Teenage disinterest

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Equestrienne1

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I'm hoping people who read this can offer some advice. I'm at my wits' end. My daughter now aged 18 has had a gorgeous former two star horse (now enjoying lower levels following successful recovery from injury) for the last three years. She's learned how to ride him in that time (having come up through the PC) and started to do quite well with him at BE90 and 100. This year she's had A levels, got her first boyfriend and subject to grades is off to uni in October. She seems to have lost interest, says she can't bear training for competitions, doesn't want the commitment of exercising him several days a week but is fond of the horse and doesn't want him sold and if she competes at all (which is unlikely she says) expects to turn up and do well without practising. XC is his best phase after dressage and so she says she might want to do hunter trials. I feel like saying that she can't have her cake and eat it and if she doesn't want to ride he should be sold. I'd have cut off my own leg to have a horse like that at her age. It's terrribly frustrating and upsetting. I'm hoping that if I go along with this and loan him out, she will find her way back to riding one day. She hasn't had any off putting experiences to make her think this way. I've had a couple of people to look at him with a view to loan but neither was suitable. This has only served to remind me what a good rider she is which makes the whole thing doubly upsetting. Any advice or thoughts would be welcome as its doing my head in!
 
Personally I would sell the horse. He can't turn up and do hunter trials out of the field if he's unfit and unprepared - it's not fair on the horse. At 18 I think your daughter's old enough to learn that horses require responsibility and dedication. It'll be tough on her at first, but life's tough, and imo you'll do her no favours in the long run by indulging her.

Good luck, whatever you decide. :)
 
I'm not a parent but being a teacher I see similar scenarios every day and it's frustrating. However, I know from experience that the more you nag them and push them the more they will go the other way. All I know is that I lost interest in riding when it got to going to Uni age and I now deeply regret letting it slip as I'm trying to get back in the loop after a 10 yr absence! Is she happy just to ride the horse as a leisure ride? I know it might seem a waste but maybe it is the stress of all the competition that is getting to her. A different sport, but my sister was a very skilled competitive dancer in her teens but absolutely hated the stress of it all. I also have kids in my A Level class who competitively swim and have to be in the pool every morning for 2 hours before school and I know they hate it. Sometimes doing things too seriously can spoil their enjoyment at that age!
 
I'm actually wondering if the OP hasn't been a little bit OTT with the "commitment and dedication" side of things and now her daughter just wants to have a bit of fun and relax?

ETA: cross posted with casinosolo - that's my thoughts too :)
 
sounds so familiar...

Is the boyfriend into horses? if not then that is your main problem. This happened to me (many years ago now) I was lucky that my parents kept the horses and I did go back into riding and competing again after I finished Uni, and I cant tell you the relief seeing my horse and hacking out during my exams and when i was stressed out.

I ask about the boyfriend as my boyfriend at the time wasnt into horses at all and i was so infatuated with him that i began to lose interest in my horses. when we finished i realised how stupid i was to potentially give everything up for a man!

Have patience,but i would urge you not to sell. Boyfriends have come and gone in my life, but my horses were always there.

Your daughter may find (like I did) that riding will be a welcome distraction from the stresses of studying, exams and assignments.
I appreciate my parents having the foresight not to sell or loan.
 
How old is the horse? What his personality like?
Maybe he would enjoy an easier life for a few years while she is at uni. Could you take him on to do dressage or riding club activities with to keep him interested?
At 18 she can make her own decisions about competing. She may well feel that she has done enough at this point, it is a big commitment and uni will put further pressures on her.
If possible I'd hang onto him at least for the first term of uni and see how she feels then, hopefully an amazing loan home appears, have you asked at your pony club?
 
Why don't you ride him op, or look at putting him out on loan?

Certainly, unless your daughter is going to put the work in then why should you continue to pay for her very expensive hobby??
 
i do not push my kids at all, i let them ride at a reltively low level of competition, and if they want to progress it is up to them, and they still enjoy it.

Can you ride the horse yourself, if not give her some time, let the horse tick over for 6-12 months and then revisit your decision.
 
Casinosolo and Dancing Queen - sage advice, thank you, in tune with my own thoughts. She's definitely found comfort in riding during stressful exam periods for the last three years. I think I need to play a long game and be patient, as with so much as a parent, and a horse owner....
 
When I was 16 I lost interest in competing, still hacked out and always looked after my horse but I was more interested in going out with friends, clothes and boys.

I LOVED my horse though and wouldn't have dreamed of parting with her, luckily my Mum felt the same and she helped look after her when I was at uni. It was hard at Uni and I missed her and made the most of holidays.

