The Dog and I REALLY are not getting on

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PercyMum

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I think I am a really bad person and I don't know what to do.

My husband and I decided to rescue 2 greyhounds - I am an experienced dog owner, although have only had springers/labs/retrievers before. The first few months were hard as the boy turned out to have cancer and had to be put to sleep. The girl is THE most wilful dog I have ever come across from the start and to train her I have had to be very strict, but fair. My husband is a total softy but is getting better but she clearly prefers him to me for obvious reasons. If he is there, she won't come to me and just wants him all the time which is hurtful but I do understand why.

We then got another rescue greyhound who is very affectionate but is actually the stupidest dog alive (in a nice way!!). I initially found it hard to bond with him but now I think he is great. However, my already tenuous bond with the girl is getting more strained. Her most recent trick is to start yelping when I stroke her. Took her to the vets and there is nothing wrong so have no idea why she has started this. This evening she started wailing for no apparent reason then why I tried to feel what was wrong, she howled even more then walked off and p***ed all over the living room and now thinks I am public enemy number one. I have this massive feeling of resentment towards her which is ridiculous and I don't know why. I always have to think three steps ahead of her and if I am honest, I feel like I cannot be bothered as this has been going on for 18 months.

I must sound like an awful person. I am sure she must pick up on it and vice versa and I need to try and work out how to rescue our relationship as its even starting to affect the relationship with my husband.

Any ideas?:(
 
I'd say she is definitely picking up on it. They say we're supposed to be the smart ones but dogs can tell more from our body language and 'vibes' than we give them credit for.
It's the same as people, you won't get on with or like every single other human being on the planet, some dogs don't get on with some other dogs, some people don't get on with some dogs etc etc etc.

This will be even more apparent if you have ALWAYS been on her case with training etc - we humans put a lot of store into training but we do forget to play with our dogs sometimes - she probably feels a lot of pressure from you (it's unwitting, I am not criticising, easiest thing in the world to do)

If you don't like her/don't gel with her, there's no shame in trying to find her another home as the situation is doing neither of you any good, you're not happy and I bet she's not happy either.
I had a little female I just did not gel with, my mother and I both tried very hard, things did not work out on several levels and she is no longer with us, it didn't turn out the way I had hoped, I feel sad about it, but we did what we thought was best for the dog's, and our, sanity/mental health.

Having said that, it's a terrible time of year :( and if you are considering a rehome, try and do it privately and home to home, as you probably know all the charities are stretched with pre-Christmas dumpings and will be busy well into the new year with post-Christmas chuck-outs.
 
I would get your husband to ignore her, you feed her, you walk her and when she makes overtures to your husband tell him to ignore her. They are not the brightest of dogs and I wouldnt pet her at all unless its you that istigates it. They are terrible wimps and they only have to step on a stone and they scream the place down. Try not to worry as she will be picking up on this and it may be making her anxious.
 
Oh we would never get rid of her - worst case my parents would probably have her.

Husband has been away for the last month leaving me in charge and with 2 horses and 2 dogs and a job I am shattered. But I am strict with them both because i do believe that when a dog knows its bottom of the pile its happy as it knows its place. Our girl was a nightmare to train and the way she looks at me I know its with faint loathing, as opposed to the boy who just adores anyone. Its geting worse and I take the point made about not playing with her enough but then she has never really done 'playing'. perhaps the odd charge around the garden.

Usually I do some proper fun walks at the weekend and let her hoolly around and do lots of fun training with her but the weather has been pants and she detests the rain so its been functional walkies only.

I just feel so awful for feeling such animosity towards a poor animal but she just winds me up and I feel so stupid for saying that but honestly, if you saw her you would think she is doing it on purpose!
 
Maybe seeing the bond you have with the dog has made her anxious, I dont think there will be too many thoughts going around her head as I said they are not the brightest. I think if you give her a bit of time she may come round in her own time. The ones I know dont have amazing personalities and they can be aloof, it just maybe her personality and you just have to accept that.
 
Try to bear in mind dogs don't do things on purpose to wind us up and that dogs, like people, have different learning styles, as was pointed out a few weeks ago - her 'wilful' behaviour might be a reaction to your training style, and greys don't respond to things the way a gundog would...she does sound a bit stressed and so do you and you two will be winding each other up without even trying, just try and take all the pressure off, dogs feel pressure differently to what we do, it could be the tone of your voice, your posture, anything, try and make the connections between her behaviour and your behaviour and why your husband seems like a nicer person to be with and try and incorporate some of his style into yours?

