Shadowdancing
Well-Known Member
Kept this on my old and probably obselete blog. I find them sooo amusing. Please add if you have any!
FOR SALE DUE TO LACK OF TIME- Rider cannot afford to spend any more time in hospital
IDEAL STUD PROSPECT- Cant afford to geld it
BROODMARE PROSPECT- Crippled
RETIRED FROM COMPETITION- Crippled
TRUE ALLROUNDER- No girth will fit him
CAN DO IT ALL- bite, kick, buck, bolt AND rear
SUIT ANYONE- Except us, we hate him
NOT FOR BEGINNERS- Or anyone else for that matter
NOVICE RIDE- The last time anyone cantered it, they disappeared over the horizon never to be seen again
NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER- Wont stop
NEEDS EXPERIENCED RIDER- Wont stop
FOR EXPERIENCED RIDER ONLY- Suit Kamikaze rider with death wish
SHOULD GO FAR WITH EXPERIENCED RIDER-probably about three counties
IDEAL TEENAGERS HORSE- Only someone under 20 will be able to recover from the injuries this horse causes
IDEAL SECOND PONY- The second you get on it'll throw you off
BROUGHT ON A NOVICE RIDER - Taught them to sit a good buck
THREE EXCEPTIONAL PACES- walk, halt and park
THREE GOOD STRAIGHT PACES- Cant bend/wont bend
BIG TROT- Can't canter
ELEVATED PACES- Ex-rodeo
MOVES STRAIGHT- doesn't do circles
ROCKING HORSE CANTER- Just goes up and down on the spot
ECONOMICAL PACES - Can't lengthen
SWEEPING PACES- Can't shorten
NICE UPHILL PACES- Its the only way to stop it, we daren't go down the hill
IMPRESSIVE- does airs above ground especially when you dont want them
WELL BALANCED- On hind legs when rearing
WORKS IN A SOFT ROUND SHAPE - When ridden in draw reins
JUST STARTING LATERAL MOVEMENTS - Learnt to cow kick yesterday
BIG BONED- Good thing he has a mane and tail or he would be mistaken for cow
FLAWLESS CONFORMATION Except for the pigeon toes/cow hocks/ herring gut etc.
SLIGHTLY BLEMISHED- Horribly disfigured
WELL BRED- Mother and father are also brother and sister
CLEAN LEGGED - They've been washed
TBx- Weve no idea how its bred but its weedy so TBx will do
IDx- Weve no idea how its bred but we suspect a Shire so we'll put it down as Irish Draught and hope no one notices it has feet like dustbin lids
DUNAPINTAARABINALOOSA (OR VARIATIONS)- Its a mongrel, probably a mutant mongrel, but it is an interesting color
MAXI-COB- Shaved cart horse
CUTE PONY- Small and hairy
ARAB - Looks startled
THOROUGHBRED - Looks terrified
COB- Fat
BLACK- Brown and/or dirty
VERY FLASHY White legs
NICELY MARKED- We couldn't think of anything else to put
ELEGANT- Thin
GOOD BONE- Fat
SOLID- Fat
SUBSTANTIAL- Fat
GOOD DOER- Gains weight hacking past the chip shop
GOOD WEIGHT CARRIER- Was born with laminitis
DEAD QUIET- Just dead
BOMBPROOF- If you don't light the fuse
SPIRITED- Psychotic
BOLD- Runaway
GOOD MOVER- Runaway
ATHLETIC- Runaway
STUNNING- Regularly drops you on your head so you see stars
SNAFFLE MOUTHED - It really doesnt matter what you put in its mouth it still wont stop
WELL MANNERED- Hasn't stepped on, bitten or kicked anyone for a week
PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED- Hasn't stepped on, bitten or kicked anyone for a month
PROFESSIONALLY STARTED- On the race track
PRODUCED BY PROFESSIONAL RIDER- ridden in draw reins all his life and finds self carriage an alien concept
HOME PRODUCED- No professional will touch it
GIVEN TIME TO MATURE- No one can be arsed to do anything with it
LIGHTLY BACKED- After heavy sedation
NICELY STARTED- Lunged, but we havent found anyone crazy enough to get on him yet
ALREADY BROKEN- 3 fence posts, 1 gate and 5 buckets
WELL HANDLED - We're too scared to ride him
LOW MILEAGE- We're too scared to ride him
HASN'T REALISED HIS POTENTIAL- We're too scared to ride him
HALTER BROKEN- Unhandled
READY TO START - Never seen a human until yesterday
NEEDS SCHOOLING- No-one can stay on it long enough to teach it anything
NO TIME TO DO JUSTICE and no death wish either thanks
READY TO BRING ON- We've tried but frankly after the bolting, ending up on a car bonnet, being scraped off on a tree and swallowing several mouthfuls of arena dust we've given up so you can try!
