Severe loss of confidence... can you ever get over it?

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clairel

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Sorry this may turn out quite long, but I would really appreciate some thoughts so bear with me please.
I haven't posted in here for a long time, mainly due to lack of interesting competition reports!

Mainly I'm looking for a bit of help, and some of your own experiences.

A bit of history...
I have evented my coloured mare Skew-whiff successfully to BE nov and my current horse (Davy) also to CNC*, was entered for our first CCI* when he injured himself. Davy is the most talented horse I have ever had but is unfortunately injury prone.
Due to Davy being out of action I started riding a friends horse. She was having difficulties with him throwing his head up and bolting. Had back, teeth etc. all done and he had a lot of issues. These all improved and he was progressing very well.
Davy also came back into work, so we started taking them both out together.

To cut a long story short, friends horse got progressively worse the more he went out in company. Extremely nappy and un-rideable.

So onto the accident...
Took both horses out, rode Davy in dressage and SJ, got Vincent out of box and got on for dressage. He was very tense, and blew up a few times as I asked him to walk away from horse box (we always needed someone to walk in front and warn people) Started warming up and things improved, asked friend to come down and help tighten girth as sometimes he can be a bit funny about it. Started working him again for a few minutes and all of a sudden he started rearing and plunging at the same time. Not entirely sure what happened after that but in the excitement the reins went over my head. I fell off and horse freaked, dragging me backwards by my neck.
Friend eventually managed to free me by pulling horses bridle off, and apart from being very winded I had no injuries.

We no longer have the horse in question but I have been really struggling to ride my own. In fact I have absolutely no inclination to even look at a horse. I don't feel particularly scared when I ride, but the thought of doing anything other than ride in my own school doesn't interest me.

People are pressuring me to either start competing my own Davy or sell him but I don't know if I can, just don't think I can ride him well enough and know I will freeze up, which isn't fair on him (he is a machine who could do it without me)

Is it possible to move on from this sort of thing? Should I keep pushing myself or just do what ever I feel comfortable with?

Any thoughts gracefully received!
 
Do what you feel comfortable with ! You are not forced to compete, or even to practice dressage at home: you horse is not 'wasted' if you aren't competing.....and if you still want to ride, but not on your dressage horse, you can sell him or loan him out and get a quiet little plod to hack around on till your confidence improves. If you don't want to ride at all (and I could hardly blame you!) you don't have to - you could still sell or loan yours and get another one in the future if you feel like it.
There is no point in forcing yourself if your heart's not in it.
I am so sorry for you, please don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything you are not happy about: it's YOUR life, after all.
 
I think it depends if you want to. Own experience? Ridden for 21 years, my horse was PTS, and I gave up for 5 years. Decided to start again and pottered about on a variety of horses. Went to look for a share horse and found one last September. Dec/Jan this year - HUGE confidence crash, I couldn't even bring myself to put my foot in the stirrup, I was crying, shaking, felt sick...
Since then - ridden 3 Intro tests, 2 Prelims, hacked out, ride on my own, been out to competitions, booked onto a dressage clinic, I ride outside.
It took a lot of digging deep and I have surprised myself with how resilient and stubborn I am! But I wanted to do it
 
First of all what a horrible thing to happen to you.

I am certainly nowhere near as good a rider as you, I am more of a pleasure rider, happy to leave the competing to OH and my kids, but enjoy schooling and bring on young horses.

I had a fall this year that I cant remember, cant remember anything about the day until I woke up in a CT scanner. It appears I came off head first into a fence post. I wasn't riding my horse, I was schooling one for a friend.

When it came to getting back on I would have happily ridden the one that ditched me, but really didn't want to ride my own rather sharp TB. I could remember falling off him a few weeks before when he had had one of his 'make me' moments, hadn't hurt myself and had got straight back on. It took every bit of OH's persuasive tactics (he has a box full!) to get me to walk around the school. It is now a few months on and I have come to terms with what happened and now feel happy riding again, but I had to do it in my own time and just do what I feel like doing. Its my hobby I want to enjoy it, you have to decide what is right for you, does it matter to you if you dont compete? does it matter to your horse? does it matter if all you want to do is walk around the school? do things for yourself,for your enjoyment not because other people think you should. In time you may feel you want to do more, that is what has happened to me without me really realising it.

Good luck.
 
