Sharer issue - am I being unreasonable??

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Jellyhead

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I need some advice from you helpful people.....I have a bit of a dilemma with the person sharing/part loaning one of my horses and need some advice as to how to go about speaking to him about it without causing any upset.

I am 6 months pregnant and therefore unable to ride. I think my sharer is great and a lovely guy - he’s been riding my horse since May and gets on brilliantly with him and is teaching him a lot (very green TB). We recently moved yards to a new place as the last place had no facilities and it was better for the horse and sharer so he can hack out etc. Each horse has their own small paddock so we have 2 paddocks - my 2 boys share one whilst the other is rested and they are rotated each week. The turnout is across the road from the main yard (couple of mins walk). My sharer has carte blanche to do whatever he wants with my horse – he can ride 7 days a week as far as I am concerned, hack, jump etc etc and I’ve told him to basically treat him as his own. I haven’t asked for any money towards his keep/shoes etc although he has agreed to start paying me from this month which will be a big help but having help and someone who’ll look after my boy is more important to me. He’s obviously looking at it as a long term thing as he’s already planning on events for next year which from my point of view is great as I really like him and my horse has come on loads since he’s been riding him.

Upto now I have been able to keep on top of jobs like poo picking, fetching water etc across myself but now am really starting to struggle. The boys are both out 24/7 currently so really that’s the only ‘chores’ which need to be done. I’m trying to poo pick the fields daily otherwise it’s a big job for me in my condition. When I got there yesterday he was on his way out on a hack, so I filled the waters up (which is a killer for me) and did the field (although he pushed the full barrow back to the yard after putting the horse back out). After that he said he needed to get home however the field still needed to be finished and more water taken over – so I was left doing that when he went. When I got home I was knackered and in a lot of pain. If I ask him to do these jobs he will do them - and that's the niggle - I feel like have to ask. I don’t expect him to do it every day but feel like I am nagging by asking, and that if I didn’t ask it just wouldn’t get done or would be left to me. I also get the feeling that he thinks I’m being a bit OTT by doing the field everyday but as I say it’s a lot easier to keep on top of then. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that I shouldn’t have to ask for this stuff to be done – should it be automatically on his radar to do it anyway or is that just me??

So basically I need to speak to him about it and ask him to do more - I do have high standards when it comes to looking after my boys and like things to be done well and I can’t leave a job half done (hence having to finish the field last night). Again, am I being unreasonable expecting someone who is sharing to have to live up to my expectations/standards? I really don’t want to lose him as he’s teaching my boy lots but how do I approach the subject tactfully without upsetting him? Thanks in advance!
 
Tricky. You have a good rider who is putting in the time to teach your green horse and sounds like he's doing a fine job of it. Under normal circumstances you might have to pay for a rider/trainer such as this ... sooo what I would do is either ask him if he would do the work in exchange for a discounted share price (or instead of paying you anything) or still have him pay for the share and use some of the money to pay someone to do the chores every day.
 
mmm, difficult one, I am very fussy as well and have to do the pooh picking and water every day, but of all the people on the yard I am one of only 2 that does this.
Perhaps you need to ask him in a non confrontational way and say something along the lines of ''I know people may think I am fussy, but I don't like it when the pooh picking gets to be a massive job especially as I am finding it very hard work." See what he says!
 
He probably doesn't want to interfere-I wouldn't be tell the owner I'd do the jobs either in case they wanted to do them. Just ring him and say btw, struggling a bit with the jobs like x, y, z more than I thought I would be-would you be able to take over these jobs? Don't make him do the field every day, but stipulate it needs to be cleared totally weekly and then he can fit it in round his life. Also, if you don't want to lose him and he is essentially schooling your horse, I'd be very careful about demanding things as technically it's probably more like you should be paying him.
 
I had this a bit with a sharer for my horse. She was a good rider, but really didn't pull her weight when it came to chores, always choosing the day in winter that she knew we had a groom and that there would be no jobs, then rushing off to go out afterwards. In the end I felt a bit as though it was all her way and ended it. It wasn't as far advanced as your share though.

I would be honest, tell him you're really struggling and suffering for doing these jobs, and that you need him to do a bit more before he goes out riding. He may not have realised.

Yes he may be doing the horse good, but he is on a good deal and getting a lot of enjoyment back..
 
When I was pregnant I found I was happier charging sharers a little more and then separately paying someone to do chores - when you're paying someone it's much easier to be picky (there is nothing wrong with being picky!) and ask them to do things your way.
Maybe worth considering - or have a sensible chat with him and see if maybe another sharer a day or two a week wouldn't impact his riding but would give you cash to pay for chores.
He may not realise you need help (having never been pregnant himself) or he may be worried about offending you by suggesting you aren't up to it (my OH worried about this quite a bit as I was hormonally biting his head off for no reason!!)
 
