Ungrateful, self indulgent post alert.

Charlie Bucket

Charlie Bucket

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Hoping for wise words but expecting a beating so I'm wearing my hard hat AND body protector....:D

Just wondering if you'd ever thought, seriously thought, about giving it all up?

I'm 19 and have had horses in my life as long as I can remember. I had my first pony on loan at 9, first pony of my own at 13 and first horse/youngster at 16. They are all I have ever lived and breathed.

I went through a phase a couple of years ago where my interest wavered, typically when I discovered alcohol, boys and partying. But after a few wild months, I pulled my head from my a** and re-dedicated myself.

Recently though I've been feeling really 'trapped'. Like I am young, have the world in front of me, so many choices and opportunities to explore. And having two horses to pay for, care for and ride (one being a difficult youngster) I feel like I am bound here forever. I hope this is making sense! :(

Don't get me wrong, I love my horses so, so much. They are both amazing. And the thought of parting with either of them breaks my heart. My youngster has come on so much, mostly down to my hard work. But I'm just not feeling the passion anymore, he is so young and talented and needs work and stimulation, and my heart just isn't in it. But again, the thought of letting him go, not watching him progress and our relationship being broken...god I'm almost in tears writing this!!

So basically, I'm really really stuck. Do I carry on and force myself back into it, hope my passion and dedication return, or do I make the hardest decision of my life and part with them? Is this just a phase? Is the world really that exciting or do I just have a case of 'the grass is greener'? :confused:

Sorry for my ramblings, my heart is just torn and I could really use some good HHO advice :(
 
Oh no :( I don't think you should feel bad about being honest, it's good that you have been honest with yourself because at least you can do something about it! How about part loaning your older horse out, to give you a bit more free time and cash, and then see how you feel after that?
 
I went through exactly the same thing (at 15 :o) and my parents sold my beloved chestnut TB. It was the right thing to do, i guess, but then again...

Back into horses at 19, and still here at 42 !

My suggestion, fwiw, is possibly to loan ? Even for a year or so, until you get things sorted in your head, and to give you time to think.

A very tough one - I still miss Sam today.
 
Sorry to hear this, as others have suggested have you considered share/loan or maybe selling one then you will have a bit more time. Maybe even sell one & get a sharer for the one you keep then you won't need to be as commited every day if you could get someone to do a few days a week.
 
Just sounds like your going through a rough spell! Dont worry we all went through this at your age me especially. But dont ever give it up or loan your horses out 'cause trust me you will most likely regret it ( i certainly did:() Keep your head up high and look to what the future holds for you and your guys 'cause it will be better with than without them :D
Hope you make the right desicion
 
I dont think anyone can say what to do in this situation, only YOU know how you really feel about your options.

I'm not much older than you (21) and have also had horses most my life. However, my long term loan got taken away from me and moved to brighton by the family who owned her when I was 18 and I decided I wanted a break from horses as as much as I loved being around them, it was really tough when my mare left.

I genuinely think it was the best thing i've ever done. I moved to NZ for a year then came home and started uni. Halfway through my first year I was banging my head against a wall and had to get riding again. I'm lucky enough to be able to live at home on the Isle of Wight and commute into uni.

So for me, the break was ideal. It gave me a chance to do something I would never have been able to with a horse at home, and it made mr realise that yes, I do want horses in my life even though it is devestating when they leave / injured / PTS etc.

I think you have more options then to sell up or stick with it. How about finding someone to loan your horse so you can have a break from riding but still be around your horses? Or giving the horses time out in a field whilst you have a break?

If you stick with it, you may end up resenting it and finding anything horsey a chore.

If you sell up, it could be a very large mistake. I would make absolutely SURE that selling is the right option for you before you commit, as its a lot hard decision to reverse in the long run.

Best of luck! :)
 
Hi, thank you for your lovely replies :). I know I am a very lucky girl to own two such amazing horses, so am feeling rather ungrateful at the moment.

To be honest I had thought about loaning. It's just so difficult thinking of my beloved horses going to someone else. I feel bad on them, argh I don't know!! My older mare would probably be easy to loan, she is semi-retired in light work ie hacking a few times a week. She can be sharp and stressy but is such a sweetheart. She just doesn't settle very well, and only really trusts me so I don't know how she'd cope. She would be perfect for someone that just wanted a happy hack that would love her with all their heart :).