Thanks for the replies.
I think the thing is that I have always been a very competitive person, we buy competitive horses and that is really the only reason I ride. That may sound bad, but I am not a happy hacker kind of person.
Have my own horse entered for a small (3' 3 ") unaff event in a few weeks time but it is already concerning me.
 
What a horrible thing to happen and as others have said take your time, there's no rush and even if you decide to compete or not, it's up to you. I believe a lot of people on HHO have spoken to Jo Cooper and received NLP/TFT help with their horse related issues. Have a look at her website, it might help you see a little clearer and make decisions a little easier www.equestrianconfidence.com/
 
ohmygosh, that sound horrible :( you were VERY lucky not to sustain injuries!!

How long ago was this? If it was fairly recent (even within 6 months) it may take a while for you to just get back that spirit you had.

From personal experience, don't rush it, or push it. Davy sounds like a lovely horse and your enjoyment of him may well spark that flame again :) good luck

p.s. have only ever heard good things about Jo Cooper and I nearly did it a few years ago, but I didn't have the money!
 
Clairel i know what you mean! touch wood i've not had a big fall but my confidence went out the window not long ago. i loaned a horse from a friend because she had just separated from her partner and needed a home for him. big mistake, bronking bucking rearing tanking nightmare! lost my confidence. Then had an exracer who was lovely but i didnt have the time to dedicate to him. Got my new horse and started building my confidence back up but after the 4 months we had off due to snow my confidence levels hit an all time low once again. I pushed myself too far too fast with him as he'd done BE and i felt like i was doing him an injustice by not jumping him but ended up pushing myself too fast and got to the point of wanting to give up.

I've just started feeling more confident with him again now, he really is a superstar and athough my jumping confidence still needs work i've worked hard on his flat work and we've been out competing locally in dressage which has done wonders for us both. I know he is capable of doing anything i ask of him, but i need to get me right before i move onto anything else so i dont end up ruining him or me!

My best BEST advice is do what you feel confortable with. I've had pressure on me to do things and pushed myself too far. Chin up and keep at it, you'll get there.
 
Firstly you have hit rock bottom it sounds, which is good because it means things can only improve!

I think some sports psychology sessions may help.

Also you need to remember why you did it, did you enjoy the winning, the whole journey of it, the preperation, the adrenaline rush?
I think remembering why you used to love it will help you to know if you still feel the same or want the same. Things do change, we don't stay wanting the same things forever.

My mum used to be a competitive event rider. She had a nasty accident, dabbled in BS, BD for a while and gave up. She kept her event horse to hack and school as he was getting older anyway but that was it, in her mind if she couldn't do it properly, she wouldn't do it at all.

She didn't do anything other then mooch around on her ageing horse for 12 years.

Then I got a flighty youngster!! I needed her to help me. Suddenly she was riding out with me everyday on the old boy giving me leads. She had to help me at shows and give mr support at home. She started to get more into it again! She took the old boy out to do some small unaff SJ and dr and I think she was shocked by how rusty and out of practice she had become! She was now having to work hard and I do know it was demoralising for her realising she wasn't as good as she used to be. The old boy passed but with my bouncing young thing needing company she got a new horse, a younger one and got in to having lessons and competing ect. She ended up with an ex-racer who as it turned out was pretty good at Dressage! That was it she was off!!! Lessons, shows, new tack the works, she started getting cross if they came home with a ribbon but she didn't get as high a Mark as she wanted and the competitive monster started to emerge again. Sadly this lovely horse was PTS and we are now looking for another one. This little break and loosing the horse had made her realise that apart from the comps she enjoyed the training, the one to one, the hacking, the grooming. She's looking forward to starting a new journey with her next horse and I will keep having to remind her I'm sure that it's all meant to be fun and not to get too competitive lol.

Basically she herself found her way back into it and at a level and with a discipline that makes her
happy, that may change of course but that doesn't matter. I think if you take the pressure off something will happen that will encourage you to pick yourself up and do it again, what you shouldn't do is push yourself. Does it matter if you just school and train your horse at home for now?? Why does it need to be anything more then that unless you want it to be?
 
Hypnotherapy, its brilliant. I went for nerves, and being worried about competing and letting people down. Its helped me no end.

However a friend on mine had an accident on her horse, she mounted him, he exploded and ditched her. She was very scred to get on him after this, would ask someone to ride him for 10 mins first etc, then when to be hypnotised.. she said the fear of getting on and replaying the accident had just gone.