I would tell him that you are struggling to do all the chores because you are pregnant (from what I've inferred that is true) and so would he mind doing them for you whilst you are unable to.

Tbh, being a bloke, he may not have realised that you'll be struggling to lift heavy stuff etc and might be mortified when he realises.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect him to do the jobs, otherwise he has an exceptionally good deal- he's been told to treat your horse like his own, doesn't have to pay anything and doesn't have to do many chores!
 
There are 2 view points to this one.
To play devils advocate you are getting a decent rider to educate your horse for free - many people have to pay for that! Not only that but this guy is also starting to contribute financially too? That is not such a bad deal for you.

What about using the money he contributes to pay a teenager to do some poo picking / water filling?
 
Talk to him and be honest. Explain that you are very happy with him riding your horse and it's a huge load off your mind that the horse is well looked after. Tell him you are struggling with the general jobs though because of the pregnancy and see if he has any ideas. He may offer to help out more, or you may need to compromise a bit or you may find some other solution together.

BTW don't overdo it with the carrying/pushing. I did my back in at 6 months pregnant and it hurt all the way to the end, in part because no physio was willing to do much to me due to the pregnancy. I appreciate that many people continue as normal during pregnancy but, frustrating as it is, that is not true for many others.
 
ah well youve stated your biggest problem.....hes a man ;) ...all need a little encoragement in the tiding/clearing up department!

just point out that you're finding it hard work now your 6 months pregnant....would he mind doing the heavy carrying/lifting for you? you'll still be going down daily to your horses i asume? get the water ready to be taken over so its quick for him...take fencing/wheel barrow down
and may be you could both poo pick every other day....that way he doesnt need to do it every day...but you get a day off every other day?
 
I think his getting a good deal riding when he wants for no money good rider or not, I would just say to him that your finding it difficult to do the field and water everyday and would he mind doing it some days or helping you to do it, I really dont think its much to ask as most sharers do a muck out, haynets and feeds on the days they ride.
 
ihatework said:
There are 2 view points to this one.
To play devils advocate you are getting a decent rider to educate your horse for free - many people have to pay for that! Not only that but this guy is also starting to contribute financially too? That is not such a bad deal for you.

What about using the money he contributes to pay a teenager to do some poo picking / water filling?
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I am with ihatework on this one. Pay a teenager to help a few nights a week. I am doing the same now with my teenage son - paying him £5 an hour to help depoo our 5. That gives me 4 nights cover for £20 and well worth it imo.
 
Pinkvboots said:
I think his getting a good deal riding when he wants for no money good rider or not, I would just say to him that your finding it difficult to do the field and water everyday and would he mind doing it some days or helping you to do it, I really dont think its much to ask as most sharers do a muck out, haynets and feeds on the days they ride.
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OP did say that he is about to start paying a contribution each month which she will welcome. You can't expect a financial contribution and regular chores too imo.
 
Mention to him that you intend to use his financial contribution to pay someone to help with chores. Gives him the option of doing it himself if he wants to. If not, just pay someone else!
 
Hi all

Thanks for your advice - I think I need to talk to him tonight.

With regards to people saying about the financial contribution - I'm not asking him to pay for everything. When I have shared in the past I contributed financially and did all the jobs on my set days. He could have set days but prefers to ride everyday as much as he can as he wants to get my boy fit for doing some BE 90 next year with him. I have moved the boys to a new yard which is further (and more expensive for me) to give him better facilities so I don't think I am being too unreasonable and he was aware when he replied to my ad for a part loaner/sharer that the horse was green. Yes I know he's doing me a favour by schooling my horse, but if I wasn't pregnant I'd be doing that myself so I feel like he's getting as much out of it as I am. Hopefully we can work something out.
 
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Why don't you give him the option of either paying which you can then put towards a helper for chores or doing it himself and not paying anything.
He may think since you can't ride he doesn't want to intrude on your horsey time so leaves you to it.
I think I'd say something along the lines of
I know you had offered to start contributing financially but I thought I'd give you the option of not paying anything and doing a few chores as that's what I'm going to spend the money on because I've found I'm struggling more than I'd expected
 
People are not mind readers and men especially need to to clear In your communication with them.
Tell him that you can't manage the water any more so he will have to start doing it say it nicely not defensively and as for the poo picking I would pay someone if the sharer suits the horse it's worth it.
 
I don't think its unreasonable for someone paying £15-20 to do a bit of poo picking and fill up a water trough when they're getting unlimited use of the horse.
 
