Telling friend getting a horse is a bad idea without being rude?

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lrw0250

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Basically I have a vey close friend who has been totally un horsey until going on a trek with her husband and kids while away on holiday last month. They all loved it and promptly signed up for lessons at a local riding school when they got back.

They have now had 3 x 45 minutes lessons as a group ( 2 adults, 3 kids). After their lesson today I got a message saying she doesn't think she is learning enough as couldn't get horse to do anything and she can't get hang of either rising trot or jumping position. She feels she needs more time to practice than she gets on the lesson and more horsey time to build up her confidence on the ground as she is nervous so is thinking about trying to find a share/part loan type thing.

I have politely told her that I don't want to put her off but that it is a lot of responsibility and time and hard work and that given her job as a nurse working shifts I think she would struggle to find an arrangement flexible enough to suit her. I offered to let her help with my section a but cannot help with riding as I currently only have a share arrangement with another friend to help with her quirky section d who I would not put a beginner on.

I have not heard from her since so think I am probably the meany for bursting her bubble. Someone please reassure me I have done the right thing!
 
I might have said something along the lines of, "why don't you see if the riding school does share schemes so that the kids get more time with the ponies and learn more" then go on to say that it takes along time, so there's no rush, but that most people would require a sharer to be at least a confident novice, so best to stick to lessons for a while and save herself the money.

Don't worry too much about it though, I'm sure she'll get over it.
 
I would probably suggest a different RS, if she cannot yet do rising trot what are they doing working on jumping position, a few private lessons would be better than trying a loan, if she could find anyone willing to let her ride anyway, if you have burst her bubble at least you have been honest trying to help, offering time handling your pony would be ideal to get her confident on the ground, even just learning the basics properly takes time as she will find out eventually.
 
It's very difficult to get this right it almost always gets taken the wrong way .
It's done now behave like it never happened that's my advice .
Your friend would benefit from some one to one lunge lessons if you get a chance to try to fall out with again !
Been there done that got the tshirt .
 
Can see both sides of this- she had fun and wants to learn more, and you feel she's jumping in at the deep end.

I got Red having had no riding lessons (not even sat in a donkey!) And little ground experience- had done a couple of in-hand classes with a friends pony. 18m later I hack out alone, have him on full loan and have never been happier!!

I suppose you know your friend though, and can tell if its too much for her

I don't think you're a meany, you gave an honest opinion without malice- if she doesn't listen she'll find out the hard way what you meant, and maybe appreciate it more.

Ax
 
I do agree with what you're saying BUT.... I learnt to ride when I was young by taking out my friends pony. I'd never been on one before and she went out with me half a dozen times and after that I went on my own. This pony was a saint and we spent many hours together. My parents could not afford to send me for lessons so that's how I learnt. I can work with the right horse.
 
Thanks gg thats made me feel a bit better!

part of the problem is that she sees ads on Facebook for 2 days a week part loan for half the price of the weekly lesson. I am hoping her other half will be sensible about it as she seems to have lost all common sense in her new found obsession! Its good she is keen but not that she is impatient.
 
Good for her for being keen, and good for her for wanting to spend time on the ground and building up her confidence!

You don't have to share yours, but I do think you could help her by making suggestions. Why don't the whole family start by asking the RS if they can come down a bit early before lessons and learn how to tack up or muck out, and build on it from there? She's unlikely to find a share just at present with her level of experience - but she'll get there eventually. We were all where she is once, and unlike a lot of people she sounds like she knows she's got lots to learn and also sounds like she's willing to put the effort in.

I don't think it's ever a good idea to squash enthusiasm like that - much better to channel it by making helpful suggestions.

FWIW I knew a couple who had booked a ride on a holiday in Hawaaii, and had a few lessons before they went just to prepare. They loved it, carried on with the lessons, started helping at the RS and now have horses of their own. They started from scratch in their fifties. Everyone can get there if they have the support.
 
Just try to be honest but nice.
Give her some website links, books etc and advice stable management lessons and individual riding lessons.

If she says its too expensive then explain the costs involved with a horse!
 
Thanks all. Its really the logistics of a share which worries me rather the work itself. She works varying shifts all hours of the day and night and her husband runs his own business. Its hectic with the kids let alone a horse in the mix too.
 
blimey OP I am surprised to see so many comments apparently thinking a share is a good idea - I don't at this point at all! Think you were very kind and responsible to spell out some of the practicalities and hopefully your friend will think again and have lots more lessons first!
If you do speak again (!) you could suggest she looks around for 'children's riding week' type events at local riding schools - these often involve stable management and if her children are a suitable age it would be brilliant to show them how to look after horses.

