Should I move yards

[bertin12]

Looking for a bit of advice really..

I've been at my current yard for probably 4 years now. It's no where near the most 'posh' of yards, stables etc are old and bit tatty but fine, but the school is lovely. It's very much a diy yard when it comes to managing your fields, fencing, water & anything else.
It's not a massive yard, max about 15 horses, which I like as I'm naturally a quiet/ shy person so it's nice to get to know few people.

However, I am the youngest there (22) but there are some people who treat me like a kid or talk to me like I've never had a horse in my life & can be patronising. Normally I don't really care but I'm picking up on it more and it's bothering me. It's in no way intentionally meant to be horrible. I've got one really good friend there who I've known for years and we help each other out a lot which is one reason I've not left, but kind of try to avoid everyone else to avoid comments.

I don't know if I should have a look at moving though. There aren't that many small yards around me and where I am now is so convenient as its only 10 mins from home and work, and like I said I'm naturally a very shy person so moving to somewhere new on my own is a bit scary!

If anyone has been in a similar position I'd love to hear experiences

 

[Ali2]

What's to say you won't end up with similar issues if you move? Is there a way you could politely address the patronizing behaviour?

 

[bertin12]

Not really, people don't realise they're doing it and like I said I'm shy despite being there for quite a long time, I'm not the type of person who can bring up that type on conversation.

 

[Spring Feather]

What sort of things are they saying?

 

[muckypony]

What are they saying? I'm also 22 and often find people think that because you're young you must be inexperienced. I'm fortunate that u have 3 youngsters and have bought one on nicely so it kind of shows that I know what I'm doing.

If the comments aren't intentionally hurtful, just humor them whilst you think about his young you are

 

[bertin12]

It's more the way they say things, when they try to offer 'advice' about my horse who's been very complicated & I've ended up retiring him (long story!) when they don't have a clue about his past & when I try to explain they treat me like I don't know what I'm talking about, or silly little things like being moaned at for leaving a gate open/ not closing a gate (not directly into a horses field don't worry!!), and now I'm looking for a new horse I've been told I won't be able to find a 'good' horse without taking certain people with me, because their horses are very well behaved etc etc, even though I've told them my instructor would be coming with me.
Like I said, it's more the way things are said that get to me

 

[LaurenBay]

I'd say they are know it alls rather then patronising.

There's an awful lot in the Horse world so I would stay put if your Horse is happy and facilities are good. There's at least one at every yard unfortunately.

 

[Bede]

If everything else about the yard is good, the best plan might be to grow a thick skin and learn to ignore them.
Good luck with your search for a new horse

 

[Kezzabell2]

There will always be people like that. Just keep yourself to yourself and don't ask for advice from.those sorts, they will always know better, in their eyes. But I'm sad to say there will be people like that where ever you go.

You will get more confident as you get older, im talking from experience. So you take your instructor and find a nice new horse x

 

[Overread]

I'd say they are know it alls rather then patronising.

There's an awful lot in the Horse world so I would stay put if your Horse is happy and facilities are good. There's at least one at every yard unfortunately.

You get them in all walks of life, although I'd say horse world might be more famed for the snooty knowall kinds.


Some are people genuinely trying to help, however they are either offering help very quickly, so they are dumping their advice upon you and not having time/will to hang around the actually discuss things. Others just have a very short clipped way of talking, sometimes they can be fountains of knowledge, but you've got to ask lots of questions to get there.

Some are over-eager to help, they really want to help and are pretty sure in their knowledge. Age differences also come into play (more subconsciously - ergo they don't realise it); and they are not intending to be patronizing, just attempting to help in a poor manner.

The number who are doing it just to show-off or be snooty are likely to be very very few in number in general (although sometimes where you get one or two ring-leaders they can pull a few more along with them).


I'd say you've a few options to consider, depending on the people;

1) Mentally (or better write out) list out who really does do this and drives you up the wall - you might find the list is quite small (ideally). It might even just be one or two people really doing it wrong.
This can help you measure how much a "problem" it is for you.

2) Any who are more eager to advise try cornering at less busy times. Ask them questions and try to simply hold a conversation about the topic. You're not launching into combat; simply explaining your side. Also ask them what their views are, ask them what they'd do - THEN make darn sure you ask why.

The why is all important. Never just accept answers, accept reasoning.
Basically what this is doing is letting you do a couple of things

a) You're engaging with them more so, building a rapport and socialising with them. building bridges helps and many people can mellow when you've got a few bridges built between you.

b) You are learning, not just information; but also who "knows" the reasoning behind things and those who just parrot advice without thinking it through. This is very important for you because its starting to tell you who might be worth listening to on the site because they know their stuff.
It also lets you get a little of an idea of the approach they take - like with all things there are often different schools of thought and different approaches. You don't have to agree with them, but learn that they exist - its perfectly valid to disagree with another when there are two or more approaches to the same situation - and sometimes a different approach can work where one other failed.


