Time to say goodbye, making the right decision

Cheshire Chestnut

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Posted about my horse before, it's a long story. Please bear with me as I really need help and a friendly word. So here it is in a nutshell:

My lovely 8 year old Welsh D got a cough in May 2015 along with other horses on the yard. Cough stayed and vet called. 3 scopes, a tonne of steroids, a nebuliser, a lung biopsy, £5k and several months later, he's been diagnosed with severe COPD/RAO having never had it before or even a slight symptom of it in the past. His lung biopsy showed chronic lung disease with scarring and fibrosis. The fibrosis was mild but would more than likely get worse in time.

I basically nursed him carefully; did his nebuliser with dexamethasone twice a day for the first 5 months, then once a day every day since. I've ensured his bedding is dust free and stable always fresh and super clean. His feed is carefully selected, he's on a structured fitness program, he has expensive supplements for his immune system etc. I keep a thorough diary every day on his resp rate, exercise and general health every single day. Everthing I can do, I will do. He's never come off the steroids and 100% cannot, however the dose had been very low and via his nebusiler. He was that fit this summer he was at cross country and all sorts of shows, we had a blast!

I'm always nervous of weather change. Seasons change and feel stressed the whole time. This winter cold spell has really set his lungs off again. After a wonderful summer together he's now relapsed in a big way. Even the oral steroids that saved his life last time aren't helping him now. Tonight the vet came, he had coughed his head off all weekend with today being the worst day by far. The vet has told me to up his oral steroids even more and put I'm on antibiotics too. She thinks that it probably won't help but we're going to give it a go for 5 days. His resp rate is spot on and normal, his temp is normal and his lungs only have a very slight wheeze, but he's coughing a lot (which was his symptom last time), which could mean there's more than meets the eye. Who knows, I'm not putting him through all the scoping and tests again, he deserves rest and peace now.

He cannot just be put out to grass and retire, he's steroid dependant and he'd suffer a lot without them.

Suppose I feel I owe him a chance at getting better again... but where do I draw the line? I have no insurance left, he's got a chronic lung condition and he's never going to recover from it, but hes a happy boy. Do I keep going again until next time he has a relapse (it has taken over a year for a relapse to happen)? Or do I make the decision to have him PTS now?

I've been in tears all night, he's my best friend and I love him dearly. I can't imagine my life without his furry little ears and goregous fluffy face. Someone please tell me what to do :( I've had over a year of managing this next to impossible situation of a horse that's allergic to straw, dust and hay, and now I'm exhausted.
 
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meleeka

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Why can't he live out and stay on the steroids? Plenty of horses happily live out while still be ridden.

Nobody can tell you what to do. You have to know in your heart that you are doing the right thing when you PTS. It's hard enough when you have that knowledge and unbearably if you doubt your decision.
 

respectedpony driver

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Hi,What a lovely person you are and your beautiful horse is very lucky to have such a caring owner.
What a time you both have had.
I would wait for the 5 days and see if his cough gets better.
You will know if he is distressed enough to PTS by how he is in himself.Your vet should help you.
Good luck with it all.I am sending you and your horse healing thoughts.
 

Cheshire Chestnut

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Meleeka, I've tried finding him somewhere outdoor that has no hay as supplement in the field in winter but it's I'm so hard to find anywhere near I can still do his neb at. He can't go on really long lush grass either as he's a Welsh D and risk of lami even more with being on steroids. Feel like I hit brick walls everywhere I go.
 

Michen

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I think you just know and you will know when you do if that makes sense. Totally different problems but I had similar with my beloved gelding and it felt like I was slamming in to a wall every time. Different parts of him needed different things and I just couldn't make it work. I agonised over it, changed my mind, cried and then tried something else for the millionth time. Then I just looked at him one evening and new categorically that putting him down was the right thing to do and actually the only thing I could have done- for both of us. You'll know when enough is enough x
 

paddi22

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It sounds like you have given it your best shot, and used up all the resources you have. You can tell from your post how much you love and care for him, and have gone way beyond what a lot of people would do. See how he is after the five days and then make a call on it.If you feel like his quality of life is getting worse then the fairest thing would be to pts. You really have tried everything with him, so you can have a clear conscience knowing that you did your best. I had to make the same decision recently and it was horrible. But I was glad I made the call when i saw how the weather changed and how she would have gone down hill. I was sad for ages but the main feeling that remained was relief that she had a great summer.
 

Wagtail

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The question for me would be, is he distressed when he's coughing? I've have cared for retired horses with COPD before and they have been fine out with haylage and rugging. They still coughed but were not in the slightest bit distressed. If he's distressed, and you have tried everything then PTS is really the kindest option. However, you say he is happy. Could you afford to keep him on the steroids and just continue his current routine? Maybe just leave him through the winter and pick him up (riding-wise) in the spring and summer? Coughing does not automatically equal an unhappy horse. Many cough a lot but are very happy retired.
 

