Time to give up? WWYD?

[Wobbly1]

I'm posting under a different user name as I'm in a bit of a dilemma and unsure what my next move will be.


I lost my last horse four years ago and a month later bought my current horse. He was four and off the track, green but bold.


we had a season eventing before I fell pregnant. Horse had about a year of doing not much except the odd hack or schooling session. Didn't do him any harm. Back into work properly last year when I went back to work and had a bit more time. I thoroughly enjoyed getting back onboard and was filled with fresh enthusiasm for getting out and about. First xc training I was actually terrified. Told trainer this who built us up slowly and at the end we were cruising round in great rhythm and confidence building.


Next few weeks it all going well then I'm not sure what started it but my confidence has fallen apart. We attended an RoR clinic and horse was seriously on his toes. We were pushed quite hard in the lesson and I came away feeling defeated, next few weeks horse not going well at all - very spooky, asked physio to check over, found sore shoulder. Came back a bit better but I can't bring myself to jump him anymore. I don't know if it's being a mummy or something else but I feel I'm not up to riding sharp horses anymore. Everyone who knows me reassures me I'm a competent jockey but I'm not convinced. My little horse is a worker and the area I live in has no 24/7 grass livery, I'm travelling a huge distance at the moment to do DIY with daily turnout but he still needs worked and with this awful wet weather the turnout been restricted he's even sharper and it's a daily battle.


i feel it's time to give up riding him. But I feel I'm letting my horse down. There is a full livery yard nearer home that I'm considering but it has no winter turnout. But does have horse walker and indoor and outdoor schools. Maybe without the pressure of rushing to do the daily 45 min drive there and back I would feel like continuing. But would my horse be sharper and more difficult to ride? He's a lamb to handle even when in 24/7, riding is different. He does nothing naughty, he is simply sensitive and quick, not a bucker or rearer. I feel it's largely me that's wanting a quieter life - I'd like to get on without all the buzzy lets go fast feeling! Riding is my only me time now I'm a mummy and my daughter is my number one priority now, but horses do keep me sane!

hes a lovely horse to be around and I really do love him but I am no longer happy to compete him and I miss competitions and jumping. I've never ever sold a horse before and am worried he will end up in the wrong hands.


My husband thinks I should send him away to be sold but I don't know if he would cope with this and I feel I should be the one to find him a new home.


so what would you do in my shoes? Should I sell him? Should I keep him as a pet to ensure his future? Give up completely as I am clearly a huge wimp that my younger self would've laughed at!


thanks if you got this far, I'm just looking for some sound advice from a neutral perspective. Feel a bit silly writing this.

 

[spookypony]

I think you're possibly not in a good place to make a decision right now. I can think of two things you might do: First, get an instructor (maybe more than one?) you trust to assess the situation and give you an honest opinion. Sometimes it's not about your abilities, but your state of mind, and you need to figure out if this is a thing you want to keep doing. Second, perhaps you can find a sharer in the meantime, to take some of the pressure off you to do all the riding yourself. As you see him doing well with someone else on him, you may feel inspired to ride him again yourself.

 

[Milanesa]

Becoming a parent changes your perspective on things. Sounds like you know the answer to your own question.

If you can keep him as a field ornament then the horse will be perfectly happy with that and you will not lose anymore confidence through riding, however if you are thinking of taking a break from horses in general then it sounds like selling the horse would be best all round. As he is only young he could be a great horse for someone else. Nothing wrong with getting a safe hack- life changes and if you no longer want to take unnessesary risks with this sharp horse then don't feel bad about that!

 

[Custard Cream]

I'm not a mummy so can't comment on that side of things but I would move to the nearer yard and do more lunging/ground work. Horse sounds sweet, you also need to give yourself a break too x

 

[Wobbly1]

I think you're possibly not in a good place to make a decision right now. I can think of two things you might do: First, get an instructor (maybe more than one?) you trust to assess the situation and give you an honest opinion. Sometimes it's not about your abilities, but your state of mind, and you need to figure out if this is a thing you want to keep doing. Second, perhaps you can find a sharer in the meantime, to take some of the pressure off you to do all the riding yourself. As you see him doing well with someone else on him, you may feel inspired to ride him again yourself.

