So much for family helping in the hour of need. I need a hug..

I can't keep them anywhere else because of cost or cost of travelling to them.
So, what do I do?

I don't mean to be horrible but...I think if that's the case, perhaps you shouldn't keep horses at all at the moment as it sounds as though you have no money to keep them anywhere else except your fathers farm, in return for labour rather than money. Perhaps you're so upset by it all because you can't really afford them any longer at the moment unless it's at your dads....
You said they bought the farm last year, so I presume they own it together legally, which, I'm afraid, does not at all give you "more right to it than stepmum",and I can totally see where she is coming from not really wanting your mother there, even if it is "out of sight".
Apart from that, they must have had their own plans on how to run, manage and "farm" the farm, perhaps you keeping your horses their would throw their own plans completely out of the window then?
I'm not sure I understand the connection between your mums living arrangements and the horses being where they are now, can't she move and the horses stay or vica versa or is it a "package deal"? Sorry if I come across a bit harsh, I don't mean to, just trying to be helpful (although am probably not...)
On the issue of family helping in the hour of need.....not many people are that lucky......
Hope it all works out for you though, let us know how it goes
 
I would ring round other local farmers, and find somewhere else to keep the ponies, then let mum move as planned. If you need to get another job (you must have time for one if you were going to help on dad's farm), then do so. If your dad wants to be funny and see you less, then that's life. Move on. It's funny how keen parents become to do things your way when the alternative is never to see you - he may then come round in time and suggest what you want himself. With family it's always safer to stand on your own two feet anyway, prevents your ponies becoming potentially homeless without notice in the future if there are any major rows.
 
The trouble is I CAN go to the farm, but have to get rid (pts) Juno as only 2 horses allowed. I can't feel that is fair, as Juno isn't ready to go yet and is a brilliant nanny to little Penny.
Dad brought the farm last year as his mother, my gran left him the money to do so. Nothing 'so to speak' to do with sm.
 
I'm afraid that I am another one who doesn't expect anything from my family. If they choose to give it, and they often do, I am grateful but I really don't expect anything. I will not inherit, that has been made clear. My brother will get everything but that doesn't stop me speaking to or loving my family. It's their money and their decision. Nothing is mine 'by right'.

I think you need to find somewhere else for your ponies to enable your Mum to move from a home in which she's unhappy. Try to stay on good terms with your father and step mother if you can but try to banish any resentment from your mind because it will make you very unhappy on a daily basis. Good luck with whatever you end up doing though :)
 
I would say stuff it if they expect you to have horse/pony pts what the hell ?? Farmers don't usually like horses because they damage the land with their shod feet. I think the problem is your sm.

I'd stay where you are its only another 10 mins away, is it worth the hassle ?
 
As a parent wit 4 offspring, I don't remember signing anything to say my life ended when they were born, his farm, his land, his wife, your an adult I take it, get on with you own life, it's not his fault if you cant afford 3 horses.
 
You ask what do you do? Well you do what the rest of us do and pay for livery and if we can't afford the horses we don't have them. If you don't want them causing your mum more stress then remove them and help her out and stop worrying about your dad and his wife. Whatever you think is your 'right' isn't the issue,as adults we have no 'right' to our parents belongings or money, my parents are wealthy and could easily afford to pay off my mortage without noticing. I struggle to find the £300 every month I need to pay off my mortage but do I complain and moan and expect them to pay it for me??? Of course not it's my debt and my responsibility. Dad often throws a £100 into my bank and recently helped pay for a new (old but new to me) lorry but those are much gratefully recieved gifts and I certainly wouldn't expect them.

I think you need to take your father and what he has out of the equation and take responsiblity for your animals and your life. Don't live through other people you have your own family to look after and they should be what you focus on not your dad and his new life. If you mum isn't well then surely you should be making damn sure everything you do is focused towards making her life easier and making battles with your dad and his wife is only going to cause her more upset. As I said previously if you dad gave in and grudgingly gives you the land what atmosphere and tension is that going to cause? Surely that would give you mum more stress having to go to a place she knows she isn't wanted?
 
I seem to have missed something on Ruthnmegs posts here..

As far as i understand it, From conversations she has had with her father they came to the agreement that the farm would be purchased with a view that upon DDDs death it will be passed onto op and her brother, between DDD and DD they agreed that she would move closer to the farm and move her ponies there and in return for keeping the ponies on the farm she would help with farm jobs, this would also allow for DDD to spend more quality time with his granchildren.

