So much for family helping in the hour of need. I need a hug..

RuthnMeg

RuthnMeg

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Went to see darling daddy dear (ddd) this morning. He owns a nice beef farm, with land and stables only a 5 min drive away.
I rent land, from a 'not-so-nice (nsn) person/people' 15 mins drive away (now that I have moved house).
Hey, hang on a min... did I hear what you are thinking? Take horses from N-S-N persons, and put them into ddd farm!? Yeah, makes sense that!!

So, the answer is,..... nope! Possibly only 2 'ponies' allowed. What 2? I have 3! Oh, don't worry, have Juno pts! Just cos she is the oldest... it is NOT her time right now!
To give ddd credit, the step mum (sm) has had a BIG say in this. Ddd backs down, a lot when sm has her say.
BUT, I can't cpmplain, as sm has often said she will have my children if I want a few hours break?! Eh??

And mixing into this is my mum. She is looking to move, just so that she can help me with the mares, when we GO TO DDD farm. Plans on hold til further notice.
Letter has been written, about to deliever it to ddd. Some things I wanted to say in person, I couldn't, so better get it all written down.

I AM NOT ASKING FOR THE MOON, just 2 acres to graze the girls.... and I am offering to work on the farm in lue of, which I thought was a good idea, but it seems ddd would rather pay me. And here was me thinking money saving plans?...
See that window?? Watch closely as my plans have just flown out.... Bugger.
 
Have to admit if he has the land and stables I can't see why it would be a prob?! Assuming he won't be loosing income by letting you use the facilities and wouldn't have to actually do them - then beef farms are usually pretty big places so I wonder if he would notice the loss of two acres so much!

I think a letter sounds a really good idea, sometimes it is so hard to get out clearly and calmly what you want to say in the heat of the moment especially when it is a situation that is important to you.

Good luck, hope he sees sense!
 
Personally I'd never expect my family to give me anything just because he has land why should he? If they offered I'd be grateful but I certainly wouldn't expect it from them. Might just be me but if your dad doesn't want your horses on his land then it's his choice. When I visit my brother or sister in London I cannot take my dogs with me because they don't want them in their houses, not a problem its their home so why would I expect them to tolerate my dogs? Same way I don't want their kids staying at my house either, we're not bothered about each others choices. :confused:

He might give you the land through obligation but does that really make for a happy situation you knowing he really isn't giving it willingly?
 
joeanne said:
She isn't asking for a handout!
OP has already stated she would work in return for the use of the land.....
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Did I say she had? Even if she's paying rent or working if he doesn't want her horses on the land then that's entirely his choice. She's obviously an adult so why expect her father to provide for her? Guess it's me that was taught to look after myself and not expect things and be grateful for what my parents have already given me, I certainly wouldn't want my family knowing I'd gone onto a forum and slagged them off for being selfish.
 
umm, maybe i'm wrong here but if my parents had land and stables I WOULD expect to keep my horses there. Obviously every family relationship is different but it would just go without saying!
Might sm have issues with your real mum coming to her home to do your horses maybe?

My O/H's grandparents have a field on my way to work which would just be perfect (i would pay they are not my family!) but he is not close to them so wont ask :-( but i can see how disappointing having the "possibility" but not the actual thing!
 
The major problem is that I am allowed 2 not 3 ponies, so would have to have Juno pts. The other prob, is that on his own ddd doesn't appear to mind, but sm does.
This was digusted months ago - a reason for me moving house closer to him. It was fine as we were all saving money. Travel, rent and him paying someone to help on the farm, where I am happy to do it for free. The stable yard is a state, and needs tlc, something I am more than happy to do, but things like that don't register with them, for which I am cross particually when they say they want it to be a tidy farm!
I am not expecting hand outs in any way shape or form, but it is disheartening when your plans don't quite work out how you expected them to. It seems odd that from an outsiders point, it seems a perfect set up for all, yet there are so many hurdles, of which don't make sense, in the way.

And yes, sm is not keen on having mum visit, but the yard is not close to the house and she'd hardly know we were there anyway!
 
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I can see why you're disappointed OP, I would be too. I hope you can find something else to solve your problem.
 
Just delivered the letter. Couldn't stay, would have got all emotional again.
Feel sick to my stomach now, and so so disapointed.
My mum hasn't handled this at all well, and I worry for her, I really do. One day I swear she won't wake up in the morning. She has lost weight (didn't have much to lose) and she looks thin and tired. What the heck do I do now?
 
And yes, sm is not keen on having mum visit,
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Ah-ah!

I can hear the conversation now

DDD - "Darling daughter (Dd) has moved and wants to keep her ponies here"
SM - "Does that mean that Her Mother (HM) will be coming too"
DDD - "Probably, HM helps with the ponies"
SM - "Over my dead body - don't want That Woman anywhere near MY house"
DDD - "But it makes sense for DD to keep them here .................."
SM - "Only if HM doesn't come near"
DDD - "Perhaps Dd won't need help if there are only a couple of ponies"

Poor DDD is stuck between a rock and a hard place.
 
