Thread #1: People interfering!

[*MoodyMare*]

I am a previous member but I felt I had to create a new account so I can hide my identity should the person this is directed at end up reading it - Not sure if they're on the forum or not so would rather be safe, not sorry. I think most of you will figure out who I am so all I ask is that you do not mention my name, pony's name or username so I can remain anonymous. (PM this or the other account if you wish to ask me something privately regarding this thread)

Here we go:

Recently I bought myself a lovely pony as a project. Pony is unhandled and nervous but we were getting there. I found an advert the other day asking for somebody to loan a couple of horses and my mother got in touch to go view. Mother then decided one couldn't afford and to ring up and cancel. Me being me decided it'd be better to go and tell them to their face as they were local and didn't want to get on the wrong side of them so went down to apologize. Fast forward a few hours and was offered the horses to ride for free as I was polite and apologized to their face.
Now, the past few days have been absolutely perfect - free riding, spending time with pony, meeting new people with new opportunities (said woman teaches a few people around the area and took me with her) so it's been pretty fantastic for me.

The other day, said woman wanted to come meet my pony and I agreed. She came down and wanted to try to get close to pony. I told her i'd rather she didn't as I wanted her to be relaxed and that she was coming on pretty well already. Woman wouldn't take no for an answer and tried to get her to eat from her hand. Cue pony cantering away and getting startled. She gave up and called it a day.

I went up next day and thought nothing of the previous night. I went riding and then said my goodbye's as had to feed pony her tea. Lady decided to come with me again (with friend who is the ex-loaner and was having a final ride) and brings a lunge line and string. She wanted to put string on her headcollar for me to grab everytime she was near me and wanted to get her on a line. Cue pony completely freaking out and galloping like a loony for a good hour! Now, this is completely my fault but I couldn't bring myself to tell her no! I kept trying but my throat kept seizing up and I couldn't speak.
Pony was becoming increasingly stressed and eventually she saw sense and said 'that's enough'. Next day, pony wouldn't come near me. Very stressed and agitated. I spent today and yesterday building up her trust again and luckily she's come round again but I haven't ridden since.

I'm due to go down tomorrow as helping with the horses while the farrier comes - I know the lady is going to try and come see pony again and I don't want her to. I know the obvious answer is 'say no' but I physically can't! It's like I just seize up and can't move. I don't want to be nasty or rude but i'm struggling with the thought of her coming down to see my pony. She now knows where she's kept and when I go down to see her so I don't know if she's going to end up going down when i'm not there or anything.
I realize how much of a wimp I sound but can anybody please offer me some advice to how I can drop hints without being rude? I know some of you will say 'Just say no' but I really can't!

Sorry for the long post and I hope you don't think i'm being pathetic.

 

[HashRouge]

I get how hard it is to say "no", but I really do think that's what you should do in this case as that way you will avoid any possible confusion and make sure she gets the message! If you really can't bring yourself to say no though, how about, if she asks to go with you again, telling her that you have already been/ are going down later once you have your tea? Hopefully she will soon lose interest. Or tell her you only have 5 minutes to spend at the farm as you need to go and do x/y/z, so there isn't much point.

 

[Pinkvboots]

Say you have already been to your pony today end of.

 

[*MoodyMare*]

I get how hard it is to say "no", but I really do think that's what you should do in this case as that way you will avoid any possible confusion and make sure she gets the message! If you really can't bring yourself to say no though, how about, if she asks to go with you again, telling her that you have already been/ are going down later once you have your tea? Hopefully she will soon lose interest. Or tell her you only have 5 minutes to spend at the farm as you need to go and do x/y/z, so there isn't much point.

Say you have already been to your pony today end of.

Good ideas, thank you. I just didn't want to be rude but I have to put pony's needs first and this lady coming down isn't doing her any good!

 

[pansy]

It's hard to say no sometimes & I feel for you , if she is the pushy type will be hard for her to take a no as well, maybe you could make up an excuse saying you had to go somewhere 1st , not ideal & not nice to do but it may give you a bit of time & she may not be so insistent next time - I hope someone else comes up th a better idea for you xxx

 

[*MoodyMare*]

It's hard to say no sometimes & I feel for you , if she is the pushy type will be hard for her to take a no as well, maybe you could make up an excuse saying you had to go somewhere 1st , not ideal & not nice to do but it may give you a bit of time & she may not be so insistent next time - I hope someone else comes up th a better idea for you xxx

Luckily the majority of folk on here are lovely and i'm sure nobody will tell me off or be nasty. I know how pathetic I sound and how some people would find it easy to say no. She is really pushy and she really believes that she is the most knowledgeable horsewoman ever - she is lovely, really really nice but I just can't say no or she just goes 'It's best if I do this' or 'It will benefit her by doing this'. I'm just so confused as i'm a novice and I really don't know what's right or not in this situation xxx

 

[WelshD]

Tricky. especially given your obvious attachment to the pony

If you trust the lady's experience and think she can help perhaps say 'I don't think what we tried last time is going to be successful, is there another approach we could try?'