My youngster on the other hand, is a handful. He's is full of manners but in the saddle can be a challenge. I think finding the right home for him would be a real task. Especially loan. And as pathetic as this sounds, the thought of somebody else bonding with him and bringing him on that isn't me, makes me feel oddly jealous. Blahh..

Again, sorry for my ramblings, this has all been pent up inside for a while and it feels so good to let it all out!!! Thanks again for your supportive replies xx
 
I think it's kind of normal to feel like that when you've had horses all of your life. I rode before I could walk, was brought up by a horsey mum who bred as well as competing and riding. After A levels I got a gap year job (with horses) working away from home Monday-Friday, coming home Friday night exhausted and having to do our own horses all weekend. After a year of this, at 19, I felt like if I never saw the equine form again it would be too soon!

I lasted a year before I was desperate to have a new horse again! Maybr a break is what you need - don't be too rash though, give it some real thought before you make any firm decisions.
 
Maybe loan out for sometime to give yourself some distance from them, it would be ashame to sell then regret soon after.

You clearly have your horses best intrest at heart so no shame there. I know of people who somehow forget they have a horse and leave the poor things to fend for themselves, leaving some in a shocking state.
 
Thought about selling my boy this week, had a good old chat to the OH, cried lots, realised I'd be devastated to never see him again, thinking of loan/working livery.

Find a sharer, loan them out, don't be in a position whereby you sell then regret massively. Just my opinion.
 
Dont feel guilty about feeling this way, you have a right to do what you want with your life at your age. You are young and should go and explore what else there is in life besides horses. Whether you loan, share or sell will have to be your decision but don't have any regrets whatever you decide because you have to follow your instincts, and it sounds like you need to spread your wings for a while.
I didn't get back into horses until my mid thirties after living a full life and having a family. Now I have a retired 24 y o field ornament and I am trapped into looking after him for the rest of his life. Dont get me wrong, I am happy with the situation, I have done all I wanted to do with my life and then with my horse. If you keep on doing what you are doing now, you will always wonder what you have missed in life and may regret not taking a break.
Don't feel guilty, go for it ;o) and Good luck
 
The way thinking about selling them, and them being gone forever, makes me feel kind of tells me that's not the right decision.

I really have been toying with the idea of loaning my mare, or even finding a sharer. My mum rides her too, so even if I could find a sharer to share her with my Mum that would be a big help. I just worry about her too much I think :).

It's my youngster that's causing me the most grief. As to what is fair on him and his future. I can't afford to pay somebody to carry on educating him while I have a break.

I'm feeling a lot better already just getting this out, and your replies are helping a lot, so thanks again. And sorry again for sounding whingy :)
 
You could always turn your youngster away for a few months. It would take the pressure off you, especially if your Mum and a part loaner take over the mare.
 
Thanks CT. :)

My grey is turned away at the moment and although plenty of people have nagged me about riding her, as she is now backed, but I am happy for her to have a break. She is still growing, she's safe (not coming to any harm mooching about with her mates) and I'm not in a rush to have her fully in work. This is partly because I want to train her on, but at the moment I'm bring my mare back into work and I don't have the time for two at the moment. Once the mare is going nicely I'll have the time for the grey. :)
 
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I think it's normal to have thoughts like this at 19. I remember being 19 (I'm 29 now) and I had my horse stabled at the uni where I did my undergrad. Uni was on the other side of the United States, 2000 miles away, from where my parents lived. I had to stay on the East Coast during the summers, as shipping my horse between there and Colorado twice a year was untenable -- too expensive and too stressful for all parties. I remember the summer after my first year, I was trying to get a working student job at a dressage barn somewhere out East and was having a crap time of it, as places that provided accommodation for myself and my horse were proving hard to come by. All my friends had left campus: some traveling abroad to cool places, most back home with their parents, and there was me, stuck, alone, 2000 miles away from family. I remember being in tears one day, marching into the barn, and saying to my horse, "This is YOUR fault!" Yeah, classy.

