The time has come to say goodbye...

HaffiesRock

HaffiesRock

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To this forum.

I started out loving coming here, but there are far too many people being ripped apart for asking for help!

Nobody is perfect and we all have start somewhere. Nasty comments have gotten me into trouble recently and I have just been reading a post where a poor person was struggling and people were just being plain nasty and rude and telling them to put the horse down.

That's not the kind of people or advice I want in my life right now.

I may dip in or post from time to time if I have need too, but for now I need positivity in my life and not bitchiness. I've hired a professional to help me back my mare, moved to a new yard where I can manage her laminitis properly and only be surrounded by people who will help and support me.

Massive thanks to all the wonderful people who have helped me. Continue to help each other, and for any of the other people who read this, please try and be nice! xxx:D
 
I think I know where you're coming from.

I was feeling like I wanted to get out out of here last night, too. I had (stupidly, it now seems) suggested to a lovely young friend that the comes here and she did, only to have a terrible experience. She's a vulnerable person, sensitive and gentle, but she's bright and an able horsewoman and I've always found HHO so friendly.

It's strange how your perception changes when you realise the OP is someone dear to you. Most people who responded to her were trying to give good advice, but some were harsh and one or two pretty nasty IMO. She didn't deal with it well and it ended about as badly as it could, for her.

I expect most people just moved on and thought no more about it, many probably thought she was having a tantrum. A few thought it was wind-up. But a few lovely souls recognised her genuine distress pmed her (and me) giving her support.

For me it wasn't a silly teenager acting up and flouncing. It was someone I love, tearing herself to shreds on a public forum and at every tactless, unsympathetic or badly judged response, I cringed.

It's the first time I've realised that this can be a hellish place to be, for some people.
 
Unfortunately last night, most people did not know the OP, they commented on what was written which is the problem with forums/texts/emails, they only show what is on the page. I actually asked for the post to be locked as it was obvious that the poster was not coping well. I didn't actually think anyone was to blame, you obviously know the poster personally which gave you an insight to the behaviour shown. To everyone else she came over rather differently and while I'm not defending anyone I have read alot worse critisism. On a forum you only ever get part of a story, and everyone is an expert. Generally, there is alot of good advice given as was last night but defences had kicked in and i dont think the good advice was taken in, i hope when the poster is feeling better she will reread the posts and realise there was a lot of good stuff there.
 
My main reason was a few weeks back, I posted on behalf of a friend who needed some help. The responses were awful and people said I should report my friend to the RSPCA. My friend read the post and was mortified as was her family. Unfortunately this has led to lots of abuse and threats towards me on Facebook and I have had to block the people concerned.

It was a massive hassle I didn't need for only trying to help.

The majority of the advice on here is great, but there are a few people who make the experience less than rewarding.

I am hardcore and don't take offense, but I know a lot do.

I am not flouncing or chucking my toys out my pram, but I like a quiet life :O) xx
 
I too asked for that post to be locked because, to me anyway, it was blatantly obvious that she wasn't coping well with the situation from an early point. I was absolutely disgusted at some of the things that were said 'about' a young girl's mental state on complete assumption. Maybe having been a teacher for goodness knows how many years helps you spot these things more easily. But, I'd like to think that more people can spot a youngster struggling to express what she wants to explain to complete strangers on an open forum page and perhaps be a little less blunt. I found the entire thread very uncomfortable reading from start to finish, as I often do on here.
 
jrp204 said:
Unfortunately last night, most people did not know the OP, they commented on what was written which is the problem with forums/texts/emails, they only show what is on the page.
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onlytheponely said:
Maybe having been a teacher for goodness knows how many years helps you spot these things more easily.
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The thing is, I came in and said I knew her, that's she's as far from a spoilt brat and you can imagine and had a really bad time lately. She herself said she had depression and begged people to stop. So surely it was clear enough?

I wonder, had those posters had a tearful distressed teenager standing before them, would they still have been making jokes about flouncing and harsh remarks? Probably not.

Sitting behind a keybord can make us so insensitive, myself included.
 
