The whelks strike back

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Whelk

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17 October 2010
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Dear reader,

This is my first time posting (computers don’t work well under water) but I just don’t know what to do!

A week or so ago I was sitting on a little rock in my favourite pool talking to the most handsomest whelk I have ever seen, he was well into me, I think we could have gone so far as having little whelk babies, but anyway, I was wiggling my little shell at him and passing the ‘tide’ of day when some screaming banshee hoiks me out of the water and plonks me in a bucket with a load of other whelks that I have never met before. :eek::eek:

She proceeded to put the bucket down on the table and all we could see was her face through the water, and she was screaming something about SAUSAGES! And the world just ending just as we thought she was going to leave us captive in peace she leaned over and peered into the bucket and tried to move some things that were resting on of the top of our bucket, I am not sure what these two strange beings/creatures that she moved are called, but she called them ‘her morags’ well I just call them HUGE,:eek::eek: We thought they had come to crush us whelks in our shells! She then plunges her head into our bucket wailing as she does that it is all doomed!’ Reader, I don’t know what you know of this woman but I can tell you she ain’t no Disney mermaid ariel! SHE SUCKED OUT OUR LITTLE WHELK SOULS :eek::eek: But has spread a nasty rumour that it is us doing the soul sucking!:mad::mad:

We are now on day 7 of captivity and she continues to do this to us everyday.
Every night we see her wiggling around and dancing in strange rubber shoes, with what looks like seaweed attached to her morags and chants (she is very odd) and she has a shrine in her room with an anvil and horse shoes, she prays to the god FF. Reader this girl is a soul sucking nut job I have been watching now for days and I am convinced that these ‘morags’ as she calls them are alive and that together with them the eeeeevil soul sukers plans to kill all the whelks by sucking their soul out. She has now spread a terrible rumour that it is us that suck souls but I swear it is not true. I am appealing to you from the bottom of what is now a very dark bucket filled with no noise since all the other whelks are now soul less and dead *sniffs* I am the only one left *sniff, sniffs* please get her to let me out and put me in the sea.... or I will bit her nose off next time her head comes anywhere near the inside of this bucket because she aint having my soul :(



Starzaan no offence meant someone had to stick up for the poor whelks and tell their tale :p;):D
 
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Oh dear Lord how I wish I hadn't just read that at work. Can't laugh out loud in the office so have effectively bitten through my cheeks trying to supress the giggles whilst throwing in the odd snort just for good measure.

My colleagues now think I'm having some sort of fit whilst sucking on a lemon :D
 
Oh my days. I'm useless right now. Completely.To start with, I thought it was the farrier posting!!!

Hahahahahaa.
 
Well I am very glad I have made you all laugh at my misfortune, :mad: I am currently 5 yrs old and all alone in the bottom of a skanky bucket surrounded by dead and soulless kin! that has the morag wielding banshee’s snot in it from where she sniffed my second cousin up her nose and snorted him back out avec snot after inhaling his soul! People this is deadly serious!!!! That woman is possessed! I think she is using us whelks to feed her morags!!

My shell is going dull no fit man whelk will want to bump shells with me ever again even if I do make it out of here with my soul and not smothered in garlic saucy stuff and served up to her FF as a sacrifice.:eek::eek: Do you know how long 7 days is in whelk life?! We only live 7 years! I have 2 years minus 7 days left of my life, my shell is dull and my tidal clock is ticking and she thinks she can stick me and mine in a bucket and get high off my soul…

I simply can’t take it any more, just watching her doing her dancy wiggly thing and standing infront of this thing that reflects back another one of her (makes it look like there are 2 of her double freaky) and talking to her self but pretending she was this FF person. Saying ‘a sausage FF? You want me to have your Sausage? Where are you going to put your sausage FF? then (seriously weird) she kisses the reflection of herself (I told you, seriously weird!) I can’t take another day of it, I would rather watch a sea slug fart than the mating practices of this human (she is her very own species I think)
I miss my VFMW (very fit man whelk) I secretly think she is keeping me captive in here so she can go and get him for herself the little tramp! And nobody talks to me anymore in here… they are all dead and hence void of conversation, its scary in here and I dooooon’t like it *sniff, sniff*:(


Arrrrrrgh sheeeeee’s coming to get meeeeeeee….



Heeeeeeelp!
:eek::eek::eek:




Oh no that was just the one she calls mother, she just stuck her head in the bucket and asked if anone wanted a sausage. Very strange! :confused: *whispers: I can see where her daughter gets it from*:rolleyes:;)

I am starting a petition to save whelks 'whelks are not for recreational use or morag fodder'

Please show your support for whelks by signing it
 
I thought I would take this opportunity to introduce some of my family:

This is a portrait of my great great grandmother thank whelkgod she didn’t like to see the day her great granddaughter sported the dull shell look and was held captive in a bucket *oh the shame of it*

http://www.glaucus.org.uk/WhelkJL.JPG


The babies I would have had with VFMW (very fit man whelk)

http://www.mckaymoore.com/images/sea_mex/BN_Training_1/BN_GG_whelks&eggs3.jpg

My prison
http://gallery.nen.gov.uk/gallery_images/0702/0000/0325/bucket_c_mid.jpg

