So disappointed - is this a sign of things to come?

Ravenwood

Ravenwood

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This weekend my daughter (12) has chosen to go to the school disco over evening Pony Club rally. She is then going to stay at a friends house that night and all day Saturday therefore missing her chance to take her new pony out hunting for the first time (foxhounds meet opposite us). Even worse she has arranged to stay at the same friends on Saturday night aswell knowing that I am jumping my horse at RC on Sunday and would really appreciate her help. (Have to admit I am not looking forward to boxing her on my own!).

I am really surprised at how much this has upset me . Do kids ever show any appreciation?
 
I've left my mum to do mine for a week and a half and i feel so guilty
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I wish i was doing him!! But sometimes 'teenagers' need space, and time away from horses just to be 'normal' ..... she obviously made her priorities herself this weekend, and it's difficult to say you must do the horses, as she may take it the wrong way! If you weren't horsey at all then that would be different, but because she can rely on you to do the horses for her, maybe she feels as though she can go out and have fun more often than someone whose mum isn't horsey?

lol! did that make sense? probably not!!!
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But sometimes 'teenagers' need space, and time away from horses just to be 'normal' .....

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So true. My daughter sometimes has to do other things apart from her ponies just to stay current with peer group.
Social things start to matter at that age
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Its hard isn't it?..

My daughter just doesn't have the same passion for ponies that I did. She loves them, loves her weekly lessons, loves her ponies but hasn't got that passion for spending every spare moment with them that I did. I wonder if its because they are so available to her whereas they weren't to me (non-horsey family), but at the end of the day they've got to want it haven't they. I resigned myself to the fact that daughter can take it or leave it..I love having the ponies and have them as much for me as for her so don't begrudge having them. I've had 2 of my ponies back home for the last month...my daughter has been out to see them approx 3 times
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ATM, straightening her hair and checking her makeup seem to be taking priority...maybe its just a stage they're going through
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But sometimes 'teenagers' need space, and time away from horses just to be 'normal' .....

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So true. My daughter sometimes has to do other things apart from her ponies just to stay current with peer group.
Social things start to matter at that age
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Yep...agree with that
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I know how you feel!

If it's of any help we arranged "me weekends" once a month during which she can spend her time as she likes, with no horses if she prefers. They are booked in in advance through the year but can be altered if a party comes up which isn't on one of the designated weekends. It's worked reasonably well, given that I want her to continue with horses and I don't want her hanging round in the city centre drinking and smoking which is what her peers seem to do (she's a little older than your daughter). She is able to do non-horsy things at other times but has to arrange them around pre-booked shows, rallies, training etc.
 
I think if you stick it out,like TimeFaulter said unfortunately peer pressure is the deciding factor at that age, just don't make such a big deal, and then it wont become a problem.
Oh and they are never actually grateful, my 17yo stepdaughter, went hunting on New Year on my mare, hasnt been near since then, and then texts me the other day to ask if I can take her to a show so her mates can watch!!!!!
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I let her Dad deal with that one!!!
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Since I was 13 I had to work to contribute to my first pony (who I got as a 'well done' present when I was 10 for doing well in exams!!) and cycled to the yard twice a day, every day to do her. I hardly ever stayed at friends because I knew I had to do my pony but I didnt mind because I loved doing it all. None of my friends really understood and although they had horses their parents used to look after them and even tack up and untack... all the kids had to do was ride, if they felt like it. Now Im 20 I still have my 'little old pony' and another horse that I compete and hunt. I could never sell them and have a full time job and part time bar job so I can afford them. ALL my friends whos mummys did all the work have sold their horses and lost interest. I dont really know where I was going with this and didnt reaslise quite how long it was (!!!!). I think Im trying to say that I still had fun and had very good friends (who im still close to) and also looked after my pony and was very dedicated to her. Sorry, that was a very long winded reply!!
 
At 12 years old my daughter started to loose interest. Wanted to be with her friends and go out with then to the shops etc. Has never come back to it she's 21 now. Such a shame as she was a lovely rider. Glad I'd never bought the pony for her as we'd just been considering it at the time.
 
Unfortunately, it often happens. Sometimes, having your horses provided without even having to ask, and the assumption that horses will always be there if they just want to play about, makes some kids simply take the whole thing for granted.

I think if one comes from an unhorsy family and had to beg and work for one's pony, arguably, one appreciates it more.
 
It nice to know I am not alone!!

I completely understand that her friends are very important to her and luckily she does have some horsey ones as well. It just the fact that she decided to stay away for a whole weekend with the same person when there was so much she could have done here at home with the pony. Surely she could have just stayed one night or another weekend.

I think it is Sod's Law that if ponies are part of a child's everyday life - they can take it or leave it but for those kids with non horsey parents they would love the chance we give our children.
 
no advice for the girl other than to give her space, i gave up in my teens, after getting to national champ standard and spending all my dads money! the pressure to compete was huge and my dad frowned when i went out socially which just put a wedge between us.however i came back to it last year as an adult, and my dad was delighted as all that time effort and money wasnt wasted, it also makes me feel like a teenager again!!!
 
I'm on the other side - begged for a pony for years, and then got one when I was 16. Never a chance of loosing interest as I was at Boarding school, so I could do the pony 3 days a week and all summer, and still have a normal life! Now I am am 21 and I still have her!
 
I must say I totally agree with Demolition Derby, I got my first horse at 15 and had to do everything myself, as my family really arent horsey at all. 10 years later I still have her and another, and one for my husband and the pony we bought as a companion for my mare!! Yet so many people I knew who had horses because their parents did, or who had parents who helped them out loads, gave up long ago!
 
