uni personal statement help!

moodymare123

Well-Known Member
Joined
29 October 2009
Messages
531
Visit site
hiya guys havent posted on here for a while so its nice to briefly be back! growing up now so have finally hit the stage in my life where i will have to pursue a career so applying for uni is on the list for equine science and management, and was wondering if someone can be lovely enough to give me tips on the start on my personal statement- many thanks!

If horse riding were not so difficult we would have plenty of professional riders and perfectly behaved horses working like clockwork robots. However horses are large and un-predictable animals so anyone working with them has to have vast and natural skills to work well with them. My aspiration is to have a fulfilling and rewarding career based towards equines purely because I am extremely passionate about them as throughout my life my family have been deeply involved with them before I was even born. I already have a strong knowledge of them from not only owning horses, but also from my role as a groom on a well-established large livery yard, which has really brought out my personal qualities such as patience, which is shown through working with disobedient horses. Dedication and responsibility are good qualities of mine, through having to fit in my education, work and my own horses, which in itself is a very big commitment. But with my organisation skills I seemed to of pushed myself through thinking positively at all times. My job has also made realize the blunt reality and you never know what is around the corner, but it makes me more curious as to what will occur. I always have an appetite for working hard which I clearly shown through competing in show-jumping and eventing, as the training that goes behind it is vigorous and consistent. I would love to be part of your course because I think it would be fulfilling to be around people in which have the same passion as me, and to be able to enhance my knowledge and experience would really excite me in the fact that I am able to look at equines from an educational and scientific point of view. I would feel having professional and very extremely experienced people will help me progress a lot further with horses as I have never had the opportunity to be around professionals due to lack of finances of having those people to educate me. My communication skills are very vast, and it helps that I am a horse owner myself so have experienced the emotions that are have to be dealt with, I believe it is an important skill to have when working with client’s horses as it will lead to a successful and recognized business. Through my photography AS I have learnt a lot of skills and from taking freelance photos from events, it is required that I schedule and fit myself within a deadline, and with a very specific brief. This has made me realise that I only ever give back the highest quality work. My charity work is also a big factor of my life, consistently donating money to The Brooke horse charity as I believe the deserve the best of care after what they have been though previously I have also raised money for charities such as Acorns Children’s hospice like through sponsored walks, as through personal experience it is a very close charity to my heart.
 
Hi, I wish you luck with your application to University.

I tried to read your information, but the first thing I think I would do is put it into paragraphs. A different paragraph to each subject, such as each part of experience you have.

I think it would be a lot clearer just for doing that, and then maybe people on HHO would be aboe to better help with any other improvements.
 
Agree - definitely paragraph, and start with you - the first two sentences can go, or possibly fit in later. I used to work in a sixth form college, so I've lost count of the number of these I've done, but my computer skills are limited - pm me if you want, and i'll send my email address so I can do it in word.
 
47 lines with paragraphs would be achievable.

I would go and do paragraphs first, agree with swilliam that the first three lines can go altogether.

Then I would slim down even single words, such as "My communication skills are very vast", the very would be better out anyway, as Vast is vast, is not different from very vast!

Just at random the last bit "My charity work is also a big factor of my life, consistently donating money to The Brooke horse charity as I believe the deserve the best of care after what they have been though previously I have also raised money for charities such as Acorns Children’s hospice like through sponsored walks, as through personal experience it is a very close charity to my heart."

Could be

"My charity work is also a big factor of my life, I donate regularly to the Brooke Horse Charity as well as raising money for charities such as Acorns Children’s hospice through sponsored walks".

There are many other places to re-shape but it would be so much easier with paragraphs.
 
I get my pupils to introduce themselves so they know where they have come from, How long have you ridden. What do you want from the course? What do you do with horse ? What do you hope to do as a job in the future?
 
Top