Totally lost confidence hacking - help.....

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Donuts

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Took my mare hacking today, hot day, sleeping as I got on so was looking forwards to a nice plod with my friend.
As we went down the road my mare was perfect but my brain was saying she is going to spook at bikes , walkers etc etc.
She never spooked but I got myself so worked up that I had to get off and swap horses with my friend .
This is happening every weekend and I feel such a failure as she does nothing, tries to eat the leaves but that’s it.
How do I control my brain as my friend is shortly going to get very sick of me ruining her rides.
 
Whereabouts are you? We may be able to suggest someone who can work with you to restore your confidence step by step. Do you have someone who can come out with you on foot or on a bike?

Why do you feel more confident on your friend's horse than on your own? I suspect that the answer to this question is the key to enjoying your mare again.
 
I am in Berkshire , what has distressed me is that I have gone backwards and 2 years ago would hack her with my friend and others, now will only hack with friend and only a very small route . A lovely hot day and I have ruined it.
(Don’t have anyone to come out on foot I afraid)
 
Donuts said:
Took my mare hacking today, hot day, sleeping as I got on so was looking forwards to a nice plod with my friend.
As we went down the road my mare was perfect but my brain was saying she is going to spook at bikes , walkers etc etc.
She never spooked but I got myself so worked up that I had to get off and swap horses with my friend .
This is happening every weekend and I feel such a failure as she does nothing, tries to eat the leaves but that’s it.
How do I control my brain as my friend is shortly going to get very sick of me ruining her rides.
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If you find the answer please share for us and many others.
 
Something has probably changed, it may have nothing to do with riding, that means you are lacking self confidence and looking for trouble rather than thinking about what is going well you are thinking about what if and feel you wouldn't cope if the "if" happens.
I had a livery who was similar and she overcame her nerves by learning how to deal with the what if's, developing her riding skills in general, keeping her within her comfort zone most of the time and just taking baby steps outside made all the difference, she did not feel safe hacking so we just did short routes, sometimes just a stroll after schooling, she was scared of riding in open fields so again we just walked at the end of a lesson until she felt comfortable enough to do a bit more, she overcame most of her fears even if she was never the most confident she had learned how to cope when things did go a bit wrong because she had the skill to do so.

I would suggest some lessons aimed at building your confidence and skill so you can begin to trust your own ability and in turn trust your horse.
 
Thanks, I have 2 lessons a week, these are a bit up and down.
My livery yard is full of competition riders so I don’t really have anyone but my friend to hack with and I do worry about what will happen if they ever leave. Your right I do worry, my friend is happy go lucky and does not need me to ride with so I sit at the yard all weekend waiting for herto turn up as she has a family so cannot commit the day before . I did look at moving yards but a yo said it would not solve my problem . I need to stop thinking I have failed !
 
You have to be determined. I would recommend Rescue Remedy and singing. . Does she hack alone ok? If so can you lead her on a short route? I’ve been where you are every time I have a break from riding so I know there’s a way back.

You may have to force yourself at first just to leave the yard. You can go to the end of the drive if that’s all you are happy with but you must set yourself up to succeed so baby steps is the key. If you can lead her, try leading her tacked up and if you feel like getting on do so. In my experience it’s about trust and you need to be able to trust her to look after you. If you do something often enough that trust will come.
 
I suffer hugely with confidence since I had a reasonably severe accident last year.

Do you find there are any other situations that make you worry? Or just hacking? I've found one thing that really really helps me, and that's to literally take things at my own pace. I don't think you need a particular incident to make you lose confidence, but once you have then admitting it, working out what you do feel comfortable with and sticking to that (even if it seems daft), is where you need to start to build yourself back up.

For me some days just getting on board was good enough. And I've worked from there. I still have good days and bad days. But the real turning point was letting go of how I used to felt, and just taking each ride as it came. So instead of 'This is ridiculous, I've jumped 90cm bareback before... now I can't even get onto a horse', I try to think 'I'm a little bit happier today than I was yesterday'.