If it's all handed on a plate it will be taken for granted in most cases. I came from a non horsey family and was only ever able to manage one lesson a fortnight until I was able to WORK in order to afford a horse on loan etc. My mum was disabled etc so bus jorneys all day up to three times a day, waitressing right until I was 17.

The novelty of horses has never worn off for me but I'm sure it would have if I'd been brought a pony and all the rest when I was a kid.
 
I was the same as you Ravenwood, I had to wait until I was 15 till I got my 1st & lived for every moment once I'd got one!

I do think it's different if you have ponies as a child.

A girl at work has 4 daughters (they live on a farm and mother didn;t have horse when growing up so kids have had them from babies) There is only one daughter that's remotely interested now.

Bear with your daughter & let her have her space, she'll come round
 
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I must say I totally agree with Demolition Derby, I got my first horse at 15 and had to do everything myself, as my family really arent horsey at all. 10 years later I still have her and another, and one for my husband and the pony we bought as a companion for my mare!! Yet so many people I knew who had horses because their parents did, or who had parents who helped them out loads, gave up long ago!

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echo that. i got my first horse at 15 after years and years of begging my parents to buy me one.!! i'm 27 now and still as dedicated as ever..!! my parents are totally un-horsey so i never had any pony club or such-like when i was younger.
you have to give your kids the chance to do non horsey things if they want to, it is possible - i did both and am still doing it now.!!
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No appreciation whatsoever, sadly this is even worse when they have had ponies since young, on a plate to some respect.

My daughters pony she had on loan was not getting used enough and she now has two mininatures instead.

She is only 8 but very take it or leave it although is dedicated with their day to day care, mucking out etc. At 12 I expect your daughter to be more interested in her friends (especially if they are not horsey either!).

The best thing is to take a step back and try not to wish for what you want, as long as they dont give up altogther, dont ram it down their throat or they wont bother at all.

i have said when daughter is old enough to do everything for a bigger one herself again and wants to ride then I will find something but until then she can borrow or go to the local school!!

The minis give me companions which i need occasionally if competing on the others and if she fancies going out or I dont fancy jumping then we take them out and have some fun, its nicer and less pressure!!
 
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Oh and they are never actually grateful, my 17yo stepdaughter, went hunting on New Year on my mare, hasnt been near since then, and then texts me the other day to ask if I can take her to a show so her mates can watch!!!!!
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I let her Dad deal with that one!!!
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That was exactly my point! My comment really wasn't meant to be rude!! If she doesn't really seem keen on horses then why should she expect you to keep looking after it and paying for it?! If you choose to keep it and pay for it if she has completely lost interest (but this may not be the case, may be a temporary blip), then that is your choice.
 
I know how you feel. This is begining to happen in out family too, mind you my daughter is 16 1/2. I dont think she will give up completely. I just think she is finding the presure of A'levels too much.

We have put her young TB out on loan with a view to buy and she has gone back to riding our old mother and daughter hack. She did mention when the TB goes she may not even be too fussed about replacing her, although I think if the right one came along she might change her mind.

You just dont want to make an issue out of it. The only thing I would get straight is that if she is going to be staying away it must be arranged in good time. My daughter knows if she is going out horses still have to be done and as I work long hours some concessions have to be made (excellent responsibility lesson).

Also I expect her to help and support me if I do any riding club events, particulalry after all the hours and hours I spent ferrying her about and standing arround in the cold!

Saying that she went out to a valentine sleep over last night. She has just texted me to say she is home and is going for a blast to cure her hangover before she does the poo picking!

12 is a funny age, not quite a teenager , but no longer a child, I expect she just wants to feel part of the crowd. It does make you feel horrid though.
 
Let her go.
At 12 she has to build her own identity, separate herself from you...she can't do that with horses...as they are part of you, so has to find other ways to express herself.
You can't make your daughter who you want her to be...she'll be who she is regardless....so you may as well go with the flow!
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Take the pressure off her, go to the show, do well and then see how guilty she feels about abandoning you! Maybe talk her through how much you wd have apppreciated her company and could she liaise with you next time so everyone is happy?
My 11 yr old son got his pony two years ago. I never force him to ride her and as a result he wants to at the weekends...he even cleans tack and mucks out. (AHhhh! Bless!)
I'm an Apalacia case grew up in a totally non-horsey vicarage family(NO money, 6 children!!)...beg/stole/borrowed rides until I could buy my own after uni. Still horsemad at 48! I longed for H to have a pony but waited until he begged me for one. It helps that we are taught by a male event rider... I think that inspired him. He also LOVES xc...dressage is NOT so popular!
 
I found that when I was younger all my friends who had 'horsey' mums seemed to take it for granted a lot more. They would moan about doing chores and ride as and when they pleased. Most of them eventually lost interest.

I got my first horse when I was 14 and devoted every spare moment to him. It took me years to prove to my mum I was capable of having my own, I also got a saturday job to help towards his keep.

Unfortunatly I lost the horse after 18months due to colic and my parents couldnt afford to get me another. 8 years later I got my own again.

I see it with a lot of the kids at the yard, those whose parents come down dont show as much interest as those who have to prove themselfs capable of having a horse to their parents. One girl had her aunties pony on part loan but her auntie wanted to put it on full loan which the girls parents could not afford. She brings about 5 horses in every day, does loads at the weekend just to pay for the pony, and she is the one who appreciated her pony the most.

While they need time with their friends, I personally think that if children can not be bothered to care for the ponys every need then they should not have one. Horses are a huge responsibility that can not be picked up and dropped when you feel like it.

This might just be a one off, she may be getting pressure from her friends to spend time with them. I would just see how it goes for now and let her enjoy herself this week.
 
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