Still grieving loss of horse intensely 4 years on

T

TooScaredToJump

Member
Joined
7 October 2021
Messages
29
Visit site
You lovely bunch were so kind and knowledgeable when I was preparing to say goodbye to my boy I thought I’d ask for some advice again.

Later this month will be 4 years since saying goodbye, I’ve slowly over time sold or donated the majority of our stuff and pretty much cut myself off from the equestrian world, throwing myself into work and just keeping busy with dog walking (lost a few more of them along the way too!), light house reno and caring for my parent.

It’s still so very hard and emotional for me to listen to, watch or help old friends at local competitions or attend events like Badminton or YHL which we’d do almost every year. I rode some friends horses for the odd hack out or dressage test after I initially lost him but as ungrateful as it sounds they weren’t him. I’d feel so deflated and would just come home and cry so stopped that.

I keep in touch with old friends via social media, and will pop to feed and check their horses while they are away every now and then but again I just get so emotional. My closest friends still all have their horses but are entering the marriage, houses and children phases of their lives, none of which interests me for myself (adore being auntie though!), so I feel like if I did get another I’d be sort of left behind.

Time and money don’t really make it feasible to get another anyway, I know before you’d always find a way to make it work, and I probably would if I had that same connection with another, or maybe I’m using this as an excuse. We live very rurally so sharing isn’t an option.

I just feel so lost with nobody else to understand how much my heart still physically aches most days. People probably think I should be over it by now. Am I just grieving him or the entire lifestyle? Do I even entertain getting back into it with some lessons to try and force myself to move on or is my heart telling me I was a one horse person and to walk away from it all for good?

I’ve not really picked up any other hobbies that I’ve tried, I come home from work, walk the dogs, cook dinner, do some studying for work qualification’s, tidy the house, watch some tv, read or do some crafty bits and that’s pretty much it. Might go out to the cinema or for a meal or away for the weekend to the city. I do the odd Pilates class and paddle board when it’s nice out. Running and hyrox is a no go, swimming is a faff to fit in.
 
Honestly, now that time has passed, I would get another/a good share. Just because you’re rural doesn’t mean that someone on a nearby farm doesn’t have a horse who could do with more exercise. No, the next horse won’t be the one you lost, but the reasons you went into horses in the first place still apply. A new friendship not to replace the old but be a new joy in your life.

My first horse will forever be so special that none could ever replace her. She saw me through young adulthood, let me cry on her shoulder through the tribulations of leaving home, jobs, all that stuff, moved from place to place with me, saw me go from single young person to wife and mother. She was my world and she will forever be. Now, I have a sweet little NF pony and a cob. Both make me happy in different ways, and little NF makes it her goal to make everyone happy who rides her. Are they my first horse? No. But they are fun, they fulfil the social and exercise and enjoyment function of horses and the NF is a good friend (cob is reliable and oh so easy but not very people oriented - she would prefer you rode her and fed her and otherwise let her be).

My husband took time to find one he really loved after his first died too. We had a lovely gelding he adored but didn’t gel with quite the same way in between, but now have a dark bay mare who literally follows him around like an overgrown labrador. She fills that hole of best friend and adoring pet.

A friend of mine got a couple of Shetlands to show after her first horse died. She went back into riding a few years later.

I will say that lack of interaction with horses can ache even without the loss. While I was at university I didn’t ride. It almost physically hurt when someone rode past my window on visits home.
 
It's hard. The bond you have with a horse is much different than the bond with a dog. You have trusted the horse to keep you safe, and looked after him in return. Owning horses is a commitment and a way of life; the grief is for both. Time helps you to come to terms with the loss, but it isn't something non horsey people can understand. Would it help to organise a get together with some of your yard buddies, just to pick up the chat where you left off? The social element of horse owning is important, and someone might appreciate another pair of hands to help out now and again. Someone on here suggested grief counselling for a friend in a similar situation - do you think that is something that might help?
 
That special partnership is hard to lose, indeed. Would it be an idea to volunteer with a group such as Riding or Driving for the Disabled, or perhaps a local horse charity or Rehabilitation of Racehorses centre, if there is anywhere like that nearby? It would be something to commit to without having to get emotionally involved, and you would make more friends, and you obviously have a lot to offer the horse world.
 