I can't believe someones dad would suggest having a pony put to sleep in order to have one less out of 3 on a paddock!!! :eek:
To be honest, I know that if it were my family they would question me if I DIDNT keep my horses on their land! They would think I am bonkers to pay someone else money when they would only have to sacrifice a couple of acres out of probably a few hundred.
I really hope you get it sorted hun, sounds like a difficult situation to stay tactful in! Really hope your mum is ok too. x
 
Sagittarius said:
Ah-ah!

I can hear the conversation now

DDD - "Darling daughter (Dd) has moved and wants to keep her ponies here"
SM - "Does that mean that Her Mother (HM) will be coming too"
DDD - "Probably, HM helps with the ponies"
SM - "Over my dead body - don't want That Woman anywhere near MY house"
DDD - "But it makes sense for DD to keep them here .................."
SM - "Only if HM doesn't come near"
DDD - "Perhaps Dd won't need help if there are only a couple of ponies"

Poor DDD is stuck between a rock and a hard place.
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Could be true. Sad isn't it. Mum was dads first marriage, sm is dads third, so it shouldn't effect their relationship as when divorced sm wasn't part of the furniture, if you catch my drift. Over the age of 60, they should behave and be ammicable towards each other. I guess that might be too much to ask.
And, the stables is hardly the farm house, I still don't get it, sadly. Maybe I seek too much in the goodness of all people. Stupid really.
 
doris2008 said:
I can't believe someones dad would suggest having a pony put to sleep in order to have one less out of 3 on a paddock!!! :eek:
To be honest, I know that if it were my family they would question me if I DIDNT keep my horses on their land! They would think I am bonkers to pay someone else money when they would only have to sacrifice a couple of acres out of probably a few hundred.
I really hope you get it sorted hun, sounds like a difficult situation to stay tactful in! Really hope your mum is ok too. x
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Thankyou, and yes, thats how I see it to. My emotions are everywhere, need a glass of wine but the wrong time of day!
 
TBH If my OH's ex was proposing to come to the place I live with him on a regular basis I'd be furious. I'm all for being great friends with exes (especially where there are joint responsibilities such as children) but for most people that wouldn't be an acceptable situation. For better or for worse your father is building his life with your step mum now and your birth mum probably shouldn't feature too regularly (at all now you're an adult) in that.

Regardless of how convenient/money saving and so forth it might be I think you're going to have to accept (what no one should) and that is that your parents aren't a joint entity any longer. You can't expect them to interact on a day-to-day basis, the farm isn't your mum's home (even if it was before.)

Having said all that I do hope you find somewhere suitable and good value for your horses.
 
Tickles said:
TBH If my OH's ex was proposing to come to the place I live with him on a regular basis I'd be furious. I'm all for being great friends with exes (especially where there are joint responsibilities such as children) but for most people that wouldn't be an acceptable situation. For better or for worse your father is building his life with your step mum now and your birth mum probably shouldn't feature too regularly (at all now you're an adult) in that.

Regardless of how convenient/money saving and so forth it might be I think you're going to have to accept (what no one should) and that is that your parents aren't a joint entity any longer. You can't expect them to interact on a day-to-day basis, the farm isn't your mum's home (even if it was before.)

Having said all that I do hope you find somewhere suitable and good value for your horses.
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What you say is true in so many ways. Who would want their ex visiting on a reg basis? BUT, in this situation is different. Mum and dad have been divorced for 20 odd years, they get on in a polite adult manner, mum and sm have appeared to have got on too, but today sm was making all sorts of excuses and simply being unkind. It is NOT her farm, it is more my farm than hers, (inheritance wise) she is just previlaged to live there! The stables and the farm house are not near each other. I was previously told it 'shouldn't be a problem', so I've moved house as in the first step of moving everything, mum is also planning on moving closer too and dad has said it would be lovely for me to help him to save him labour money. I was under the impression it was fine, then get knocked in the teeth so to speak.
I am closer to my dad now than ever before, I think he knows that too. I just don't know why sm has to speak for him, and speak such rubbish. How can a farm of over 100 acres, feel worried that 3 ponies would eat so much grass that the cows would starve!?
 
Hey m'dear. That sounds like a tough situation. Is your mum ok? Where atre the horses at the moment?

I haven't really got any advice for you but I really hope that everything works out for the best xxx

P.S. Lots of (((((hugs)))))
 
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RuthnMeg said:
It is NOT her farm, it is more my farm than hers, (inheritance wise) she is just previlaged to live there! ............