FionaM12 said:
The thing is, I came in and said I knew her, that's she's as far from a spoilt brat and you can imagine and had a really bad time lately. She herself said she had depression and begged people to stop. So surely it was clear enough?

I wonder, had those posters had a tearful distressed teenager standing before them, would they still have been making jokes about flouncing and harsh remarks? Probably not.

Sitting behind a keybord can make us so insensitive, myself included.
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I'm sure if any of us had a distressed teenager infront of us we would be supportive and sympathetic but unfortunately the OP did come over as having a massive strop (I have 3 daughters so know all about strops!) She didn't actually help herself by coming back with more 'stroppy' comments and admitting she had anger issues. I suggested she turned off the computer, we all have a choice and one of them is to not keep reading what you don't want to hear. I am not being unsypathetic to the OP, just saying it as it came across last night.
Hopefully as you know her you can suggest she gets some help, I'm sure she is a kind and lovely person but as I said before people only know what is written on the page and will deduce what they want from it.
 
jrp204 said:
I'm sure if any of us had a distressed teenager infront of us we would be supportive and sympathetic but unfortunately the OP did come over as having a massive strop (I have 3 daughters so know all about strops!) She didn't actually help herself by coming back with more 'stroppy' comments and admitting she had anger issues. I suggested she turned off the computer, we all have a choice and one of them is to not keep reading what you don't want to hear. I am not being unsypathetic to the OP, just saying it as it came across last night.
Hopefully as you know her you can suggest she gets some help, I'm sure she is a kind and lovely person but as I said before people only know what is written on the page and will deduce what they want from it.
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I'd agree with this. I didn't comment on the thread, but I'm afraid the op came across badly and if she'd been a daughter of mine I'm afraid she'd have suffered a right telling off.

She'd also received some excellent advice on a previous thread about depression including getting professional help, so it isn't all bad! You can't blame the people responding to a thread and giving honest advice for another persons issues.
 
Come on people, this is exactly why I am choosing to not post here anymore.

That was all yesterday, leave the poor girl alone. I didn't see the post but it sounds like she had a hard time so give her a break!
 
emmahaywood1 said:
Come on people, this is exactly why I am choosing to not post here anymore.

That was all yesterday, leave the poor girl alone. I didn't see the post but it sounds like she had a hard time so give her a break!
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Perhaps it would be better not to start threads announcing that you're leaving because of those issues then? I'm sorry but threads like this just serve to highlight negatives and start self righteous debates. People can either use a forum for advice and support or walk away from it if they don't like it. Saying how awful/bullying/cliquey somewhere is won't change it and genuine nastiness can be stopped by contacting admin.
 
emmahaywood1 said:
My main reason was a few weeks back, I posted on behalf of a friend who needed some help. The responses were awful and people said I should report my friend to the RSPCA. My friend read the post and was mortified as was her family. Unfortunately this has led to lots of abuse and threats towards me on Facebook and I have had to block the people concerned.
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I fail to see how that is 'HHO's' fault though. The abuse and threats are unacceptable, but it's your 'friend' and her family who is surely to blame for that; no-one is forced to abuse or threaten someone as a result of reading a thread. And, unfortunately, if you make yourself and others recognisable on here, that's your decision. A lot of people don't seem to understand just how big a forum this is :( I'm quite happy to ask for advice/suggestions for myself but I won't discuss other people.

There's plenty of good things about this forum, but there are other forums too, where you will get plenty of tea and sympathy, if that is what you are looking for.

As to yesterday's thread, to me it did come across as someone who was incredibly low, agreeing with everyone in the hope that it would all stop :( That wasn't aggression or flouncing, it was a scary form of passiveness, if I agree they'll stop hurting me... But again, I work with children and young people so maybe that helps. I don't think any of the responses were particularly out of order either though.
 
To be honest I found yesterdays thread quite disturbing. I agree with Rhino in that the majority of the responses were absolutely fine.
The fact that the OP repeatedly (if somewhat misguidedly) asked for it to stop, and yet on & on it went was what upset me personally. Nobody was prepared to 'walk away' and it became a downward spiral.