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So sorry to read of your boys relapse, you have done everything everything you can to keep him going and it is heartbreaking and emotionally exhausting for you to face yet another setback. I am sending positive vibes that he improves over the five days, if he does not then whatever you decide you know you have given him the best chance and you have some lovely memories of last summer.
 

Cheshire Chestnut

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Thank you for your lovely words and honest opinions. I can afford to keep him on steroids and living out at my friend's place but I'm just not sure how much good it will do him... also a selfish part of me: I can only afford one horse, time and money wise. I have moved away from my family (they live over 150 miles away) and my friends to live in a village with my husband and his family. I love my life, all my new friends I've made are yard related... without my riding and going out places (going on long hacks in the first via the trailer, farm rides, group lessons and jumping clinics etc) I'm a bit lost. I can't afford to have two horses either. Am I cruel that this maybe part of my decision making too? I've only just woken up with this side of the argument, it was not something I was thinking when I first had written this OP. Had a long sleepless night to think about everything and argue every side of it (I work in a law related job and therefore arguing every side of the case is very important in my decision making).

I'm getting confused over what I'm keeping a horse alive for with a chronic lung condition. I feel so lost.
 

Sandstone1

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I'm sorry you are in this situation.
Only you can truly make the decision. I think if it was me I would want to try him living out. Sometimes going back to basics is the best thing. If you could find somewhere he could go out 24/7 with shelter and the right sort of grazing it would be worth a try. However clean a stable is there is going to be some dust. That won't help him.
It may not be possible for you to do but I think if I were in your shoes that is what I would try.
If it doesn't work at least you would have tried.
Good luck.
 

Cragrat

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You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have invested a huge amount- time and love and care as well as money into him, and he has repaid you with fun and companionship in return.
But looking at cold hard logic, we buy and keep horses for our pleasure. We have limited time and money to spend on them. We owe it to them to not let them suffer. We owe it to ourselves choose how spend the money , and time, we earn.
Many horses are PTS for less, and that is BETTER than being passed on as 'companions' or left to rot somewhere.

People will come along and say you are cruel and hard hearted and you should endlessly pour your time and money into him for the next 20/30 years. But its YOUR life, not theirs. If they were living in exactly the same circumstances as you, maybe they'd do the same, maybe not. But it's your decision, and don't feel bad. You've given him a far better life for longer, than many. You have done your best. Don't drag it out. It will be worse for both of you.


(And i don't know if it's relevant or helps, but I have a 28y/o Tb, who was first retired from competition for a few years,and for the last 2 years hasn't been ridden at all. I'm lucky enough to be able to keep her at home, but I know that if I was paying livery, she would have been PTS ages ago. For economic reasons).
 

thistledonicely

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Have a ((((hug)))) I hope you're feeling a little better this morning.

You know your horse best and having been in a situation where there were brick walls at every turn, I can honestly say there is nothing wrong with considering the impact on you as well. You'll know when the time has come - give it a few days and read back through your posts, see the words you've written and perhaps things will feel clearer. For what it's worth, and forgive me if I'm wrong, you sound like you're almost there but want someone to say 'it's ok'. Talk to your vet about the viable options and take it from there.

Thinking of you.
 

Merlod

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You sound like you have done a wonderful job with him. You could try finding somewhere for him to live out as others have but acquiring a field is easier said than done and you’ll still have the issue of only being able to afford one horse; perhaps it is better to let him go before he gets worse – that way you can spend your remaining time loving and spoiling him before he goes instead of having to make a sudden decision if/when he deteriorates further. Perhaps discuss with your vet to give you peace of mind.
 

Pinkvboots

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Could he live out and have haylage in the field, I manage to buy whatever I call light haylage it's not rye grass and it's not as rich as haylage but is not dry like hay so it's ideal for horses that need soaked hay but without the richness of haylage, you could maybe try and source some where you are I would imagine a lot of farmers make it. just an idea for you:)

I can imagine living and caring for a horse with such a condition is very stressful and requires a very dedicated person which you obviously are, please don't feel guilty about having him pts it sounds like you have really done your best for him.
 

Sukistokes2

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I'd say its more then ok, you have done amazing things for this horse and really tried to do the best for him. Now its time to step back and say "What is best for me?" No , it is not selfish to put yourself first, what you are doing is eating up your resources and you could end up in trouble or being ill yourself, with the stress of it. If there was an ending, a chance, a set amount of time I would be the first to say chin up, keep going but there isnt really, is there? From what you have said its only getting worst and the outcomes are not good. Talk to your vet, but I think your mind is made up, I know what I would do but thats me.
Good luck.
 

southerncomfort

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To top it all off, I had a miscarriage at nearly 10 weeks, three weeks ago. I am at the end of my emotional tether.