I agree, I'm not possibly in best state of mind for making the decision. My usual instructor has been busy but it was my intention to ask her to sit on my boy and see what she thinks of it all. However she's just told me that she's pregnant! So not riding any other horses than her own! I will however still discuss it with her when she gets up to give me a lesson. A sharer is a great suggestion but for my boy possibly not the type who would cope with two jockeys.

 

[Wobbly1]

Becoming a parent changes your perspective on things. Sounds like you know the answer to your own question.

If you can keep him as a field ornament then the horse will be perfectly happy with that and you will not lose anymore confidence through riding, however if you are thinking of taking a break from horses in general then it sounds like selling the horse would be best all round. As he is only young he could be a great horse for someone else. Nothing wrong with getting a safe hack- life changes and if you no longer want to take unnessesary risks with this sharp horse then don't feel bad about that!

I'm worried I do know the answer but would seriously feel guilty parting with this lovely soul to buy another when he could end up in the wrong hands. I can't afford to keep two sadly. Perhaps this is why I'm really blaming my riding and thinking I should just keep him as a pet.

 

[Wobbly1]

I'm not a mummy so can't comment on that side of things but I would move to the nearer yard and do more lunging/ground work. Horse sounds sweet, you also need to give yourself a break too x

Yeah moving closer would be a start to give myself a chance to have more time then re evaluate at that point x

 

[Tobiano]

hi Wobbly1. I can't relate exactly to your situation as I gave up riding aged 18 and only took it up again aged 40 by when i had 2 children. But I totally relate to the concept of feeling differently about things when you are a mum. No logic - but it happens.

My advice? FWIW which is probably not a lot but - find a wonderful home for your horse, then wait until you have the absolute urge that cannot be denied, and get another one.

Everyone is different but once you are a mum you have different priorities and that is ok. Hugs x x

 

[Firewell]

I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Is it the horse or is it you? I ask this because you said when you were pregnant he didn't do much.. how was he to ride then when not in much work? It could be the way you feel at the moment, you could feel that way with any horse.
Could you maybe put him on loan while you decide what to do? Have you tried riding some other horses recently?
I had my baby 7 months ago and I have an ex racer. I do what I want, if I want to ride I do, if I want to jump I do. If I don't, I don't. My horse is sensitive as well, if I'm chilled, he is and vice versa. I find he's happy to do whatever I want to do its me that puts silly thoughts in my head!
My point is, yours sounds safe...and you know him. Do you really want the hassle of selling him and then trying to find another and then spending the time to get to know another horse which will probably have different issues.
only you can decide

 

[madmav]

Move him closer, get a sharer, turn him away for a bit. Any of those are worth trying while you think it through. No shame in having to sell on though if you decide that's what's best. There are good homes out there for what sounds like a good horse.

 

[merlinsquest]

I'm not a mummy either so can't help there, but I do know a lot about confidence, losing it & regaining it & then having to do it all over again. A really good coach who will support you & who you can communicate with openly is a must. Sometimes when I have had a tough time I have looked back & thought that I should have just told him (the coach) what was going on, after all he isn't a mind reader. I have also used NLP to great effect & can put you in touch with someone who can help you with that too. Sounds like your husband is supportive & kind as is mine despite being completely unhorsey & I find that talking to him & getting his input helps too. Good luck!

 

[Red-1]

I think it is a difficult time of year to make any decisions. A lot of horses are a bit too sharp at the moment, plus the cold weather and short days are all a bit disheartening. I bet come summer you and he could re-bond, and have a lovely time.

You could leave him as a field ornament until summer, or take him to the new yard with facilities to work on lungeing and other stuff. You may find that in an indoor school he is not half so sharp, and you could enjoy ridden schooling indoors until the weather warms up.

To sell or loan is also available, but if it were me I would wait, and if you feel the same in summer then that is a better time to sell anyway.

Plus I don't suppose he would mind if you decided he could be a pasture ornament permanently if that is what you wished. But again that decision could wait until summer.

Maybe if you moved yards the perfect solution would present itself!

 

[pippixox]

i think you are putting yourself under too much pressure and are over worrying and over thinking things. even the best ex-racers (i have one!) pick up on your emotions a lot, i have found many thoroughbreds are very in-tune with their riders emotions. i went through a very anxious time with riding and my normally great boy became very tense as he picked up on it. with lessons and learning to relax everything improved- this was about 6 years ago and never have a confidence blip with him again.
from speaking to friends with children they have said that after having children they have had a lot more self preservation and have had less confidence. your priorities change as horses are no longer number one in your life.
you need to remember what you enjoy from riding, even if now you just want to be a happy hacker- it actually sounds like he is quite well suited to that.

