Super nervous child!

[Lollypop74]

My 7 year old daughter has been riding 18 months and we bought a pony in May. She's a lovely pony, 17 only slight vice is she's a bit jumpy and spooky but not a nasty bone in her body.

We keep her at my sister in laws with one other horse.

My daughter is a nervous rider, she's had some bad experiences, lots of falls and as such the pony only has to do the slightest thing and her confidence is on the floor again. She went to pony club camp last week which she loved but was in a group way lower than what she's capable of but didn't want to be any higher as she wanted the security of a helper ready to lead her when she felt nervous.

She hacks out on her own very happily with the other horse but she can't do that very often as she's not always about. She hates riding in the paddock on her own and she's going backwards - this time last year she was cantering and starting to jump, now she worries about trotting. She's had some lessons with her old riding school teacher, not for a few weeks though, but she's got this mental block in our paddock now as she's fallen off a few times in there and now doesn't want to ride in it!

As I said the pony is great, not sharp and would never bolt, buck etc.

I'm at my wits end as I feel she's going backwards and am questioning whether to jack it all in. She's desperate not to and I feel awful but she's an expensive pet if she's not going to progress.

I've considered whether maybe she'd be better on a yard with more people and other children to ride with.

Any suggestions very gratefully received!

 

[DuckToller]

Poor little poppet - she sounds very determined even though she is nervous, so you have to sort this!

You've said several things here that stick out to me as an instructor - the pony may not have a nasty bone in its body, BUT it's a bit jumpy and spooky. That's really not good for a nervous child and it will compound the problem - pony jumps a bit, child's heart rate goes up, pony then becomes more jumpy.

Also riding in the paddock - not great in my opinion. Hard surface, bad memories of falling off, and not many children find it fun riding on their own.

So yes, go to a yard, ideally one with a school so if she does fall off at least it won't hurt quite as much. But also look at why it is she is falling off - it really shouldn't be happening. Is the pony spooking? Is her balance not quite good enough for cantering and jumping?

In the good old days, falling off was considered part of learning to ride and you were expected to get on with it. But things have moved on, and as an instructor if a child falls off in my lesson, I question everything I did as although accidents do happen with the best laid plans, if a child comes off more than once, I speak to the parents about it.

I have a few times told parents that the pony is not right for the child and I can't teach their child any more. One took my advice, bought a different pony and the child progressed. Another refused to heed my advice, told me nothing was wrong with the pony and they carried on with it - child shortly gave up as falling off is no bloody fun at all.

So try a new yard, and ultimately look at how suitable the pony is - she might get on better with a less jumpy pony and once her confidence is up, there will be no stopping her.

 

[Clodagh]

The pony sounds unsuitable to me, my son had a super pony and he loved her but most children found her terrifying.
Perhaps get her a nice slow kickalong, on loan if possible as she might not need the confidence boost for long?

 

[Lollypop74]

She does have issues with her position, which is compounded when she's nervous - tips forwards, heels go up and she's just prone to falling off the side! This is the second pony we've had as the first one was a loan and turned out to be totally unsuitable despite him seeming fine when we tried him! He knocked her confidence. She did have lots of confidence on this pony but I think I messed it up as she was fat when we got her so put her on limited grazing, I worried she wasn't getting enough nutrients so gave her a small feed at night and I think just that tiny amount was enough to fizz her up a bit to make her silly. When I say silly, I mean looking at drain covers, and daft things like that, nothing awful. . She's much better with other ponies and horses, that was very clear at pony club last week. She is quite a kick along. She did x country being led and loved that. Maybe I'm just expecting too much and need to back off? This pony lark is stressful!!

 

[Shay]

Sometimes with kids they go through a phase of just not seeming to go anywhere. As long as they are happy where they re I think our role as parents is to just let that be. I've seen far too many PC and BS kids being pushed through and pushed to progress. In the long term that doesn't do the kids any good.

But I would also echo a lot of what others have said - and actually what you have said too....

If you are able to get to a yard with a surfaced school and others around that might help - although at 7 watch out for a confident / overconfident colleague who might accidentally (or on purpose) pressure her. So kids thrive on the competition element and some are destroyed by it. Without being a helicopter parent it is really worth keeping an eye on friendship dynamics at that stage.

Also having pony at a larger place with more horses might act to make her less spooky. With only one other pair bonding can be a real issue as can the need for herd leadership.