Rambling, I'm sorry :o

ETA: Re the timeframe - my young dog and I (I bought him for a specific purpose) have had a couple of clashes and he was going to the cops not so long ago, I've had to stop and start his training about four times and it is only finally clicking together (touch wood) now, what worked for my old dog, did not work for him, what worked for the person I had been listening to's dog, did not work for him, I had to modify my training to suit the type of dog he is - I've had him 19 months!
 
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Dobiegirl said:
Maybe seeing the bond you have with the dog has made her anxious, I dont think there will be too many thoughts going around her head as I said they are not the brightest. I think if you give her a bit of time she may come round in her own time. The ones I know dont have amazing personalities and they can be aloof, it just maybe her personality and you just have to accept that.
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We have had the dog for 4 months and maybe she is adjusting still. She was alone for 6 months but we thought that she would prefer a companion and we knew he was going to be destroyed so agreed to take him. She used to be quite affectionate but not so much now. I think its something to do with my husband going away but not sure what or why since he is the soft one!!
 
CaveCanem said:
Try to bear in mind dogs don't do things on purpose to wind us up and that dogs, like people, have different learning styles, as was pointed out a few weeks ago - her 'wilful' behaviour might be a reaction to your training style, and greys don't respond to things the way a gundog would...she does sound a bit stressed and so do you and you two will be winding each other up without even trying, just try and take all the pressure off, dogs feel pressure differently to what we do, it could be the tone of your voice, your posture, anything, try and make the connections between her behaviour and your behaviour and why her husband seems like a nicer person to be with and try and incorporate some of his style into yours?

Rambling, I'm sorry :o

ETA: Re the timeframe - my young dog and I (I bought him for a specific purpose) have had a couple of clashes and he was going to the cops not so long ago, I've had to stop and start his training about four times and it is only finally clicking together (touch wood) now, what worked for my old dog, did not work for him, what worked for the person I had been listening to's dog, did not work for him, I had to modify my training to suit the type of dog he is - I've had him 19 months!
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Thanks. Very good advice and I agree but I don't know how to change :(

And when my husband was left in charge she pissed all over the house, wouldn't do as she was told and generally ran riot then disappeared when he let her off the lead because her recall to him when out is terrible. I am tough but fair with her and she is fine but clearly does not like me for it, for example her recall is perfect when its me by myself. This is polarised when he goes away and I totally see your point and agree we are winding each other up without meaning to. She does almost seem afraid of me but the majority of her behaviour is very dominant and so I just don't know what to do. She went to numerous dog training classes with me and my husband and was excellent. Its just more at home she is wilful.

I feel so bad and a truly horrid owner for not liking my dog.
 
My friend's boyfriend used to have a dog like that. In my opinion all of the problems were caused because the dog was extremely nervous, and really quite scared of my friend.:(

I wouldn't focus on the fact that she prefers your OH. We have two dogs, the bitch adores me, the dog adores my OH, and will totally ignore me when he comes in. Perhaps don't try and touch her, try and persuade her to be in the same room as you, sitting quietly, and just talk to her, tell her shes a good girl, give her a treat, just vocally fuss her with a soft voice. Do it perhaps for ten minutes, and build it up.

You've not had her long, and she's had a lot to deal with anyway, so she may take time. Probably your hubby going has upset her. I'm cabin crew for an airline, and my bitch gets quite depressed and sulky when she sees a suitcase. Give her a bit of time, see how she is when your OH comes back. Focus on how happy you will be to win her over...
 
Honey08 said:
My friend's boyfriend used to have a dog like that. In my opinion all of the problems were caused because the dog was extremely nervous, and really quite scared of my friend.:(

I wouldn't focus on the fact that she prefers your OH. We have two dogs, the bitch adores me, the dog adores my OH, and will totally ignore me when he comes in. Perhaps don't try and touch her, try and persuade her to be in the same room as you, sitting quietly, and just talk to her, tell her shes a good girl, give her a treat, just vocally fuss her with a soft voice. Do it perhaps for ten minutes, and build it up.

