Saying what people don't want to hear or biting your tongue?

Say something people don't want to hear or bite your tongue?

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I said 'not sure' but 'it depends' might be more accurate. If I am asked a direct question I will answer it but try to be tactful. I have never found myself having to offer unsolicited advice because I felt there was a horse welfare issue - most of the other liveries at the yard are more experienced than I am. There has been the odd livery who has been a bit clueless/lazy/stingy and the horse has been suffering as a result, but the YO is very good at intervening with advice and assistance when it's nevessary. Most people have been grateful and taken it, those who haven't seem to leave before much longer.

I have been on the receiving end of unrequested advice once or twice, usually given in a 'why do you/are you...' sort of way. 80% of it has been pretty useful actually. Occasionally it has been quite entertaining. My last horse was a tricky customer and I did answer the odd 'why...' question with 'hmmm, perhaps you could come and show me how you would do it' or 'why don't you hop on and show me what you mean'. Although the offer of help or advice, even if a bit patronising, was coming from a good place, their experience when they tried usually answered the question much better than anything I could have said.
 
I think it's possible to give honest advice without being blunt, hurtful or condescending. People may not like the advice but they're are more likely to listen if you don't immediately put their backs up.

Be positive on here is a good example of someone who imo gives good advice with no undertones of condescension or nastiness.
 
Ive just had a good example of my online bravery. Lady keeps complaing about how she didn't win any shows last season and claims she was scammed into buying the horse etc and is now on a mission to change the rules of the show. I told her in no uncertain terms the fact she can't trot in a straight line is probably more the reason she lost than the horse (who has won championships under a more experienced handler!)
 
People don't want to know! My MIL took me to the viewing of her horse and I strongly suggested she had it vetted because it's back legs were terribly stiff, she ignorned me and bought it without vetting and a week later needed the vet out for her lame horse but equally when I was viewing a horse I had already mentally bought and took my mum, she pointed out all manner of faults infront of the owner and I was so embaressed I quickly paid the full asking price and didn't even try to haggle despite horse already being over priced before all the faults were pointed out. I still have the horse 6 years later but he's quite broken and although I would never change him I really should have listened to advice from my mum and walked away
 
When I was teaching, I would tell people things they didn't want to hear. "This horse is sensitive and sharp, not really ideal for a novice rider, and me riding her once per fortnight is only going to make a difference if you are having regular weekly lessons on a schoolmaster." That didn't go down well!

I usually only say things to fellow liveries if asked, but if it is a welfare issue I can't bring myself to tune out, I try to find a gentle, diplomatic way to flag that there might be a problem. "Do you reckon he might be a wee bit ribby for this time of year?" was my most recent hint to someone who's gelding has lost a fair bit of weight in the last few months, which isn't what you want when the grass isn't getting better and the weather is getting colder. It's more tactful than what I was thinking, which is "Jesus, he looks like sh** t!" Diplomacy often goes nowhere -- in this case, the owner just said the horse is usually too fat and looked fine to her -- but at least I feel I have tried to do right by the horse and not fallen out with anyone by being too forthright.

I have also been on the recieving end of unsolicited advice. Had a strange falling out with a friend at uni, who insisted my horse was lame, but my horse wasn't lame, and then she would go on rants about how I should never event my horse because she [horse] would break down if I did, which was pretty weird because I am way too chickensh ** t to event and had no intentions of ever doing so. "Well, I'm not eventing," I would say, and friend would reply, "If you *did* event..." Okaaay. I'm sure the horse would break down if I ran her in the Grand National as well, but it's neither here nor there. That was in 2005. In 2016, the horse still isn't lame!
 
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People know that if they ask me for an opinion they'll get one. If they merely after affirmation they don't ask. I'm never rude and always try to be constructive. By the same token, if I ask for an opinion I expect one however I think I'm quite scary so usually say "there's no right or wrong, answer, I genuinely want to know what you think" to get them to open up but do caveat it with "however I may chose to ignore you".
 
