Relationships, careers and horses ...

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Darkwater

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I know posts like this have been done before, but I'm having a bit of a tough time at the moment trying to work out what to do with my life and wondered if anyone else has been in a similar position and what you have ended up doing?

Basically, my other half (fiancée, but no actual plans to get married at the moment for financial reasons mainly) has been offered a new job and will need to move away from where we currently live if he takes it. We don't actually currently live together as for a number of reasons he moved a bit closer to his current job about a year ago and I moved back in with my parents after living with him for 3 years (I only lived 5 minutes away so this didn't effect horses etc in any way). But he has only moved about 15 miles away so I can see him as regularly as we want, and generally do so a few times a week depending on our commitments.

I am completely torn now however as the job he has been offered is on the other side of the country. He lives for his career and I would never ever ask to him not to take a job for me and at the same time I don't want to follow him around the country, or the world even for his work as that's his life, not mine.

My horses really are my life. I currently own my old pony and a 4 year old, neither of which I would want to give up; especially not the pony as even if I wanted to there would not be many options for her. I work part time as a groom and part time run a small leatherwork business from home, and although this could potentially be something I could do anywhere, and my young horse would probably quite happily settle on new yards, I don't want to move my old pony especially as where we ended up may well not be forever.

My other half completely understands how much my horses and my life where I am now means to me and would never make me do anything I didn't want to, but I'm not sure how well either of us think a long distance relationship would realistically work as it would potentially be quite long term. We've been together 6 years and the thought of having to basically choose my horses or him is really quite painful.

I'm not really looking for advice as such as I know its very much a 'do what you need to do for the best' situation and only I can make that decision, but if anyone else has had to make similar sacrifices and decisions be it horses, relationships, jobs etc I would love to hear your stories.

Many thanks for reading x
 
Actually it sounds like you've more going for you than against you
Your OH understands you and lovely neds too by the sounds of it, and their are only positives really? The only negative is moving? Thats not so bad. Moving with horses can be done, lots of people do it everyday.
My advice
Start looking now, even if its just online. Start looking into the new area, the cost of renting there, the kind of yards there etc it will keep you busy and get you focused on new goals.
enjoy
life's an adventure :)
 
I moved with my old pony for my new job about a year and a half ago. She is 22 now and she coped just fine. In fact she came back up from her loan home in Cornwall back to Herts aged 19 and again did really well on the trip and settled really well into both new yards.
As for relationships - I have had two long distance relationships which didn't work out, but mine were on the other side of the world when I was a student when I had no money for airfare, no prospect of a visa in the other country or realistic prospect of turning the relationship into a 'normal' one. My sister is currently in a long distance relationship (Herts to Surrey) with her long term boyfriend who she hasn't lived near for three years (since uni). They know it's something they have to do while he gets the work experience he needs and she gets her postgrad qualifications, they see each other every few weeks (ah, that will be where I went wrong then), talk on the phone a lot (another mistake) and have a definite end-point of next summer of when they will be in a flat together (oh and that too). Oh and my parents were a holiday romance which developed into a distance relationship over 30 years ago. They wrote each other letters (London to Dublin) and sometimes my dad borrowed his neighbour's phone to call my mum on a pay phone. That lasted for the whole three months until they got engaged then their whole engagement too. They are still married 31 years later. So you will definitely have it easier than them, if you do the distance thing.
Good luck whatever you decide :)
 
Well the way I see it you are in a fortunate position, you can do your work anywhere (and being a groom is transferable)*and your horses can be moved, even if you think settling in might be stressful.

Your fiance sounds like he supports your love of horses and is not suggesting you choose between them and him? If you said you couldn't go with him because of the older horse, I could see why that might upset him as he might think deep down you just don't want to go.

Things will work out, maybe he could move first and test the water so to speak? My brother moved to Paris and did not give up his flat in the UK for about a year, so I think with horses involved you want to know if you're staying before you move them!

Maybe you are just a bit scared of the unknown, nothing wrong with that, you don't have to jump in with all 4 feet first.

If it was my partner, we would both move if the other required it, but we are probably a bit more needy than most people, and we don't especially love where we live now!
 
Molasses said:
Actually it sounds like you've more going for you than against you
Your OH understands you and lovely neds too by the sounds of it, and their are only positives really? The only negative is moving? Thats not so bad. Moving with horses can be done, lots of people do it everyday.
My advice
Start looking now, even if its just online. Start looking into the new area, the cost of renting there, the kind of yards there etc it will keep you busy and get you focused on new goals.
enjoy
life's an adventure :)
Click to expand...

This!! After your online searches you need to make an exploratory trip and check out possible yards/grazing, job opportunities for you, housing options etc etc etc!! Good luck!
 
If he moves you could continue the relationship long distance for a while, but really at some point you would need to make a decision. I have learnt (the hard way) that relationship takes 100% committment, not something half hearted. So if he really is right for you in all/most other aspects, then at some point uproot and take your ponies with you.
 
I moved my lot and had to go to a temporary yard while we waited for enough spaces at current so moved them twice. Old dear travelled and settled well. We only moved about 3 years ago. She will be 33 this spring.
 
If you can work from anywhere, I think you probably need to accept that you will need to move with him as his career develops - most careers now require a bit of moving around. Is it only the old pony that's a problem, or is it more than that?

