidays etc - yes
4. If you were upset about something would you call him? -yes him and only him


A year previous to me splitting with the ex, i met this guy and there were sparks. We were good friends, nothing more but my at the time partner found out and went mad so i cut all contact with the guy for about six months. We worked together so slowly talked again and remained friends. 8 months after the split i contacted him again and there my story begins. I hope this answers all questions.

Since posting my first post we had a talk about his weight, he has now lost over a stone and cant thank me enough for being honest with him, he is happier than ever that he finally has stopped giving himself excuses and got serious about losing weight FOR HIMSELF.

Anything ive missed feel free to shout!!
 
Hi ebn,

I have to say it sounds to me like this is a good start for a relationship. I do think you need to deal with your "ex" and business first but you answered yes to all my questions.

I think most people on here assumed you had never felt the spark or fallen in love?

Maybe deal with your emotional baggage first and then try dates again? Trust me, you dont find someone who ticks all the boxes every time. But if most of them are ticked then work on the rest?

I see you said you have felt the spark so that gives me hope, you said you love him and planned a future together so you obviously think you could be with him.

If you let him go without trying then you will regret it.

Just my opinion but ive been happily married for 15 years and hopefully many more!:D
 
Sounds more like she likes him as a friend and yes you need a glorius BIG SPARK to start off with and after years it mellows to much more and friendship and this is from some one going towards their 43 wedding Anv. But you also have to realise that, that person is someone you can see you spending the rest of your life with.
 
Echo Bravo said:
Sounds more like she likes him as a friend and yes you need a glorius BIG SPARK to start off with and after years it mellows to much more and friendship and this is from some one going towards their 43 wedding Anv. But you also have to realise that, that person is someone you can see you spending the rest of your life with.
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I agree. We had a reading at our wedding that said that married love is the ember in a fire that glows strong and bright after all the flames have gone out - you sure need a spark to light that...
 
Are you not reading the same message I am?

She said there was a spark, that she does Love him, she has planned a future with him and calls him when there are problems?
What more do you want? Lol
 
Actually I've just read through again and I'm even more baffled! I hadn't seen the post where the op answered your questions, and I can't see how so much has changed over a week!! Last week she was saying he had no physical attraction to her, now he's lost a stone in a week and everything is dandy!!? Very wierd relationship and I don't envy him.
 
Hmmm...

9th March:

eatonbraynat said:
lovely kind, would do anything for me but i just feel like there is no spark....

.... has weight issues.....

i just dont have a physical attraction to him
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15th March:

eatonbraynat said:
Since posting my first post we had a talk about his weight, he has now lost over a stone and cant thank me enough for being honest with him, he is happier than ever that he finally has stopped giving himself excuses and got serious about losing weight FOR HIMSELF.
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:confused: How is it for himself if it's the result of your talk though?

Honey08 said:
Actually I've just read through again and I'm even more baffled! Last week she was saying he had no physical attraction to her, now he's lost a stone in a week and everything is dandy!!? Very wierd relationship and I don't envy him.
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Over a stone in six days, actually. That's a seriously dangerous weight loss. :eek:
 
Im not saying everything is dandy at all. Nothing has changed just because he has lost a stone! I am still not seeing him other than as a friend, i am still trying to clear out my ex and my business. I am still saying that at the moment there is no physical attraction but that there was in the very beginning.
 
For Fionam12

It is for himself as he has been trying to lose weight since before i met him but would just find excuses to avoid it. Since talking to him it actualy made him realise what he has been doing to himself and he has faced up to it and is now dealing with it.
I totally agree that a stone in a week is massive but he has about 7 stone to lose in accordance with his doctor and he is not doing anything extreme other than sticking to his calorie allowance.
 
Hi ebn,

I think you are confused as you are having to deal with your ex still?

What's changed since you found him attractive?

Have you broken up with him? I hope you havnt ended it for good as I think you could have a keeper once you have dealt with your issues. I just hope you can deal with the ex quickly. You sound like its dragging you down. And that's never good.

Good luck and I really hope you find happiness. (with guy 2) :P
 
JazzyMan1 said:
Hi ebn,

I think you are confused as you are having to deal with your ex still?

What's changed since you found him attractive?

Have you broken up with him? I hope you havnt ended it for good as I think you could have a keeper once you have dealt with your issues. I just hope you can deal with the ex quickly. You sound like its dragging you down. And that's never good.

Good luck and I really hope you find happiness. (with guy 2) :P
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My ex and business are a nightmare and it is even worse watching the business be closed down that i spent 5 years building with him. Hopefully all will be coming to an end in april so not long but it really is devastating.

My ex and i still speak most days, he usually calls me about the business then goes on to other stuff, tells me his problems etc, then it goes on. Really it feels like we are together still but just not physically, which is very bad i know.

Guy 2 i have said that i am not saying never just not right now and that if he meets someone in the meantime then that is something i will have to deal with. We remain good friends.

Thanks for all the advice much appreciated x
 
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