Also this may or may not be useful to you, but I found riding on my own (with people around but with it just being me and the horse) has helped. Cause otherwise I felt like I was being a nuisance and holding people back when I didn't want to canter etc. At first that meant no hacking (too scary), but now I'm up to small hacks (recently upgraded to without my body protector), and any flatwork (again I recently upgraded to no body protector). My body protector was / is my safety blanket, although I will probably wear it in future once I have my confidence back, I hated the fact I felt like I needed it to even sit on a horse.
 
Your so right about the body protector, I would not dream of getting on without even though I never rode with one for 20 years. I do need to stop looking into the future and take each day as it comes x
 
Donuts said:
Thanks, I have 2 lessons a week, these are a bit up and down.
My livery yard is full of competition riders so I don’t really have anyone but my friend to hack with and I do worry about what will happen if they ever leave. Your right I do worry, my friend is happy go lucky and does not need me to ride with so I sit at the yard all weekend waiting for herto turn up as she has a family so cannot commit the day before . I did look at moving yards but a yo said it would not solve my problem . I need to stop thinking I have failed !
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A yard move could solve some of them, you are surrounded by competition riders, confident people who do not want to be involved with your problems, a friend who makes you wait for her because you need her not the other way round and a YO who obviously is not helping you in any way, a move to a less competitive yard may be what you need although I appreciate it is not always easy to find the right yard it would be worth looking around to see if there is somewhere more hacking focused or somewhere with a YO who would ride with you regularly even if it meant paying for that rather than lessons that may not be helping that much.
 
I did look around last year but to be honest I came up with nothing suitable as horse care wise my yard is good and also less expensive than others. I could move a increase my journey to about 30 mins trouble is there is no going back !
 
google Jo Cooper and TFT therapy. I recommend it a lot and have used it for hacking, mounting issues and for public speaking! I still don't understand how it works and am generally a wretched old sceptic at this sort of thing but hey, it worked for me. NLP can also help. You have my utmost sympathy, been there-got the t-shirt and its awful.
 
I have a livery in the same situation, and we are in the middle of breaking things down into manageable chunks. We go out on the same route every time, and just do what she is happy to do. Sometimes I go on foot, and sometimes on a horse - depending on how she's feeling. Sometimes we don't get off the yard, and other days, we do the whole route. I have to be quite firm with her, as she is inclined to squawk and shout, and pat her horse frantically for walking past things that the mare isn't even looking at - but we're getting there. The biggest hurdle we overcame was her admitting she was scared - it was the first step towards figuring out how to help her
 
Donuts said:
I need to be at your yard (smiley face) you seem very kind and patient
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If you'd heard me yesterday, saying "IF you let go of her head, you won't have sore hands - and stop squawking NOW" - You wouldn't think I was kind and patient! Tough love!
 
Think I need tough love because your right I know my position is wrong, my hands are pulling the reins and my legs are shaking !
 
I’ve got confidence issues - my fear was and is being taken off with, losing control. Slowly over last 12 months I’ve tested my little mare with this and she’s never failed me so I keep reminding myself of this, keep remembering the positive rides and use this to push myself just a little more. I hack on my own, it’s the same route, we travel to lessons and I’ve hired an indoor over winter to do something different. Different things just to keep things slightly out of comfort zone. I have a great instructor who gets us. Im nowhere near the jump on and hack anywhere mindframe, I may never achieve it but I do enjoy every ride now.
 
If you have a search on here, there is loads of helpful information. I am in exactly the same boat. I am going on a Confident Rider course at the end of June facilitated by Amanda Kirtland Page. It's 3 days at Hartpury College and I'm really looking forward to it . . . with a good deal of trepidation! I have also got Amanda's CD's (also available as downloads) and they do help. I'm going to Google TFT therapy now . . .
 
Dear OP , 99% of us feel like this sometimes and the other 1% have fallen on their heads too often. You will have good days and bad days ,work on and think on the good days .
 
Not read the whole thread, but my advice would be walk her out in hand, lots. Let her see scary stuff and let her realise that nothing will hurt her while she is with you.
 