 

[splashgirl45]

this is a bad time of year to own a sharp horse(i know ive got one) why not stop ridinghim now, just do some ground work ,a little lunging or maybe de spooking excercises to keep hios brain ticking over. then once the weather gets warmer get on him again, maybe lunge first.....if you still dont feel happy in the summer then think about loaning/sharer or selling. i could quite happily give mine away today after her hysterics coming in from the field but i know she will be saner in the summer...

 

[Kwpnbay]

I am exactly the same and posted a thread just now

I had an injury which left me paralysed for 3 months I couldn't do anything with my daughter wasn't my horse who did it.


I am pregnant with my second and have a 3 year old kwpn who is so well behaved but a youngster is a youngster I think I have convinced my self to sell due to risk cost and motherhood.

But I am the same as you just don't know what is right but I don't ever want to be in that position where I can't look after my children again.

At the same time I love horses and have ridden and competed all my life seems a shame in one sense! But he does deserve some one with time and a lot more confidence than what I can give with mother instincts effecting me.

 

[wench]

The first thing I'd do would be to move him too the closer yard. Will take the stress away from you.

Will the yard exercise? I'd look into that as a possiblity as well if your budget stretches that far. If he's been on a racing yard, and raced, he will have had different riders on him, so it wouldn't be a totally new alien concept to him

 

[Wobbly1]

hi Wobbly1. I can't relate exactly to your situation as I gave up riding aged 18 and only took it up again aged 40 by when i had 2 children. But I totally relate to the concept of feeling differently about things when you are a mum. No logic - but it happens.

My advice? FWIW which is probably not a lot but - find a wonderful home for your horse, then wait until you have the absolute urge that cannot be denied, and get another one.

Everyone is different but once you are a mum you have different priorities and that is ok. Hugs x x

Thanks for your input. I'm very aware my priorities have changed and I feel guilty. I'm contemplating selling him more so I can spend time with my family and feel my horse is quite a selfish hobby, but I do love my boy to bits.

I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Is it the horse or is it you? I ask this because you said when you were pregnant he didn't do much.. how was he to ride then when not in much work? It could be the way you feel at the moment, you could feel that way with any horse.
Could you maybe put him on loan while you decide what to do? Have you tried riding some other horses recently?
I had my baby 7 months ago and I have an ex racer. I do what I want, if I want to ride I do, if I want to jump I do. If I don't, I don't. My horse is sensitive as well, if I'm chilled, he is and vice versa. I find he's happy to do whatever I want to do its me that puts silly thoughts in my head!
My point is, yours sounds safe...and you know him. Do you really want the hassle of selling him and then trying to find another and then spending the time to get to know another horse which will probably have different issues.
only you can decide

Yes that's a very good point he is safe and I know him. He does pick up on how I feel and probably knows I'm distracted and rushing so he is too! I always put a lot of pressure on myself to do everything perfect but I need to work on that.

Move him closer, get a sharer, turn him away for a bit. Any of those are worth trying while you think it through. No shame in having to sell on though if you decide that's what's best. There are good homes out there for what sounds like a good horse.

Def going to move him closer. I feel I owe him that to see if that helps. That may just give me a bit more time and breathing space. He is a good horse - prob just wasted with me as his hopeless jockey.

 

[Wobbly1]

I'm not a mummy either so can't help there, but I do know a lot about confidence, losing it & regaining it & then having to do it all over again. A really good coach who will support you & who you can communicate with openly is a must. Sometimes when I have had a tough time I have looked back & thought that I should have just told him (the coach) what was going on, after all he isn't a mind reader. I have also used NLP to great effect & can put you in touch with someone who can help you with that too. Sounds like your husband is supportive & kind as is mine despite being completely unhorsey & I find that talking to him & getting his input helps too. Good luck!

That's really interesting. Could you give me more info on NLP? Pm if you prefer.

I think it is a difficult time of year to make any decisions. A lot of horses are a bit too sharp at the moment, plus the cold weather and short days are all a bit disheartening. I bet come summer you and he could re-bond, and have a lovely time.