I generally don't offer my opinion unless asked, and try to give it in a diplomatic way. I also try to tailor it depending on the person - do they want another option/way of thinking, or do they actually want me to tell them what to do?

Personally, I value honesty from other people whose opinions I respect, such as my instructor, experienced people on the yard, or some posters on here.
 
Like others on here, I only offer my opinion if asked and then I usually try to do it in a tactful way. If it was me receiving the advice I feel I'd accept it better if it was offered to me in a tactful and polite way.

In my eyes, even though I feel strongly about my opinions that doesn't make them any more valid than the opinion of anybody else.
 
.... Also you do get those people that watch the warmup and harp on about everything being lame! Err, at >advanced I like to think the judge would notice....

I think I would only get involved if it was a welfare/safety issue. It's a different scanario if someone asks (or pays!!) for your opinion, or they are a close friend. Eg with the person asking you about the potential purchase - I think you did the right thing there. With the dressage horse it's more ambiguous because unless it's actually lame, it's really up to the purchasers to decide on its collection ability.
 
. Also you do get those people that watch the warmup and harp on about everything being lame! Err, at >advanced I like to think the judge would notice....
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http://www.horseandhound.co.uk/news/half-horses-lame-saddle-slip-survey-428728

As well as this study, there was another one which was much smaller where higher level riders were asked to send horses they knew were sound to be tested. Half of those were lame, too.

Suggest you also take a look at the video of Totilas' last GP test in front of five (or is it seven?) International judges. It raised a storm of protest, then he was retired.

I see lame horses everywhere!
 
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ycbm said:
http://www.horseandhound.co.uk/news/half-horses-lame-saddle-slip-survey-428728

As well as this study, there was another one which was much smaller where higher level riders were asked to send horses they knew were sound to be tested. Half of those were lame, too.

Suggest you also take a look at the video of Totilas' last GP test in front of five (or is it seven?) International judges. It raised a storm of protest, then he was retired.

I see lame horses everywhere!
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Me too. There are far more lame horses than there are sound IME. I've given up pointing it out now unless someone asks me or I think the horse is suffering. In the past I used to tell liveries if their horse was unlevel, but now I make a judgement based on degrees of unsoundness as most horses I see are unsound to a greater or lesser degree. Some of it causes them no problems or apparent pain, but I suspect many are just being very stoic.

Lorenzo looked wrong behind to me at the Olympics. But what do I know?
 
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I hate the horse world's tendancy to comment on everything and everyone when it's none of their business - unless it's truly a welfare issue.

If I am asked and there's something potentially sensitive and offensive to be said, I'm fairly good at sugar coating it. One technique I heard once is to ask "would you like to hear my honest opinion?" - that way the person has agreed to you bring honest, though of course it's a leading question and to be used sparingly. I'd like to hope I'm the type of person who people can ask for advice and know they are getting a truthful answer.
 
scats said:
Unfortunately some people I know who are proud of how 'outspoken' they are, are just plain rude. There is being honest and there is having tact.

I am very much say it how it is, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. I tend to live by asking myself if a person is hurting anyone- human or animal, with their behaviour or actions. If not, let them be. If they are, then it's time to speak up.

As for people asking for advice and then not taking it (and then it all goes wrong, as suspected), I make a mental note and keep it mind for next time. If it keeps happening, I will and have, told a person that I don't feel there's any point offering my opinion as it is not going to be listened to.
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This!

I am actually starting to think that I will speak to others as they speak to me - I think I will have a lot of disgruntled clients and 'friends'. When did people become so rude?

OP, I notice it more the other way round (although there have been some shocking cases of missed lameness and even missed laminitis that I have seen). People around my way seem to like to show off their extensive knowledge and have actually scuppered the recovery process of some of the horses I work with by telling owners how it 'should' be done.
 
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