Should I give up?

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Sberry

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I have never been what you might call a very confident rider - I have ridden since I was about 7 - had several horses over the years, I am now 55. Seven years ago yesterday my husband died of a massive heart attach - I rode the day after he died and then didn't sit on either of my horses for about 2 years. Sadly one of my horses had to be PTS about 4 years ago and I got another on loan - that one went back after several months as the owner was 'difficult' - I have since purchased another so am back to two - a 24 year old retired eventer which I have had since she was about 9 or 10 and an 8 year old IDxTB. I wouldn't like to add up all the money I have spent on lessons on my own horse, school masters and the mechanical variety! I have spent £100's on NLP coaching, I have read books, listened to tapes, been to clinics on gaining confidence and still I can't ride - I get on and shake with complete terror. My horses are both on what amounts to full livery and the support I get at the yard I am on is amazing - lots of encouragement - but all to no avail. I don't want to give up - but this should be a pleasure not a terror! It costs me a vast amount of money to keep two wonderful field ornaments - has any one on here any suggestions???? Or is it time to call it a day......
 
Poor you that's really sad. I guess the answer to the 'is it time to call it a day' is - do you want to give up? What is your goal/ideal situation? If you don't want to give up - don't. I do sympathise, i've been in a situation where i felt unable to move forward after a horrible accident on my crazy horse involving him going mental when i got on. After that I couldn't make myself get on him without someone there holding him - if there was nobody around I would literally be standing in the yard trying to make myself mount him, crying wiht frustration at not being able to get on my own horse!! I took six months and did the smallest steps in the world (actually this helped my horse too as he was nervous as well) - one day tacking up and just putting my foot in the stirrup was all i had to achieve. Next day, slight bit of weight in the stirrup, give pony a treat, untack. next day a little hop in the stirrup. And so on and so on. It truly worked for both of us, but you have to give yourself time and not put pressure on.

would somehting like that work? you say you shake wiht fear when on them - well maybe the first day your goal is just to sit on for five seconds (make it way easier than you can actually do). The next day, thirty seconds. The next day, lean down and give your horse a treat (or whatever). Next day walk two steps. Etc etc?

Up to you - it worked for me (and visualisation too) - i guess it depends what you want from the situation. Good luck!!
 
Sberry,
I'm 41, don't ride myself anymore, I was never very experienced but could do a bit of w/t/c and the odd jump, gave up in my late teens. Came back to it in my 30s as my daughter really got into it. I was happy just to help with hers but then I thought I might like to start again so I had a lesson about 3 years ago and it was on a 18hh shire. I was pleasantly surprised how much my body remembered (except I kept gripping with my knees lol) but then he buggered off in canter round the school, not scary in theory but I remember briefly looking at the ground and thinking "wow it's a long way down there, if I break my leg who will look after my animals, my family, my job..." so when the lesson ended I just never booked another.

If my daughter lost interest in her horses I would miss them and often thought what I would do, I reckon I would offer a home for a companion so I could continue to love, be around and care for horses but not ride them or feel pressured to ride, but it's different because we've always been DIY livery not full. Is there some way you can take the pressure off yourself so that you can spend nice time with your horses but not ride?
 
A life not riding doesn't need to be a life without horses - do you still enjoy looking after and spending time with them? You could always sell your 8yo to a home where he will be ridden and rehome a rescue horse that can't be ridden. Being around horses is good for the soul, and one day you might feel like getting back on, and it might be when you least expect it. Be easy on yourself, you have been through a tough time!
 
OP I get the feeling you DON'T actually wanna give up???? I think you've beaten yourself up enough and basically told yourself you've "got no confidence".

I don't think that is so ........... I think that inside you there is a whole well of confidence that you didn't even know you had!!! :)

Just a suggestion: but I've got a super trainer who's helped me so much with my confidence. I think you might benefit from having someone actually come out riding with you on say a hack or whatever and actually ride alongside you to give you confidence. You need only go for a very gentle hack to start with, and then maybe work up from there. Little by little is the thing.

I think you WILL get there!!!! Honest.
 
Oh dear - I really feel for you. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you but at 44 am now turning my horsey career towards my daughter and enjoying teaching her.

Is it the horses you have or do you just think any horse would make you feel this way? Is it worth selling the pair you have and buying yourself a lovely cob that you can have fun trundling around on, or is that just not you?