I'm so very sorry, what a terrible time you are having at the moment.

What I would say is, don't rush in to any decisions. Your head will be all over the place at the moment and if he's happy right now then you can afford to take your time and make sure you are 100% happy with any decision you make.

Thinking of you. xx
 

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I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, that's just awful.

I wouldn't rush in to PTS just yet whilst you are understandably in a very emotional state. I would at least try having him live out somewhere for say a month, and see how he copes. Then you'll know finally whether you've tried everything. Otherwise, you may find that a little niggle of 'perhaps I should have tried such and such' eats away at you after the event.

Hugs. I've had the long drawn out losing battle with poorly horses before, and it's so draining.
 

Cheshire Chestnut

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You're right, not going to rush into anything. I might try and move him to my friend's smallholding that's free from dust and just has grass and hayledge to see how he does.

Forgot to say that he also has a collapsed vein in his neck so his lymph glands are always slow at draining. This happened when the canula was in his neck at the horse hospital last year. Doesn't really add much, just a slight complication as he has restricted blood flow up and down his neck from his head as only one side works.
 

Adopter

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You do not need anyone's permission, you have already done more than a lot of owners would do. Being out of insurance would worry me, it is not just the steroids, but other things that can happen.

I have always said goodbye so the horse does not feel fright or pain, and do not regretted any of the decisions, there is so much happening to you at present be kind to yourself, go with your gut feeling. Hugs.
 

Wagtail

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To top it all off, I had a miscarriage at nearly 10 weeks, three weeks ago. I am at the end of my emotional tether.

I am so sorry. This will all be taking a huge toll on you. Probably, my advice would be to release yourself from the burden of having to make a decision for now. Say to yourself you will have Christmas and New Year and not try to decide what to do with your horse. Set a date and start to think about his future then.
 

ycbm

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I am so sorry. This will all be taking a huge toll on you. Probably, my advice would be to release yourself from the burden of having to make a decision for now. Say to yourself you will have Christmas and New Year and not try to decide what to do with your horse. Set a date and start to think about his future then.

I agree with this completely. So sorry for your situation, it's awful.

But in the New Year, if you feel the same, I would, without a shadow of doubt, have your horse put to sleep if he was mine. He doesn't know about tomorrow, he will be at peace. There are two of you in this relationship, sick horses are too expensive to keep as pets, and you deserve the long relaxing hacks that you long for.
 

thistledonicely

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I am so sorry. This will all be taking a huge toll on you. Probably, my advice would be to release yourself from the burden of having to make a decision for now. Say to yourself you will have Christmas and New Year and not try to decide what to do with your horse. Set a date and start to think about his future then.

Sound advice from Wagtail there.

What an awful time you're having of it OP - take the time to get some breathing space, by the sounds of it you are able to at your friend's yard, and let time heal you a bit. Try not to put yourself through the wringer - what would you tell a friend in the same situation? Be kind to yourself and I'm wishing you all the very best.
 

Goldenstar

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I agree with this completely. So sorry for your situation, it's awful.

But in the New Year, if you feel the same, I would, without a shadow of doubt, have your horse put to sleep if he was mine. He doesn't know about tomorrow, he will be at peace. There are two of you in this relationship, sick horses are too expensive to keep as pets, and you deserve the long relaxing hacks that you long for.

This so right .
Be kind to yourself OP .
 

AShetlandBitMeOnce

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I am in a similar situation as yourself, with a diagnosis of something serious and degenerative, something that makes you ask 'how much pain are they in' when really they sort of appear okay, along with the financial side of it, which you would really rather not admit is a consideration, but it is and it makes the decisions so so much harder. You long for someone to give you an answer and 100% say yes, that is the right thing to do, even if it is PTS.

You love him, you have tried. You would not be considering this if it wasn't the only thing you have left and you didn't deep down think it was nearing the right time. If he were mine, I personally would PTS. You will be the only one hurting afterwards, and I think as though it seems that this would be the right thing to do.
 

atropa

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I'm so sorry to read this OP, if it helps I'm in a vaguely similar situation myself where nothing seems to be going right. Big hugs to you, be kind to yourself.
 

HollyWoozle

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So sorry to read this, OP. I just wanted to say that it's very admirable how much love and care you have put into his upkeep so far and you can rest assured that you couldn't have done more. I agree with other posters - give yourself and him until the new year, consider it again and if the situation is still the same then I think I would put him to sleep. It is never ever an easy decision but sometimes it is the right thing to do and actually a testament to how much you love him, not the opposite.
 
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