I would suspect and hope much of this is people wanting to help. It's a built in thing for most people to want to pass on their knowledge to others- especially to younger generations (it's part of how we've survived and grown as a species). Part of the key is how you approach their input to you - if you start to view it as snide or hostile then that's all it will be to you and it will drag you down fast.

If you start with an optimistic approach you will find things easier. Yes you'll still get a problem person here and there; but you'll hopefully build bridges with many of the others.





If, however, its proving to be a much more serious problem and you can't find any reconsideration then I would say the next port of call is identify the problem people and then speak to the YO. Sometimes a quiet word from the right person fixes things; and if it doesn't then you can consider looking to move to a new yard. I would persevere though because I suspect that the prospect of moving to a new yard "feels" the easier even though it might not be. So face some of your own deamons and try to fix things the social way - who knows you might end up having a great time and make some firmer friends along the way.

 

[Mrs G]

There will always be people like that. Just keep yourself to yourself and don't ask for advice from.those sorts, they will always know better, in their eyes. But I'm sad to say there will be people like that where ever you go.

You will get more confident as you get older, im talking from experience. So you take your instructor and find a nice new horse x

Couldn't have put it better myself; this is so very true.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

It's more the way they say things, when they try to offer 'advice' about my horse who's been very complicated & I've ended up retiring him (long story!) when they don't have a clue about his past & when I try to explain they treat me like I don't know what I'm talking about, or silly little things like being moaned at for leaving a gate open/ not closing a gate (not directly into a horses field don't worry!!), and now I'm looking for a new horse I've been told I won't be able to find a 'good' horse without taking certain people with me, because their horses are very well behaved etc etc, even though I've told them my instructor would be coming with me.
Like I said, it's more the way things are said that get to me

Don't discuss your reasons for doing things with them. If they offer advice, thank them and then do your own thing. As for the accompanying you to viewings just thank them for the offer and say that your RI is going with you. Use a polite but firm tone and they won't pester you.
Unfortunately if you move yards, you will probably get the same kind of thing, because these people react to the way you respond to them.

Good luck in your horse search

 

[Landcruiser]

You say you are very shy - you'll still be shy wherever you go. Have you thought about assertiveness training? Not sure it's still called that, (I did it about 30 years ago!), but maybe something like this to improve your confidence. As others have said, you'll get insensitive types wherever you go, so you'd be better off staying where you are settled and addressing the issue from where you are.

 

[el_Snowflakes]

I would stay put, be your usual polite self but don't tell them about your problems/plans for your new horse etc. By telling them you make it their business.

 

[Kati*89]

I wouldn't move, seems like you have a good set-up and to have a good friend there too is invaluable...just think if you move elsewhere and don't have their support.
Like others have said I think you just have to learn to let it pass over you....if people offer an opinion, just nod say ok, thanks and carry on with what you want to do..it doesn't have to be confrontational at all. Just enjoy your horse and your friend if you don't want to interact with anyone else, then don't, just be polite.
It could be a whole lot worse - sometimes people just think they know the answers...I am sure it isn't spiteful!

 

[fatpiggy]

You will inevitably get exactly the same if you move yards - better the devil you know. If people say they doubt your experience in whatever, just tell them that is why you are getting professional assistance. You could always try telling the know it alls, just in passing of course about your friend at another yard who was bought a horse with the assistance of another livery there and it all went pear-shaped and now its going to court - you may find they recognise themselves and back off from you!!

 

[Scarlett]

It's more the way they say things, when they try to offer 'advice' about my horse who's been very complicated & I've ended up retiring him (long story!) when they don't have a clue about his past & when I try to explain they treat me like I don't know what I'm talking about, or silly little things like being moaned at for leaving a gate open/ not closing a gate (not directly into a horses field don't worry!!), and now I'm looking for a new horse I've been told I won't be able to find a 'good' horse without taking certain people with me, because their horses are very well behaved etc etc, even though I've told them my instructor would be coming with me.
Like I said, it's more the way things are said that get to me

To be honest you will still get spoken to like that when your 32, 42, 52... It's just life. People have opinions and will voice them - you will, as you get older, learn to deal with it a bit better. I'm in my 30's and people still get to me but I'm much better at dealing with it.

As far as they are concerned they are offering advice and help - I wish I had listed to a few folk at your age, it's only now I realise how many mistakes I made.

 

[Fjord]

I think Overread has given the perfect answer.

 

[Steorra]

I think this kind of person crops up everywhere, but you can control your interactions with them so that they aren't undermining you. If they are yard acquaintances rather than your friends then be polite, neutral and unavailable.

"Thanks, it's interesting to hear a different perspective. Sorry to dash off but I need to tack up now or I won't have time to ride tonight."

"I'll think that over and look it up when I get home. Just heading off now. Have a great ride/nice evening."

"Sure, my instructor and I are working on that. I'll let you know how we get on. Actually, that reminds me, we have homework exercises to do, must crack on."

You don't have to be unsociable. When I'm at the yard I ask about weekend plans, make the occasional nice comment about someone's horse, lend a hand carrying water-buckets etc. But if someone gets pushy I disengage - I'm there to have a nice time and look after my pony, not be bossed about or gossip.