Those of you who have lost beloved horses ..

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peanut

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.. was there anything anyone said or did at the time that made you feel even the tiniest bit better?

Was there anything anyone bought that soothed you even for a moment?

I have a friend who lost her treasured horse over the weekend and I've never felt so inadequate.

Just how do you help someone through this?
 
Not really, I'm afraid.
We were very grateful to have several friends present at the time, the young lady who had been with us for a horsey afternoon, the nurse who had kindly been giving a-b injections and the friend who had been going to provide transport to horsepital, were all there at the end. The knacker who came to remove the body is also a friend of a friend, who we meet on social occasions and has been to PTS other horses for us. The emergency vet and her assistant who we had never met, also stayed, in case we needed to sedate the mare. As it happened she actually PTS by injection, with the knacker there.
All these people made the waiting a little easier, made cups of coffee etc, while we were waiting, first for transport, then for knacker wagon. Since then they and other friends have rung/spoken to ask how we are, to commiserate etc. One friend has made a photo into a fridge magnet (apparently you can print onto magnetic paper) and given us a bigger copy of the same photo, which I intend to frame and add to our 'photo gallery'.
I think all you can really do is keep in touch, talk about the horse and the good times, if your friend would like to, talk about other things if your friend would prefer.
And if this was your friend's only horse, offer the opportunity to be around your horse. I'm sure that we find it easier in some ways because we have other horses to look after - sis and I also have each other to talk to and share memories with.
Please pass my condolences on to your friend.
 
You just need to be there, let her cry, let her vent all her feelings, they are only natural.Just make sure you stay in contact and not just drop her now she is horseless. Not saying thats what you will do, but thats what happened to me.
When we got Bensons ashes we buried them under the trees in a favourite field with a letter that no one else saw, and a carrot! And that made it a bit easier.
 
We have ours buried at home which is so comforting to me. A friend planted a tree after her adored horse died and she says it was the best thing she could have done.
 
I was bought lots of chocolate and ice cream.

The other things that cheered me up was the offers of riding other people's horses or just going up and playing with other horses, it kept me doing something.
 
You can only be there for them. Nothing anyone could say or do at the time I had may old mare PTS would help with the mourning at the time. I didn't think it possible to feel so bereft at her loss, I couldnt do anything for days. Time is the only healer and even as I type this 9 years on I'm still having a quiet sob.

Just give her a hug and let her talk if she needs to or not if it's still too raw. She can let you know what she needs, you can only let her know you are there for her.
 
Just be there for your friend and if she wants space don't be offended. It is not possible to say what is the right and wrong thing to do, we all grieve differently, but when I had got over the initial shock of losing my mare a friend suggested I make a collage of photos of her life. Although I had tears over choosing the pictures, it brought back so many good memories which never die.

Hug for your friend.
 
The girls at the yard got me some lovely pics printed that they had. Also kept a chunk of taik which is bein made into bracelet. Just knowing that other people care helps alot xx
 
One of the girls on our yard lost her horse recently.

We "borrowed" a load of her pictures off facebook and turned them into a book of memories for her - she loved it.

When I lost my boy one of my friends bought me a lovely photo frame to put a picture of him in

x
 
when i lost my old mare i was 'allowed' a day of crying then after that i was told that life goes on and to get over it, that DIDN'T help. everyone grieves differently. because we spend so long caring for a horse (or any pet) they become family.

don't rush her with healing and although she may be fine for a couple of weeks after the initial period of grief she may have a sudden outburst of tears, it's only natural so don't expect her to get over it quickly, basically just take your lead from her when it comes to time and healing.

as someone suggested above maybe buy a rose bush for her to plant in her garden with a lovely picture or card. it's never easy but time does help.
 
dilmil123 said:
When I lost my boy one of my friends bought me a lovely photo frame to put a picture of him in

x
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That's a lovely idea. A commemorative rose/plant is a good idea too.

Did there come a time when you felt you could celebrate the life of your horse? I don't want to move her on any faster than she feels able, but in a couple of weeks would champagne be wholly inappropriate?
 
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Time does heal but little things trigger the memories. One of the best things I found was to write the story of their lives and post it on my website. It helped me a lot and keeps all the good memories alive. It really is just a celebration of their lives rather than an obituary. Tell her to focus on all the good times.
 
martha said:
That's a lovely idea. A commemorative rose/plant is a good idea too.

