Trouble with the 'yard girls'

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katiebalmer

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Hello,
Just after some advice really. I've had problems at my yard ever since I moved there about 3 years ago. It's the sort of yard that if you're not in with the gang and do what they say, then you are a target for bullying. Unforunately I like to do things my own way (put whatever bit I like on my horse, put whatever rugs I like on etc) and they do not like it.
They have spent the last 3 years tearing me apart and I don't think I can take it anymore. I've literally tried everything. They had someone to target before me, and they'll probably be someone after me too. I have been riding for around 22 years (I'm now 24) and horses are a passion of mine, but it's getting to the point where I want to give up everything!
The yard owner does nothing about the horrible behaviour of these girls.
I've tried to find another yard, looked at loads but just none suitable. The facilities are fantastic at the yard, but what good is that if I hate going down there?
Hope someone can help, even if it's just sharing experience and talking me through what happened/how you made it through.
Thanks for reading!
Katie B
 
Well in an ideal world the YO would get rid of these girls, however given that doesn't seem to be happening I'd just leave and settle somewhere else where you'll be happier even without the facilities. Your only other option is to avoid them - go up late or early so you can just do your own thing.
 
What a difficult situation. I completely understand not wanting to leave a yard that has all the facilities that you want, so the only advice I can offer is if it's possible to avoid them and go up at different times I would try that. Out of sight out of mind as they say. Is it a big yard?
You could try to be really nice to them, even if you hate them, that sometimes works.
 
I would just ignore them and leave them to their witterings. Got to be thick skinned unfortunately in this industry.
 
Have you told the yo just how upset they are making you? It may be she hasn't realised whats going on.
I have been bullied on a yard and it was horrible, I only lasted a few months before leaving, made worse by yo joining in!! I'm now on a very basic yard with no arena, but we ride on grass. Everyone is friendly and I couldn't be happier, so if it comes to it, you can be happy without facilities :-)
 
Sorry to hear you're having such a crappy time. :(

What exactly is it these petty little twits are doing/saying to make you so unhappy?

My last yard had their little gang. I find that the reason that some people need a gang is because they can't stand by themselves.
 
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Katie, I've been there too many times, my heart goes out to you. Why, why, why some people in a sport that requires so much dedication take it upon themselves to make others lives a misery is beyond me.
You have two options basically;

1. Ignore them. And if you are confident enough, speak up and tell them that what they say/do is soooo insignificant to you, they WILL leave you alone eventually....but I've never been able to do that.

2. Move to a yard with nicer people...they do exist! You May have to compromise on facilities, but you may be surprised that the changes make a better solution for your horse, or make you a better rider.

Chin up chuck. Most bullies are only like that because they are jealous, insecure or are just plain nasty ( karma comes around eventually !).

Good luck. X



As you get older, you'll care less about what other people think... And grow into yourself. Be proud of who you are, what you do and what you get out of life. Life is a gift.
 
Hanson said:
As you get older, you'll care less about what other people think... And grow into yourself. Be proud of who you are, what you do and what you get out of life. Life is a gift.
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Poor you, that is miserable. For what its worth, its funny where your face fits and where it doesn't, so what ever you do, don't take take it personally. In my experience (and I have lots of it) happy people are nice people, so I guess if you really got under their skin, they have lots of issues/resentments etc, etc.

However, that doesn't help you here and now. There are 2 NLP techniques which may help?

1. The best, absolutely best defence is to just to appear to be happy - tough I know but when you see them, just imagine that they really like you and give them a really cheery 'hello', soon they will want some of what you are on.

2. The second is to 'teflon coat' yourself. Can you remember how Tony Blair, (love or loath) never ever reacted negatively to criticism? The trick is to imagine negative criticism just hitting your teflon coat and pinging back off. Just say something like 'OK I will give that some thought', or 'Fine Thank you for your Advice' (Teflon coating is what they put on frying pans so nothing sticks to them).

And thirdly, you really do care less about what people think as you get older, so in time the problem won't really matter.

Finally, you may want to treat them as an experimental 'learning curve'. If you can learn to manage them - then nothing else in life will ever phase you!
 
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I have been on a few yards and whilst most people are ok I find if I cannot avoid nasty people it is better to move yards, especially if you have reached the stage of not wanting to go there to see to your horse. I have competed on horses who only hack, you do not need facilities even if you think you do. I often treated shows as a schooling exercise. You might have to move yards a few times to find somewhere that works out long term. It is not a failure, change is part of life.
 
