So sad and upset :(

Firewell

Firewell

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I think I am going to have to sell my beautiful horse
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Ive had her since she was 5 and she is 8 now and I love her soso much and have put so much work into her but i am just not sure we are suited
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The problem is I think is that we are too alike, shes is a very sensitive and Intelligent horse and im a very sensitive, dramatic person! I get tense really easily, if im schooling and its not going right i'll get more and more wound up about it untill im a tight, frustrated ball and my poor horse doesnt know if she is coming or going!
The other day at a show I was shouting at my OH while I was trying to tack up my horse in the lorry, I was so nervous and taking it out on everyone around me. I was panicking, rushing and shaking. My horse is so clever I know she thought something was up and consequently started playing up making me even worse.

The thing is she is the safest horse to ride, even teaching her to jump, hack etc Iv'e never fallen off her! and teaching her to jump she never ever stopped or was silly, she just knew how to jump right away. The only time I nearly fell of was when she decided to jump the placing pole and the 3ft upright in one go and shot me so far out the saddle I thought I was never going to come down!

We wind each other up sometimes so shes bouncing around and im swearing but she always always looks after me. She would never ever nap/buck/rear/bolt, she is forward going but with a lovely light mouth, shes a lazy persons horse, the less you do the better she goes!

She gets funny if her routine changes, but again I dont know if thats me. She'll be worried and instead of me being a calming influence i'll start snapping at her and pushing her around, she seems to mirror every mood im in.

God I sound awful dont I! The people who know us think im mad to consider selling her, shes so genuine and talented and they know she can be a pain sometimes but they see that I love her. I am just scared that neither of us are going to be able to progress and reach our potential with each other.

I need a more laid back horse thats a bit more aloof and she needs a more laid back, consistent rider and handler.

Im so scared though about what if she goes to someone who mistreats her, or takes advantage of her? Shes such a sensitive, clever little horse, she wears her heart on her sleeve and the wrong person could so easily ruin her.

Shes got her little ways as well, like she needs to be ridden before the farrier comes and have some food and she needs loading in her monty roberts headcoller. But in every other way she is an angel, you can give her a holiday for months and then ride her for the first time in gale force winds and rain and she wont bat an eyelid or put a foot wrong.

What if I sell her and then regret it for the rest of my life?

Ive posted this here because as well as being my friend she is also my competition horse so I wanted views from competiton people not just people who keep the horses as pets.

Im viewing some other horses this week and iv'e specifically chosen older, schoolmasters with laid back temprements! Im hoping that will help me make mind up what to do.

Does anyone have any advice? Do you think by considering selling her that im doing the right thing? I cant keep two horses long term so if I got another she would have to go
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Why don't you seek some help to address your tension issues? She sounds a lovely horse and it is not fair on her to take your tension and nerves out on her when from what you have said she does nothing wrong. Agree some horses cope a lot better than others, indeed there are some that will ignore you completely - but that is not always a good thing! Before you do anything rash that you might regret why not talk to someone that can give you some tips and tools to use when you feel your tension and nerves having a negative impact. I know lots of people have used Jo Cooper (TFT) with a lot of success. If you love this horse and she is everything you want then find a way to work with her. It will also benefit you as a person in other aspects of your life to learn to control your feelings and react in a calm, well thought out manner.

Good luck!
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As above - see if you can get some help with your horse before you sell her and move on.

Half a dozen lessons with a really good instructor might work wonders. If you already have a regular instructor, it could be worth a change to get a fresh set of ideas.

Bear in mind that whatever you buy will almost certainly have it's own set of little 'quirks'!
 
I dont have much advice, but just to say you are not the only one. Reading your post she sounds identical to my mare! I have had her for 5 years. She is quirky, talented but sensitive. If i've had a bad day i dont even bother schooling her as we wind each other up. I need to get on feeling relaxed and then she is the same.

I have considered selling mine, but again she has the sweetist personality and her quirkiness like not wanting to be left in on her own or out for that matter, sedate for teeth, clipping etc would not be appreciated by others and I would hate someone to be heavy handed as it would not solve anything.