:)
 
Well just sent her an email with links to the free horse management course on coursera and to our local rda group who need volunteers. Have said I will keep an ear out for anyone locally who may want help with their horses. Its a fine line between being realistic and discouraging her. Thanks for some great advice. Oreos all round!
 
lrw0250 said:
Well just sent her an email with links to the free horse management course on coursera and to our local rda group who need volunteers. Have said I will keep an ear out for anyone locally who may want help with their horses. Its a fine line between being realistic and discouraging her. Thanks for some great advice. Oreos all round!
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Now that's a great thing to have done. Hope she sees you for being a sensible and practical friend. When it comes to animals that can kill us, it pays to listen to people who tell us the truth, not just what we want to hear :)
 
be positive said:
I would probably suggest a different RS, if she cannot yet do rising trot what are they doing working on jumping position, a few private lessons would be better than trying a loan, if she could find anyone willing to let her ride anyway, if you have burst her bubble at least you have been honest trying to help, offering time handling your pony would be ideal to get her confident on the ground, even just learning the basics properly takes time as she will find out eventually.
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Kiddies get madly excited if they walk over a pole .........in the jumping position .........lol
 
MrsD123 said:
Kiddies get madly excited if they walk over a pole .........in the jumping position .........lol
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Yes exactly. I think having a lesson as a family is not ideal. I have also suggested that they split up and have separate lessons for the adults and kids.
 
This is the Catch 22 of learning to ride as an adult. It happened to me. You need lots of saddle time and the chance to practise between lessons, yet a riding school set up doesnt allow for this. And cost per hour for the riding in lessons is sky high.
I didnt ever solve it. Though it does sound as if one to one lessons and may be some lunge lessons too would be a better foundation for your friends riding.
The problems with riding trot and forward seat may be real or could just be the side affect of being taught a more classical way first, sitting to both trot and canter. My OH had been learning almost a year before he got rising trot.
In any case one cant learn everything all at once when starting to ride. The stable management is just as important for everyone too.
So there may be nothing you can do for your friend except guide her to a good teacher, and tell her to persevere. A year from now she may have stopped worrying about progress and be in a better position to take decisions. For myself, I treated it a bit like doing a language for GCSE - and the Home work problem was solved in the second year, when I started hacking and that gave me a chance to practise what I had learned in my weekly lesson.
 
Its probably quite economical to try the pony trekking again, its going to cost a fortune if the whole family want a lesson once a week, I was totally horse addicted from age 8 to 68, but RS lessons would have turned me off completely. It was old school, and we learned riding bareback up to the field every nights, could only afford a lesson every three weeks.
 
There is a RS [A Riding Academy apparently!] near here which does lessons on a mechanical horse, that might be good for adults to move on quickly.
RDA is a good idea but the kids may be too young, the RS locally does weekends [includes camping] where kids own / share ponies for two days, includes management, and there is "pony club" every week , management, games and art for young teens, and also a kiddies only pony club night.
 
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Yes heard back and seems I didn't offend too much , phew! she is going to get in touch with rda. Thats more for her than the kids as she has been so nervous around the horses on the ground - the rs let them untack after the lesson and she said she is petrified of getting trampled or squashed in the stable. So that along with helping me out with my wee pony should help her confidence in handling.
Riding wise she also wants to come and watch me and my friend school to try to see where she is going wrong. Her rs only do lessons no trekking or hacking so she has said she is going to look around at others and maybe alternate between lessons and hacks which I think would be a good idea. I got the impression that both the kids and her husband are doing quite well and its just my pal who is struggling with it which has put her on a downer and also encouraged her to practice more, hence the share idea.
 
I can understand your friends view OP.

I'm sure when we all first started riding, we got hooked and wanted to jump 100 steps forward without realising that it takes a lot of time/experience/money etc.

I started learning as an adult, and got really disheartened with my RS and felt I wasn't progressing quick enough. Good RI's are like gold dust. I had to talk myself out of jumping ahead so many times (shares, loans etc - not that I would have got one anyway!). I finally got an (almost) schoolmaster after a year, and started having lessons with freelance instructors.

The RDA is an awesome shout though. They're always a friendly bunch, and I found not everyone was horsey so they were always super happy to show you the ropes from scratch with regards to horse care.

Helping out, she'll probably get even more hooked but she'll soon realise everything doesn't happen over night.
 
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