Less food - especially if she's a bit on the plump side (aren't we all?!). If you are worried about nutrients then feed a low cal balancer only. You could try calmers - IMO they don't work on the horse. But they do work on the rider who thinks the horse will be calmer...

Really regular lessons with an instructor who understands her and understands rider nerves. Don't make her ride alone when she doesn't want to. If need be get a book on gymkhana games, handy pony courses whatever floats the child's boat. This has to be fun again.

You can get NLP practitioners who work with children. My daughter was 8 when she had her hand crushed when one of our competition ponies jumped up and done on her a bit (her hat and boots saved her from worse - but she didn't get her hand into the ball in time.) She managed all summer competing with the bandaging painted black to match her other glove (don't recommend that - it was her choice and there were reasons why it was a good idea at the time...) but once the bandaging came off her confidence just dropped. We limped along for a bit but our BS (BSJA then!) coach put us in touch with an NLP practitioner specializing in rider nerves and in children and it did make a huge difference for her.

If a good steady PC pony is available on loan that would be a good idea for a short while. Possibly you could loan out your pony at the same time? My daughter never rode the one what squished her again - although normally she was an uncomplicated ride. But didn't blink at others who to my mind were harder to handle. Kids can get fixed on the bad associations and it may be that this pony is just not what your daughter can cope with right now.

Gosh - wrote you an essay! Sorry. As one mum to another - take heart. You're trying the best you can for your daughter and we all muddle through somehow!

 

[Nicnac]

She's 7! They are wobbly at that age. Just let her do what she's comfortable with and if she doesn't want to trot - so what? Just be there for her and let her progress at her own speed - quite normal for two steps forward and three backwards with horses.

You could move to a yard but then your space where you are currently will have to be filled so SIL's horse not alone and then you may not be able to go back. Just carry on going to PC and let her progress at her pace. You could also walk out with her hacking on the lead rein if the other horse isn't available and she's not confident to ride in the paddock.

I really wouldn't go down the NLP or any other 'formal' route for such a young child as that is just making an issue of what is really quite a minor blip.

 

[Lollypop74]

I know I do keep having to remind myself she's only 7! She acts a lot older is most aspects and is the height of a 10 year old!!! I just feel sad for her as she's no belief in herself and she can ride so well when she's having a confident faze!! Leaving the yard wouldn't be an issue as they will only have family there and there are two Shetlands there for company.

 

[be positive]

She does have issues with her position, which is compounded when she's nervous - tips forwards, heels go up and she's just prone to falling off the side! This is the second pony we've had as the first one was a loan and turned out to be totally unsuitable despite him seeming fine when we tried him! He knocked her confidence. She did have lots of confidence on this pony but I think I messed it up as she was fat when we got her so put her on limited grazing, I worried she wasn't getting enough nutrients so gave her a small feed at night and I think just that tiny amount was enough to fizz her up a bit to make her silly. When I say silly, I mean looking at drain covers, and daft things like that, nothing awful. . She's much better with other ponies and horses, that was very clear at pony club last week. She is quite a kick along. She did x country being led and loved that. Maybe I'm just expecting too much and need to back off? This pony lark is stressful!!

Until her position is more secure she will continue to fall off and be nervous, I have a child at livery who was the same, every time something happened she tipped forward and came off, so she spent months on the lunge working on her stability and position, I thought she may get bored but she loved the challenges I set, working with no reins, no stirrups, doing more difficult exercises, the steps she made in the right direction gave her confidence to push herself and have fun, now she is doing far more than she would have expected 12 months ago when she first got the pony. This month she started competing and has won an Intro with the judge commenting on her correct position, today she was 3rd out of about 12 scoring over 70% on an open class, she is jumping at home and will go out soon but there is no rush, she will go at a rate she is comfrtable with, there is nothing like some success for building the confidence.

Going back to basics is worthwhile, get a good instructor on board who will work on the position and security and not want to rush on to jumping before she is ready.

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

I think everyone gets wobbles of confidence at times. My son had a fall at a rally back in January and it took him a while to admit that April made him feel worried at times when they were going into canter as she may buck. We've taken it slowly, I've booked him private lessons with my instructor and he did PC camp recently. I've done some work with his pony on the lunge too and he's now much better. Today he went off jumping small logs and fallen branches whilst we were out hacking. He rode really well. It was a worry for a few months so I appreciate where you are coming from but with some work and reassurance it will work itself out.