You could leave him as a field ornament until summer, or take him to the new yard with facilities to work on lungeing and other stuff. You may find that in an indoor school he is not half so sharp, and you could enjoy ridden schooling indoors until the weather warms up.

To sell or loan is also available, but if it were me I would wait, and if you feel the same in summer then that is a better time to sell anyway.

Plus I don't suppose he would mind if you decided he could be a pasture ornament permanently if that is what you wished. But again that decision could wait until summer.

Maybe if you moved yards the perfect solution would present itself!

Certainly going to move him and see how we get on. At the yard I'm at we aren't allowed to loose school and I think even the chance to buck and freestyle would help him settle and maybe not be quite so quick. He doesn't scare me as such I just don't feel as bold as I did before. Hard to explain.

 

[Goldenstar]

He sounds like a nice horse with lots of training in him.
There's nothing wrong is selling a nice horse who is not doing the job you need .
He dont have to sell in a hurry so you have time to be fair to him and sell him to the right home .

 

[Wobbly1]

i think you are putting yourself under too much pressure and are over worrying and over thinking things. even the best ex-racers (i have one!) pick up on your emotions a lot, i have found many thoroughbreds are very in-tune with their riders emotions. i went through a very anxious time with riding and my normally great boy became very tense as he picked up on it. with lessons and learning to relax everything improved- this was about 6 years ago and never have a confidence blip with him again.
from speaking to friends with children they have said that after having children they have had a lot more self preservation and have had less confidence. your priorities change as horses are no longer number one in your life.
you need to remember what you enjoy from riding, even if now you just want to be a happy hacker- it actually sounds like he is quite well suited to that.

He's actually a fab hacker, nothing spooks him at all and I feel calmest on the road in any circumstance, several years of riding out racehorse and eventers put miles on my clock there! I almost feel I am ruining him by just plodding about and not cracking on with schooling/jumping etc. def need to ease the pressure don't i?!

this is a bad time of year to own a sharp horse(i know ive got one) why not stop ridinghim now, just do some ground work ,a little lunging or maybe de spooking excercises to keep hios brain ticking over. then once the weather gets warmer get on him again, maybe lunge first.....if you still dont feel happy in the summer then think about loaning/sharer or selling. i could quite happily give mine away today after her hysterics coming in from the field but i know she will be saner in the summer...

Another issue with current yard is as well as no loose schooling we aren't allowed to lunge (new surface just installed) part of my having to ride is due to these rules and the lack of safe turnout. Hopefully moving to new yard where he's at least allowed to loose school it will help. He's really fantastic on the ground, I'm actually sitting here pondering whether he has some other issues going on. Physio out Wednesday so will be checked out.

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

Time to give up on what exactly?

Confidence can take a knock with the addition of children. I know mine has. I won't ride anything i don't know inside out nor go for a complete blast any more. I have 2 young boys so who would do all the care work and it's a lot to ask my friend to look after my ponies should I be involved in a riding accident. I've had my pony 20yrs and trust him but there's still that niggle in the back of my mind, what if?

Being a mum and rider can be hard work particularly at this time of the year. I'm struggling at the moment with 2 jobs, full time mummyhood and my friend who I share duties with is off sick with bronchitis so doing ponies twice a day too.

Make life as easy as you can for yourself, take a deep breath, assess the situation on a nice sunny day (if we ever get one) and go from there.

 

[Wobbly1]

I am exactly the same and posted a thread just now

I had an injury which left me paralysed for 3 months I couldn't do anything with my daughter wasn't my horse who did it.


I am pregnant with my second and have a 3 year old kwpn who is so well behaved but a youngster is a youngster I think I have convinced my self to sell due to risk cost and motherhood.

But I am the same as you just don't know what is right but I don't ever want to be in that position where I can't look after my children again.

At the same time I love horses and have ridden and competed all my life seems a shame in one sense! But he does deserve some one with time and a lot more confidence than what I can give with mother instincts effecting me.

Oh my goodness sorry to hear of you accident and congrats in baby number two! Instincts certainly take over.

I do know in my heart that I need horse time to be a good mummy as I need a bit of me time but it's hard to fit it all in and feel I'm doing any of it well!

The first thing I'd do would be to move him too the closer yard. Will take the stress away from you.