I am closer to my dad now than ever before, I think he knows that too. I just don't know why sm has to speak for him, and speak such rubbish. How can a farm of over 100 acres, feel worried that 3 ponies would eat so much grass that the cows would starve!?
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TBF to your Dad, his life is with SM now, she is the one he should be listening to and looking out for now especially if you're an adult, you should be perfectly capable of standing on your own two feet and she will see you going there with ponies as an invasion on their lives, a way to worm in; it will worry her, it's human nature to feel that way.
It sounds like you (and others on here too) don't know how precarious things seem/are for a stepmother, particularly where an inheritance might be concerned and particularly if they mean to get what they can out of it. Many will fight tooth and nail to keep what they have got by marriage, especially if there are children from a former marriage involved too. Don't be at all surprised if she tries to persuade him to retire, sell up and get a bungalow somewhere (which will be in her name so you can't touch it, or the proceeds from it) Sounds far fetched? Believe me, it's true and we were very lucky to be able to hang onto here by the skin of our teeth as the original will wasn't changed even though pressure had been put on him to do so. Please don't take your inheritance for granted, he might easily be persuaded to change his will which will not be in your favour any longer, remember that so it behoves you to keep on her right side; beware a woman scorned and all that.

That aside, I don't get the 2 not 3 bit, although 3 on 2 acres could be pushing it a bit but I honestly do see her point about not wanting your mother there as well even if the land is a bit away from the house; it's very much a 'this is her territory now' and she doesn't want the slightest chance of sharing it, she might think that gives you both extra rights which she's not prepared to share with you..
 
''Don't be at all surprised if she tries to persuade him to retire, sell up and get a bungalow somewhere (which will be in her name so you can't touch it, or the proceeds from it) Sounds far fetched? Believe me, it's true and we were very lucky to be able to hang onto here by the skin of our teeth as the original will wasn't changed even though pressure had been put on him to do so. Please don't take your inheritance for granted,''

They brought the farm this time last year as it is 'his' favour to myself and my brother, a future investment.
He has encouraged me to continue riding and wanted my children to have their own ponies. He wanted to be the proud grandfather! What he wants, and what we may get isn't the same, and all because the sm has suddenly taken over the control box, where previously she was on the back seat (she was good there!) while he farmed, she looked after the house.
She also told my mum that I shouldn't have moved house, so it is my problem that I now have to travel further to do my horses. At the time, she thought it was a good idea to be closer to my father!
Oh, my brain hurts.
 
If it's any consolation I was once in a similar position, my dad who has land and stables remarried and had children and I was out of the picture; he has since divorced again and the family are grown up and moved away, but still keep horses there.

We are still in touch and I am more involved now, but I wouldn't dream of putting my horse on his land/stables, whether I though I was entitled to or not. As far as I can see it would only cause trouble with the rest of the family, I prefer an easy non confrontational life, and on the plus side I'm glad to be more independent.

I haven't a clue whether I'll inherit anything when the time comes, and tbh I'm not bothered, I've found happiness in life anyway :)

I know my experiences won't be helping you now, but by getting uptight and angry it can only make the situation worse, I'd just go with the flow for a while and see how things pan out, time is a great healer (my mum and dad met after over 30 years the other day and it was all good!) Once you aren't perceived as such a threat to the sm she might soften her approach a bit.
 
Sounds like SM is trying to change the goalposts then, not surprising, SM's have a habit of doing that, but very hurtful and confusing for you, sorry. Agree with Touchstone's post above though.
 
I'm another for standing on your own two feet - its a good life lesson. What would you do if your dad had to sell up? They're your horses so your responsibility.

Maybe there was cross-purposes - he never thought you'd truely go through with moving near him so it was OK to say "yeah, that's fine". But when it has now come down to it he's not comfortable with the idea.

It's very easy to blame the step-mother but its not her responsibilty for her husband's adult daughter to keep her three horses at her home. Favours from family are not a right and if I received that letter from you I would think you had a b***** cheek!

Maybe you have just expected too much from them and this is your dad's way of telling you its not acceptable. Your comments are you were told it "should be ok" etc - hardly a resounding, "yes please we'd love to put up your three ponies".

And I'm not quite sure what all this has to do with your mum's health? TBH if I was being emotionally blackmailed ("I worry for her, I really do. One day I swear she won't wake up in the morning") I would be less inclined to help you out.
 
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Ruthnmeg, I know exactly how your feeling this goes deeper than just the fact they are being awkward over the number. It would probably be easier if they said outright no... But they have kind of dangled it like a carrot.

And I would be upset and do get upset when my dad treats me like that over things in the past...as for his new wife (who I don't mind) and not wanting to ruffle more feathers the way I see it I,m his flesh and blood. If he wasn't prepared to support me or be there when life is a bit tough then he shouldn't of had me... My son is only four and I can gaurantee that if he ever needed something I can give it then he will get it.