You've not had her long, and she's had a lot to deal with anyway, so she may take time. Probably your hubby going has upset her. I'm cabin crew for an airline, and my bitch gets quite depressed and sulky when she sees a suitcase. Give her a bit of time, see how she is when your OH comes back. Focus on how happy you will be to win her over...
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Thanks. We have had her 18 months so I would have thought she was settled by now. Don't get me wrong, she is very happy to be in the same room as me. She will quite happily come for attention and I tell her she is a good girl lots. But equally, I have to tell her off alot for bad behaviour. i tried the whole positive reinforcement thing when we first had her and it REALLY did not work. We don't allow the dogs to come over and demand attention as they were a nightmare for this when we first had them and we don't give them treats unless we are training them, aside from chew sticks. This is because they have very dodgy digestion, not because we are mean!!
 
Was she mistreated or beaten by any chance before she came to you? Our rescue bitch was very fearful initially and really took to hubby, the sun rises and sets with him. She now loves mummy too but I think a woman was cruel to her in the past, she had ciggarete burns when rescued. It's not personal they don't think that way as they live in the moment. Even now years later our baby girl looks unhappy if we forget and pass the newspaper over her head when she is cuddling us:(. Good luck.
 
Hi OP,
Sorry to hear you're having a rough time.
One thing I'd say re greyhound training - sighthounds are generally perceived to be very sensitive creatures, so being "strict" with training, rather than gently encouraging the dog, so it feels like it's doing its own bidding, can have a detrimental effect as the dog will just get stressed/upset, rather than doing what you ask of it. They can also be very stubborn!
They definitely need a different approach to labs, spaniels et al - I got a greyhound/saluki cross this time last year and found this out very quickly, so would advise doing some reading up about sighthound-specific training. It sounds obvious, but just simply lavishing praise when she does something right (something i guess you may not be doing as it sounds like you're rushed off your feet, and also as you're so stressed yourself about this) could make all the difference in starting to get your relationship with her into a happy place.
Good luck with her - I'm sure you'll soon be back on track!
 
scampi_ said:
Hi OP,
Sorry to hear you're having a rough time.
One thing I'd say re greyhound training - sighthounds are generally perceived to be very sensitive creatures, so being "strict" with training, rather than gently encouraging the dog, so it feels like it's doing its own bidding, can have a detrimental effect as the dog will just get stressed/upset, rather than doing what you ask of it. They can also be very stubborn!
They definitely need a different approach to labs, spaniels et al - I got a greyhound/saluki cross this time last year and found this out very quickly, so would advise doing some reading up about sighthound-specific training. It sounds obvious, but just simply lavishing praise when she does something right (something i guess you may not be doing as it sounds like you're rushed off your feet, and also as you're so stressed yourself about this) could make all the difference in starting to get your relationship with her into a happy place.
Good luck with her - I'm sure you'll soon be back on track!
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Thank you - I think you may be right and I need to go to some more training for me rather than her. She hasn't had a bad start in life - just a standard ex-racer. I think when we first had her we tried to be all lovely rather than stern and it genuinely got us nowhere as she was just a nightmare. To be fair, she is actually now well-trained but its clear that she is doing it because she has to and just dislikes me telling her so. I think I need to just start from basics and try and be positive all the time with her rather than telling her off when she has an evil moment or when she is wailing AGAIN for no reason. She just winds me up and its so annoying because its as if I cannot stand back and be objective and go "its just a dog, she isn't doing anything on purpose".

After chatting on here and sleeping on it I feel more positive and not quite such an evil Mum! I'm going to take her out for a walk by herself later with a big bag of treats and do some fun stuff and start from there :)
 
When you say you are strict and tough what precisely do you mean by that?

Greyhounds do need a different approach than a lot of other types of dogs. They are sensitive flowers as a rule. Also I have always found that rehome dogs whatever their background need at least a year to settle and relax to your way of life and become the dog you hoped they would be.

I would go back to the beginning and buy the book by Jan Fennel The Dog Listener and follow it. It works wonderfully for greyhounds and the like.

Good luck with it. PM me if you want to talk this out further.
 