Me…

All alone!

http://www.okeefes.org/Whelks/channeled_whelk_102_9998.jpg



How I fear I may end up if I remain here:

http://comps.fotosearch.com/comp/PTC/PTC502/whelks-mayonnaise-sauce_~053308.jpg


Some of my friends that I made since being in captivity now all empty and soulless
http://img4.coastalliving.com/i/2006/11/shells-whelks-l.jpg?400:400


s’cuse me while I go burry myself beneath the shells of my brave and fearless comrades (may their shells rest in peace)
 
Have you any idea how much tea stings when you snort it out of your nose? :mad: :mad: :o :p


Need to go find something to key the tea out from the keyboard now :eek: :p


Thank you for livening up an otherwise dull afternoon :D
 
I just saw a bubble float to the surface of the water in my bucket, for one split moment in time I didn’t feel so alone, I think I shall give it a name, ‘bob’ the bubble, is currently floating on the surface of the water, trapped from disappearing from the scum that is forming on the water surface…



I think bob likes me, I like bob the bubble he is my new bff



Waaaaaagh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Bob just disappeared!


Cruel, cruel world, right that’s it, I am going to find the pointiest shell and when she comes for my soul I am going to poke her eyes out… I will get out of here……

 
Thank you Tenessee your support is much appreciated, I will pray to Whelkgod to bless you with happy whelkiness :):)

Rowenna, your enthusiasm for my sorrow is noted. If I survive this grave, I suspect I will spend the rest of my days too trumatised with flashbacks and nightmares to write a book, I will become a recluse and hide in a hole in the sea with my head either ticked in my shell or my bum firmly stuck to a rock so I can't be ripped uncerimoniously from my homeland again. Should I ever get the courage to write a book I will let you know and donate all said proceeds to the RSPCTW (royal society for prevention of cruelty to whelks)

Now I have found a pointy shell, I must go and find something to sharpen it further. My whelk comrade will not have lost his soul and died in vain. Come to think of it I shall write a book, their stories must be told, they shall not go unnoticed in the chapters of whelk history.

Thank you all, you have given me much strength and courage to fight the good fight...
 
But surely she just stole their souls (in the hope it would give her back some self esteem?) So they are still alive but just an empty shell ('scuse pun :p)

Just keep thinking of VFMW! It will get you through, and please dont poke her eyes out, it will make an awful mess!! :D
 
Dear Whelk,

I have narrated your story to my collegue, and we are touched at your plight.

*ha, ha, ha, snigger snigger*

I wish you luck with your weapon sharpening and hope to see you on your book tour soon
 
Dear whelk,













I know who you are.








And the bucket is a saucepan. Saucepans have lids.


Saucepans also cook things.





Bye bye little whelk.

Lots of love,

Starzaan.
 
visions of star wars here and now the emperors march is now in my head..........

staarzan you could always offer the whelk an opportuinity to be come "the apprentice"..... then you get to fire it.

oh sorry..... getting my programmes mixed up.... I now have images of Starzaan doing the Alan Sugar impression with the voice of Darth vader
 
montyforever said:
But surely she just stole their souls (in the hope it would give her back some self esteem?) So they are still alive but just an empty shell ('scuse pun :p)

Just keep thinking of VFMW! It will get you through, and please dont poke her eyes out, it will make an awful mess!! :D
Click to expand...

Oh dear, you are uneducated, it is a well known fact that us whelks die without our whelk souls and our bodies fester and become a putrified and gooey mess, I know you wish to think the best of your fellow people and it does you credit, but she is not doing it to get her self esteem, she is an *whispers* evil sea witch who intend to take over the world:eek::eek:, it is a well known fact that us whelks are guardians of the sea and thus she must kill us in order to carry out her evil master plan. She uses out souls to feed not her 'self esteem' but to feed her henchmen who are posessed and evil (she refers to these as her morags) and to use us as a drug:eek: it is soooo degrading:(:(

But I was thinking that if I poke said sea witch in the eye with a pointy shell, it might:

a) give me enough time to escape from this rancid graveyard and slide my little whelk ass back to the sea

B) release the souls of those who I have loved and lost and known as my comrades and friends so that they can gently gently caress the waves of the sea for all eternity

and if that doesn't work.......
 
Dear whelk,

firstly, we are in the Cotswolds, so good luck sliding back into the sea!

Secondly, shut you filthy little whelk mouth.


I know where you live.


Lots of love,

Starzaan
 
PS:

Very Fit Man Whelk didn't make it. I had him on toast yesterday morning. He tasted disgusting.

It was like eating an old man's shoe.
 
if that doesn't work.... (which Starzaan has just told me it won't and she took my pointy shell away and did this thing with her mouth that made her look like this)

http://images.halloweencostumes.net/scream-mask.jpg


(whispers... she reaaaally could do with a darker shade of foundation:D)

So it that doesn't work....








Its war

Starting with your FF




Then Your mechanic


Then you


Then your friend Nigella because she is a prawn murdering SOB (I am certain I saw my friend on her show,:eek::eek::eek: sandy went of telling me she was going to find fame and fortune, she wanted to be a movie star ever since she was a little roe) *sob sob*
 
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