As soon as I came back from uni I was straight back into it, saved up to buy another horse as my mare was old and retiring and I've never looked back.

I'd look to loan him out as if you sell him and she has no horse to come back to then she may never return to it, but you know your daughter and how much she loves him/ riding.

For me, I never lost interest in horses, just put them on the back burner for a few years
 
I have a similar story that may help... as a teenager i used to play the saxophone andi loved it, but my dad wanted me to go to my lessons every sat morning and work thru the grades, i got to grade 5 before discovering friday nights out and i no longer wanted the strict training and practice required to do the grades that my dad really wanted and pushed me to do. after the pressure and constant nagging to play i completely lost interest and quit altogether. Now as a 25 year old i really regret quitting altogether because i still wanted to play but just as a relaxed hobby. id suggest letting her enjoy riding the way she wants as if she is pushed to compete and train and practice she may lose heart altogether. Either that or loan/ sell the horse and wait for that moment where it suddenly clicks and she realises jist how much she misses it! Xxx
 
In answer to various questions/issues, he's 15 and laid back-ish for a TBxWB, schooled to a high level, awesome XC. I have three horses, a husband, another child and a full time job so I need someone to help me exercise him, if we keep him. I've never pushed my children - she got into competing in BE because her friends were doing so. Boyfriend not into horses, is very sporty otherwise and supportive, but looked at XC course she was doing and pronounced it "scary".
 
I was the same when i was 14-15, I had a great horse who jumped well could go and compete and be placed etc etc, but really lost interest, going out with friends etc was more appealing to me at that age, we looked at putting him out on loan found him a great home but when It came down to it my mum (at the time didnt ride) couldnt bear for him to go, so she decided rather than selling she would learn to ride. Fast forward 7-8years shes competing BE level and Im now 23 (next week) and we bought my horse 18months ago who is my world, Ive found my love for riding again I think I appreciate things alot more, I have a great boyfriend of 6yrs who supports me with the horse and helps out when he's home, I really couldn’t see my life without the horses now, I think having a few years off really helped me. Do you ride yourself? If so can you not ride him?
 
Hi, Yes just sounds about typical, The others are right you should sell or better still give the horse on loan to someone who would be more than happy with the chance to compete. That might get her thinking about what she is giving up. What a world we live in where people who have it all don't want it and those who would do any amout of horseriding to get the oppertunity to compete haven't a chance in hell of getting anywhere:rolleyes:
 
I would sell him, my daughter is nearly 18 and i have said as soon as she stops the day to day looking after of her horse she will be sold (horse not daughter!) . I haven't the time or the money to fund a part time hobby as and when my daughter sees fit. We are not at this stage, not sure if it will happen either but she knows and accepts how things are. I think the commitment bit is not OTT at all, horses are a commitment, if you are fortunate to have the time and income to indulge a child/teenager with their wish to pick up the reins occasionally and to go out to compete on a horse that someone else has kept fit and healthy that is fine. Personally I would never go down that route, may seem harsh but its all (well nearly all) or nothing. Uni will take up alot of time and after 3 yrs it will be likely that a full time job/travelling will occur and the horse will be still be 3 yrs older.
 
I do ride myself and compete in endurance riding at Open level - I've ridden all my life, doing a bit of everything in the past. Don't think it hasn't crossed my mind - inspired by Nick Skelton and Toddy! I lost my nerve for jumping a few years ago but it's coming back a bit. Whether I'd ever be up to jumping an onward bound experienced eventer over a solid big fence, I don't know.
 
jrp204 said:
I think the commitment bit is not OTT at all, horses are a commitment
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If that was referring back to my post I mean OTT as in competing, not general day to day care :) I'm in an area where the "Pushy, PC Mum" is a common occurrence and I see so many kids and teens around who are very close to giving it all up together - not because they want to but because Mummy has been too much.


OP, I am in no way inferring that you are like this but I just thought I'd add it into the mix :) In regards to exercising the horse can you either get a sharer or just hack him out?
 
I think I could probably get a sharer and ride him myself up to a point, although I've to keep my Open endurance horse training (aiming for Advanced next year), my retired hunter/eventer going for gentle hacks etc etc not to mention work and so on.

I must say its making me feel much better to share the problem and hear that other people have had similar issues.
 
Unfortunately it's one of those things. I'm 20 and stopped competing so much when I started at sixth form. As well as the work load, I suddenly had a new group of friends and wanted to socialise. Many of my friends gave up their horses altogether.

She has been really open and honest with you. Unfortunately, horses do require so much commitment and when you go to uni etc you sort of want to have a life for yourself (unless it's a horse based course in which case having a horse can make your social life!).