PercyMum said:
Thank you - I think you may be right and I need to go to some more training for me rather than her. She hasn't had a bad start in life - just a standard ex-racer. I think when we first had her we tried to be all lovely rather than stern and it genuinely got us nowhere as she was just a nightmare. To be fair, she is actually now well-trained but its clear that she is doing it because she has to and just dislikes me telling her so. I think I need to just start from basics and try and be positive all the time with her rather than telling her off when she has an evil moment or when she is wailing AGAIN for no reason. She just winds me up and its so annoying because its as if I cannot stand back and be objective and go "its just a dog, she isn't doing anything on purpose".

After chatting on here and sleeping on it I feel more positive and not quite such an evil Mum! I'm going to take her out for a walk by herself later with a big bag of treats and do some fun stuff and start from there :)
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That's the spirit!!!

Also, there's some useful tips here http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/ten-rules-for-training-a-retired-racing-greyhound.html

And also some sighthound-specific sites like www.lurcherlink.org and the Greyhound Rescue people (http://www.grwe.com/homingWelfare_careGuidelines.asp). In my tearing out hair / crying on the phone to my mum moments when my boy was "settling in", they were a massive, massive help to me!!
 
It would be worth going back to the vet and asking for a check up its not normal for a dog to do that and pee all over the floor. Best to rule it out.

One of my bitches is a very sensitive soul if I am too hard on her she literally folds where as my dog you can be as hard as you like and he just stands there as if to say 'yeah yeah yeah' it may well be that your just not the right owner for her but as someone else has said xmas is a dreadful time for rescues as is new year so if you can try and remember shes just a dog, a little kindness goes a long way.
 
I have 4 greyhounds at the moment, and am an experienced sighthound owner, and I have never had these sort of problems. I am sorry to be blunt, but I think you need to re-home her - for her sake, not yours. She is obviously not settled and happy, which she should be after 18 months, and whilst it is very difficult to interpret situations from limited information on an internet forum I think she would be better off in a home where she can relax and bond properly with her owners.

ETA - if you got her through a reputable greyhound charity they will be able to help you with the re-homing process
 
Picklenash said:
I have 4 greyhounds at the moment, and am an experienced sighthound owner, and I have never had these sort of problems. I am sorry to be blunt, but I think you need to re-home her - for her sake, not yours. She is obviously not settled and happy, which she should be after 18 months, and whilst it is very difficult to interpret situations from limited information on an internet forum I think she would be better off in a home where she can relax and bond properly with her owners.

ETA - if you got her through a reputable greyhound charity they will be able to help you with the re-homing process
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Thank you for your reply. I am not going to rehome her and I have sought lots of help from the RGT where she came from - and they think she is a proper madam too! She is settled but chooses to do what SHE wants when SHE wants to do it and that's where we butt heads. We had a lovely walk today and did some fun stuff and she seems fine for now. I am booking in for one to one sessions with a trainer that my friend has recommended. This way hopefully I can adjust my style with her and we can get on a bit better.

I will not take her back to an already-stretched rescue centre when I just need to apply myself more to the problem.
 
Suelin said:
When you say you are strict and tough what precisely do you mean by that?

Greyhounds do need a different approach than a lot of other types of dogs. They are sensitive flowers as a rule. Also I have always found that rehome dogs whatever their background need at least a year to settle and relax to your way of life and become the dog you hoped they would be.

I would go back to the beginning and buy the book by Jan Fennel The Dog Listener and follow it. It works wonderfully for greyhounds and the like.

Good luck with it. PM me if you want to talk this out further.
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Thank you - things much better today and today she seems to like me again although I currently taking the aloof stance which seems to work. I'll definitely take a look at that book. Thanks for the info.

scampi_ said:
That's the spirit!!!

Also, there's some useful tips here http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/ten-rules-for-training-a-retired-racing-greyhound.html

And also some sighthound-specific sites like www.lurcherlink.org and the Greyhound Rescue people (http://www.grwe.com/homingWelfare_careGuidelines.asp). In my tearing out hair / crying on the phone to my mum moments when my boy was "settling in", they were a massive, massive help to me!!
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Thank you! We are a bit better friends today :) I'll try the contacts you gave me - the RGT have been pretty good but do agree she is being a total madam as well and have suggested further training for both of us!
 
PercyMum said:
Thank you for your reply. I am not going to rehome her and I have sought lots of help from the RGT where she came from - and they think she is a proper madam too! She is settled but chooses to do what SHE wants when SHE wants to do it and that's where we butt heads. We had a lovely walk today and did some fun stuff and she seems fine for now. I am booking in for one to one sessions with a trainer that my friend has recommended. This way hopefully I can adjust my style with her and we can get on a bit better.