I did event her but once we moved up a grade she started running into her fences and knocking them down, not sure if it was caused my nerves not that I felt nervous. Having had 2 years out of competting I am going to try again.

I think I would always regret selling mine as I know she is as safe as houses even if not ridden for a month, although buzzy, never nasty and I think that is a hard quality to find without being boring.

I think it depends on how much you want to compete and progress. I do often think that my mare would be going places with the right rider as well as me on a different horse. Riding is not meant to be a continuous fustration but a pleasure and if you are feeling like that more often then not then I think perhaps selling might be the best option for both of you.

Gosh that was a long post! Good luck, let us know what you decide.
 
I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling down. I know how much you care for her and have kept going with her even when you've had doubts in the past.

I would echo the above posts tbh. How about working on your tension and nerves before you make any decisions which you may or may not regret. I think i'm pretty similar in personality to you in quite a few ways and have really had to work on myself in order to be calmer around my horses. I've been aware of the problem as long as i've ridden (20+years) and probably on the last couple which i've felt more in control. You know how long i debated about selling my mare and i regularly think that maybe she would have gone further with someone calmer....who knows BUT she is happy, healthy and going very well and i am so pleased i kept her.

You are aware of your problems which is a great first step!!! She really does sound perfect for you in lots of ways and remember although the grass is always greener, every horse will have it's problems. None of them are perfect. Good luck hun
 
After reading your post, I felt compelled to respond. I do think that you need to take a step back and just look at what you have achieved so far, and be proud of your efforts. Sometimes we just try too hard to get things to 'go right'. I know exactly how you feel.
My horse is currently out of work, and when he returns to work he will be semi-retired. So, in the absence of not being able to school, I have taken on another one that I can do anything that I like with (sort of like a loan type basis). When I first got on this horse, I was so nervous and tense, and he picks up on it straight away, he's so much more flighty than my own.
I decided to have lessons with my own instructor, and it has worked really well, even to the point of remembering to breathe! I guess all I'm trying to say is that all is not lost, and there are many people out there that can help you.
Have you thought of maybe finding a more confident rider to help you out a couple of days a week?
It may help you put things into perspective when you see how your horse reacts to a more confident person, and who knows the positive vibes could rub off on you.
Hope everything gets sorted
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Thank you guys, it is hard as she is a lovely horse BUT ive had her nearly 4 years now and I do get tired of trying to fight my personality if you know what I mean!

Theres only been one horse in my past that I didnt get on with at all and he was on loan so it wasnt so much of an issue, theres been 3 that I got on like a house on fire with and we used to win everything with and 2 where are relationship was OK but we were never going to set the world alight together.

I think my relationship with Vay is in the last catagory, we get on OK but I think we could both do better?! She breaks my heart though because she is the only horse that has been mine, the others were all on loan and ive never had the worry of selling a horse I didnt feel quite right with, I just gave it back after a while!

I do have lessons with her and they go really well, she always goes super and I get told we are doing well. However when I get to a show it can fall apart in the ring, she used to always go clear but recently she hasnt, we have started doing affilliated, I get nervous and I think she can tell a difference with me, I dont want to mess her up, shes too good for that. However I want to start jumping bigger, I love the feeling of jumping over a bigger fence and its aways easier to see a stride into a bigger fence.

On 2 of my old horses I used to jump PC areas 3ft11 courses on them and although I used to get really nervous it was fine, I came 2nd at Hickstead SJ champs and won the PC area eventing championship on my old horse, I was on all the teams and loved it, so I cant understand why now it feels so hard
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I know its partly me and some sort of signal im putting across to her, she only knows what ive taught her and I dont want to push on regardless and ruin both of our confidence.
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Sorry this is all so mamouth, im just so confused!
 
I agree with others about trying to sort out your own tension etc but sometimes that's just the way we are
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My friend was having problems with her horse (not the same as yours) and was unsure whether to sell, she was worried about making a big mistake.

She bought another one and kept the two for a while and soon realised how much she prefered to ride the new one and this gave her the confidence to sell the problem one and hasn't looked back since.