Now it would seem that DDD has completely moved the goal posts, i am presuming he knew how many ponies DD had and when they spoke about the changes he never mentioned that one of them would have to be PTS in order for it to happen. All the issues with the SM and Mum are by the by as Mother will still be going up there anyway as the other 2 ponies would be there anyway?

I dont quite understand why some of the comments on here are in the vain of "get on with it, nothing is yours and you just have to lump it", and speaking to the OP like she is some kind of gold digging child who is only out for what she can get.

I am sure if any of us where put in similar situations we would be a tad upset and confused by DDDs change of heart.

(((((Hugs Ruthnmeg))))

Keep your chin up:)
 
Allover said:
I am sure if any of us where put in similar situations we would be a tad upset and confused by DDDs change of heart.
Click to expand...

I'm sure also, that we'd just take it on the chin, sigh and get on with doing what has to be done. Someone who is married with children should certainly be old enough and wise enough to manage their finances on their own without help from their family.

As someone else said, if you can't afford them unless they go there, then get rid, end of a self made problem or find a home for the old one.
You never know, perhaps the DDD actually knows it's time for that one to go and is hoping D will face up to it now and this is his way of helping it along. We all know owners that keep things going for far too long because they can't bare to part; perhaps, just perhaps, this is one of those times. I'm not saying it is, but it could be, we don't know (and why should we?)

The situation as is, is of the OP's making, she can take two but not three, which even so, is generous as far as some families go; there's no problem with that so there is a very simple solution. Find a home for or put down the oldie.
 
RuthnMeg said:
It is NOT her farm, it is more my farm than hers, (inheritance wise) she is just previlaged to live there!
Click to expand...

Sorry to break this to you but she actually has more rights to the farm than you do. If you SM survives your DDD then you will not be able to remove her from the farm and claim it as yours irrespective of what any will says.
 
Can I also add - and I realise that it will seem very harsh to the OP's ears - that it is a privilege, not a right, to own 3 horses :o I am sure that there are plenty of forum members who would love to own even one horse but can't because of finances or other circumstances.

OP, you will be a lot happier if you find your own solution to your horse related problem rather than relying on family to sort things out for you. I still wish you the best of luck but I think you need to change your mindset to make yourself happier in the long run.
 
Maesfen said:
I'm sure also, that we'd just take it on the chin, sigh and get on with doing what has to be done. Someone who is married with children should certainly be old enough and wise enough to manage their finances on their own without help from their family.

As someone else said, if you can't afford them unless they go there, then get rid, end of a self made problem or find a home for the old one.
You never know, perhaps the DDD actually knows it's time for that one to go and is hoping D will face up to it now and this is his way of helping it along. We all know owners that keep things going for far too long because they can't bare to part; perhaps, just perhaps, this is one of those times. I'm not saying it is, but it could be, we don't know (and why should we?)

The situation as is, is of the OP's making, she can take two but not three, which even so, is generous as far as some families go; there's no problem with that so there is a very simple solution. Find a home for or put down the oldie.
Click to expand...

IMO the point is that the Dad has said one thing, op has moved house and planned for this and now the dad has changed his mind. IMO she is well within her rights to be upset about it, the "situation" is not just of the OPs making, it is after conversations with her dad about how they plan to proceed in their lives as a family.

As for the old pony, we dont know the situation of it so IMO should not comment.
 
Snowy Celandine said:
Can I also add - and I realise that it will seem very harsh to the OP's ears - that it is a privilege, not a right, to own 3 horses :o I am sure that there are plenty of forum members who would love to own even one horse but can't because of finances or other circumstances.

OP, you will be a lot happier if you find your own solution to your horse related problem rather than relying on family to sort things out for you. I still wish you the best of luck but I think you need to change your mindset to make yourself happier in the long run.
Click to expand...

The OP and the Father had a verbal agreement, the dad has changed his mind and left OP up the creek so to speak, that is the point of the post, not that he should be paying for everything or doing her any favours.
 
Allover said:
IMO the point is that the Dad has said one thing, op has moved house and planned for this and now the dad has changed his mind. IMO she is well within her rights to be upset about it, the "situation" is not just of the OPs making, it is after conversations with her dad about how they plan to proceed in their lives as a family.

As for the old pony, we dont know the situation of it so IMO should not comment.
Click to expand...

I think then that the overall lesson to be learned is to expect nothing and make your own way in life.
I can understand the op being upset (been there myself!) but as the previous posters have said, getting upset will not help to resolve the situation, will just cause further bad feeling and if the mother is already upset about the whole situation, so causing further argument won't help. All it will do is cause the op further distress and drive her further away from her family.
We don't know the situation regarding the old pony, but neither do we know the reasoning behind the father's decision, he may have a very valid reason that even the op isn't aware of. If he is prone to changing his mind just to be 'awkward', then that is even more reason to stay independent.