If you don't want the help then maybe a 'we have decided to turn the pony completely away for the winter and have decided to use minimal handling for now'

If the lady can help I would accept the help provided that the pony isn't upset by any further attempts, I know you want to do this alone but don't reject help without carefully thinking about it

 

[nix123]

I think i'd go with the yes i need to do pony, but i have to pop home (or somewhere) first so no idea when i'll be down there. Or when you first get to her place just say hope you dont mind if i rush straight off as i've a couple of things to do. I know how hard such a little 2 letter word can be to say, so dont feel bad about not been able to say no.

 

[*MoodyMare*]

Tricky. especially given your obvious attachment to the pony

If you trust the lady's experience and think she can help perhaps say 'I don't think what we tried last time is going to be successful, is there another approach we could try?'

If you don't want the help then maybe a 'we have decided to turn the pony completely away for the winter and have decided to use minimal handling for now'

If the lady can help I would accept the help provided that the pony isn't upset by any further attempts, I know you want to do this alone but don't reject help without carefully thinking about it

Thank you for your reply, WelshD.
She makes suggestions like trying to herd her into a corner of the field so she can grab her headcollar and chasing her around the field - I don't know if it's right for my pony as I don't want to scare her but i'm completely inexperienced. I appreciate the help but I really think she's messing the pony up and not helping but I can't work out if that's what needs to be done or not. Does that make sense?

 

[*MoodyMare*]

I think i'd go with the yes i need to do pony, but i have to pop home (or somewhere) first so no idea when i'll be down there. Or when you first get to her plce just say hope you dont mind if i rush straight off as i've a couple of things to do.

The thing is, she'll ask me to go down around 10am/12pm and we won't get out riding until 3pm/4pm and if I say that I have to rush off (I did the day before yesterday) she just said 'Okay' and we didn't ride at all. So, essentially, I either don't ride and stick to how I was with pony or ride and pray she doesn't try to come with. It's a pickle as I love the horses I ride but I know I have to put my pony first.

 

[Tinypony]

Look, don't make excuses. Tell the truth in a nice but firm way. Say you appreciate that she wants to help you (not that you appreciate her help, which is an important distinction), but that you brought the pony as a personal project and you really want the fun of doing it all yourself.
Then, whatever she says - repeat that - "I appreciate that you want to help, but I brought the pony as a personal project and am looking forward to the fun of doing it all myself".
You won't have to repeat yourself more than 3 times as long as you stick to your lines. Make any excuses and she'll counter them, so don't do it.
Then she'll want to come and keep you company. "Thanks for the offer, but I really enjoy a bit of time on my own with pony in the day, so I'll go on my own". Again, stick to it.
Otherwise, when it all goes wrong you've only got yourself to blame.
And of course, she's not really being helpful, she wants to show off how much better at this stuff she is than you are.

 

[babymare]

Oh hun i feel for you as i find hard to say no and speak up for self. But i think you need to dig very very deep inside you and find the strength(cant think of another word) to explain you are really happy how your pony is going and that you want to just keep the one to one you are building with pony but your ideas are good and thanks for sharing. does that make sense? But hey i know its hard when you dont want to be rude but your pony must come first x x

 

[Toz]

Could you write a firm-worded email, so you can think about it in your own time and be strong about it.

This person clearly isn't helping your horse's confidence, and you need to stop it before it becomes a problem. Excuses help- or you could say 'maybe next time' or 'we need to spend some one to one time together' and make excuses every time. She will get bored soon and move on.

Or you could downright say that you have had real problems after she has visited with the pony, so you would rather she didn't come.

Just take a breath, and think that you are taking control of the situation, and doing right by your horse.

Also, I would say don't have the conversation near the yard, but far away, because once she has a hold of the horse, it will be much harder to say no or to disagree, or ask her to stop.

Best of luck, and just go for it whatever you do!