Will the yard exercise? I'd look into that as a possiblity as well if your budget stretches that far. If he's been on a racing yard, and raced, he will have had different riders on him, so it wouldn't be a totally new alien concept to him

Yes moving def is the plan now. I don't think the yard would exercise however if he's nearer I could be there everyday even if just to walk in hand to pick at grass or loose school or lunge. There is also the horse walker too. It would be good to see someone else ride him as someone mentioned previously that might inspire me to do more.

 

[FfionWinnie]

Move him to the full livery if you can afford and them have the luxury of riding in the indoor every day. Even if you lunge before riding who cares, take the edge off him. If you feel the same in the summer sell him and get a cob or whatever you want that will let you enjoy it again.

 

[Wobbly1]

He sounds like a nice horse with lots of training in him.
There's nothing wrong is selling a nice horse who is not doing the job you need .
He dont have to sell in a hurry so you have time to be fair to him and sell him to the right home .

Thank you. He is a lovely horse, I have to stop myself from thinking I've done a rubbish job with him and no one would want him. If I do decide to sell him I'm hopeful I would find him a 5* home. Im certainly in no rush and I'd need to be 110% sure selling was the right choice.

 

[Wobbly1]

Time to give up on what exactly?

Confidence can take a knock with the addition of children. I know mine has. I won't ride anything i don't know inside out nor go for a complete blast any more. I have 2 young boys so who would do all the care work and it's a lot to ask my friend to look after my ponies should I be involved in a riding accident. I've had my pony 20yrs and trust him but there's still that niggle in the back of my mind, what if?

Being a mum and rider can be hard work particularly at this time of the year. I'm struggling at the moment with 2 jobs, full time mummyhood and my friend who I share duties with is off sick with bronchitis so doing ponies twice a day too.

Make life as easy as you can for yourself, take a deep breath, assess the situation on a nice sunny day (if we ever get one) and go from there.

I'm certainly finding it tough at the moment. I guess I was pondering whether I should give up horses or just give up riding mine.

I am going to try and make things simpler. Getting rid of huge journey of 26miles to yard to a four mile car trip or a mile on cycle path is a start.

 

[Luci07]

I have seen friends whose outlook has changed once they have children. Nothing wrong with that. So your desire has now changed and you want a horse who is a little more chilled. I honestly can't understand why you are being so hard on yourself! I love riding mine and feel very safe though my eventer friend says he is exceedingly sharp. However, I feel safe on him as for all his fun and games he would never ever intentionally hurt me and I can say that having had 2 horses in my varied horse ownership who would. So, I would look at giving him the best prep for sale, draw a line and start again. He is not an old horse and he has proven he has ability so rather than think no one else could care as much for him think that, with the right prep he could be with someone who thinks he is Mr Right and not Mr Make do.

 

[Wobbly1]

Move him to the full livery if you can afford and them have the luxury of riding in the indoor every day. Even if you lunge before riding who cares, take the edge off him. If you feel the same in the summer sell him and get a cob or whatever you want that will let you enjoy it again.

Thank you I think waiting for better weather is the best bet. I've already taken his shoes off and he's unclipped this year so maybe he will turn into a cob. Just kidding.

 

[Wobbly1]

I have seen friends whose outlook has changed once they have children. Nothing wrong with that. So your desire has now changed and you want a horse who is a little more chilled. I honestly can't understand why you are being so hard on yourself! I love riding mine and feel very safe though my eventer friend says he is exceedingly sharp. However, I feel safe on him as for all his fun and games he would never ever intentionally hurt me and I can say that having had 2 horses in my varied horse ownership who would. So, I would look at giving him the best prep for sale, draw a line and start again. He is not an old horse and he has proven he has ability so rather than think no one else could care as much for him think that, with the right prep he could be with someone who thinks he is Mr Right and not Mr Make do.

He's possibly the quickest horse I've ever ridden! Including the good racehorses. If I'm being completely honest I've never ever given up on a horse (and I've had a few tricky ones) and I feel selling this ones means I would've given up and makes me feel terrible. He really doesn't do anything wrong at all but if you move an inch he notices. I know not everyone likes that feeling though he makes some lovely telepathic transitions! Think go and your on your way. He would never intentionally injure anyone. Raise your voice and he takes note. He's sensitive and I love him and used to love riding him, I just feel I'm being a wimp.

I probably am being hard on myself but I am used to keeping horses forever and never thought I'd be in a situation where I thought I had the wrong one