FOR SALE AS NOT ABLE TO PROGRESS TO NEXT LEVEL- Breaking down
NEEDS RE-SCHOOLING- screwed up
PROJECT- Totally screwed up
LONG TERM PROJECT- Lost cause
FORWARD GOING- No brakes
SUIT EVENTING- No brakes
LOVES HUNTING- No brakes
LOVES JUMPING- No brakes
DOESN'T LIKE SCHOOLING- No brakes
SUIT DRESSAGE- No accelerator
HAS COMPETED NOVICE AND ELEMENTARY- Technically entered the arena. What happened thereafter is best forgotten
EVENT PROSPECT- Big, fast horse
DRESSAGE PROSPECT- Big, slow horse
PLEASURE PROSPECT- Pretty color
SPORTING PROSPECT- Short, fast horse
BARREL PROSPECT- Fast horse which can turn
ENDURANCE PROSPECT- Fast horse which will turn sometimes
SHOW JUMPING PROSPECT- Fashion icon
POTENTIAL DRESSAGE STAR- Half passes beautifully but only when you want it to go straight
POTENTIAL BSJA STAR- Jumps 2'
POTENTIAL EVENTING STAR- Very strong and doesn't leave a show jump standing
VERY BRAVE XC - Goes at an alarming pace and jumps whatever crops up along the way, regardless of whether it's intended to be part of the course or not
NEVER HAD ANY XC PENALTIES- But sure knocks up a cricket score in the SJing phase
JUMPS FOR FUN Out of field, over handler, into path of lorry...
NEVER STOPS- Breaks speed of light when jumping courses whether the rider is still with it or not
NEVER TOUCHES A POLE- stops dead at fillers
HAS A BOLD JUMP- Most often sideways
HAS A CAREFUL JUMP - stops in front of each fence to have a good look at it
POPS A FENCE- Gets eliminated at the first fence every time out
JUMPS SMALL FENCES- Doesnt jump big fences
JUMPS COLORED POLES- Doesnt jump fillers
SCHOOLMASTER- He's in charge
CHILDS PONY- only a child will have the patience to traipse round a field for 2 days to catch it
LEAD REIN PONY- only behaves when a large man has its head in a death grip
GOOD FIRST PONY Suit child hating parents
PERFECT FIRST PONY- if they can ride this b*gger they can sit on anything
RIDE AND DRIVE- you ride, fall off and someone else has to drive out to find you
IDEAL GAMES PONY- Don't cough, sneeze, breathe, laugh, blink or fart on its back or you won't be seen for dust.
RESPONSIVE RIDE- see games pony
IDEAL FIRST HORSE- Only some poor, innocent lamb on their first shopping trip would be daft enough to have it...
IDEAL MOTHER DAUGHTER SHARE- Youll both have to ride it at the same time to gain any sort of control
IDEAL RACING PONY - Built like a toothpick and only has flight mode
HAS SEEN HOUNDS- and promptly turned and bolted in the opposite direction
HAS HUNTED- But then the MFH banned us for wiping out half the hounds
HUNTED BY PREVIOUS OWNER- just got off the ferry from Ireland and will be crippled by the end of the year
EXPERIENCED HUNTER- Ditches rider as soon as hounds move off then no-one knows where the hell it is for the rest of the day
GOES FIRST OR LAST- Bucks when anything is in front of it, or struggles to keep up
WILL GO ALL DAY- Confirmed bolter, previous owner has tried every bitting combination known to man but its made no difference
BEEN IN ALL PC TEAMS - our branch is so small, anything vaguely sound and rallied makes the team
RIDING CLUB TYPE- Does a bit of everything badly
ALWAYS IN RIBBONS- The shows we went to gave complementary rosettes for all who entered
REGULARLY IN THE RIBBONS- Has amassed an alarmingly huge collection of 'special' rosettes for things such as 'boldest pony at camp' and 'most spectacular fall'
ALWAYS PLACED- The only shows we went to were so small that there were no more than 3 in each class
LIGHTLY COMPETED AT TRAINING SHOWS - stick a filler in the same arena and the horse will run a mile, has never seen more than two jumps in a row and never even heard of a warm up arena.