I'd sell/loan if I were you-or a good sharer/rider who will keep him ticking over. He's clearly talented, and as talented of a rider she may be, you can't force her. She might be heartbroken initially but she'd eventually appreciate the weight off her shoulders, she won't have to think 'I should ride, but...', and neither will she feel guilty about wasting him
 
My daughter is currently in a phase like this after living and breathing horses for 12 years. Although she didn't compete at any formal level she was a pretty good rider who worked hard at her riding and so much patience and commitment, she seemed well liked in our local horsey area and was never short of offers for horses to ride.

She spent years trying to get on top of her mare and was heartbroken when she had to admit they were not a good match. We found her a great little horse that she loves to bits and she could finally do all the things she desperately wanted to do she had a fabulous summer last year and then lost interest- but is adamant she is just on a break and does not want him sold.


For me, I don't mind if she doesn't compete, but I found it so hard to accept that she'd rather be with not very nice people than with her lovely horse. I think it would have been easier to accept if it was so she could study, save up, travel or whatever but it isn't. I am lucky I found a loaner for him and he could stay at the yard, the loaner ideally wants a part loan so I do some of the care but there is space there for my daughter should she want to return to riding, which I hope she will. The horse is happy enough, he mostly hacks with his loaner.

One good thing is that her lack of interest made me realise that I actually love horses and want them in my life for myself so I have started to learn to ride so that maybe one day I can ride our horse, or if she ever returns to riding we could maybe ride together.
 
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How about telling her if she doesn't want you to sell/full loan, its up to her to find a competent sharer, maybe from pony club, & do the rest of the jobs/exercise herself?
 
Not sure if this has been said, but I just wanted to stand up for the daughter (I am a mum of two teens).

OP, your daughter will have had such a stressful time recently with exams, uni choice, the worry over results looming and getting into her 1st choice uni. Along with leaving friendships behind, including her boyfriend perhaps, this time which we adults see as exciting, can be terrifying for our young adults. If you are also putting her under pressure to make a "decision" on her much loved horse, then I can understand her refusal to acknowledge responsibility. Just one more thing for her to worry about, poor girl. Why not take the pressure off and just agree to turn the horse away for a few months until things have settled down, she has started at uni and can see herself, where her horse may be able to fit in. She may also not want the tie of a horse at home, which will interfere with her need to seek independence. Sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but it is only through experience, that as parents we can look back and see where we would have done things differently with our own children.

Good luck to your daughter with her results (we have it in this house too) and with her chosen path for the future. Horses will still be there for her in the future (if not the current horse) - there are many of us on HHO (me included) who have had long breaks from horses only to come back to them when we are older - if not much wiser :)
 
TwoStroke said:
Personally I would sell the horse. He can't turn up and do hunter trials out of the field if he's unfit and unprepared - it's not fair on the horse. At 18 I think your daughter's old enough to learn that horses require responsibility and dedication. It'll be tough on her at first, but life's tough, and imo you'll do her no favours in the long run by indulging her.

Good luck, whatever you decide. :)
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I completely agree with this.
 
He sounds like a schoolmaster type so perhaps you could find a local trainer who would take him on for using in lessons and allow your daughter to ride occasionally. Riding is a good stress buster during the exam phase but I'd be wary of taking on all the work and expense of looking after her horse when she goes off to college.
And though it'll be an unpopular subject here, there is also the value of the animal to consider, if he has been competing successfully you'll get a much better price for him now than in four/five years time when he's unfit and 20yrs old. The difference could help fund your daughter's time at uni.
 
It happened to me, I think it happens to a lot of people.

Teens get a boyfriend the horse takes a back seat. In my case about 25 years ago I'd tack up the horse and do an extended trot to the pub to meet my boyfriend for a drink and hold the horse whilst I chatted to him! He used to think it was fun to have a horsey girlfriend, and I used to like showing off the horse and trying to impress him! Weird how we change over the years but thank God we do because some years later my Grandad who was in the mounted left me some inheritance when he died - I was older then and I had a sucession of horses, ending with my present horse Bailey who I have had for 8 years now. I've also grown up, found love and been with a chap for 12 years who works at the local riding club and is around horses most of his day so we have a common interest and he allows me to spend as much time with my horse, even if I only get to see him for an hour a night!

You may have to play the long game, or you may have to just sell. Its got to be your decision at the end of the day, but I really hope in forcing your daughter to keep her involvement in horses it doesn't end up making her resent this lovely horse. x
 
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I did the same ... had pony from about 13-17 ... lost interest when boys came along etc ... I soon got bored and went back to horses a few years later ... I'd sell/loan the horse, pushing/persuading her do more will make her go the other way :D
 
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