Have you had any stressful or emotional events in your life that are not horse related? I only ask as when my marriage failed, I also became terrified to hack out. I was convinced we were going to be hit by any vehicle that passed us, or that he would spook and I would fall off. My daughter went with me a lot and as her pony is less reliable than my chap, there was no way I was going to swap. I would turn round after about five minutes and go home. Needless to say it affected my horse enormously and took years for his own confidence to return once mine had. BUT we are fine now. Can you go out with someone on a sharp horse? Then you won't have the option and may start to trust your own girl again.
 
Dave's Mam said:
I have a yard friend like you. She's worth her weight in gold.
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Me too! In fact just yesterday she saved me and taught me something. On the homeward stretch of the hack all the horses got a bit bouncy- then on the lane across the field came some motorbikes and about 1million walkers (that may be an exaggeration!) on some kind of organised ramble- this came after we went past a burnt out car (on the ridgeway this is not common!) and had a bunch of green laners behind us all up the byway, and low flying planes! ( I do love a Bank Holiday weekend on the Ridgeway lol) Anyway my boy began to lose his marbles, reversing backward, whirling about, cantering on the spot (very clever, he wouldn't do that if I bloody asked hahah) and I began to lose mine, I froze, I hunched forward, I said "I want to get off" a couple of times... My friend said "You're not bloody getting off, you can do this! start breathing again, shoulders back, relax your seat, weight in heels, let go of his mouth, kick on...." which I did, and although it was a very joggy ride from there on in, I was so chuffed that I'd ridden through it and I feel slightly more confident- but believe me I needed my friend there to remind me! That probably doesn't seem like much to many people, my horse is very well behaved most of the time, but for me it was a big deal, and I wouldn't have done it without my friend reminding me of how to ride!
 
Your very brave, I would have dismounted long before . I think that’s my trouble,I freeze and dismount without giving her a chance . I imagine what is coming up next and my brain just shuts down !
 
I could have written this post. My mare is a saint, but a bit a nasty fall from her over christmas (not at all her fault just an accident) left my confidence in tatters.
Like your mare she does nothing, but in my head she's about to spook/bolt/spin and soon enough I'm jumping off.
Over the weekend I made myself get on her. I made myself go for a ride. When the nerves started to kick in I just told myself it was ok and concentrated on my breathing or sang a song - anything to keep my mind off thinking the worst and to keep myself calm.
I'm pleased to say I managed a 1.5hr hack with her and didn't get off once.
So my advice is you CAN overcome confidence issues but you need to be patient and kind to yourself. Go at a pace you are comfortable with and build from there.
PM me anytime if you would just like a chat with someone who knows exactly what you're going through xx
 
Also just to echo what others have said, i was unlucky enough to be on a yard with a very unsupportive YO. she was very quick to criticise but praise was never given. I had my confidence torn down constantly. For example managing to ride down the lane after my fall - you should have ridden further, managing to ride along a hacking route I regularly ride on - you should go somewhere different. Managing to go to a hunt meet but left after the hounds where away - why did you bother going?
Not saying your YO is this bad but movinf yards made a huge difference for me. My new YO is a lovely lady who is so supportive and encouraging. Best thing I could have done changing yards xx
 
Think I might need to revisit this option as I think I am dreading the day my friend can’t ride - very old horse
 
Why are you happy on your friend's horse but not yours? I think this might be key to understanding why you're nervous. You say she's done nothing wrong but there must be a reason why you're nervous on her rather than nervous to ride full stop? If you have a mental block with her, you need to decide if you want to get over it or think about whether to call it a day with her and look for something else.

I've had a similar situation with a friend at the yard next door. I rode past to pick her up for a hack the other day. She wouldn't get on her horse but happily got on mine - even though she'd never sat on him before! I'm a bit big for her horse so after 10 minutes of him behaving perfectly I insisted on swapping back. Once she'd seen he was ok she got on him but wasn't totally at ease. We had a good chat afterwards and I said the same to her as I've said above. She decided to try to get over it but a few months on she's not much better and is now considering selling him and getting something else. He's not doing much wrong but she's got her self into such a state about him she can't see another way out.

If you do try to get over it, I can highly recommend singing - it regulates your breathing as well as taking your mind off the problem. Proper out loud singing mind, no mumbling under your breath ;)

Either way I hope you start to enjoy riding a bit more soon.
 
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