TOP SHOW HORSE - Won a reserve championship 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to a hurricane
JUDGES WILL LOVE - to see it going out of their ring
PARELLI HOME ONLY- confused horse seeks new nutters to twirl ropes at him rather than ride him
HAS VAULTED- Only way to get on it as wont stand still
WON £££ - Twenty years ago, now knackered
NOT SPOOKY- Needs a rocket up its arse to get three steps of walk
GOOD IN OPEN SPACES- as long as you like flat out galloping
GOES BAREFOOT- Put the last farrier in hospital
LIVES OUT- impossible to catch
FOR SALE DUE TO LACK OF TIME- Rider cannot afford to spend any more time in hospital
IDEAL STUD PROSPECT- Cant afford to geld it
BROODMARE PROSPECT- Crippled
RETIRED FROM COMPETITION- Crippled
TRUE ALLROUNDER- No girth will fit him
CAN DO IT ALL- bite, kick, buck, bolt AND rear
SUIT ANYONE- Except us, we hate him
NOT FOR BEGINNERS- Or anyone else for that matter
NOVICE RIDE- The last time anyone cantered it, they disappeared over the horizon never to be seen again
NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER- Wont stop
NEEDS EXPERIENCED RIDER- Wont stop
FOR EXPERIENCED RIDER ONLY- Suit Kamikaze rider with death wish
SHOULD GO FAR WITH EXPERIENCED RIDER-probably about three counties
IDEAL TEENAGERS HORSE- Only someone under 20 will be able to recover from the injuries this horse causes
IDEAL SECOND PONY- The second you get on it'll throw you off
BROUGHT ON A NOVICE RIDER - Taught them to sit a good buck
THREE EXCEPTIONAL PACES- walk, halt and park
THREE GOOD STRAIGHT PACES- Cant bend/wont bend
BIG TROT- Can't canter
ELEVATED PACES- Ex-rodeo
MOVES STRAIGHT- doesn't do circles
ROCKING HORSE CANTER- Just goes up and down on the spot
ECONOMICAL PACES - Can't lengthen
SWEEPING PACES- Can't shorten
NICE UPHILL PACES- Its the only way to stop it, we daren't go down the hill
IMPRESSIVE- does airs above ground especially when you dont want them
WELL BALANCED- On hind legs when rearing
WORKS IN A SOFT ROUND SHAPE - When ridden in draw reins
JUST STARTING LATERAL MOVEMENTS - Learnt to cow kick yesterday
BIG BONED- Good thing he has a mane and tail or he would be mistaken for cow
FLAWLESS CONFORMATION Except for the pigeon toes/cow hocks/ herring gut etc.
SLIGHTLY BLEMISHED- Horribly disfigured
WELL BRED- Mother and father are also brother and sister
CLEAN LEGGED - They've been washed
TBx- Weve no idea how its bred but its weedy so TBx will do
IDx- Weve no idea how its bred but we suspect a Shire so we'll put it down as Irish Draught and hope no one notices it has feet like dustbin lids
DUNAPINTAARABINALOOSA (OR VARIATIONS)- Its a mongrel, probably a mutant mongrel, but it is an interesting color
MAXI-COB- Shaved cart horse
CUTE PONY- Small and hairy
ARAB - Looks startled
THOROUGHBRED - Looks terrified
COB- Fat
BLACK- Brown and/or dirty
VERY FLASHY White legs
NICELY MARKED- We couldn't think of anything else to put
ELEGANT- Thin
GOOD BONE- Fat
SOLID- Fat
SUBSTANTIAL- Fat
GOOD DOER- Gains weight hacking past the chip shop
GOOD WEIGHT CARRIER- Was born with laminitis
DEAD QUIET- Just dead
BOMBPROOF- If you don't light the fuse
SPIRITED- Psychotic
BOLD- Runaway
GOOD MOVER- Runaway
ATHLETIC- Runaway
STUNNING- Regularly drops you on your head so you see stars
SNAFFLE MOUTHED - It really doesnt matter what you put in its mouth it still wont stop
WELL MANNERED- Hasn't stepped on, bitten or kicked anyone for a week
PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED- Hasn't stepped on, bitten or kicked anyone for a month
PROFESSIONALLY STARTED- On the race track
PRODUCED BY PROFESSIONAL RIDER- ridden in draw reins all his life and finds self carriage an alien concept
HOME PRODUCED- No professional will touch it
GIVEN TIME TO MATURE- No one can be arsed to do anything with it
LIGHTLY BACKED- After heavy sedation
NICELY STARTED- Lunged, but we havent found anyone crazy enough to get on him yet
ALREADY BROKEN- 3 fence posts, 1 gate and 5 buckets
WELL HANDLED - We're too scared to ride him
LOW MILEAGE- We're too scared to ride him
HASN'T REALISED HIS POTENTIAL- We're too scared to ride him
HALTER BROKEN- Unhandled
READY TO START - Never seen a human until yesterday
NEEDS SCHOOLING- No-one can stay on it long enough to teach it anything
NO TIME TO DO JUSTICE and no death wish either thanks
READY TO BRING ON- We've tried but frankly after the bolting, ending up on a car bonnet, being scraped off on a tree and swallowing several mouthfuls of arena dust we've given up so you can try!