My perception was that the OP was clearly troubled or vulnerable, but that's just my perception, and at the end of the day they are only words on a screen, and perhaps we all see things differently.
I too asked for it to be locked & must admit I breathed a huge sigh of relief when it was.

FionaM12, I hope that the OP has a good network of family and friends to help her through any difficult times.
 
FionaM12 said:
I think I know where you're coming from.

I was feeling like I wanted to get out out of here last night, too. I had (stupidly, it now seems) suggested to a lovely young friend that the comes here and she did, only to have a terrible experience. She's a vulnerable person, sensitive and gentle, but she's bright and an able horsewoman and I've always found HHO so friendly.

It's strange how your perception changes when you realise the OP is someone dear to you. Most people who responded to her were trying to give good advice, but some were harsh and one or two pretty nasty IMO. She didn't deal with it well and it ended about as badly as it could, for her.

I expect most people just moved on and thought no more about it, many probably thought she was having a tantrum. A few thought it was wind-up. But a few lovely souls recognised her genuine distress pmed her (and me) giving her support.

For me it wasn't a silly teenager acting up and flouncing. It was someone I love, tearing herself to shreds on a public forum and at every tactless, unsympathetic or badly judged response, I cringed.

It's the first time I've realised that this can be a hellish place to be, for some people.
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Which is what I have been trying to tell you for some time. People ARE bullied on here. Was your friend I.ark?
 
FionaM12 said:
The thing is, I came in and said I knew her, that's she's as far from a spoilt brat and you can imagine and had a really bad time lately. She herself said she had depression and begged people to stop. So surely it was clear enough?

I wonder, had those posters had a tearful distressed teenager standing before them, would they still have been making jokes about flouncing and harsh remarks? Probably not.

Sitting behind a keybord can make us so insensitive, myself included.
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Actually, her treatment was very mild compared to that dished out to others I have seen. I don't think anyone was intentionally nasty. But it just goes to prove that bullying is bullying if it is perceived as such by the 'victim'.
 
ill admit out of all the forums im on, i only lurk and rarely post on here and would never start a thread,on horsegossip or saddlesoap and others they give you advice etc and maybe a stirn word but the stuff that is said on here is horrible,people come on here for advice and leave upset and hurt by the stuff people say.some people need to get from behind a screen and think about how they say stuff!
 
I hope your friend is OK FionaM, it did escalate quickly and I could see why she would be upset even though I didn't think many people actually said anything out of turn (not to start with anyway) but she was probably not expecting so many responses!

I have never been offended by anyone here, you come here to gather opinions after all and you can take it with a pinch of salt. I probably wouldn't post about anything where I wouldn't be able to handle the responses I.e. 'hey everyone want to tear me apart on jumping position?'

Sometimes people disagree with something I have said, but that's fine, retaliating is where things go wrong!
 
Wagtail said:
Actually, her treatment was very mild compared to that dished out to others I have seen. I don't think anyone was intentionally nasty. But it just goes to prove that bullying is bullying if it is perceived as such by the 'victim'.
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I'd disagree that bullying is bullying simply due to the individuals perception. If people were responding trying to help and without being intentionally nasty then I think it is unfair to call them bullies.

To me a bully is someone who will deliberately demean and humiliate continually.

We can all choose to be offended by something if we want to, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it is bullying because we take offence.
 
I would never come on here if I was in a vulnerable mood as there are a few real weirdos with issues who hang out on here.

But, OP if you can, just feel a little bit sorry for them. I have always found that successful popular people are generally nice and don't indulge in stupid pointless bitchyness. So I think these posters are probably lonely unsuccessul losers who don't have friends and they are so unused to having anyone who take notice of them that they get a little bit stupid.

Also, I think you have to look at HHO as a place where you can normally get good horse information, if you come on here looking to make lifelong pals or view it as a popularity thing, then you are probably going to be dissapointed.
 
canteron said:
I would never come on here if I was in a vulnerable mood as there are a few real weirdos with issues who hang out on here.

But, OP if you can, just feel a little bit sorry for them. I have always found that successful popular people are generally nice and don't indulge in stupid pointless bitchyness. So I think these posters are probably lonely unsuccessul losers who don't have friends and they are so unused to having anyone who take notice of them that they get a little bit stupid.