Hope you get there soon.
 
I lost my confidence around 4 years ago on my 16 year old mare. She has always been a bit sharp especially out hunting, one day she did one of her 'leaps' on a steep, slippy hill and came all the way over backwards squashing me, I didn't break anything but could hardly move! A similar thing happened a short time afterwards and slowly my confidence in her seemed to disappear. It got so bad she started to spin and nap even going off the yard.

I just thought this is ridiculous, being nervous of a 16 year old horse, who I had bred and broken in, hunted all her life, bsja, members point-to-point. I decided I had to get on with it or give up! Anyway we spent the next few months just hacking, she always tried it on but this got less and less, then spent the winter bsja, not hunting, luckily I had her extremely sensible younger full sister to hunt. To cut a long story short we were back hunting the following season and I cannot imagine how things ever got this bad, I really enjoy riding her again now, and she even seems like a sensible old plod especially compared to the quirky youngster I have now!!

I would just take things steady, you don't have to be out competing, just get back to enjoying your horse and you will be back to where you were before. Good luck!
 
Given that you've been competitive up to this point, that your aims are primarily competitive and that your issue seems to stem from a specific situation with one horse, I'd say invest the time and money in some professional help. I agree that it's possible to work your way back from something like this, with time, adapting circumstances etc, but it doesn't sound to me like that's how you want to play it - you want to be back, doing what you were doing, and not with the horse that caused the problem. In your case it might be as simple as straightening out the wiring.

I do think it's different in situations where the issue is not a specific circumstance but a general doubting of skill, perhaps connected to an serious incident, perhaps just tipped over by a minor trigger. I find lots of people SAY they're fine, then something happens and they realise they really aren't. So telling someone they are perfectly competent (literally or through therapy) is a lie and one's unconscious - and one's body - is always going to know a lie and react accordingly. In such cases I think time, training, and judicious testing - perhaps along with some psychological assistance, certainly with some relaxation/focus techniques etc. - are essential. Even if someone does convince themselves they're okay when they're not, it's only going to be a matter of time before it comes up again . . .

But that doesn't really sound the situation here. Out of curiosity, did anyone get to the root of the horse's behaviour? Sometimes understanding why something went off the rails helps put the experience in the past.

The brutal truth is knocks come to all of us - it's a natural part of ageing and there are real reasons for it. There are a few people who just don't seem to be wired that way but they are few and far between (and perhaps not always totally honest . . .I've known people who said they had no fear at all but then needed a drink before they did something dangerous . . .that may be a perfectly workable coping mechanism but it's not "no fear".) and not the general rule. Almost everyone has to move past that day when they say, "Hey, I am breakable. And if I do get broken, who is going to look after my kids/do my job/care for my horses/you name it?" Or they struggle with the realisation they may not meet their goals or live up to their billing/pressure. Such is life. It's not the end of the world and very famous people have struggled with it. I'm not saying this to belittle your situation but sometimes it helps to know other people have been there before and got through it.
 
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Oh no :(
That sounds like a horrible experience and no wonder confidence is low :( Am guessing you mean the ballyv one on the 21st?
Davy is a fab lad and I think you just need to go back to basics and find out why you love riding - maybe some hunting on a sane (ish - don't want it to be boring :p) over the winter might bring back some fun :)

Don't worry, everyone looses confidence at some point, what about going and having some lessons with a good trainer just to have fun, maybe more dressage just so you are getting out?
I lost my confidence last summer and it gradually decreased bit by bit, really doubted my riding and am still gradually getting bit by bit back - but it helps when your horse loves it as much as you do, just think of Davy, he loves his xc!
Scarvagh has a go-as you please on the 18th sept, after their event, last time I was there it was brill, lots of little options and you only had to jump if you wanted to :)
What about booking in for a ride at castle leslie? Then you can jump if you want to :)
 
I lost my confidence as a result of a slippery slope taking several years that ended with a fall that broke my leg. I was not scared to ride again but really lost it jumping wise and went from enjoying it to being scared to death to jump anything decent. With the help of a lovely loan horse (sane but lively enough not to be boring) I have jumped and done few hunter trials/eventers challenge type competitions and have started to enjoy it again. The worst thing for me was feeling that I was being pathetic as I have always been brave in the past and had ridden a lot as a youngster so thought that jumping 2ft 6 on a good horse was ridiculous. Once I got over the embarassment factor and realised nobody but me cared (including the horse) I could start to re-build and stop beating myself up!
 