 

[texas]

You were making great progress with your pony. Just because she is experienced doesn't mean that she knows what's best for YOUR pony. Trust yourself.

Unfortunately I think it might be easier for you to not ride for her anymore. Then you don't have to worry about her interfering with your pony or feeling bad trying to put her off.

 

[Gloi]

You need to stress to her that the pony is a project for you and that you really just want to work on her yourself as a learning experience.
That said it really would be a good thing to get the pony in a stable/pen where you can get a headcollar on her and start really handling her, then putting her out with a string on her headcollar to get hold of her. It's pretty difficult to start handling an untouched pony in a field and you don't want to be in a position where you need to get hold of her for some reason such a treating an injury and you can't do it.

 

[*MoodyMare*]

I have decided that I will tell the lady that the pony was bought as my project and that I appreciate her offers to help but would rather carry on as I was. At the moment, I will try to carry on riding for her but if she persists in trying to come down to the pony and interfere I will have no hesitation in stopping riding.
I've seen how the pony was before and how is now and to be quite honest, I do not want to go back to square one with her.

I think most of me not being able to say no is because I am not 100% in what i'm doing myself and I really feel like she's taken advantage of that. Hopefully she'll get the idea and back off a little bit.

Thank you for the replies

 

[Tinypony]

Google Sarah Weston, dealing with untouched horses is her speciality.
Her book No Fear no Force might be interesting reading for you.

 

[*MoodyMare*]

Google Sarah Weston, dealing with untouched horses is her speciality.
Her book No Fear no Force might be interesting reading for you.

I bought that book a few weeks ago and really enjoyed reading it. Unfortunately I couldn't find anything in there about ponies that are turned out? Most of what she wrote about are things that can only be achieved when the pony is stabled which isn't an option for me until October. I've done touch/walk away, sit in field for hours and I even managed to stroke her face. She just needs time

 

[Annagain]

I bought that book a few weeks ago and really enjoyed reading it. Unfortunately I couldn't find anything in there about ponies that are turned out? Most of what she wrote about are things that can only be achieved when the pony is stabled which isn't an option for me until October. I've done touch/walk away, sit in field for hours and I even managed to stroke her face. She just needs time

You've just worded your senitments perfectly in that last sentence, so you just need to repeat it to her! (easier said than done I know!) Even though there'd be a bit of poetic licence in it, could you tell her that you've had a book recommended to you by somebody who had a lot of success following it and you want to try what it suggests for a few weeks to see how you get on with it. As long as she doesn't ask to see the book you'll be fine! If she does you'll have to conveniently 'forget' it until she stops asking!

 

[*MoodyMare*]

You've just worded your senitments perfectly in that last sentence, so you just need to repeat it to her! (easier said than done I know!) Even though there'd be a bit of poetic licence in it, could you tell her that you've had a book recommended to you by somebody who had a lot of success following it and you want to try what it suggests for a few weeks to see how you get on with it. As long as she doesn't ask to see the book you'll be fine! If she does you'll have to conveniently 'forget' it until she stops asking!

Good advice
I will stick to my guns and if she gets nasty or says I can't ride the horses it's fine because I have my pony

 

[LittleBlackMule]

I have a habit of acquiring basket cases and have had more than my share of interfering busy bodies to contend with as a result, so I really sympathise with you!

You sound like you have a pretty good handle on things for yourself, so you really don't need this sort of 'help'. You don't have to be too blunt with this lady, just sugar it up with "thank you so much for your help so far, it's really kind of you. I think I've got the hang of it now, so I'd like to see how much I can get done by myself as a challenge.."

Good luck and have fun.

 

[*MoodyMare*]

I have a habit of acquiring basket cases and have had more than my share of interfering busy bodies to contend with as a result, so I really sympathise with you!

You sound like you have a pretty good handle on things for yourself, so you really don't need this sort of 'help'. You don't have to be too blunt with this lady, just sugar it up with "thank you so much for your help so far, it's really kind of you. I think I've got the hang of it now, so I'd like to see how much I can get done by myself as a challenge.."

Good luck and have fun.

Thank you
After seeing how frightened she was I think i'll just have to be firm and if she takes it as nasty so be it. I can't risk anything happening to my pony, she means the world to me and there'll always be other horses I can ride

 

[be positive]

I bought that book a few weeks ago and really enjoyed reading it. Unfortunately I couldn't find anything in there about ponies that are turned out? Most of what she wrote about are things that can only be achieved when the pony is stabled which isn't an option for me until October. I've done touch/walk away, sit in field for hours and I even managed to stroke her face. She just needs time

Your answer is here, say that until you have a stable in October you are not going to do anything other than daily feeds and checks, by then she will probably have less time and lose interest, it actually makes sense as well it will be so much easier once the pony is in to make real progress as you can handle her daily.