Good advice from everyone. Its so hard, I know, been in the same situation where I didn't want to go to do my horse. Karma will happen eventually you just may not get to see it. So frustrating when YO doesnt listen. It usually boils down to money. If there's another yard you like and can move away, then I would, it may be the best thing you ever did and will wonder why you put up with it for so long. Good luck making a decision.
 
All the facilities in the world are pointless if you cannot enjoy your time there, the horses should be your down time.
 
Thank you so so much for all your replies. For the lasts 3 or so years I have tried everything!! Ingoring them, going up at different times, being really nice! I'm going through the 'be really nice' stage at the moment. I say a very cheery hello to everybody they blank me!! And I can hear them talking about me round the corner, they either think I'm stupid or they are stupid! It's so sad people feel the need to do this to innocent people!
 
Move yards.

They will never change and all the best facilities in the world won't make up for being miserable.

You shouldn't have to move but it is the easiest way to deal with it!
 
Go round the corner and confront, ask them why the heck they're such massive bitches. Are they jealous of your ability? Are they there mostly for the social thing? I find confronting works well, stand up to the little cows. If they sneer at you and laugh, then go back to nicer than nice and just ignore otherwise. They're not worth your worry and if they see that you really couldn't care less, they will be gutted.

I don't know why there are so many nasty people in the horsey world, it's depressing.
 
If possible have a friend with you for support. Then isolate one of the bullies and ask them why they behave that way. Don't be emotional about it. The bully will be terrified and embarrassed, whatever she answers just say 'Oh right, that's really interesting' and move on. If you feel really brave ask them all together. My bet is that they would deny it all and say you are imagining it! Tell them that after 3 years they should have tired of their petty game and grown up.. and walk on. Don't get in an argument. Listen and be as unresponsive as you can. If they have an ounce of decency between them this might shame them into stopping.
 
cinnamontoast said:
Go round the corner and confront, ask them why the heck they're such massive bitches. Are they jealous of your ability? Are they there mostly for the social thing? I find confronting works well, stand up to the little cows. If they sneer at you and laugh, then go back to nicer than nice and just ignore otherwise. They're not worth your worry and if they see that you really couldn't care less, they will be gutted.

I don't know why there are so many nasty people in the horsey world, it's depressing.
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Yes, it is :(

I was going to ask you the same thing OP. Have you asked them exactly what their issue is with you? You don't have to be aggressive or unpleasant, but you could say something along the lines of 'hey, it seems that we don't really get along, I was just wondering why that might be? Why don't we all leave each other alone and behave like adults?'

If that doesn't work, I would be tempted to walk up to one (preferably the worst one) and just whisper in her ear 'I know' and then walk away. She'd have no idea what you know and possibly might then leave you alone...

I open this is resolved for you one way or another. Worst comes to it, move. A
 
There is another option that I would try before admitting defeat and moving and that is cornering the offenders (preferably separately) and explaining to them exactly how they are making you feel and ask them why, what they hope to achieve. Most (not all, but most) when confronted with someone being so reasonable and open and honest will realise they have been behaving like complete *****. Those that don't make this realisation really are the small proportion of humanity that is not worth bothering about and then you do have to go down the routes of either a)ignore them or b) move.
 
I certainly feel for you...

What exactly are they targeting for criticism/how old are they?

You need to think of this differently in my opinion - in the grand scheme of things, they are just some silly little people who take pleasure from being a-holes. What does that say about them? It's pretty pathetic isn't it? I think once you start to realise just how sad they are to be sitting around discussing you and your horse, really realise, they will stop concerning you. If you are confident in yourself and your own methods - and that doesn't mean you have to be perfect, you can recognise your own faults too - what they say is entirely irrelevant.

Now I know social pressure is a hard thing to overcome and feeling alone and excluded can be a downer. But you need to just rise above it and realise it's not worth the emotional investment. Everyone here supports YOU and knows that you are clearly the bigger person in this scenario. You aren't alone at all - you are in good company. And we all know those girls are stupid petty people with nothing better to do.

So chin up. Don't bother with them and just get on with your own thing. If they say things to your face, just shrug and say "thank you for your opinion" and move on. And if they do it behind your back, go on over and ask "why are you doing that?" and wait and see what they say. I find it empowering to just bluntly call people out. If you aren't the sort to confront, just ignore them. They only make a difference to each other - not you.