However, she was lucky that she has her own place and could afford to do this.

Good luck whatever you decide to do
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Agree with all of the above. You obviously adore your horse and she is very talented so its really worth trying to spend some time on your own tension/nervous issues before you decide to sell her. I only recently realised that I got very stressed and grumpy at competitions and quite often forget to breath. The mere fact that I now recognise that has helped me immensely because everytime I start to get like that I try to make myself stop and breath deeply. I also try and avoid riding whenever I've had a stressful/busy day at work.
The fact that you have recognised you have an issue is a good thing and there are methods to help you out. There is loads of useful advice on stopping yourself getting tense and angry if you do a search on the internet. I have also heard that Jo Cooper is very good. I take rescue remedy whenever I feel myself getting stressed and also take evening primrose which helps with the hormones!

You could also very easily get another horse that appears laid back when you try them but might have the same issues when you get home as its very difficult to tell! Then you would really regret selling your mare.

All is not lost so try not to let it get you down. Whilst I'm not saying you can change your personality, you can learn to control your tension etc and you will feel great once it all clicks together.
 
Oh how awful - I feel for you. It's a really tricky situation.

Your horse sounds a doll. I agree that there are things you can do before you make a decision. You say that she goes well in lessons but gets really tense when schooling, which I assume means schooling on your own? Would listening to music (and singing it
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) help? That way you have something else on your mind, and are probably breathing more. Or can you enlist someone to come and watch and just chat to you, to keep your mind slightly more chilled. I am a bit like you, a total perfectionist and get desperately frustrated if it's not progressing as fast as I like. I have to totally keep on top of myself, to make sure that I'm not being unreasonable, and remembering for instance to give them a break while schooling! Again music could help - right I'll work on this exercise till the end of the song then I will walk round on a loose rein for 2 minutes and breathe!! I know what you mean about trying to overcome your personality but I think of it this way - if I had a rather less opinionated more laid back horse I could easily slip into being a person I don't like to be!!!

Also it seems like this gets especially bad when competing. Does your OH always come with you? Experiment with going on your own a few times! Take some rescue remedy? Talk in an Irish accent (it works for one of my friends, strangely!) Before you get on board, take a minute and give your horse a cuddle and whisper in her ear that she's awesome - you'll immediately feel more relaxed because you've been nice to her!!

Best of luck - only you will know what is right, but as everyone above has already said, the next horse could be much worse, so don't rush in to anything.
 
Oooh I know the next horse could be worse, you hear some such horror stories! Also a horse that went lame all the time, that would be a nightmare.
In an ideal world id love to keep her, get someone to help me out and have a schoolmaster on the side but i dont think that is financially possible
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I do think working on myself is something I can do, im not that bad but I am a perfectionist and I can take things to heart to much.

I like the idea of taking a few minutes out to cuddle and talk to horse at a show, im quite bad at getting carried away by the whole performance aspect and lose sight that its meant to be fun with my horse and myself. Vay likes a quiet cuddle, it does calm her down.

ive just never cried so much as I have with this horse, but she makes me laugh too. Im always in a perpetual conundrum about her, it is totally wearing.

Thanks for all your comments, makes me feel so much better knowing theres people who understand. My OH just thinks im bonkers!
 
[ QUOTE ]
My friend was having problems with her horse (not the same as yours) and was unsure whether to sell, she was worried about making a big mistake.

She bought another one and kept the two for a while and soon realised how much she referred to ride the new one and this gave her the confidence to sell the problem one and hasn't looked back

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My mare was the same, i battled though with her, yes i had achieved more than anbody thought possible with her. One day after she had an off day i just went home and reality set in, there was something that just wound each other up. Somebody suggested i try looking at other horses, something that was a bit easier and also that way i would either decide yes that's what i wanted, or no i was happy with the horse i had. I have to say the second horse i tried was lovely and so easy i ended up buying her. For me i made the right decision. Only you know if you can live with the issues you have or if you need to move on. I had my girly for over 4 yrs so i know how hard it is to let go.
 