 

[Equi]

A challenging horse/pony will not make someone a better rider when they are nervous. They need a total "do anything" type - very hard to come by.

They may grow in confidence, they may not. My friends kid was never the best confidence wise, but after her first fall would barely trot without crying. Still won't. But will canter on a trek fine because shes not had a bad trek yet.

 

[Horseshoe2]

You could try riding at a riding school a couple of times to see what happens. It might be good to put her in a group lesson to see if she is happier with other people her age. The riding school I go to has a lot of kids riding who have their own but just go along to lessons and pony days. If you stay watching her at pony club maybe you could try and leave if , in my experience some children do really well without their parents but others do really badly, some also do better when one person, like a friend or helper, videoing them ride then they show their parent later so they get support from the parent without feeling the parent pressure that sometimes they feel with you just standing there.

 

[Mrs B]

I know I do keep having to remind myself she's only 7! She acts a lot older is most aspects and is the height of a 10 year old!!! I just feel sad for her as she's no belief in herself and she can ride so well when she's having a confident faze!! Leaving the yard wouldn't be an issue as they will only have family there and there are two Shetlands there for company.

Really don't mean to offend, but are you really sure she wants to ride? As in 'full time' with her own pony? It's supposed to be fun, and it doesn't sound like she's having fun ... maybe there's another hobby that would suit her better? I appreciate you've invested time and money, but there's no point if the child is scared for much of the time ...

 

[Lollypop74]

No offence taken!! I've asked her loads of times if she wants to carry on, I'm really not a pushy parent- I find it all quite stressful to be honest! But she's adamant she wants to continue and loves her pony to death. She loves hacking so she's just going to do that for a while then when she's ready she can go back to riding in our little paddock rather than the bigger 20x40 one as she was happy in there - happily trotting figures of eights and even jumping over poles on potties on her own!! She's just had some bad luck lately and her confidence has plummeted again but I guess I need to accept the fact we are going to have to drop back before going forwards sometimes and let her get on with it.

 

[HamSandwich]

She sounds fantastic Lollypop, what a good girl! And clearly devoted to her pony. That's brilliant that she's happy to hack and has a smaller paddock she can work in.

I don't know if this helps at all, but I was extremely nervous when I started riding again last year (it's eased now, but still lingers quite a lot). I rode an utterly delightful, but quite spooky horse, and it meant that I anticipated something happening which led to me really dreading the ride. I've ridden some absolute saints since, which has a) been very spoiling and b) really helped me to get on with the process of learning how to deal with such surprises. A horse I was on had two very Victorian aunt spooks in the field the other week (damn those trees, hanging around being trees!) and rather than my heart, and my balance, leaping into my mouth, I managed to stick it out and keep us both calm. I felt so incredibly proud afterwards! Still a total nervous Nellie, but it's coming along at least. I hope your daughter has lots of fun, and good luck to her! Sometimes going back a bit is a brilliant way to rebuild confidence and help you move forward.

 

[cherylee]

Hi I have an 8 year old who went through a similar thing a year ago they are still so young bless them. We are lucky in the sense that we are based at a riding school so there is lots of help and support! We decided to let our daughter go back to basics she went back to lead rein and had lots of lessons on the lung with out stirrups until she built her confidence back up! I think the key is to being patient with them and praising the small things I kept reminding my daughter that it was a hobby and that she should be having fun and not to put so much pressure on her self.
Good luck I'm sure she will come through the other side as a stronger rider.

 

[TGM]

If you are able to manage current pony in your current situation, so that your daughter is not likely to have another tumble, then it is worth continuing as you are, even if it you think she is not 'progressing'. There are lots of things they can do in slower paces that can develop their feel, posture, balance and core strength. DO NOT look at other children and think they are jumping, galloping, competing or whatever at the same age, so yours should. If she is really keen, she will 'push' herself to progress in the end. I would suggest you enlist an instructor to help her though, whether privately or in group sessions at Pony Club or whatever. Mums are usually far too emotionally involved to be really effective teaching their own children, even if they are very knowledgeable.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, my daughter was very nervous of jumping at age 8/9/10/11, but we let her set her own pace and now she absolutely loves it! (see pics far left and second from right in sig).