Hey lovely, I don’t know if this will help, and it’s a bit silly, but it helped me. I had the most amazing Welsh c mare, who I lost about 8 years ago. It still hurts too much to talk about it any further, but I will say she was chestnut, 4 white socks, and had her left eye removed. I still dreamt about her every month or so, even after almost a decade, that she was still here, and I’d just forgotten about her, and in my dream I’d drive around frantically looking for her, asking people what yard she was on. Same dream every time.

This year I got back into ponies, and needed a companion. Right down the page I found an advert for a chestnut Welsh C mare, with 4 white socks, and missing her left eye. She has been wonderful in every way, an angel to ride. It only occurred to me recently that the dreams have stopped since I bought her. It’s all very silly, but I like to think it’s my pony that came back, and the dreams were her telling me she was here, and to look for her. They stopped because I found her.
 
TooScaredToJump said:
You lovely bunch were so kind and knowledgeable when I was preparing to say goodbye to my boy I thought I’d ask for some advice again.

Later this month will be 4 years since saying goodbye, I’ve slowly over time sold or donated the majority of our stuff and pretty much cut myself off from the equestrian world, throwing myself into work and just keeping busy with dog walking (lost a few more of them along the way too!), light house reno and caring for my parent.

It’s still so very hard and emotional for me to listen to, watch or help old friends at local competitions or attend events like Badminton or YHL which we’d do almost every year. I rode some friends horses for the odd hack out or dressage test after I initially lost him but as ungrateful as it sounds they weren’t him. I’d feel so deflated and would just come home and cry so stopped that.

I keep in touch with old friends via social media, and will pop to feed and check their horses while they are away every now and then but again I just get so emotional. My closest friends still all have their horses but are entering the marriage, houses and children phases of their lives, none of which interests me for myself (adore being auntie though!), so I feel like if I did get another I’d be sort of left behind.

Time and money don’t really make it feasible to get another anyway, I know before you’d always find a way to make it work, and I probably would if I had that same connection with another, or maybe I’m using this as an excuse. We live very rurally so sharing isn’t an option.

I just feel so lost with nobody else to understand how much my heart still physically aches most days. People probably think I should be over it by now. Am I just grieving him or the entire lifestyle? Do I even entertain getting back into it with some lessons to try and force myself to move on or is my heart telling me I was a one horse person and to walk away from it all for good?

I’ve not really picked up any other hobbies that I’ve tried, I come home from work, walk the dogs, cook dinner, do some studying for work qualification’s, tidy the house, watch some tv, read or do some crafty bits and that’s pretty much it. Might go out to the cinema or for a meal or away for the weekend to the city. I do the odd Pilates class and paddle board when it’s nice out. Running and hyrox is a no go, swimming is a faff to fit in.
Click to expand...

Hi,
I'm not sure which bits you want help with as it sounds completly normal to grieve a family member, pet or human.
There is no time scale for 'getting over it'

Maybe you could put yourself in a new horsey environment?
Perhaps ask your local RDA if they would like any volunteers?
You could go once a month and see how you feel.
Maybe book a lesson as a one off at a riding school, perhaps one or two of your horsey friends would like to join you.
I am thinking of not putting yourself back into the exact same environment as you were with your special horse.

No other horse will replace your horse, they won't be like your horse, but that's ok. He wouldn't be special if you could go out and replace him!

I think several of us can understand how much it hurts to loose that special one.

It's ok to still hurt, but I'm sure you must have had some great times with your horse.
Would it help to write down those great times? Like a memory book? so you know the world will still know your boy?

I hope you start to find some peace soon.
 
Our beloved horses dont come back but the good times we have with them educate us and underpin our relationships with other future horses. I am in my 80s and thus am now riding the fourth of my special horses. She didnt seem special at first compared to the sprightliness of my Connie, but we riders change as we age. We put on weight and our reactions may be slower so we benefit from a replacement.
My first long canter on my present mare felt so like the joyful canters on my Connie that I was laughing as I pulled up.
A different horse but the same great pleasure in riding her. I wish you the same.
 
Last edited:
I am pretty sure that most of us on here still miss every horse we've ever owned. I know I do but, rather than forgetting about them, or stopping missing them, we come to terms withour loss.
When sister and I had to pts our first horse after a field accident, we weren't in a position to get another, because of the life stages that we were at and didn't get involved with horses again for a while. Then I found a small local stables that hired out hacking ponies and we both started riding again.

