What am I doing wrong? :(

SatansLittleHelper

SatansLittleHelper

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For the first few days I had Alfie I was really taken with him but as time has gone on I'm struggling. Now I admit he has only been here a month so it's all brand new but after spending a couple of hours just chilling out with him this afternoon I can't shake the feeling I've made a mistake :( He doesn't seem to like me very much and is a bit grumpy...I have put this down to the fact that his routine is different to his previous home so settling in etc. I have only ridden him a few times and have caught him up just to brush him or feed him etc in an effort to establish the beginnings of a bond but I can't shake this constant niggling that I've bought the wrong horse and I need ideas on what to do before I cause a problem with him :(
 
Was he grumpy at his last home? Could his gut be a bit upset from the move, maybe a bit ulcery. It's a false perception that ulcers are limited to skinny racehorses. Plenty of overweight natives can have them too. Some horses are really inwardly stressy and even though he may seem relaxed he might not be very happy.

I would try a decent gut supplement like colligone or Equishure/Ritetrac from Saracen and see if that helps. Also make sure he has constant forage.

What's his routine, is he out 24/7?
It can take months or years to build a bond with a horse so don't write him off just yet. I'd spend more time in the saddle as well.
 
It definitely is early days. Many horses take a good six months to fully settle in, and IMO it takes around two years to properly bond with a horse. He has only just moved and it will take him a while to trust that his situation will not just change all over again.
 
From what I remember he was in work and clipped when you got him, I don't see the benefit from then leaving a new horse with little to no work, most will settle in if they are kept busy getting out and about, being brushed is hardly interesting for him, you will build up some trust in each other if you crack on and do what you bought him to do, if you need motivating to ride then you may benefit from finding a good instructor to help get you started before you start to make excuses and end up not riding him at all, after all the searching you need to give him a chance to prove himself.
 
Took me months to bond, I remember trekking up the hill with him and just wondering what the hell I'd done. He was very different to my previous horse and not really what I wanted. He was, however, exactly what I needed, still is.

You have to give it time. Why don't you get some lessons on him, just so an instructor can see how you are together and maybe give you some hints?
 
cinnamontoast said:
Took me months to bond, I remember trekking up the hill with him and just wondering what the hell I'd done. He was very different to my previous horse and not really what I wanted. He was, however, exactly what I needed, still is.

You have to give it time. Why don't you get some lessons on him, just so an instructor can see how you are together and maybe give you some hints?
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I don't feel like you can make a.decision for sure until you do more with him. Get him out and about as much as possible - do different activities and see how he is. You're not doing enough with him to decide if you like him. I would be on him everyday to get a real feel for him.
 
When I bought my lad and moved him home he was absolutely horrible. He was grumpy, bargey, aggressive in the field, overexcited, just really unpleasant to be around. If I hadn't had him on part loan/share at his previous home for a year beforehand I would have thought I'd made a terrible mistake. I kind of thought so anyway! I spoke to a nutritionist and got a gut balancing solution to add to his feed. That along with some good hard work and time to settle worked wonders and now he's just lovely. It took him a few months though.

He may also just like his own space. I enjoy short sessions of bonding time with Billy, and he can be affectionate, but I keep them short and leave him wanting more, as I know too long will make him grouchy. He'd generally rather be doing work or minding his own business.
 
I think its natural to have doubts in the first few months, I always do, its such a big commitment and we have so many hopes pinned on them, its a lot of pressure for them too. I just try to relax with mine initially and take no notice of odd behaviour while they settle in, they all seem to do something strange unless they have regularly been out travelling to different yards for events or shows. I try to focus on the things I liked when I chose them and get them confident with me before judging them too much or expecting too much from them.
 
You don't know each other well enough yet to either like or dislike. Most people on here seem to have a very odd idea of the 'bond' (whatever that is) between horse and owner. You build a relationship with any animal over time, as you learn to trust each other and rely on each other under different circumstances. You and Alfie will only get to know each other by doing things together, definitely not by him grazing and you watching him over the fence! If he really doesn't like you you will soon know, my mare and her previous owner didn't get on together, the mare bit/threatened and the owner took it personally - even though it started because the bridle was a poor fit and continued becasue the feed didn't suit the mare.
Spend time doing things with him, which involve you relying on each other. And give it time, as others have said, it can take months if not years for a horse ot settle in to a new home.
 