Also, I think you have to look at HHO as a place where you can normally get good horse information, if you come on here looking to make lifelong pals or view it as a popularity thing, then you are probably going to be dissapointed.
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I think it is sad you feel that way, I have made some wonderful friends on here. Ones who will support me when needed and give me a kick up the backside when that is needed! I find your post incredibly judgemental actually.

I also disagree that bullying is purely down to a person's feelings, that is just nonsensical. People disagree with me all the time on here, I have had personal insults aimed towards me. I could take offence if I wanted, but it's not bullying.
 
I didnt comment on 'that' thread either, but I also found it a bit disturbing too :/
Most of the time there are no problems on here, but lately when you post a new thread I find you have prepare yourself to be defensive, which is a bit strange really! Cheer up everyone, maybe the summer weather is getting to us :D
 
What is bullying to one person is water off a duck's back to others. That is why certain people become easy victims. Just because others would not view it as such does not mean it is not bullying. I think what often happens on here is that people don't stand back and think of it from the opposite perspective. They do not realise where there are just an overwhelming number of people against one or two individuals. This is when people should bow out I think. So I agree it is not intentional, but from the perspective of the person 'everyone' else is turning against, it can easily appear to be.
 
I am fairly new to here but have already met up with one user (she was lovely) and I find people very honest, the best way to be in the horse world.

I read the closed thread, I dont see bullying, I see frustrated people trying to help someone who clearly doesnt want help, after all the thread was based on getting someone to leave her to it.

If you dont want help, dont ask for it.
 
jrp204 said:
To everyone else she came over rather differently and while I'm not defending anyone I have read alot worse critisism. On a forum you only ever get part of a story, and everyone is an expert. Generally, there is alot of good advice given as was last night but defences had kicked in and i dont think the good advice was taken in, i hope when the poster is feeling better she will reread the posts and realise there was a lot of good stuff there.
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I don't think everyone else did see her as a petulant stroppy teenager, there were plenty including myself who could see she was struggling and we said so but sadly those who couldn't/didn't want to see her as anything but stroppy just carried on. As a depressive she would have just fixated on all the negatives rather than the positives as that is what they do. now while i agree this forum may not be the best place for her in her current state i also think it is very sad that some posters refused to back down and even now would try to lay the blame at her feet.
this isn't aimed just at you jrp btw:)
 
I agree with original poster. Have myself stopped posting - esp in New Lounge. Not just the bullying, self-righteous stuff, but some advice is plain wrong! Will very occasionally post in specialised (Stable Mgmt) sections. I have to say I find my friends in real life, not on internet. Cheers,
 
Wagtail said:
What is bullying to one person is water off a duck's back to others. That is why certain people become easy victims. Just because others would not view it as such does not mean it is not bullying. I think what often happens on here is that people don't stand back and think of it from the opposite perspective. They do not realise where there are just an overwhelming number of people against one or two individuals. This is when people should bow out I think. So I agree it is not intentional, but from the perspective of the person 'everyone' else is turning against, it can easily appear to be.
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Agree with this. Its bullying if you know it upsets someone and yet you keep on with it, however mild it may seem to you.. We're not machines, we react to different things.

I agree with whoever said that you shouldn't come on here when you're feeling fragile. Trouble is you don't know you're feeling fragile sometimes until you're on here and getting upset by things! Some people can't recognise that they're tired/upset/over emotional, and that sometimes its better to walk away.

Sometimes there are people on here that I have a lot of time/respect for, yet occasionally they are a bit short in their replies and don't seem themselves. Then later you get a post about something that is stressing them/wrong with them, and you think "Ahhh, that was it.." But usually you don't know what is going on behind the scenes and can only go on face value.

I think that all of us should be able to walk away from "trouble" threads on here if they are bothering us, rather than getting into rows (not saying that I always do, just what I should do!). A poster on an internet forum can easily be prevented from turning into someone that bullies you by using the user ignore or the off button. I think that if you are not mentally able to do that because of illness, perhaps a forum/the internet is not the best place for you.:(
 
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