Struggling

[Incognito123]

I have been a long running member but set up a discrete profile, just in case

I'm really struggling with some people at my yard at the moment

I rent the place and allowed some 'friends' in with me. I currently feel like they've taken over, and I'm too weak to defend myself

They have recently started to avoid me and speak to me like rubbish on message. Despite both coming bitching to me about each other last year, and I tired to do what I could to sort things out. Now I feel like the bad person

I know the right thing to do is to ask them to leave but I'm too weak to have that conversation

I've spent so much time crying recently, think lockdown is taking its toll on me and I have no one else I can speak to, as my other horsey friends know at leadtone of them. And non horsey people just don't get it

I don't know what I expect from this message but I just need to get it off my chest
Sorry

 

[bouncing_ball]

I think if lease is in your name only, you hold the cards, and might need to gently remind them of this.

 

[Littlewills]

If you dont care about being friends then stick a letter on their respective doors and avoid them till they leave. Its really not the ideal way to do it, but no one should be crying like that over the actions of supposed friends.

 

[PurBee]

Never be sorry for how you feel!
you want a peaceful friendly yard and finding others there dont relish the same idea a d love creating drama.
Its hard to come to terms with people turning out to be not as we thought, but its how we deal with it that helps us grow.
They are, as they are, there’s no changing anyone - so feel confident to voice your views, that you started the group to enjoy horses together, and are feeling sad it’s not turned out that way.
It does sometimes take courage to speak the truth, yet when we do, we are taking back our own power, not giving it to others to abuse.

You sound like a very accomodating, gentle person so i understand you feeling weak due to this drama.
Something needs to change, if they wont, you can.
Have you considered leaving the yard For another?
Are the issues so severe you need to kick some off?

We dont know the exact details obviously, but if its causing daily stress and negatively impacting your life, do whatever you can to change it, you wont regret it. Be strong, sometimes the best thing to do is the hardest...once we go through a few of those experiences, we gain a natural strength.

A big hug and wishing you luck x

 

[Muddywellies]

Oh bless you. You sound very similar to me. I too would be so scared about confronting them and asking them to leave. But, what's going to happen if you don't. It's going to rumble on, getting worse and worse. They have shown you diddly squat respect, even though you were good enough to share your yard with them. Please be strong and do this for yourself. You need to get them out to save your sanity.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

If you have a partner or a relative who can go to the yard with you, ask them to be there with you whenever these people are likely to be there. Hand them each a letter giving them notice and don't let them change your mind. This is where the person with you comes in, the liveries won't try to bully you while you are not on your own.

 

[Equi]

Sounds like a very sorry situation. At some point though you are going to have to put your foot down and take over that "owner" role or you will always be feeling like this. How many stables do they rent from you?

 

[Incognito123]

Thanks for your kind words

I won't ever leave, I've had my horses there 20 years (excluding a few years break where I moved out of the area)

Ive spent a lot of money putting in a track system, and that is why one of these people wanted to move in. I was nervous about letting them come and the horses haven't really settled with each other a year on. By having the extra horse has resulted in much more mud, which is also stressing me out

I know I need to man up and say something, but I know I'll end up crying and I really don't want to do that

The farmer let me private rent the field because he knew I'd not give him hassle, and he didn't want to have liveries on the rest of the farm because of the hassle, and now I can see why

 

[Equi]

Do you have anyone else who could text/email/call them on your behalf and just explain the lands not holding up to that many horses ? If you dont wish to be friends with them after, don't worry about offending them! I completely understand the feeling though...asking my brestfriend to leave my yard was horrific but i did it and it worked and we are still best friends lol

 

[dreamcometrue]

Tell them. Let it out and cry if you need to. They will see how absolute the requirement is that they go.

 

[Winters100]

You are not weak, you just feel that way right now.

If you take this into your hands and take charge of it you will start to feel strong. Don't focus on how difficult the conversation will be, or the notice period, focus on how good it will feel when they are gone, and going forward having some positive people in their place.

When you go to tell them stand tall and let them see that you are not to be bullied. Don't get drawn into discussion about how difficult it makes things for them, or why they feel you are unfair, just tell them that it is not working for you and you are ending the arrangement.

Good luck, and feel free to PM anytime if you need to chat.

 

[Spotherisk]

I’ve been odd one out on a three person yard before and it was horrible and impacted awfully on my horse.

I’m afraid you will have to find your way forward and give them notice to leave. I am sorry for the grief you’re going through.

 

[nikicb]

Sorry to hear you are in this situation. I would message them both and say "I am really sorry, but this isn't working for me, so I would like to give you notice.....". If you do that, you don't have to 'blame' them for anything. They may still feel disgruntled, but you have the upper hand and can control this. Good luck. xx

 

[katastrophykat]

Find an extra reason if you need to- say that the tenancy has just renewed and that the landlord has changed a clause to a certain number of horses, or that there is to be no subletting. A white lie perhaps, but it’s then ‘out of your hands’ and they have to go.

I find that the lead up to something like this is by far harder than the deed itself and afterwards the relief is worth the lead up.

take someone else if you can, do it by message if you need to- but you need to look after yourself first and foremost.

we’re all here if you need to vent or run ideas past. ?