Thanks everyone for the reassuring replies.

Fall only happened about 2 months ago, so still pretty fresh in my mind. We never did get to the bottom of the horses problems. This was the last of a number of pretty impressive falls I had had off him, and as he was a recent purchase we decided discretion was the better part of valour and sold him back to the dealer he came from. It was a very hard decision to make, I felt like he deserved better, but I was very lucky to be alive, let alone uninjured and it wasn't worth the risk.

I think from your experiences, it would definitely be worthwhile talking to someone about it all. and also I am just going to ignore anyone who says I need to get on with things.

Thank you to everyone for your help. Will keep you informed as to how I get on.
 
Nothing to add bar say you are not alone!! Having ridden basically anything for years and having no issues I got proper bolted with hacking out racehorse one day and it really shook me. I kept riding but was inwardly petrified but trying not to let on which made things so much worse as I was even tenser. TBH it took a year for me to be right again (even though I rode my first race in the interim) and what twigged it for me was my grade A jumping mare coming back in after having 18months of to have a foal. She is very sharp and on the beach one day started one of her hissy fits and I dropped my hands and kicked her on. OH was then brilliant as started making up excuses as to why I needed to ride the tbs....for about three weeks there was very little galloping and an awful lot of racers suddenly needing "proper flatwork to help strengthen them" and without me even realising I was happily riding away and getting more confident each time! Give yourself time....2months is not long and def try talking to someone!
 
I went for hypnosis after I lost confidence jumping after hitting the floor a number of times on a horse which would put a real dirty stop in.

I was never really injured except for some impressive bruises but eventually lost more & more confidence which wasn't doing me or the horse any good.

My hypnotist explained that although I wasn't hurt and I wanted to jump my subconscious was working against me as it was saying "you've got away with it so many times but won't always" & so it made it more uncomfortable with increasing nerves every time I jumped even if it went well. The subconscious just "thinks" it's one time closer to getting hurt.

The hypnosis was really just about visualising a really positive moment & concentrating on the feelings at that time and using a physical stimulus (pressing thumb & forefinger together) to recreate those positive feelings.

Then visualising a successful clear round. When I ride & feel nervous I do use the thumb & forefinger thing & it does work. I had a cd of the 2 sessions which I replay occasionally. I'm very sceptical of things like this but it did work for me - still get some nerves but no where near as bad as they were.

It has to be at your own pace but maybe in the future occasionally a small encouraging push out of your comfort zone might be needed but it is really early days at the moment so don't be in a rush to make long term decisions yet.
 
I had a massive confidence knock about 4/5 years ago. I was practicing for my first show, horse bolted, 14 yr old on 18hh bolting horse = long way to fall...with obstacles in the way!

Anyway, I stopped for about 3 years because of it. I was far too nervous to ask any horse i got on to do anything other than walk through fear of it bolting so it was poitless.

This year I got the bug again, so went back and had a few lessons. However being on a diff horse each week didnt help my confidence. Instead I spent a long time looking for a horse to share...best thing I have ever done! In the space of a month he had me enjoying riding again...before him i wouldnt keep a whip in sight of a horse (this si what caused the horse to bolt) but now I wont get on without one! Have now just bought my first and he is an absolute star.

Long story short, yes you can get it back! Just have to do things in your own time. Dont do anything just because someone says so (i only had one lesson on my share horse as it meant I could do things in my own time without someone shouting to just get on with it!). Even start from scratch...flat work, to trotting poles, to cross poles...who says you need to go straight back eventing?! Learn to enjoy it again :)
 
I have not read all replies but know how you feel – In the space of a year I smashed my leg to pieces then my horse had an injury that required 8 months box rest. In totally I was out of the saddle for 18+months. I sustained my injury jumping, the real fear factor was b ringing said horse back into work – he was awful as to be expected – every time I got on to WALK bronced me around the school etc.

In my case I have NEVER regained full confidence back in horses and I don’t think it is possible to. I have another horse now who has helped a lot and that I am beginning to really trust him (after over a year), however I STILL have awful days and moments, which can sometimes set him on edge which means things turn into a vicious circle. I am learning to accept my confidence issues but they never go away and I do not do half the things I used to. Very frustrating and I feel for you. How do you feel when you ride your horse the safer one?
Hypnosis sounds good from some of the replies I have seen on here.
 
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