I will not take her back to an already-stretched rescue centre when I just need to apply myself more to the problem.
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I was pretty sure you would reply in this vein. I do hope you manage to adjust your style.
 
Sounds like Zak! He was a trauma and did his own thing for ages. He's now 2 and we have been through three trainers until the current one who is extremely firm. We're seeing a massive improvement!

Hopefully a new trainer will sort out the issues. I'd hate to feel like my dog didn't like me!
 
I'm sorry you are having issues with this girl, but there is no need to believe that it will always be this way.

I have always taught that when there is Ny type of behaviour issue with any dog, any breed, any age that the very first thing to do is have a two week ignore period. It is extremely hard to do, but for two weeks, you must not have any eye contact, verbal contact or touch contact ( apart from putting on and taking off lead) you only use your voice for recall on a walk.

This girl, for whatever reason and without a lengthy consultation in person, I can have no idea the reasons....is not mentally happy and settled at the moment. Your communications with her are not working, so stop communicating. Two weeks of this and she will firstly become a little confused and will probably go through a few days of desperately trying to get your attention, but then, without any communications from you giving her stress, she will start to settle and relax.

Little body language tricks that are useful are to turn your face away from hers if she looks at you, get up and leave the room if she starts to try getting your attention and breathing and counting to ten if she does anything annoying.

Her behaviour does give the impression that the firm but fair approach has made her very unsettled, so allowing her time to view you as a non threatening person will give her a renewed confidence in you.

I guarantee that if you can ignore her for two weeks, you will notice massive changes. In 12 years this technique has never failed and is many cases, this alone sorts out basic behaviour issues.

The problem is very very rarely the dog, but it's perception of our behaviour as handlers, so make yourself completely neutral and pretend she doesn't exist for a while and she will see you and behave around you very differently.

So, when you wake up and go to let them out in the morning, do it without saying a word or looking directly at her. No stroking or cuddles, no conversations, no discipline save for an emergency situation.

When I did this with my rescue collie, she actually threw tantrums, but within a week she was a different dog entirely.

At the moment, for whatever reason, you are making her anxious. Her reactions make you feel guilty and frustrated and the begins a vicious circle.

Break it now and read up...as mentioned, Jan F books are great.

Good luck and if you need any in depth advice, please just PM me. I would be happy to help.
 
Sounds to me like the dog dislikes you.

There is no shame in finding a home where the dog will feel secure and loved. If you make each other anxious/unhappy, is there someone who can show her love and understanding?

I have a sighthound and his training has been completely different to the gsp's. It had to be, he'd have had a nervous breakdown :eek:
Good luck with her, whatever you decide.
 
quirky said:
Sounds to me like the dog dislikes you.

There is no shame in finding a home where the dog will feel secure and loved. If you make each other anxious/unhappy, is there someone who can show her love and understanding?

I have a sighthound and his training has been completely different to the gsp's. It had to be, he'd have had a nervous breakdown :eek:
Good luck with her, whatever you decide.
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This but not dislike more fear:( she does not choose to do when she wants honestly they really don't think that way.
 
Shivvy said:
This but not dislike more fear:( she does not choose to do when she wants honestly they really don't think that way.
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You haven't met mine! The most obstinate, naughty, clever, cheeky thing ever! The most funny and entertaining, too and totally adored (he's currently enraptured with Match of the Day, the weirdo!)
 
You can either decide that the way you have so far dealt with this dog has to change as it obviously does not suit her or, if you are unwilling/unable to do this you should seriously do your best to rehome her, perhaps with the help of a suitable rescue organisation. Having animals can involve a huge learning curve when we come across one who does not fit the mould we are used to. It is then time to seek different training viewpoints and methods and be humble enough to try them until the problems are resolved. Your dog is as she is and it dictates the way she reacts to you, you are the human with a brain who can think outside the box if you really want to. I do hope you decide to do what is best for the dog, not what is easiest for you.
Sorry to sound so stern, I know it is not easy, be strong and good luck. :)
 
umm.. why does no one read the post from the OP where she has said she is changing her style, and booked training for a 121 with the dog? Just saying!!!
 
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