grhands
Well-Known Member
Hi everyone.
I’ve been on a bit of a journey!
So I’m 42 and had horses all my life up until three years ago. My beautiful Dutch warmblood was killed in a freak accident and then shortly after I bought a horse from a dealer that was horribly missold. She passed the vetting, and was fine for two weeks. Then she started napping, broncing and rearing. She ended up rearing over on to me, and £20k’s worth of veterinary investigations found nothing wrong with her: psychological trauma was the diagnosis, so I kept her to save her from a life of misery.
I then considered getting another to be my ‘horse of a lifetime’ and started looking, but became sick. I was diagnosed with Addisons disease and then cancer. This was two years ago.
I’ve done so well over the last two years. I thought I was going to die at one point and had even written books and recorded videos for my three children. However I couldn’t give up for their sake and eventually I got the all clear. Well, stable disease! I’ll take that! I was only 7st but gained weight and a year ago I started to entertain the idea of finding a small, easy, quiet horse to enjoy life with! I’d lost so much of my identity already as I was a nurse and medically retired. I missed being me and missed being around horses. I started lessons and actually wasn’t too bad which was surprising.
Two days ago I found the perfect horse. So perfect I felt comfortable bombing around on him like I’ve never done since my return from poorliness! He’s an angel. A little 15.3hh Connie and I adore him. I didn’t want to get off. He even had a pheasant fly up infront of his nose on a hack and barely batted an eyelid. I immediately paid the deposit.
However for some reason I am now struggling with massive anxiety. I am scared. What if I become sick again? What if this perfect horse behaves like Lucy did? Should I be spending this much money on myself (11.5k) from my retirement money?! What if something goes wrong and I run out of cash? I’m torturing myself with the “what if’s”!! To the point I’ve lost two nights of sleep!
But at the same time if I let this little horse slip through my fingers I’ll be devastated… and lose my deposit.
I’m so torn and I’m in a bit of a pickle. I also have Addisons which is a stress triggered disease and I’m stupidly making myself ill.
Is it normal to feel this way after paying a deposit? I’ve had ‘big purchase’ anxieties before after buying cars etc… but nothing like this. I’m wondering if it’s a bit of trauma catching up with me.
I know this little horse could make me a very happy lady, he wants to please and look after his rider and he’s as gentle as a lamb (even with my ten year old daughter). So why am I stalling so?
I have to make a decision soon as the seller will get fed up with me. I paid the deposit on Monday.
Please tell me I’m not alone! I’m feeling like a crazy lady!! Has anyone been through similar? What did you do and how did it turn out?! My heart says yes but my head is messing things up!!
Thank-you,
Gemma
I’ve been on a bit of a journey!
So I’m 42 and had horses all my life up until three years ago. My beautiful Dutch warmblood was killed in a freak accident and then shortly after I bought a horse from a dealer that was horribly missold. She passed the vetting, and was fine for two weeks. Then she started napping, broncing and rearing. She ended up rearing over on to me, and £20k’s worth of veterinary investigations found nothing wrong with her: psychological trauma was the diagnosis, so I kept her to save her from a life of misery.
I then considered getting another to be my ‘horse of a lifetime’ and started looking, but became sick. I was diagnosed with Addisons disease and then cancer. This was two years ago.
I’ve done so well over the last two years. I thought I was going to die at one point and had even written books and recorded videos for my three children. However I couldn’t give up for their sake and eventually I got the all clear. Well, stable disease! I’ll take that! I was only 7st but gained weight and a year ago I started to entertain the idea of finding a small, easy, quiet horse to enjoy life with! I’d lost so much of my identity already as I was a nurse and medically retired. I missed being me and missed being around horses. I started lessons and actually wasn’t too bad which was surprising.
Two days ago I found the perfect horse. So perfect I felt comfortable bombing around on him like I’ve never done since my return from poorliness! He’s an angel. A little 15.3hh Connie and I adore him. I didn’t want to get off. He even had a pheasant fly up infront of his nose on a hack and barely batted an eyelid. I immediately paid the deposit.
However for some reason I am now struggling with massive anxiety. I am scared. What if I become sick again? What if this perfect horse behaves like Lucy did? Should I be spending this much money on myself (11.5k) from my retirement money?! What if something goes wrong and I run out of cash? I’m torturing myself with the “what if’s”!! To the point I’ve lost two nights of sleep!
But at the same time if I let this little horse slip through my fingers I’ll be devastated… and lose my deposit.
I’m so torn and I’m in a bit of a pickle. I also have Addisons which is a stress triggered disease and I’m stupidly making myself ill.
Is it normal to feel this way after paying a deposit? I’ve had ‘big purchase’ anxieties before after buying cars etc… but nothing like this. I’m wondering if it’s a bit of trauma catching up with me.
I know this little horse could make me a very happy lady, he wants to please and look after his rider and he’s as gentle as a lamb (even with my ten year old daughter). So why am I stalling so?
I have to make a decision soon as the seller will get fed up with me. I paid the deposit on Monday.
Please tell me I’m not alone! I’m feeling like a crazy lady!! Has anyone been through similar? What did you do and how did it turn out?! My heart says yes but my head is messing things up!!
Thank-you,
Gemma
I always remember a horse never a poster 