 

[*MoodyMare*]

Your answer is here, say that until you have a stable in October you are not going to do anything other than daily feeds and checks, by then she will probably have less time and lose interest, it actually makes sense as well it will be so much easier once the pony is in to make real progress as you can handle her daily.

This is true.

 

[putasocinit]

Please search natural horsemanship, it really is an eye opener about how the leader (alpha) mare takes charge of the herd and how there are other positions in the herd, and when a new horse wants to join the herd in order for the herd to be safe the new horse has to follow the rules and if he/she doesnt the alpa mare chases him away, and he doesnt want to be on his own as he wouldnt be safe so he does the mouthing to say can he come back and behave (I am just putting it in laymans terms).

But you are now the alpha mare to your pony, you and pony are now a herd, so tell kind lady as you are the leader of the herd pony needs to follow you at this stage in their life until they feel safe and no longer nervous.

The joining up though might help your relationship and some desensitising. It will make pony see you as its leader because that is how horses understand horse psychology

 

[*MoodyMare*]

Please search natural horsemanship, it really is an eye opener about how the leader (alpha) mare takes charge of the herd and how there are other positions in the herd, and when a new horse wants to join the herd in order for the herd to be safe the new horse has to follow the rules and if he/she doesnt the alpa mare chases him away, and he doesnt want to be on his own as he wouldnt be safe so he does the mouthing to say can he come back and behave (I am just putting it in laymans terms).

But you are now the alpha mare to your pony, you and pony are now a herd, so tell kind lady as you are the leader of the herd pony needs to follow you at this stage in their life until they feel safe and no longer nervous.

The joining up though might help your relationship and some desensitising. It will make pony see you as its leader because that is how horses understand horse psychology

Thanks for this reply - and the pony in your display picture is gorgeous!!

I've been trying join-up with her but we're not getting anywhere in the field. I wish I knew what i'm doing because i'm reading up online and Sarah Weston's book but everything I try doesn't seem to work. I really have no idea what i'm doing.

 

[CinnamonChristmasCookie]

You don't want your pony even more nervous than she is so you simply cannot afford for this woman to come and get all heavy handed with her. Do what Tinypony says, don't make excuses, just say it how it is, hard but you'll feel fab afterwards! Can't you get your mum on to her, hun?

 

[*MoodyMare*]

You don't want your pony even more nervous than she is so you simply cannot afford for this woman to come and get all heavy handed with her. Do what Tinypony says, don't make excuses, just say it how it is, hard but you'll feel fab afterwards! Can't you get your mum on to her, hun?

My mum overheard her saying she was going to get a lunge-line on her and handle her and had to stop herself from saying something as she wasn't happy but I just feel like i'm going to blow this new friendship and I don't know how i'll cope with no advice as I don't know what i'm doing. I'm way over my head here

I feel like i'm doing her damage by not knowing what i'm doing. She gets bored easily and will completely switch off and then I feel like i'm not making progress and then this lady comes along and she gets her eating from her hand within 20 minutes and it took me 3 weeks. Maybe she does know what she's doing?

 

[doriangrey]

Your answer is here, say that until you have a stable in October you are not going to do anything other than daily feeds and checks, by then she will probably have less time and lose interest, it actually makes sense as well it will be so much easier once the pony is in to make real progress as you can handle her daily.

Agree with this, it will be a lot easier once she's in. At the moment she has everything she needs so it's probably not that she is afraid of you just that she isn't relying on you. I, personally, wouldn't try join-up because it doesn't suit every horse. I've had my youngster a month and not much phases her now. You will get there

 

[*MoodyMare*]

Agree with this, it will be a lot easier once she's in. At the moment she has everything she needs so it's probably not that she is afraid of you just that she isn't relying on you. I, personally, wouldn't try join-up because it doesn't suit every horse. I've had my youngster a month and not much phases her now. You will get there

Thank you
She's happy to be next to me and to eat from my hand. She's wary of me touching her muzzle again and she tends to lose focus quickly and walks away. I follow her and when she stops, I stop but after a quick nuzzle she's off again. Can someone tell me if i'm going the right away about this?