Still struggling to deal with the loss of my young horse

ebonyallen

ebonyallen

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I have not been on here for months now after the loss of my darling Dallas. After many tests I was told that my lovely girl had terminal cancer nothing could be done to save her. My world collasped there and then but I knew that I had to be strong for her, this was in Oct 2015. I made my mind up that Dallas would contuine to live her young life as a happy little horse. She was such a strong little fighter and had overcome such a lot in her short little life, and some how I just hoped this brave little horse would prove them all wrong.
Dallas contined to look great and showed no signs of being ill, so I took her to a couple of local little shows to have some fun and experience what life had to offer. She did well and look great the next season we moved yards so early summer we did not get round to doing any more. I always knew that when she showed any signs of things begining to chance that no matter how hard it was for me she had to come first.
In Oct 2016 she just seemed to loose a little bit of her sparkle and I had a sinking feeling that some thing had started to change, I called the vet and they did a couple of tests and gave her some medication and my lovely Dallas was transformed into the bright happy young horse.

She went into the front field with my Ebony and the pair looked stunning together. My phone went off a couple of hours later and they told me it had spread and I had to make the worst decision of my life to let her go while she was not suffering and with her dignity, my heart had been ripped out but I knew for Dallas I had to think of her and let her go.

We spent a lovely few hours together and with her field mates loads of cuddles and treats she look amazing ..................... The vet turned up they told me I had made the correct decision. We took the other horses away and she was very calm, I told her how much I loved her and how sorry I was that I could not save her, I felt I had let her down. She passed away very quicly and very peacfully she was ready to go and did not fight it, and at the very moment she went my Ebony cried out and I was heatbroken, I held and hugged her on the floor and just told her how much I love her but I could not cry I had tried so very hard to be brave for her and not let her see how upset I was because I did not want to upset her, I covered her with her red fleece and she looked like she was sleeping.

My hopes and dreams for our future died with her , she is no longer in pain and will stay forever young..............

Holme Park Dallas............. If loved could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

I am racked by guilt that she might suffered and I have cried every single day since, and in floods of tears as I type this

Will this ever end I have her ashes so she is back home with me, but not my Stunning little horse.
Thank you for taking the time to read our story.
 
It takes quite a while but You should get comfort from the fact she went happy and settled and you made the right decision at the right time Nothing and no one dies while someone is left to remember them
 
Oh gosh I am so sorry but you did make the right decision and take comfort in that fact, I lost my 9yo on Feb after 12months fighting to save her and I know how you feel, I was gutted however I have moved on- I bought another horse to give my love to and actually it's the most welcome distraction- I did feel awful that I was replacing her but i think actually it is what helped me to move on.

It's so hard to loose them when young and grief is normal, I do however think it's maybe taken over you more than it should, I wonder if going to counciling may help you to sort out how your feeling and deal with the loss better.
 
You did the right thing for Dallas, even if it was heartbreaking for you. It was not your fault. Be kind to yourself, if you need to cry, do so. It may be worth speaking to your GP or the Blue Cross have a pet bereavement service, if you feel like you need more support.

Hugs xx
 
The loss of a young horse is really hard to take. You have so many hopes and dreams for the future, for you and for them. Then they are gone. You would have done anything to make things different but you had to make the decision which broke your heart but was the right decision. I can't make it easier for you, I wish i could but you will come to terms with it in the end. It just takes time. Hugs xxx
 
I am so sorry for your loss. Dallas was a lucky girl to have such a kind, caring and selfless owner, not all horses are so lucky. It is nice to see you back on HHO, just sorry it isn't under more pleasant circumstances. Wishing you all the very best, look after yourself x
 
So sorry to hear of your loss.
It's awful when when any horse tells you that you need to make that decision, it seems worse when they are young. However, you did absolutely the right thing for your girl, don't be too hard on yourself and do allow yourself to mourn.
Hope Ebony is doing well.
 
Thank you all, I have been thinking of getting help to try and learn to deal with this, not normally this type of person, but my others have had a long and happy life and I had the pleasure of having them in my life for many years. Dallas was so young and I only had her for not quite two years .
 
Oh EA sorry to read you have been struggling, I've missed you off the forum.

I really would suggest talking this through with someone, the right person can be very helpful, just to help you process it.
 
sorry to hear about your young horse, I remember you from previous posts and threads. talking therapy would be a good idea-I also found (surprisingly as I didnt go to it for grief) TFT was very good for the anguish I felt over losing a particular dog.
 
