Sharer dilemma - am I being unreasonable?

[Wiz201]

tbh its sometimes cheaper for a rider to join a riding holiday at another riding centre with their own horse rather than paying for a horse effectively for the duration of the holiday. Perhaps she was been offered transport with a friend? All she needs to do then is perhaps pay for the small livery charge the riding centre will probably charge for hay and any extra feed he needs.

 

[Natch]

TBH I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. She asked, you said no, that's that.

This. Don't overcomplicate it.

...and also as I pay for everything I feel like she's kind of taking advantage a bit - I have never asked for any contribution towards his keep but suggested that if she wanted to buy him the odd bag of carrots/feed it would be welcomed but she's never done it. I've never said anything as until now I've been happy with the arrangements but now I feel like it's not enough for her. Am I being unreasonable?? Sorry for the essay!!

I think you are being unreasonable. Your arrangement is for zero money, with the option of buying a bit of feed or carrots. You don't get to be mad if an optional thing doesn't happen. You don't get to be mad at how she spends HER money (especially not if she wants to involve your horse in something nice, vs taking a week off to go on a cheap abroad package). If you want feed or carrots as renumeration, renegotiate your contract.

Thanks for your replies - ponymum I'm glad it's not just me!! I know I am lucky to have a reliable sharer but I think the deal benefits her just as much as me.

but this is part of the point, in my opinion. It benefits YOU as well as her. You sound as if you think she's got an unfair bias on the benefits. If she has, re-negotiate, but in my opinion somebody who turns up when they say they will and does what they say they will, exercises your horse, poo picks and checks the others, who you don't have to pay, is a bargain. Being able to hack a horse in return for 20 mins poo picking is also a bargain.

One final thought - you sound as if you don't really trust your sharer to do the best for your horse. I think it would be a lovely enjoyable thing for most horses to go on a hacking holiday. Many places can provide field instead of stable accomodation, He would be near (or with, if that was your choice and arranegment) horses that he's already used to, and three days isn't very long. I presume you trust her to hack him, to poo pick safely and effectively and to health check the other horses. Presumably you'd trust her to ring you and/or a vet if there was a problem. You'd make sure she'd told you exactly what the plan is, and that she knew what you want doing if X, Y or Z happens, and that she took relevant phone numbers and kit. Look, I think it'd be a lovely, practical and not drastically unsafe thing for her to do with him but at the end of the day it's your call. But please don't get carried away - she asked, you said no, the rest is your analysis of it.

 

[Kati*89]

I don't see any harm in her asking about it, and there is no reason for it to cost a lot, I went for 2 days at the beach with my share horse - got lift with someone and half b&b Costs- not a huge amount..

You are totally ok to say no if you don't feel comfortable though, I wouldn't let it get the way of what seems a good arrangement though!

 

[TallyHoFilly]

You're definitely not being unreasonable

I echo the ^above^..."You should feel comfortable with what she does with him"

 

[teabiscuit]

You're not being unreasonable in my opinion.
No way on God's green earth I'd agree to it.

 

[Lyle]

Your horse, your rules. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, there is no harm in asking! However, I do support your decision to say no, you've listed some important reasons why you wouldn't want him to go. Travelling and Stabling horses in a new environment is risky, and I wouldn't let anyone take my horse, especially if I wasn't their to supervise. It sounds like it would complicate the relationship; if she takes him once, will there be more trips? Maybe it's time to have a chat, and tell her how great the current situation is, and that's how you'd like it to stay?

 

[SallyBatty]

I don't think there is anything wrong with her asking, but I also think it is fine that you said no as long as you give her your legitimate reasons why not.

 

[teabiscuit]

You don't need to give any reason at all.
It's entirely up to you in every way. I do think sharer was a bit cheeky. I'd never ask that of someone myself.

 

[stormox]

I dont think it cheeky at all!!! If you dont ask you never get- no harm in asking. I can understand shes upset, she was probably loooking forward to it, but you said no, as was your right, so she either doesnt go or finds a horse somewhere else.

 

[teabiscuit]

Stormox it could be to do with my upbringing but I'd never put someone in that awkward position, and wouldn't want to be put there myself.
I appreciate this may be a bit old fashioned lol.

 

[Maesfen]

Thanks for your replies. I didn't mean for it to sound resentful that she's not paying me - I knew from the outset she was a poor student and would rather have a reliable sharer for free than someone who pays and ruins the horse. I am generally happy with our arrangement but just thought asking something like that was a bit cheeky. Maybe I will think about it and might feel differently in a day or so.

It doesn't sound unreasonable to me at all.

She might be a poor student even though I bet she has all the latest gadgets but it sounds like she's put nothing back to the agreement as way of appreciation which I would find quite galling. Yes, she's asked to poo pick and check the others but you'd offer to do that as way of courtesy anyway wouldn't you, you wouldn't have to be asked? Does she ever think to bring either you or pony a bag of goodies now and then or maybe some flowers as way of appreciation?