I'm a big believer that when things go wrong it is an opportunity to grow as an individual and the op may well find hidden strengths that she never knew she had by becoming more self sufficient and will probably gain her family's respect.

Our parent's granted us life on this earth, that doesn't mean that they have to provide for our luxuries (which horses are) for us when we are adults. The father probably doesn't see the horses as that important in the scheme of things, but possibly more as something causing problems unnecessarily.
 
Yes, he's only changed his mind in that he'll only take 2 instead of 3; the offer is still there but only for 2 ponies. The solution is simple, do something with the other one if she wants to take up his offer.
As has been pointed out several times before, perhaps if someone can't cope with the finances of keeping horses only unless it's bartered for labour, then perhaps it's time to call it a day for a while until their finances are up and running again.
 
Maesfen said:
Yes, he's only changed his mind in that he'll only take 2 instead of 3; the offer is still there but only for 2 ponies. The solution is simple, do something with the other one if she wants to take up his offer.
.
Click to expand...

Its a "simple" decision to make is it?
 
I just read the whole thread, ( i should be working:o) but i really feel for the OP. It sounds like she's having a really tough time of worry & stress it doesnt sound like your OH is being helpful either.
Family can be ****.

Have you had a response to your letter yet?

I really hope your Dad see's the light, you are his daughter after all.
 
Hi, I haven't read the whole post, but as a Wicked sm myself, this would be my advice.

The only way that having your horses at your dad's farm will work is if you have your sm support - and essentially she believes you are going to enhance her relationship with her husband, not cause problems. It is afterall her home and normally if people feel they have an element of control over a situation then they are more comfortable with it.

So, can you grab a cup of coffee with her, put your thoughts to her and ask for her support and find a way it would work for her! For example, you mentioned your mum coming down. Realistically, your mum and dad are divorced and she may be uncomfortable if your mum started appearing on the farm regularly. She would be an amazing girl if she was totally comfortable with that, so you have to address things like that and find a good solution.

I have the most amazing stepdaughter who has taught me all I know about keeping good relationships with everyone, working really hard not to be small minded and seeing everything from everybodies point of view. I don't always live up to her standards but at least I now try!!
 
I feel for you, my Dad used to promise me things and then never deliver - driving lessons, cars, money (I never asked it was always offered) and then he'd back out/forget/it would never materialise, he's still married to my mum so no SM involved....

It's a hard lesson to learn and you need big hugs as he's gone back on his word and thats tough to take when it comes from your Dad :( I learnt never to count on his offers (sounds horrid) as if they did come through then they were a surprise rather than being disappointed when they didn't. It makes you stronger and you will find a solution for all 3 I'm sure (would like to have cunning plan to hand but I don't sorry).

Big hugs and a huge lunchtime glass of vino x
 
leflynn said:
I feel for you, my Dad used to promise me things and then never deliver - driving lessons, cars, money (I never asked it was always offered) and then he'd back out/forget/it would never materialise, he's still married to my mum so no SM involved....

It's a hard lesson to learn and you need big hugs as he's gone back on his word and thats tough to take when it comes from your Dad :( I learnt never to count on his offers (sounds horrid) as if they did come through then they were a surprise rather than being disappointed when they didn't. It makes you stronger and you will find a solution for all 3 I'm sure (would like to have cunning plan to hand but I don't sorry).

Big hugs and a huge lunchtime glass of vino x
Click to expand...

My dad can be a bit like that - my step-dad and mum are completely the opposite though. You shoudl always be able to rely on your family, no matter how old you are, and it's very sad that not everyone has that:(
 
Would you be able to afford for 2 of them to go to your dads and pay grass livery on a yard for the third?

It is horrible when things don't go our way but then who said life was fair? Be thankful he'll take two of them. I learned the hard way to depend on no-one but myself and that I'm responsible for me and mine and for making me happy.

I hope you get this resolved to your satisfaction x
 
Just like to say, thankyou so much everyone for your support and input. Yesterday was a 'bad' day in the sense of disapointment, but I consider myself to be a strong person and something positive always comes from a negative.
I have not had a reply back from my letter, I won't expect to either for a while as I know its a busy day on the farm with TB results checking thingy wotsit.
I think, until further notice I will sit on my hands and forget about the farm idea. Juno may make ''that'' decison for us this coming winter - who knows, then it will be much easier next year.
Thanks to my lovely boss, I have some could-be strong leads of grazing and a stable, and even the possibility of a cottage in my area too for mum, so not all is lost.