I love competing and felt for ages that I wouldn't be able to just plod around - so just about to embark on the joys of pony showing LR style!

I do hope you find your horsey haven - thinking of you.
 
I'm no psychologist by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm guessing your fear is linked to the stress and sadness of the loss of your husband, and then the stress of the loan owner. Too much stress.

I've lost confidence a couple of times in the last few years. Both times I've got back into it the same way - little steps! In my case, very little steps.

I would tack up and untack. Then next day, tack up and walk the horse around/lunge. Then the next day or so, tack up and walk to the mounting block.

This can go on over time. No pressure, ever, just not thinking about what comes next, just doing what felt right to come next.

I have the advantage of supportive family and friends who have put up with me and encouraged and supported me over the years. Each time I thought that if I didn't do it, then I might as well give up, and I never, ever really wanted to give up. I couldn't ride for six months after breaking my back. Hated it. Waited patiently and that first sit back on... :D :D
 
Its good that your yard is so supportive. How about forgetting the riding for a while & just have a go at ground work, strengthen your bond & trust with the horses & relieve yourself of the stress that getting on board brings. Having a relationship with a horse is supposed to be fun so don't do more than you can cope with & most of all forgive yourself for feeling this way. good luck
 
Echo what the others have said about small, even tiny, steps. Don't push yourself out of your comfort zone too quickly.
Unless you want to give up riding, then as Fallenrose says, you don't have to give up horses, you can always look after/show a pony.
Another way to get some confidence back might be to volunteer with RDA. You will soon realise that actually you are very capable. And it might even be possible to have a sit on a horse which you have just watched being unflappable with a disabled rider.
I've seriously lost my confidence on the roads twice but this Summer I've been solo hacking on my VERY sensible Westphalian for the first time in 20 yrs. And I'm slightly older than you. I do think that as we get older, we become much more cautious.
Good luck!
 
Ditto the others above. Take the stress and the feeling of what you feel you should be doing. Start from scratch and almost like they are two brand new horses you have never seen before. So just spend time grooming them etc, and work up from there. You could get some lessons in long reining them so you can do things from the ground that keep you and the horses interested. Have you thought about driving? Could always have a lesson with a driving instructor and see how you like it? :)

Poster above has excelletn idea - RDA would be great to help out at :)
 
Fallenrose said:
A life not riding doesn't need to be a life without horses - do you still enjoy looking after and spending time with them? You could always sell your 8yo to a home where he will be ridden and rehome a rescue horse that can't be ridden. Being around horses is good for the soul, and one day you might feel like getting back on, and it might be when you least expect it. Be easy on yourself, you have been through a tough time!
Click to expand...

I could not have put it better myself, my sentiments exactly.
 
skint1 said:
Sberry,
I'm 41, don't ride myself anymore, I was never very experienced but could do a bit of w/t/c and the odd jump, gave up in my late teens. Came back to it in my 30s as my daughter really got into it. I was happy just to help with hers but then I thought I might like to start again so I had a lesson about 3 years ago and it was on a 18hh shire. I was pleasantly surprised how much my body remembered (except I kept gripping with my knees lol) but then he buggered off in canter round the school, not scary in theory but I remember briefly looking at the ground and thinking "wow it's a long way down there, if I break my leg who will look after my animals, my family, my job..." so when the lesson ended I just never booked another.

If my daughter lost interest in her horses I would miss them and often thought what I would do, I reckon I would offer a home for a companion so I could continue to love, be around and care for horses but not ride them or feel pressured to ride, but it's different because we've always been DIY livery not full. Is there some way you can take the pressure off yourself so that you can spend nice time with your horses but not ride?
Click to expand...

This is me except I am 11 years older:cool: You don't have to give up but I am sure there are cheaper ways of doing things. I don't think I would choose to do without horses but if my daughter gave up I would probably take on some rescues, or I keep thinking about showing minis:eek::D It must be hard without your husband and you have had a lot to deal with. Sounds to me as if you are actually achieving quite a lot just holding it all together.
 
did not read all the replies but if you have lost the confidence to ride why don't you try something else like driving? Have you ever tried that? Means you can still do something with your horses but perhaps feel a little safer and enjoy it again.
 
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