Perhaps if she had told you her friends were going on a riding holiday and she could go too it then left it at that it would have given you the chance to offer the horse if you had wanted to but to actually ask, I think was a bit cheeky. There's nothing to stop her hiring a horse and if she had said that was what she was going to do that would have given you the chance to offer yours if it suited you both but I do feel it was rude to ask. It's the way our minds work I think, I'm exactly the same; I like to offer but I don't like to be pushed or asked unless it's family or very close friends who can ask me for anything and I'll try to oblige if I haven't already offered it anyway; it's just being thoughtful to me but perhaps it's a generation thing and she hasn't learned how to deal with that yet.

 

[stormox]

How is asking putting you in an awkward position? For all she knew, you might have been glad of getting a bit of extra experience for your horse, and having a few days rest. It might have taken her ages to pluck up courage to ask! (It would have me, anyway ) If you and your sharer cant talk amicably about stuff like this, its not working!

 

[teabiscuit]

Isn't it clear to you that the op feels awkward ?

 

[Pearlsasinger]

I wouldn't have said that either of you is being unreasonable.

I can quite understand why you don't want him to go away without you - I'm on pins if I go away and leave my horses at home, with sister who co-owns them, in charge!

But I also understand that she was being reasonable when she asked, she obviously felt comfortable enough with you to suggest the trip. I am not sure what bearing her contribution or lack of it has on the situation - she does what you asked her to do.

 

[ester]

It's not just poo picking is it though, it is keeping the OPs horse fit and healthy for her too and obviously someone she trusts with sole charge rather than paying someone to ride, it seems like a mutually beneficial arrangement to me. My sharer is too useful to me for me to want to charge her. Summer she just poo picks her days, winter she brings them in a 2pm which I would have to pay for otherwise - but more importantly it means I get 2/3 days I don't feel like I have to fit in exercising him. I don't mind if she can't do her day and if hunting or something falls on her day I don't mind taking him back .

I don't think it was wrong of her to ask, I don't think it is wrong for OP to say no she isn't comfortable about him staying away but I don't think it is fair for the OP to bring the 'I think she is on to a good thing anyway' side into it - if you aren't happy about not getting paid/amount of work being done for the rides then change that separately.

 

[Clannad48]

I know someone who had a sharer on the same terms as the OP, no financial charges as the owner did not want it to seem as if there was a 'contract', just requested to poo pick, exercise and occasionally help with another horse. The sharer used to bring in food, carrots, licks and treats, and on one occasion some new grooming kit as a way of repaying the owner as and when she could afford it. She took exceptional care of the horse when it was her 'turn', very reliable and responsible. (She could not have a horse of her own for various reasons which were perfectly reasonable and understandable)

The owner took it the wrong way and thought the sharer was trying to 'take over' her horse, she ended the share but the sharer was immediately snapped up by someone else on the yard and is still sharing with them ten years down the line.

 

[Wiz201]

I think OP you're making this more of an issue than it needs to be, either say yes or no and have done with it. Don't start going into she doesn't pay for this and that, you never asked her to pay anything officially in the first place.

 

[conniegirl]

Sorry op but I think you are being somewhat unreasonable! It is absolutely your right to say no however There is no harm in her asking.
As for making things awkward it does seem like you are the one making things awkward by getting a hump on about a perfectly reasonable question!
If you are unhappy with the rest of your share arrangement then you need to change it or end the share

Tbh if I was the sharer and saw this post you'd be short one sharer very quickly! Nothing quite like taking a sharer for granted! you don't have the intimate details of her financial situation to be able to judge her!
As a student I survived on my student loan and a small amount of support from my parents, my course meant that I couldn't have a part time job due to the course load. I had no money to spare and worked my behind off during the holidays but I had a lot of technology due to my dyslexia and a grant allowing me to buy a top end computer to run the software I needed to enable me to take the course. However my parents normally gave me a birthday present of a small holiday and aunts etc chipped in with gifts like clothes and course books so it probably looked like I was fairly well off
If you want a financial contribution or even just a few bags of feed each month then you need to change your agreement but be aware you may well lose a good reliable sharer over it

 

[teabiscuit]

See I don't think it's reasonable to ask to take someone else's horse away. If something goes wrong it's the owner picking up the pieces. The sharer gets to walk away.

 

[Wiz201]

Sorry op but I think you are being somewhat unreasonable! It is absolutely your right to say no however There is no harm in her asking.
As for making things awkward it does seem like you are the one making things awkward by getting a hump on about a perfectly reasonable question!
If you are unhappy with the rest of your share arrangement then you need to change it or end the share

Tbh if I was the sharer and saw this post you'd be short one sharer very quickly! Nothing quite like taking a sharer for granted! you don't have the intimate details of her financial situation to be able to judge her!
As a student I survived on my student loan and a small amount of support from my parents, my course meant that I couldn't have a part time job due to the course load. I had no money to spare and worked my behind off during the holidays but I had a lot of technology due to my dyslexia and a grant allowing me to buy a top end computer to run the software I needed to enable me to take the course. However my parents normally gave me a birthday present of a small holiday and aunts etc chipped in with gifts like clothes and course books so it probably looked like I was fairly well off
If you want a financial contribution or even just a few bags of feed each month then you need to change your agreement but be aware you may well lose a good reliable sharer over it

Agree!