I occasionally had those moments in my early 20s, thinking, if I didn't have this horse, I could do x, y, or z, but the prospect of not having her always horrified me. I'd rather not do those things than give her up. I also think it's kind of the "grass is always greener" situation. The horse is mundane, everyday, your life because it's what you've done forever, and you see your friends spending a summer in Thailand or whatever and wish you could do that. Of course, your friends think you're the luckiest person, ever, having a horse, while going to Thailand's nice, but it's not a horse!
 
You could get sharers for both of them, on the same days, so you get half the week away from the yard to go out with friends etc.

You could loan to stay at present yard, so you still feel involved and can visit whenever. If you don't want someone having a long term bond with them, you could do a full loan at present yard for the summer next year. You'd have 3months to go travelling, work abroad, volunteer for a community project etc. If you make good use of the time, rather than just hanging out in your hometown with mates, you may come back refreshed and ready to get back to it. If your loaners are good you could ask if they want to stay on as a half sharer.
 
Turning away would be an easy option, that had also crossed my mind. When I say youngster, he has just turned 6 and has already achieved quite a bit, it is a work in progress. I just feel like if I turned him away he would go backwards rapidly and a lot of our work would be wasted. I am not an expert on this though, Faracat and Cinnamontoast, what would you say? Would it be a bad idea or not effect him much?

And Sugar_And_Spice, yes when I say a break, I mean something worthwhile like going travelling, exploring a bit of the world etc. Not giving up my horses to go down the local! :D haha. I do feel like if I did something like that, it would kick me up the butt and clear my head.
 
Ah that came out wrong I wasn't suggesting you want to out get drunk lol. Just you know how some people create spare time then do nothing with it and then feel like they didn't get a break. Go off and have an adventure! I gave up as a teenager and didn't realised how much I missed horses until I got back into it. If you've got two good horses and not sure you want to give up, I wouldn't sell.
 
I didn't think you were, sorry! Haha. I just mean yes I would want to go out and do something worthwhile :)

Thanks for your reply, truthfully I don't think I could sell. Especially after writing this and reading all of the lovely replies. It has helped clear my head a little. :)

Thank you so much everyone, you never fail!
 
I had a seven year gap when I discovered booze and boys when I went to uni! Don't feel bad about it, it's natural at your age
 
A seven year gap ! I lasted a year and a half.

OP what do you want to do then? Instead of horses I mean. I went to college. I wish I'd had the confidence to go to America on the teaching riding/travelling program I saw.
 
I took time out when I went to uni. Sadly first husband put pain to me having another so the gap was 10 years. Got rid of husband no 1, found lovely husband no 2 and got back into the whole horsey seen. Now have my two (and hubby has just suggested possibly getting another!!!!).

There are always people wanting to loan. Perhaps 12 months out would allow you to really think and make a more more permanent decision after that.
 
Sugar_and_Spice said:
OP what do you want to do then? Instead of horses I mean. I went to college. I wish I'd had the confidence to go to America on the teaching riding/travelling program I saw.
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Something involving travelling I think, and no horses :).
Perhaps to the USA, I have always wanted to go. But probably wise to wait until I am 21. Would need that long to save anyways!!
Or do some work at festivals - I am a real festival lover and travelling to them all, doing some work there etc would be amazing.
Go around Europe...goodness knows! So many places I would love to visit. :)

Once again, thank you for all your empathic, wise responses :)
 
When I was in my 20s, with small children & working long hours in London, I sold my promising youngster to my trainer & I put my mare out on loan . My mares loaner looked after her beautifully & I was able to keep in touch / go up & ride occasionally. The loan worked so well, that it lasted over 10 years. Now that my life has calmed down, I have horses again (including my old girl, who came home when she retired). At 19, it is perfectly understandable that you want to focus on other things for a while. It doesn't mean you have to make irreversible decisions re your horses.
 
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At 19 I was desperate to do anything to keep my horse. My family wanted me to experience something else. My dad persuaded me to put my mare in foal when I was 18. At 19 I had 2 to support and I was both desperate to do so and feeling the burden. I got forced to go to Canada for 3 months and my sisters looked after the horses for me. I enjoyed the trip but wanted to be with the horses. I am not sure if it was being made to be away from them but I never experienced wanting a break. I am relating this to say that you may find a short break is enough to get it out of your system. I still own the then foal 22 years later and would have missed out on so much had I not managed to keep them. I would just say take your time and really think through all the options. It is your life and your decision. Just trust your own instincts as they are usually right.
 
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