I understand new wife might feel vulnerable etc, but there comes a time/age when you have to grow up and get on with the fact your partner had a previous life.

I hope you can all come to some kind of solution... X
 
My OH has just said, if its not meant to be, then just give up the horses. I can't even bare to do that!
My mum lives where the horses are kept, rents her cottage and the field off the same n-s-n people. She is worried beyond belief that she will get notice and have to move. The owners are not nice, and will do anything to be spiteful it seems. She wants to move out before they get notice, as it would make her feel better that way. I moved away from her, now having regrets as I feel I can't help her. This was my life line to her, I'd find the horses a new cheap place, save money on fuel and mum can find somewhere happier to live. This 'no' yet dangling a carrot seemingly, has effected those plans, meaning mum has to stay put and suffer, and I have to keep travelling which my OH is pretty much refusing me to do. Mum wants me to keep the horses, she enjoys them as much as me.
As an entire family, we used to get on, all of us. We used to help each other out, repay favours and today has totally stumped me.
I am a grown adult, with a family and I should be able to stand on my own 2 feet. I have been standing strong for years, put up with one side of the family having everything, the other struggling but happy. I have put up with divorces, step mothers and step siblings. I have not asked questions, and just got on with it. Some might say I've been gullible to life, but its a way I've been and managed. Today I feel floored.
I can't keep the horses at their current location, because of the way it effects mum, keeps her tied to the place and she don't wnat ot be there, yet I seemingly can't have them at the farm which would be perfect on all accounts, but isn't because SM isn't happy. I can't keep them anywhere else because of cost or cost of travelling to them.
So, what do I do?

(Sorry, life story rant type lecture).
 
To be honest I would be really upset if my dad had a farm and wouldn't let me keep my horses on it, especially if it was close to my house. I would EXPECT to be able to keep my horses there. My dad loves me (I hope!) he knows how hard I work to be able to afford my horses, if he thought he could make things easier for me I know he would. Is that being spoilt? Or just expecting family to stick together...

If he put my SM before me I would be seriously hurt and also very angry.
 
Apricot said:
To be honest I would be really upset if my dad had a farm and wouldn't let me keep my horses on it, especially if it was close to my house. I would EXPECT to be able to keep my horses there. My dad loves me (I hope!) he knows how hard I work to be able to afford my horses, if he thought he could make things easier for me I know he would. Is that being spoilt? Or just expecting family to stick together...

If he put my SM before me I would be seriously hurt and also very angry.
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I think it's called taking him for granted rather than being spoilt although I feel if you expect that, perhaps that does mean you are/have been spoilt. Just because it belonged (hypothetically) to your father doesn't automatically mean your wishes should/would be granted, it would be wrong to presume so. Presume nothing where families are involved but be very grateful if something is offered, because they don't have to, it's not a right just because you're a daughter, it's a favour.

I can accept you might be hurt if he put your SM first but you shouldn't be angry just because you aren't the Number One female in his life any longer; his wife, your SM, has the right to come first with him once they're married.

Believe me, I was the young only daughter at 7 years old, introduced for the first time to my SM at their wedding; it didn't go down well with me as you can imagine and it wasn't until I was married myself that I came to terms with the fact that my SM came first with him even though he did try to be very fair. It's hard to adapt to a SM/SF but we have to remember (it took me a hell of a time to stop being so jealous, I must have made the house a war zone), the partner that was left, whether by death (in my case) or divorce, needs a life too and deserves to find and keep love/companionship but THEY BOTH must also remember that their original family still must have a huge part in their lives for there not to be any resentment from either the children or the new SM.

Sorry OP, that was no help to you at all. I do hope you can patch things over and find somewhere for the ponies so your Mum can move.
 
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I can't keep them anywhere else because of cost or cost of travelling to them.
So, what do I do?

I don't mean to be horrible but...I think if that's the case, perhaps you shouldn't keep horses at all at the moment as it sounds as though you have no money to keep them anywhere else except your fathers farm, in return for labour rather than money. Perhaps you're so upset by it all because you can't really afford them any longer at the moment unless it's at your dads....
You said they bought the farm last year, so I presume they own it together legally, which, I'm afraid, does not at all give you "more right to it than stepmum",and I can totally see where she is coming from not really wanting your mother there, even if it is "out of sight".
Apart from that, they must have had their own plans on how to run, manage and "farm" the farm, perhaps you keeping your horses their would throw their own plans completely out of the window then?
I'm not sure I understand the connection between your mums living arrangements and the horses being where they are now, can't she move and the horses stay or vica versa or is it a "package deal"? Sorry if I come across a bit harsh, I don't mean to, just trying to be helpful (although am probably not...)
On the issue of family helping in the hour of need.....not many people are that lucky......
Hope it all works out for you though, let us know how it goes
 
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