FOR SALE AS NOT ABLE TO PROGRESS TO NEXT LEVEL- Breaking down
NEEDS RE-SCHOOLING- screwed up
PROJECT- Totally screwed up
LONG TERM PROJECT- Lost cause
FORWARD GOING- No brakes
SUIT EVENTING- No brakes
LOVES HUNTING- No brakes
LOVES JUMPING- No brakes
DOESN'T LIKE SCHOOLING- No brakes
SUIT DRESSAGE- No accelerator
HAS COMPETED NOVICE AND ELEMENTARY- Technically entered the arena. What happened thereafter is best forgotten
EVENT PROSPECT- Big, fast horse
DRESSAGE PROSPECT- Big, slow horse
PLEASURE PROSPECT- Pretty color
SPORTING PROSPECT- Short, fast horse
BARREL PROSPECT- Fast horse which can turn
ENDURANCE PROSPECT- Fast horse which will turn sometimes
SHOW JUMPING PROSPECT- Fashion icon
POTENTIAL DRESSAGE STAR- Half passes beautifully but only when you want it to go straight
POTENTIAL BSJA STAR- Jumps 2'
POTENTIAL EVENTING STAR- Very strong and doesn't leave a show jump standing
VERY BRAVE XC - Goes at an alarming pace and jumps whatever crops up along the way, regardless of whether it's intended to be part of the course or not
NEVER HAD ANY XC PENALTIES- But sure knocks up a cricket score in the SJing phase
JUMPS FOR FUN Out of field, over handler, into path of lorry...
NEVER STOPS- Breaks speed of light when jumping courses whether the rider is still with it or not
NEVER TOUCHES A POLE- stops dead at fillers
HAS A BOLD JUMP- Most often sideways
HAS A CAREFUL JUMP - stops in front of each fence to have a good look at it
POPS A FENCE- Gets eliminated at the first fence every time out
JUMPS SMALL FENCES- Doesnt jump big fences
JUMPS COLORED POLES- Doesnt jump fillers
SCHOOLMASTER- He's in charge
CHILDS PONY- only a child will have the patience to traipse round a field for 2 days to catch it
LEAD REIN PONY- only behaves when a large man has its head in a death grip
GOOD FIRST PONY Suit child hating parents
PERFECT FIRST PONY- if they can ride this b*gger they can sit on anything
RIDE AND DRIVE- you ride, fall off and someone else has to drive out to find you
IDEAL GAMES PONY- Don't cough, sneeze, breathe, laugh, blink or fart on its back or you won't be seen for dust.
RESPONSIVE RIDE- see games pony
IDEAL FIRST HORSE- Only some poor, innocent lamb on their first shopping trip would be daft enough to have it...
IDEAL MOTHER DAUGHTER SHARE- Youll both have to ride it at the same time to gain any sort of control
IDEAL RACING PONY - Built like a toothpick and only has flight mode
HAS SEEN HOUNDS- and promptly turned and bolted in the opposite direction
HAS HUNTED- But then the MFH banned us for wiping out half the hounds
HUNTED BY PREVIOUS OWNER- just got off the ferry from Ireland and will be crippled by the end of the year
EXPERIENCED HUNTER- Ditches rider as soon as hounds move off then no-one knows where the hell it is for the rest of the day
GOES FIRST OR LAST- Bucks when anything is in front of it, or struggles to keep up
WILL GO ALL DAY- Confirmed bolter, previous owner has tried every bitting combination known to man but its made no difference
BEEN IN ALL PC TEAMS - our branch is so small, anything vaguely sound and rallied makes the team
RIDING CLUB TYPE- Does a bit of everything badly
ALWAYS IN RIBBONS- The shows we went to gave complementary rosettes for all who entered
REGULARLY IN THE RIBBONS- Has amassed an alarmingly huge collection of 'special' rosettes for things such as 'boldest pony at camp' and 'most spectacular fall'
ALWAYS PLACED- The only shows we went to were so small that there were no more than 3 in each class
LIGHTLY COMPETED AT TRAINING SHOWS - stick a filler in the same arena and the horse will run a mile, has never seen more than two jumps in a row and never even heard of a warm up arena.
TOP SHOW HORSE - Won a reserve championship 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to a hurricane
JUDGES WILL LOVE - to see it going out of their ring
PARELLI HOME ONLY- confused horse seeks new nutters to twirl ropes at him rather than ride him
HAS VAULTED- Only way to get on it as wont stand still
WON £££ - Twenty years ago, now knackered
NOT SPOOKY- Needs a rocket up its arse to get three steps of walk
GOOD IN OPEN SPACES- as long as you like flat out galloping
GOES BAREFOOT- Put the last farrier in hospital
LIVES OUT- impossible to catch