 

[Clannad48]

Agree^

 

[teabiscuit]

Don't agree /\ : p

Sorry, I'm on my phone and had to improvise the tent symbol: )

 

[Wiz201]

See I don't think it's reasonable to ask to take someone else's horse away. If something goes wrong it's the owner picking up the pieces. The sharer gets to walk away.

Don't agree /\ : p

Sorry, I'm on my phone and had to improvise the tent symbol: )

But all the OP had to do was say no? We're not making the OP say yes, we're just highlighting the fact that she's made it more of an issue than it needs to be. OP, say no and continue the original share arrangement.

 

[conniegirl]

See I don't think it's reasonable to ask to take someone else's horse away. If something goes wrong it's the owner picking up the pieces. The sharer gets to walk away.

But it's exactly the same with a loan or taking the horse competing or heck taking a horse out on the roads round his home. Sharer or loaner can always walk away if it goes wrong.
No I wouldn't let a sharer take mine away for any length of time but I wouldn't be offended if asked

 

[ester]

Things could go wrong with the sharer hacking anywhere, not necessarily 'away'. As I said it's perfectly fine not to be happy with the horse going, but not to be slighted that the sharer asked.

 

[teabiscuit]

It's not the same. The op didn't go out looking for someone to compete/ take her horse away.
Regarding loaning, I've been bitten on the old pooper with that so I'm probably a bit cautious. Sent out a picture of health, got a hat rack back. Same old story. But to continue the cliche theme, one bitten twice shy and it'll never happen to one of mine again for sure

 

[HashRouge]

It's not the same. The op didn't go out looking for someone to compete/ take her horse away.
Regarding loaning, I've been bitten on the old pooper with that so I'm probably a bit cautious. Sent out a picture of health, got a hat rack back. Same old story. But to continue the cliche theme, one bitten twice shy and it'll never happen to one of mine again for sure

But I just don't understand what is so wrong about asking? All the OP has to do is say no if she isn't happy, problem solved .

The sharer can't know if the answer would be yes or no if she doesn't ask. I never take offence at people asking me things...I save that for people who do things without asking!

 

[honetpot]

Sorry op but I think you are being somewhat unreasonable! It is absolutely your right to say no however There is no harm in her asking.
As for making things awkward it does seem like you are the one making things awkward by getting a hump on about a perfectly reasonable question!
If you are unhappy with the rest of your share arrangement then you need to change it or end the share

Tbh if I was the sharer and saw this post you'd be short one sharer very quickly! Nothing quite like taking a sharer for granted! you don't have the intimate details of her financial situation to be able to judge her!
As a student I survived on my student loan and a small amount of support from my parents, my course meant that I couldn't have a part time job due to the course load. I had no money to spare and worked my behind off during the holidays but I had a lot of technology due to my dyslexia and a grant allowing me to buy a top end computer to run the software I needed to enable me to take the course. However my parents normally gave me a birthday present of a small holiday and aunts etc chipped in with gifts like clothes and course books so it probably looked like I was fairly well off
If you want a financial contribution or even just a few bags of feed each month then you need to change your agreement but be aware you may well lose a good reliable sharer over it

I have loaned and shared my ponies and I have always made it quite clear from the start that I have total veto of anything they do. The thing is even people who class themselves as experienced can completely ******* a horse without knowing what they have done wrong, loading, traveling and then riding a horse in a strange place, the quite happy hacker can turn into a demon. A couple of times I have taken something that I would have called sensible out as a precursor to going out to a competition and ended being towed around for three hours. Then who pays for any bills if there was an injury, damage to lorry or just spending your time worrying that everything is OK. Someone I know took her horse to the beach the first time she took it out and it swam out to sea and the coast guard had to head it off.
The fact that the sharer has never bothered to buy anything for the horse would ring alarm bells, even poor students manage to find money for things they want,( I have had two so I know) and carrots are cheap. I am a pretty laid back person, I have had some wonderful loaners but also a fair few that thought they knew better that me and I had to pick up the pieces so now I just can not be bothered and I had a small child I certainly would be looking for a virtually risk free sharer.
I would just say no politely, and say I would be too anxious, but do not be surprised the sharer goes else where, the grass is always greener somewhere else and there will be someone advising her that you are being unreasonable.

 

[teabiscuit]

I don't think the op took offence, just thought it was a bit çheeky. And the op thought the response to her answer was a bit off too.
That would get right up my conk.
But I'm older and wiser than I used to be. I'm more aware of being taken advantage of these days. I can only say it as I see it.

 

[Arzada]

I don't think the op took offence, just thought it was a bit çheeky. And the op thought the response to her answer was a bit off too.
That would get right up my conk.
But I'm older and wiser than I used to be. I'm more aware of being taken advantage of these days. I can only say it as I see it.

If the OP didn't take offence I can't see why she brought up the matter of no voluntary contributions of feed/carrots. What was the sharer's response to her answer?