I agree with those who saiy it could be the best idea to address your problems first. It could be if you got a new horse you finish with the same scenario if you tend to get uptight. nervous etc.
Good luck wwith whatever you decide, but I think I would go for training yourself.
It is fantastic that you have recognised that you have this "problem" so that is a great step forward. Be confident you can sort it out with help.
 
i used to be like that, and it took a very patient (old!) trainer to show me how and why i needed to stay calm and relaxed. it took quite a bit of time too! i think you need a new trainer much more than you need a different horse, yours sounds like an angel and i think you would really regret selling her, and worry about her etc.
 
I totally admire you for having the balls to admit that both you and your horse could do better with different partners. So many people battle on under the mistaken impression that it would be wrong/weak to give up so they spend years making each other miserable instead. You have given this horse 4 years and put a lot of work in but you have obviously given this a lot of thought and it sounds as though you have reached a decision - good for you.
A friend of mine sold her 8 year old a few years ago, having brought it on from a 4 year old, and brought a 10 year old schoolmaster, she found that the break from having to educate a horse allowed her to really enjoy her sport and concentrate on educating herself to a higher level.
I would fully support your brave decision - there is no obligation to battle on and you are far more likely to achieve success if you find a horse whose personality compliments, rather than clashes with yours.
And as long as you select a good home for your mare she will probably be happier too.
Let us know how you get on x :
 
Magnesium tablets are very good for keeping people calm, we lack the same things as our horses sometimes. I take them and I find it really helps me, if I run out I soon notice the difference within a day or so and have to rush out and buy some more.
 
i had a similar problem!
i get really tense really easy and my horse responds so quickly because he is very sensitive and ot got to the stage where when he wouldnt respond and i got tense i just go so cross and did stupid things- i didnt hurt him or anything but put him on ridiculoussly tight circles until he dropped his head. i then started having lessons with my instructor- suddenly he improved majorly and so now although when he isnt doing what i want him to do i just breath and dont get cross, think about the good things about what i am doing- although difficult to find and then try again. it is really difficult but if you try so hard not to get stressed around them just go and sit down for a minute or two if you are at a show and always keep busy- slightly contradicting myself there!
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also, my horse is a competition horse- boguth for that, bred for it too. from a competition point of view as he was so good, i couldn't just sell him, i just kept going and now ive got past that- its brilliant! placings all the time! dont just give up try anf find a way round it! good luck
 
i know exactly how you feel, i'm in the same situation with my horse. he's super talented and i've put so much hard work into him that its gutting but i've made the decision to sell him. i've done really well on him but there's an underlying conflict in our personalities (he knows exactly what to do to wind me up!) which means that neither of us will realise our true potential as a team. its made me realise that i'm more suited to whizzy TB types than lazier more laid back beasties.
what you have to do though is be sure that its what you want. at the minute you seem undecided so take the good advice above about trying to work through your issues and see how it goes...i gave my horse an extra 12 months while i ummed and ahhhed- but i'm glad i did coz now i know i've made the right decision. and also, whilst you are worried that your horse might go to a horrid home she could also go to one which loves her just as much as you do - especially if you vet prospective buyers so try to think positively!
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(((hugs))) Im sure you'll make the right descision.

If its any consolation I am generally very tense and Pip if hyper sensitive. A session with a sports psycologist helped me...
 
Did you ever think that perhaps she falls into the third catagory because she is the only one of your horses that you actually own yourself and therefore your putting a lot of pressure on yourself, because shes ALL yours.
I read your first post and it sounded so much like me with my young horse, im not a bad person and i LOVE my horse but somedays i have to get off walk away and come home punch a pillow!! i get soo frustraited and feel we're not acheiveing anything, feel he could have a better rider and go much further than i can take him and on the flip side i know i have done so much more with other horses. I had such an amazing connection with my retired mare and we did some great things but she had been there and done that when i bought her, i was always just a passenger.
My young horse has been my project and i get so frustraited because i set the standards and i only have myself to blame.
It sounds like you have a good kind forgiving horse there, it would be awful to sell her and find that its actually you that is causing the problems..
 
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