I'd like to appologise to anyone who may have seen me as a spoilt brat who is not getting her way. I can assure you I am not. I struggle to keep a horse like the most of us on here. Meg is my responsibility, and I will not let her down. I may loan Penny out, but that is only an idea. Something will work, at some point and then we can all relax and enjoy the things we are so blessed to have.
Thankyou for everyone taking the time to read my post, was so angry yesterday, today I am much calmer and actually enjoying the day!
 
RuthnMeg said:
Just like to say, thankyou so much everyone for your support and input. Yesterday was a 'bad' day in the sense of disapointment, but I consider myself to be a strong person and something positive always comes from a negative.
I have not had a reply back from my letter, I won't expect to either for a while as I know its a busy day on the farm with TB results checking thingy wotsit.
I think, until further notice I will sit on my hands and forget about the farm idea. Juno may make ''that'' decison for us this coming winter - who knows, then it will be much easier next year.
Thanks to my lovely boss, I have some could-be strong leads of grazing and a stable, and even the possibility of a cottage in my area too for mum, so not all is lost.

I'd like to appologise to anyone who may have seen me as a spoilt brat who is not getting her way. I can assure you I am not. I struggle to keep a horse like the most of us on here. Meg is my responsibility, and I will not let her down. I may loan Penny out, but that is only an idea. Something will work, at some point and then we can all relax and enjoy the things we are so blessed to have.
Thankyou for everyone taking the time to read my post, was so angry yesterday, today I am much calmer and actually enjoying the day!
Click to expand...



I'm so pleased to hear you sounding more positive and less upset today - well done! It can be hard to stay positive when we face disappointment, but at the end of the day we always have a choice over how we feel and how we allow external events to influence us, and it sounds as if you are on the right track with your thinking.

I'm sure that the right solution will turn up for you, fingers crossed for you.
 
RuthnMeg - that's the spirit :) It's difficult when you think something good is going to happen and then it doesn't, for whatever reason. I think you have got some perspective on the issue now and I am sure that something will work out for you and your horses.
 
Not read the whole post so don't know if someone has suggested this.

I would speak to your dad in a calm manner and remind him that you moved house to be nearer to him, to spend more time with him, and also to move your horses to his land, help him on the farm and do up the stable block. As he/sm only wants 2 and not 3 horses on the land, ask if it is ok to move all 3 onto the land while you look to re-home/loan out one of them. You don't have to actively do so, he will never know that you are not advertising, and before you know it you will have been there sometime with 3 and he and sm will not have noticed a difference. And as you say, perhaps Juno doesn't have that much time left, but in the meantime let her enjoy her last months/years in the company of you and the other 2 horses who are her friends.

I hope you get this sorted out whichever way it goes - I am so glad that I do not have step parents/children/families to deal with.
 
No one called you a spoilt brat but as I'm sure you appreciate by posting on a forum you get other views of a situation and obviously this is the case for you. Some of your posts did come across a tad foot stomping but hey we're all allowed a little strop even as 'grown ups'. ;) Anger and disappointment can taint the real picture and logic goes out the window, but now I'm sure you can see it as a set back but not the end of the world and move on. Now you've had time to sleep on it and read other opinions I'm sure you can see it more clearly. I for one would never suggest you have any of your horses PTS purely for convience and I'm glad you don't suffer the suggestion for one minute either.
 
Big hugs from me to you. It doesnt matter how old you are your parents can still hurt you! I am 42 and frequently relate tales of the latest episode where my parents have been unbelievably cruel or selfish towards me and it doesnt ever get any easier to take! I also have parents that are totally un-horsey so are constantly telling me to sell my horses - even though it has been my horses that have made me drag myself out of bed in my darkest times and always given me unconditional love, unlike my family.
Chin up, something will turn up and dont listen to people who say get rid of your horses or have one pts! It will all pan out ok in the end - hopefully with help from one of your other options rather than your family. Best of luck x
 
My only adivce would be to ask the FC to remove this post on Monday, some spiteful egit could use this to stir up a whole load of trouble and tbh, i think you will be a tadge embarrised (sp) by this post in months to come. We forget just how long our posts are out in the cyber world and i know first hand that a bit of a let of steam rant can be turned and used against you, especially if you have an evil cow as a so called "friend" and i hate to add, especially if and when money can be involved.

chin up, all humans have failings, even mums, dads and step mums ! lol

x
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top