 

[irishdraft]

I've had this problem with my own yard when I had liveries and it's the main reason I do not have liveries anymore . Unfortunately dealing with people can be very difficult so as much as you don't want to do it you must give these people/person notice it's the only way forward in these situations.

 

[stormox]

As you rent the yard, could you tell them that you are worried you will lose the yard because you have too many horses for the land - you really do have to man up a bit and speak to them.

 

[Reacher]

Sorry to hear you are in this situation. I would message them both and say "I am really sorry, but this isn't working for me, so I would like to give you notice.....". If you do that, you don't have to 'blame' them for anything. They may still feel disgruntled, but you have the upper hand and can control this. Good luck. xx

Entirely agree with this and/or Pearls’ suggestion to take a family member etc with you if you have to tell them in person. Be strong ?

 

[Muddywellies]

Find an extra reason if you need to- say that the tenancy has just renewed and that the landlord has changed a clause to a certain number of horses, or that there is to be no subletting. A white lie perhaps, but it’s then ‘out of your hands’ and they have to go.

I find that the lead up to something like this is by far harder than the deed itself and afterwards the relief is worth the lead up.

take someone else if you can, do it by message if you need to- but you need to look after yourself first and foremost.

we’re all here if you need to vent or run ideas past. ?

This

 

[Toby_Zaphod]

I've seen this happen to several people over the years when the liveries seem to think that they run the yard. This seems to happen a lot when YOs let 'friends' on the yard. There used to be a saying "Don't go into business with friends or family" and this has happened in this case. We've been on our yard for around 5 years & over that time we have become friends with the owner, we see her a lot, she lives at the yard but we've always kept the relationship at liveries & YO. It is difficult at the moment because of the pandemic but sooner rather than later you need to pick a time & give them their notice. Our YO when she has a space for a livery she has the person to the yard & check out the facilities but she neve gives a yes or no at the time. She'll ask where they've been, which yards & how long. She'll contact the yards & find out as much as she can. She'll check Facebook & eventually will decide if the person wanting a stable is the right person not to upset the rest of the liveries. In the 5 years we've been there there has only been one livery that upset everyone & she was moved off. We've since heard that in the last couple of years she's been on 5 other yards, so I think the YO was right to ask her to leave.

You'll need to firm up & deal with your bad liveries. Don't worry about having empty stables, there are plenty of owners out there wanting livery so you'll be able to fill them easily, but d checks on them before saying yes..

 

[Meowy Catkin]

I wouldn't make up spurious reasons that could be challenged or found out to be a lie. Just give them notice to leave by a certain date. If you want to give a reason, stick to the truth that it isn't working for you and don't allow yourself to be persuaded to give them another chance.

I am assuming that they are subletting from you and not paying the farmer directly (would the farmer then need to be the one to give notice?).

 

[Tiddlypom]

I wouldn't make up spurious reasons that could be challenged or found out to be a lie. Just give them notice to leave by a certain date

This. Making false excuses rarely works out, you may well get rumbled, and that then complicates things even more.

Just give them notice.

 

[Mari]

If you have a partner or a relative who can go to the yard with you, ask them to be there with you whenever these people are likely to be there. Hand them each a letter giving them notice and don't let them change your mind. This is where the person with you comes in, the liveries won't try to bully you while you are not on your own.

I was going to say something similar. If you are going to confront them you need someone strong with you to support you & not let them bully you - my OH is brilliant at this . Also write down exactly what you want - Eg I’m giving you 4 weeks notice as from today, 1st Feb, you must have removed everything that belongs to you from my yard by 5pm on 28th Feb. An damages caused before this date/time must be paid for. Good Luck.

 

[TPO]

I wouldn't make up spurious reasons that could be challenged or found out to be a lie. Just give them notice to leave by a certain date. If you want to give a reason, stick to the truth that it isn't working for you and don't allow yourself to be persuaded to give them another chance.

I am assuming that they are subletting from you and not paying the farmer directly (would the farmer then need to be the one to give notice?).

This

I'd leave letters in their stables AND send a message at the same time.

Just that you are giving them notice and they are to be off the yard by X date.

X being the notice period in your contract and if there isnt one then 4wks time.

You dont owe them a reason and I wouldn't make one up in case they go behind your back to the farmer etc. In fact it might also be worth telling the farmer that you've given them notice just in case they try anything funny.

I wouldn't engage with them at all. If they try to butter you up or have a tantrum just hold firm to "it's not working for me". They will know themselves how they have been behaving and why notice has been served.

Then just think, 4wks from now you'll be well rid of them. You've already survived more than 4wks of them being awful so another 4wks knowing that there is an end date is nothing. Stay strong!

 

[Meowy Catkin]

Yes, TPO is right, let the farmer know that you have given them notice.

 

[Red-1]

I was going to say the same as TPO, don't do a lie about the farmer, as then they will go to the farmer and he/she will say it is OK, then you are in a pickle.

I would firstly tell the farmer that you now understand why he doesn't have liveries and that you will be giving notice to yours. Then he knows the score.

I would not give any other explanation other than that your circumstances have changed and the arrangement no longer works for you. 4 weeks or one calendar month seems fair. I would do it in writing, but also give an explanation, take a relative with you if necessary. Cry if you have to.

Good luck. Think of the peaceful spring and summer that you will have.

 

[Lipglosspukka]

If you have to have a cry then have a cry.

Bin them off. Nasty hags.