About 2 yrs after losing the gelding, we bought our next horse, who was completely different from him. She was bigger, a mare, spotted and a more challenging ride than our first horse but she was the one who really influenced the rest of our lives.
We owned 5 mares at one point, kept them on our own land, got involved in a range of equestrian activities, including volunteering with RDA, showed successfully at different levels, were invited to steward for some very well-known judges and then to judge ourselves.
We were involved in starting a new RDA group, which we are still part of and made lifelong friends and numerous acquaintances that we see at equestrian 'stuff' from County shows to table top tack sales.

Now, over 50 yrs since buying our first horse, we have down sized to just 2 mares and are still enjoying a horsey lifestyle, keeping them.at home.

What I am trying to say is that you will never 'replace' your first horse but you might find another one that you can build just as meaningful a relationship with, if you allow yourself to. You will only be able to move on, if you consciously allow yourself to do so. And who knows what you might be able to move onto.
 
Give yourself time. It took 9 years from losing Kai to being able to look at a horse without crying.

We all grieve in different ways and have different coping mechanisms. There's no right way to feel and you may never fully get over the loss but over time (in my experience) it does get easier to remember the happy times instead of just the trauma and loss 🫂💐
 
It took me 9 years to get another one after Geoff died. I started riding a friend’s horse after 2 years, and he was really lovely and I enjoyed it but he wasn’t Geoff and I did cry some days after riding.

After 4 years, I started taking occasional lessons with friends. I focused on my riding and ride different horses each time and it let me back into riding without getting attached.

I persevered going with friends to horse trials etc and hired a horse to go common riding a few times over the years.

Eventually, I missed having a horse more than missing riding Geoff specifically. It helped when I realised that, even if he was still here, he wouldn’t be my ideal horse now - he was a tricky ride and needed a lot of managing, and I don’t have time nor the skills to ride him now.

I then decided to get another horse - one that suits me now and what I want now. I’ve had Mary 2 years now, and she’s the opposite to Geoff - he was an 11 yo bay exracer that could buck like sin but did a gorgeous dressage test, ace to hack out but wasn’t super sympathetic; she was 16 (when I got her), an ID who’d been a broodmare so not well schooled, is super forgiving and laid back but a bit insecure hacking alone, can be left for weeks and just picked up again, doesn’t like to be bossed but if I ask nicely will do almost anything, but no way would stand up to more than our regular light hacking and certainly wouldn’t be a competition horse. And by getting something totally different, that totally suits me now, I don’t ache with missing him, instead I just think fondly on him.
 
I know exactly how you feel. I lost one of my special boys 8 years ago on the 30th January, then cruelly lost my other one on the 29th January 2 years ago. My first horse I lost on the 3rd January many years ago. I absolutely hate January as a month of the year, for me it associates loss. I still massively grieve not only for my boys but also the life it gave me, the fresh air, exercise, company, it wasnt just about riding for me, it was a lifestyle. Like you I have tried to fill my life with other things such as work, dog walking, treating myself to so many days out to new places, the theatre, concerts etc. Whilst this has been 'nice' it has not given my soul peace and every friend on facebook etc posting about their horses or what they have done with them brings the sense of loss back to the surface and the yearning back for what I had. I am constrained by health issues currently, a few months after I lost my 2nd boy I was diagnosed with cancer, then 4 aneurysms, 2 mini strokes caused by the Covid jab, plus some other things. I have the committment, finances and desire/need to return to the equine world finding a new horse or horses to love again, but until I get the certainty over health I am restraining myself. It would totally destroy me if I got another horse or two, fell in love with them to then be told my health issues meant I had to give them up. I wish the best for the future and hope one day you also get to return to the horse world.
 
I was the same and then went to volunteer at a rescue. Been there over 10 years now and it's a massive part of my life. I said to myself what can I do to make things better for horses/myself. Made hundreds of new friends and made a big difference to my life.
 
Are you “happy” in all other areas of your life, if not, this is probably making the horse grief worse. I think grief counseling would be a really good start.

If you have other rubbish areas of your life, is there anything you can do to help? A new job? Visiting the doc for some anti depressants?

A few years ago, I had a nasty time of it with OH who had MH problems, and it triggered mine off. Bad scenario all round. Fortunately work was ok, and I didn’t have a horse to deal with. My boss at work practically ordered me to start a new hobby, which significantly helped. (I won’t say what the hobby is, as it will help identify me to people irl, and I’d rather keep anonymity on here.)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top