I'm going to sound a bit heartless here, and I'm very sorry ... but if you really do feel that it's a (self-imposed) choice between the horses and the OH, and the OH doesn't win outright, I think you need to have a careful think. Of course I understand the bond with horses, especially older ones, but your OH is the person you are choosing to spend the rest of your life with - the bond and relationship with him should be even more important. At the end of the day, if his career and life needs him to be able to move, and yours allows you to move but you choose not to, it's going to be a struggle for more than just this once. :(
 
What's been said really, unless the pony is unwell or very hard to settle in new places then I can't see a reason not to go and I would be slightly concerned about your strength of feeling for your other half...i can't imagine not moving or doing almost anything for mine, but perhaps you are more independent (and that is a very good thing!) Maybe try out the long distance thing but it is difficult. If your pony being older is your only reservation I would say go for it!!!
 
It really depends how committed you both are to this relationship. I actually don't see it as a good sign that he applied for a job on the other side of the country without talking things through with you first. It seems like whether or not you'd go with him, he wanted the job anyway, so he's not putting the relationship first (which is fair enough if that's what he wants to do). I also find it weird that neither of you was prepared to live 15 miles away from your daily life. It's really not that far, yet both of you prefer to live apart rather than have the journey. That doesn't scream 'committment' at me.

I left my friends, family, job I was happy in etc. I started over, moving 40 miles away to an area I didn't want to live in, so I could live with my then boyfriend. It didn't work out and I honestly would never do it again.

It's not the moving. I've moved since then, starting all over again in a new area, but that was my choice about what was best for me, I'd never do it again just for a man.
 
As far as the horses are concerned although the yard cld change you wld be a constant for them which is the most important thing ie its not the same as rehoming something later in life. Can't comment on whether to move or not...but go with your gut / what will make you most happy.
 
I'm going to be the kiss of doom, and say that this relationship doesn't sound like a forever passionate relationship. Something which someone said to me when I was first engaged, and they were right. Sounds like your relationship comes second for you both to other things. I think stay put, see how things go as a long distance relationship - it will either make you miss each other and push you to move the relationship on, or it will peter out.. These relationships, that aren't bad, but aren't the best thing ever, are always the hardest to walk away from, as there is better out there, but you never find it while you stay with a 75% relationship, if you see what I mean.. Don't mean to sound hard, it just sounds like a strange relationship.
 
Will your OH's career mean he has to move again as it develops? Would you be prepared to follow him every time? At the expense of your own possible career? Would he be prepared to support you while you get a new job sorted each time? After all you would be moving because of him!

I personally couldn't do this! I have my own career to think about! You can love someone and be committed to them, but if your 'life plans' don't match it makes things very difficult! Maybe I'm just not romantic enough - or too selfish!

My OH's sister moved to Jersey to be with her boyfriend. He moved there for a job (they were together before he moved there - he didn't really consider her feelings when he took it). He has now said he is going to stay there for two years then he wants to move again. So she will have to move again! She didn't even want to go there in the first place! That certainly wouldn't be the life for me!

You have a lot of thinking to do! I'm sure your horses would cope with the move - but would you?
 
My brother and his wife have been together for 16 years. In all this time they only lived together full time for 1 year, then about 4 months, when she had there first child. He is in the army, she works in London, so moving is normal for him. They are both currently in the states, but she works away all week, and only goes home on the weekend. It works for them. It may be worth seeing how it works for you, before you decide either way.
 
I think the people who have said its my fear of moving which is putting me off, you are probably right, as much as I don't want to admit it to myself. My pony is a big factor, mainly as the biggest problem that I didn't really mention in my original post is financial, and this is also the main reason we don't currently live together. It would mean selling my horse, despite the fact that he would realistically be the easier of the two to take, which I could do if I had to but I can't leave the pony as I said earlier so I would need to know I could support her and myself before I was to move.

I think seeing how my partner finds the new job etc (if he takes it, no decisions have been made yet) for a while before I make any concrete plans of my own is probably the way we will go forwards. To all that have mentioned that I should easily be choosing my other half over anything else, believe me I want to, but life isn't always that simple as I can't expect him to support me and my old girl as well as himself so I need to know it will work for all of us and i'm trying to be realistic about everything.

I don't really understand why people find it a strange relationship or not a very good one...We both just lead very different lives and are very independant but this doesn't mean we don't care just as much, if not more, about each other as we do about everything else it just means we try not to give things up to make it work if we don't have to. In this case I know he would have a lot more to lose if he stayed and didn't take the job than I would if I sold my horse and my house and left to go with him, so I couldn't ask him to stay but on the other hand he would also never ask me to go if I didn't want to and we would try to make it work as we are doing now and have done throughout our relationship with being away at university a few years ago etc.

Thank you for all your replies, you've given me a lot to think about x
 
Relationships are all about compromise and give and take.

Your posts do sound as if you are making excuses as to why not to move with your OH, but it may just be that you are someone who is homebody and doesn't like the idea of moving to another area.

However, at this moment in time you are the one who can effectively take your work anywhere in the country if you follow your OH, so it may be that at this point in your relationship it is up to you to compromise here.

The horses will be fine :) I have moved elderly horses and as long as the as the same routine is adhered to, they settled staight away. Why would you have to sell your youngster?

Talk to your OH. Tell him that you would love to go with him (if you would!), but that you would be concerned that he might have to support you and the horses for a while until you got sorted. He may find that a compromise on his part that he is more than willing to make to ensure that you are together :D

Some women are too proud and too independant. A relationship is a partnership and sometimes you will need the help of the other partner, be it financial, emotional etc. That is what a relationship is about, so while you are compromising by leaving an area you know, he is compromising by funding that move. Give and take :)
 
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