I pay £15 a week for one day and have to do mucking out, hay and water! I think you just need to tell him that you really need some help- imo it's quite rude of him not to even offer, especially as you're pregnant.
 
Most sharers have to pay a contribution and do jobs, regardless of how good they are. It sounds like he has an excellent deal here, getting a horse to ride whenever he wants and being able to take it out competing, while doing no chores and making a 'contribution' (presumably not the full cost of the horses keep) every month. Definitely ask him to do more. Especially since you're 6 months pregnant! Chivalry is obviously dead ;)
 
crikey, i was 42 weeks pregnant & on the day i was induced was mucking out at 6.30am. you have to be careful with heavy lifting (ask your midwife for a leaflet on lifting whilst pregnant) esp if you suffer with a bad back like i do :-) agree with paying a teenager although i was to tight & did it all myself :-)
 
Personally when I shared I expected to pay and do the jobs on the day I rode. Perhaps as he's schooling it could be pay or do jobs. Sounds like you're doing the right thing having a chat. Hope it goes well.
 
I would have a chat with him and explain your struggling and would he mind helping out the days he rides. If you've always done the jobs when he's there he may not realise they you need some extra help. I ride my friends horse for her once a week and in return sort the horse out after for her, no money changes hands but it works well as I get something to ride and she gets a night off, so I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect him to help you out with the chores as he shouldn't be getting just to do the fun stuff.
 
A friend on a riding school charges £200 a month for a share in a horse which doesn't include as much freedom as to riding days as yours but does include all chores (ie full livery). Since full livery costs £400 a month round here it is still a good deal. I also have a sharer happily paying £100 a month for 3 days a week riding and she cleans tack and helps with chores too. tbh it costs me that much in shoes alone to have a horse available for someone else to ride.
 
Countrychic said:
Why don't you give him the option of either paying which you can then put towards a helper for chores or doing it himself and not paying anything.
He may think since you can't ride he doesn't want to intrude on your horsey time so leaves you to it.
I think I'd say something along the lines of
I know you had offered to start contributing financially but I thought I'd give you the option of not paying anything and doing a few chores as that's what I'm going to spend the money on because I've found I'm struggling more than I'd expected
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This sounds very reasonable and non-confrontational to me
 
I think he has a very good deal and I expect my sharers to did chores as well as paying, and I paid and chores back in my sharer days.

Just out of interest what was agreed st the start if the share? Was your horse advertised and if so was doing chores mentioned at the start?
 
How about suggesting that now that money is going to be changing hands, you'd like to do a contract/review contract. Invite him for a brew so you can go over the details, and it will give you an opening to talking about what chores you would like him to help with, and you can get it down in black and white, signed.

I currently part loan, and always make an effort to poo pick, muck out, do water, make buckets/haynets up ready when I am there. We pay £80 a month for unlimited riding, and it's much cheaper than owning, and his owner still has to pay for insurance, vet, dentist etc etc so I feel I should help out with chores.
 
tankgirl1 said:
How about suggesting that now that money is going to be changing hands, you'd like to do a contract/review contract. Invite him for a brew so you can go over the details, and it will give you an opening to talking about what chores you would like him to help with, and you can get it down in black and white, signed.

I currently part loan, and always make an effort to poo pick, muck out, do water, make buckets/haynets up ready when I am there. We pay £80 a month for unlimited riding, and it's much cheaper than owning, and his owner still has to pay for insurance, vet, dentist etc etc so I feel I should help out with chores.
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Thanks all for your replies - I didn't get chance to talk to him tonight as he was going out for a hack and by the time he'd got back I'd left. That's a really good idea about having a chat re a contract as at the moment its all just agreed verbally and for all I know there may be things he needs to get off his chest. As I say I really don't want to lose him - he's a great guy and both me and my horse think the world of him and if I was a bit less of a wimp I'd have just come out and said it weeks ago but I hate confrontational situations and so would rather just suffer in silence if you know what I mean!! I actually enjoy doing the bits I can do so am not asking him to do everything (as then I'd feel useless) just the heavy stuff that I'm struggling with and not feel embarrassed to ask for help. Hopefully we can sort something out as I want him to be happy too. I'm kind of hoping this thread will die now as I'm regretting putting it on as I'd be devastated if he read it and was upset by it. Thanks again for your replies.
 
Just one quick reply, and then I will leave the thread to die! I think he would be chuffed to read this as you obviously think very highly of him! The BHS have loan contracts that you can download and amend, this is what we use with our fella. I am sure everything will work out, good luck with your pregnancy x
 
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