Does there come a time when you felt you could celebrate the life of your horse? I don't want to move her on any faster than she feels able, but in a couple of weeks would champagne be wholly inappropriate?
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mmm.....I wouldnt. You dont want to rush her, she has got to grieve in her own time and by trying to get her to celebrate her horses life might just feel to her you are saying its time to get over it.
 
I am now at week four after losing my horse. Still crying, sickened and angry so I would leave the champagne for now. However I can now occasionally say her name without bursting into tears.

You will know when she starts to lift in spirits, she will start to recount funny/good things about her horse.
 
To be honest, no. I had good friends around me when he went, and they were a comfort, but today nine weeks on I'm still grieving and missing him dreadfully, though one thing that keeps me going is my other horse, Murphy. Though I have made a little video of him, painted a huge picture of him, and other various little bits to help me through it can't replace him actually being there. I have one very good friend who lets me talk about him with her quite readily, as she has been through it herself. When my friend's mare Sally died, I got her a rose, appropriately called "Sally's Rose", which she thought was lovely. Just be there for her when she needs you, and let her talk about him if she wants too. She's lost someone special to her, and needs to mourn him. Its a very hard time, and my heart goes out to her.
 
I agree with letting her talk as much as she wants. I talked about nothing else - it seemed - for weeks!
Other friends at the yard were good at getting me engrossed in 'helping' them with their horses too, I am sure they didn't really need my help but it was good to be with horses and concentrating on something else.
The single thing that has helped long term is the beautiful portrait I had done by PapaFrita (my avatar) somehow it is even more real than his many photos. It took me a long time to find the right person to do it but it was worth the wait and feels like a pat of him is still here.
I am sure your friend will look back on this time and be so grateful for your support, it helps so much just having someone who understands and cares enough not to get bored of being there for you. You sound like a lovely friend for her to have :)
 
My cherished Highland x Sullivan had spent years as the safest trekking pony at a superb trekking centre in West Wales. He gave all the tourist customers the safest rides ever and as it was also a working farm, the American tourists could help round the cattle up on him at the end of the day and they were transported back to cowboy days. He was absolutely the lynch pin of the Centre. He came to me because he needed to be able to slow down a bit as he got older. A few years later, long story, but he was diagnosed with the most terrible DJD and navicular in both front feet, starting in hinds too. There was nothing we could do to help him, and eventually he had to be pts. I have never cried so much. It didn't seem fair that he had given all these people fabulous safe rides and his reward was that he had to be pts so young (20). My wonderful riding friend Jayne said, no Barb, his reward was that he was with you at the end. I still howl writing this but it helped me enormously, difficult to put in words how much it helped. It might help your friend. RIP Sullivan xxx
 
when a couple of people have had their horses pts at the yard i've done a little bag for them, i would put a card, pics, tissues, box of chocolates and a bottle of their favourite drink in. they always appreciated it and then after a few weeks they would feel at ease to talk about their horse and remember the fun times or even the times the horse gave the owner trouble!

one lady brought up wine and champagne to the yard, after her pony was pts she toasted her pony's life, it was really nice and felt right.
 
Does your friend come on here? When it happened to me, a good friend posted an RIP post, describing my boy and some of her memories of him. Reading that, and other peoples replies, helped - although upsetting, I was really pleased she did it - and I still go back and read it sometimes now. Nothing takes the pain away, but having friends that care does help.
 
There is nothing you can do or say to make her feel better.
The only thing that soothed me was the professionalism and levelheadedness of the vet (it can't have been nice for him either!).
All you can do is be there
 
Not really - I lost my horse just over a week ago
I don't like people asking me about him, but I like to talk about him - so just listen to her and be there for her.
It is a horrible time - she will feel completely lost
 
Just be there for your friend and be prepared to listen if/when they want to talk (even if you've heard what they want to say a million times already). Grieving is a very individual process. I lost a much loved horse very suddenly nearly six years ago and I still cry when thinking or talking about her.
 
i agree with those who said give her a big hug and let her talk or not. I lost my mare Honey in 1993 and i still miss her like mad! There are potos of her all over the place.
 
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