The British stiff upper lip

[Penny Less]

Having lost my horse a month ago, I have been questioning myself as to why I am not still
absolutely distraught, Although I am very sad about losing him. I have come to the conclusion that its because when it happened I sat in my car afterwards for about 20 mins absolutely howling, crying and getting slightly hysterical. Many people in other countries show their distress very vocally when faced with death etc, whereas we tend to button up and keep it inside more which maybe is the wron g thing to do. Any thoughts on this ?

 

[benson21]

Absolutely. My councellor used to ask me every week 'how are you? How are you feeling?' and every week I used say, 'I am ok'. But by the end of the session, 9 times out of 10 I am was tears, after she tells me its ok to show feelings. I now have given myself permission to show my feelings, ok, mostly when I am on my own, because I dont want to upset others. I think if we all took care of our own feelings without the worry of others, we would live in a much more open place.

ETA.... sorry, thats a real waffle of thoughts!!!

 

[kickonchaps]

Nowt to do with horses but I ended things with my first boyfriend 18 months ago and on the drive home from his gave myself 10 minutes of the 20 minute drive to sob so hard and so loud I thought I'd be sick, and after 10 minutes I said, you chose this, now stop crying about it. It worked for 14 months, until I stopped going out every weekend and realised actually I've made a horrible horrible mistake, and the last 4 months have NOT been nice, he has a new girlfriend now and he's moved on.

I think the stiff upper lip only works so far, and if you try and keep a wound covered without actually treating it, eventually you'll realise it still hurts like a mother*****r!!

 

[Kenzo]

You pretty much did the same as me but it wouldn't of stopped me from getting another horse soon after...even if it was just a week after!

Thankfully I had a youngter that I bought before I lost my old lad so he kept me busy and my mind of it all, don't get me wrong I still shed a tear to this day if take a moment to sit down and think about him when looking at a photo and I can still see him now in the field looking round at me but you have to move on and you have to want to move on, how quick you do it is up to you, nobody should judge anyone for it, we all deal with it in different ways, sometimes it takes a while to get over the shock, sometimes it takes a while to get over the missing them stage.

Personally, I think the quicker you get out there and buy yourself another horse the better and you shouldn't feel guilty for it, your not replacing the horse, you just replacing that gap that you spend all your time and money on (...well it's true!).

But if you don't feel ready, then that's fine too.

I don't think people in the UK have a stiff upper lip about it..do they? I wear my heart on my sleeve and if I need to cry, I do, I can't hold it in when it comes to stuff like that.

 

[kickonchaps]

Personally, I think the quicker you get out there and buy yourself another horse the better and you shouldn't feel guilty for it, your not replacing the horse, you just replacing that gap that you spend all your time and money on (...well it's true!).

I had the opposite! My new boy arrived home a bit under a month after we lost my mare, and I found looking for him quite therapeutic, although it was tough to see so many horses that didn't match up to her (inc one that was her absolute spitting image )

It took me about a year to get him working properly as he wasn't an easy horse, he'd nap, buck and rear, and it was made worse by the fact I was constantly thinking 'She wouldn't have done that, she'd have looked after me'. Crazy as it sounds, one day I went out in the stable and told him all about her, and it actually helped! If anyone's read 'Rebecca', I would swear blind the first part of that book is true for horses too - I think they know when they're living in someone else's shadow.

 

[Lolo]

See, I like the 'stiff upper lip'. Internalising isn't bad unless you do it all the time and don't allow yourself to be upset. When my horse was PTS, I cried a bit when I was told, sobbed 2 days later for an hour or so on my (non-horsey, poor sod!) friend's shoulder and since then have only had brief moments when I've been hit with the fact I won't ever see him again.

The ability to stick your chin up and march on can be good. As long as you let yourself feel, there's no harm in not letting others know. Grief and other such emotions are, imo, extremely private and how you deal with them is entirely your decision and no one else has the right to do anything other than support and guide you when you ask.

 

[Kenzo]

I think they know when they're living in someone else's shadow.

Yes I think they do don't they, horses are very good at picking up on our emotional state, you can't expect them to be like any other horse and until you accept them for who they are, your pretty much screwed if you have a horse with a completely different temperament.