I wouldn't move yards over something like this - but I wouldn't blame you if you did. As others have said, if you can't find a way to change your own mindset so you can deal with their nastiness your own way, there's no point staying on somewhere with all the facilities in the world if you aren't comfortable using them.
 
OP take it from me.get off that yard as soon as possible before your sanity goes.been exactly where you are in the past.even if your new yard doesnt have all facilities.just get your horse and stuff and move....
 
aintgotnohay said:
OP take it from me.get off that yard as soon as possible before your sanity goes.been exactly where you are in the past.even if your new yard doesnt have all facilities.just get your horse and stuff and move....
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This having spent years on a yard with a bully I wish I'd moved sooner, horses are meant to be a pleasure and it's not with these people bringing you down. When I was on such a yard I ran it past the yard owner and he believed the bully that I was bullying her!! She's been asked to leave other yards but is now yard manager at the yard I was forced to leave. Such a shame as it was a lovely yard.
 
Firefly9410 said:
I have been on a few yards and whilst most people are ok I find if I cannot avoid nasty people it is better to move yards, especially if you have reached the stage of not wanting to go there to see to your horse. I have competed on horses who only hack, you do not need facilities even if you think you do. I often treated shows as a schooling exercise. You might have to move yards a few times to find somewhere that works out long term. It is not a failure, change is part of life.
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Most definately agree with this. You can stay somewhere where you are miserable but ultimatley all you are doing is wasting days you don t get back.
 
Thank you all so much for your replies! It has really helped reading your advice and knowing I'm not the only one out there!
They are grown ups - proper grown ups, the youngest must be 24 years old!
The only thing I can think of is that, from the outside, it seems I have everything. I am able to afford the best for my horse, the only reason being is that I work so so hard for it all and spend all my money on him. Another reason may be that when I got a new partner, who's a farrier, they all stopped talking to me and turned nasty.
Other than that I'm nice and I listen to people's advice and have tried my best not to loose any friends.
The most recent thing they have done is I had a girl looking after blaze (my horse) at the weekends as I'm always away and suddenly this weekend she doesn't want to help with blaze and is now helping out the girl who I think is the ring leader! So much has happened in the past with them there's too many incidents to list. One being I caught one of them (the current ring leader) stealing my horse feed.
They are trying very hard to tear everything apart, I am strong and I do stand up for myself, but there's only so much one person can take!
 
I have a theory that sometimes if folk aren t happy in their own lives they become really resentfull towards people they perceive to be in a much better place. Ive been in toxic situations and nothing i did made it better, its all very well ignoring them but its a lot of money you hand over to go somewhere you are not happy. I moved my horse to somewhere with no facilities, but its the best thing i ever did. Its a lovely feeling to turn up , see the horse have a bit friendly banter with no sneaking around and to come away again with no worry about whats happening when you are not there.
 
luckyoldme said:
I have a theory that sometimes if folk aren t happy in their own lives they become really resentfull towards people they perceive to be in a much better place. Ive been in toxic situations and nothing i did made it better, its all very well ignoring them but its a lot of money you hand over to go somewhere you are not happy. I moved my horse to somewhere with no facilities, but its the best thing i ever did. Its a lovely feeling to turn up , see the horse have a bit friendly banter with no sneaking around and to come away again with no worry about whats happening when you are not there.
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^^^ Couldn't have put it better myself. Life is too short, get out of there and go and be happy! I asked vet, farrier etc for recommendations of places to go - they get a good view and even if it's just places to avoid that can help!!
 
I think if I were you I would be looking to leave. You don't need facilities to school a horse and it is supposed to be for pleasure. Be sure when you leave you tell the YO exactly why You're leaving. I would be furious if I had clients causing others to leave. In the meantime there's been really good advice on here, try to remember it's their problem not yours.
 
If I genuinely liked a yard I wouldn't leave because of some sad idiots who liked to run their mouths.

Confront them preferably one at a time or take a horsey friend up with you one day and get at them. Show them that you don't give a rats ass about their opinions, having someone there who also isn't involved in the situation to observe will also make them feel stupid and show them up, also means they can't run to the YO and tattle.

I would also take up my earbuds and pop on music and use that to drown out their chattering and nonsense.

Sometimes ignoring isn't the way, small minded idiots take confidence fro the fact had you aren't fighting back and think you an easy target. I learned that the hard way that sometimes you need to toss dignity in a box for ten mins and just let rip. Shows them you aren't an easy target and makes them think twice.
 
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