Sometimes I find that a loss can maybe bring up other grief. There could actually be a bit more going on there for you and you're just not consciously aware of. I remember nine months after my mother died we lost a gorgeous cat Nelson. When I brought him back from the vets after being pts my father just broke down and my brother. It was like they could grieve for Nelson and all their other losses too. I think that's what was happening. It's just a thought for you. I hope you begin to feel better soon, the mare wouldn't want you to be upset I'm sure.
 
ebonyallen said:
I have not been on here for months now after the loss of my darling Dallas. After many tests I was told that my lovely girl had terminal cancer nothing could be done to save her. My world collasped there and then but I knew that I had to be strong for her, this was in Oct 2015. I made my mind up that Dallas would contuine to live her young life as a happy little horse. She was such a strong little fighter and had overcome such a lot in her short little life, and some how I just hoped this brave little horse would prove them all wrong.
Dallas contined to look great and showed no signs of being ill, so I took her to a couple of local little shows to have some fun and experience what life had to offer. She did well and look great the next season we moved yards so early summer we did not get round to doing any more. I always knew that when she showed any signs of things begining to chance that no matter how hard it was for me she had to come first.
In Oct 2016 she just seemed to loose a little bit of her sparkle and I had a sinking feeling that some thing had started to change, I called the vet and they did a couple of tests and gave her some medication and my lovely Dallas was transformed into the bright happy young horse.

She went into the front field with my Ebony and the pair looked stunning together. My phone went off a couple of hours later and they told me it had spread and I had to make the worst decision of my life to let her go while she was not suffering and with her dignity, my heart had been ripped out but I knew for Dallas I had to think of her and let her go.

We spent a lovely few hours together and with her field mates loads of cuddles and treats she look amazing ..................... The vet turned up they told me I had made the correct decision. We took the other horses away and she was very calm, I told her how much I loved her and how sorry I was that I could not save her, I felt I had let her down. She passed away very quicly and very peacfully she was ready to go and did not fight it, and at the very moment she went my Ebony cried out and I was heatbroken, I held and hugged her on the floor and just told her how much I love her but I could not cry I had tried so very hard to be brave for her and not let her see how upset I was because I did not want to upset her, I covered her with her red fleece and she looked like she was sleeping.

My hopes and dreams for our future died with her , she is no longer in pain and will stay forever young..............

Holme Park Dallas............. If loved could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

I am racked by guilt that she might suffered and I have cried every single day since, and in floods of tears as I type this

Will this ever end I have her ashes so she is back home with me, but not my Stunning little horse.
Thank you for taking the time to read our story.
Click to expand...

I know the pain your feeling and the guilt for your precious little Dallas I have been in your shoes a few times and it hurts and still hurts years later.One of mine was only 5 when she went over the rainbow. I too have my horses ashes and they will stay with me always.

Have you had anything done in her memory like a portrait or something to have in your house or bedroom. Maybe something else in her memory what about a star if you can afford it

http://www.star-registration.co.uk/order/



Nothing but heart felt hugs to send as most of us have been there and know the feeling so well. :(
 
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She was a lucky, lucky horse. So many owners would have waited far too long, in order to try to spare their own pain.
 
I have had a few items made into jewellery and a paper weight. Her shoe I had silver plated and a paper image done by a very talented artist. Would love to get her portrait done, do have Ebony and Midnight done few years back, but run out of money at the moment but will get that done next. My thoughts are with you all for your own grief.
 
I really think your grief is linked to her age. I lost a two year old in a field accident which could have been prevented. We fought for ten weeks to save her knowing she would only ever be a broodmare but in the end she was pts. I was devastated. I can remember hiding in the wardrobe and rocking! I shut the stable door and didn't open it for 6 months. She is the only horse that I could not bear to be present when pts. I am feeling sad just writing this 20 year down the line. I bought a five year old about two years later. No more babies for me. It took me about 15 years to buy another youngster and when I did, I just did the basics with her so that I didn't become too attached. Just in case. No hopes allowed either! In comparison, a few years ago I had my old horse pts. He was 37 and I had had him 35 years. I found him unable to get up in the morning, called the vet and had him pts. Then went to work in the afternoon much to the astonishment of my colleagues. Of course I was sad but I didn't grieve in the same way. It was in many ways a relief.

So what I am trying to say is losing a youngster is really hard as they have their whole life ahead of them and this is cut short. It is not the same as losing an older horse. Time is the only healer tbh. How much time it takes is individual and when you are ready you will get another horse, but only when you are ready. No-one on this forum will judge you as we know and understand the bond we have with our horses. I understand that you need to talk about it to someone and would recommend you find someone who has lost a young horse as they will understand more of what you are going through. I would be happy to talk to you if you want. Just pm me. But if you are not ready then don't feel pressurised. :)
 
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