I have just had my new, 2nd horse for 2 months, a bit different as I bought him from lady on the yard so knew him a little. I have been taking him out as much as I can so we are doing lots of fun stuff together. He is only young so it is a lot of firsts for him but I think it really helps building a bond with him. When you are having adventures together you will get to know each other and learn to trust each other. You will also find out what he likes to do. Crack on and start enjoying him. If he has been in work he may well be getting bored and that is why he is a bit grumpy. Have some lessons, play some groundwork games, go hacking, go to a clinic, take him to the beach or clear round. Just do fun, low key stuff. Enjoy getting to know him, give him a chance and see how you feel in a few months.
 
Give him some time, it can take months for them to open up.
When I bought my big coloured cob I wasn't sure he liked me at the viewing but I put it down to his not having been handled much. He was very stand offish,even worse with OH. He was fine ridden but it just felt as though we were going through the motions.
That winter it rained and rained, so I put a lightweight rug on him. He stood stock still all the while I did the rug up - I never gave a thought that he had never been rugged before and when I turned him out he went absolutely apeshit. Galloped round and round the fields until he was drenched in sweat. Then suddenly he turned towards me, came to a skidding stop, and put his head into my chest for comfort. It was one of those moments that really forges a bond and he is now a soppy and affectionate horse.
This was about five months after I'd bought him, so give it some time and you will probably have a lightbulb moment. They come in the strangest circumstances.
 
As everyone has said - these things take time, believe me for other reasons I had a good couple of years blood sweat and tears with ebony, believing she was too much horse for me, not being willing to sell her incase someone lost their temper with her, I fell off her more times than I could remember and had so many ,what the hell have I done-/am I doing" moments, but I never wanted to give up on her because I couldn't bear the thought of her ending up in the wrong hands - I was always dedicated to keeping her - she became my horse of a lifetime.

I wonder if for you its a bit of a vicious circle, if this is what you are thinking when you look at the horse you either sell it or get over it, bringing it in for a brush or feed is going to do sod all if he can feel these waves of negativity coming from you. I wish you luck what prefer you decide.
 
Do things with him, get out and about. Do some ridden clinics, go for hacks. Put the fun back into riding for both of you. He's probably bored.
 
My pony is a miserable old sod. He always has been and always will be. I would get out and ride as much as you can. A friend of mine bought a arab to race, he never really bonded with him till he did endurance on him. The fact of spending hours riding him got him liking the horse.
 
I don't understand all this bonding stuff it feels like setting the horse up to fail as I think the horses you get that special extra thing with are the ones you work the most with .
I don't expect my horses to give me a bond actually I think that's rude it expecting something from them that you earn over time and work .
 
Don't worry still early days.......I still think that of my cob and had him ten years...sure he hates me......on a serious note it takes time and I bet in 6 months that feeling will have disappeared and you wonder why you thought as you did......for me I thought the same.......now I would not change him for the world....Chin up and Good Luck you will be fine :)
 
Goldenstar said:
I don't understand all this bonding stuff it feels like setting the horse up to fail as I think the horses you get that special extra thing with are the ones you work the most with .
I don't expect my horses to give me a bond actually I think that's rude it expecting something from them that you earn over time and work .
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I very much agree with this.
The very best bonds grow from mutual respect and trust and only time can build that.
 
I also think it take much longer to get feelings towards a horse that lives out. Even more if you don't do much with him.
I've had my new mare just over 2 weeks. I've taken her for inhand walks, as well as groomed her. Weve actually spent a lot of time together. She comes to call. Has called to me in a morning from the 3rd day :) The last few days she has started playing with things on top if the cabinet outside her stable, so is already coming out of her shell.

She is an ex racer and as I am no spring chicken I have a young jockey riding her for a couple of weeks until I am sure she is safe. So far so good

I am already really fond of her :)
 
I don't know your history but I assume you bought him to ride? So ride have fun. Don't look for something that is not there. The more you do the more you will get to know and like him.

Not sure about all this bonding business tbh.........it will probably come in time, but just get on with it. One of mine hates to be fussed. Doesn't bother me I bought him to ride and hunt. He is a grumpy git and evil in the summer but I don't care as that is not important.

Without wishing to sound harsh,and I know some will disagree, but he is a horse.....not a human. Yes we do form bonds with them but don't let that detract from the reason you got him in the first place.

Ride and have fun.........the rest will come.
 
You've had a heck of a year

don't over analyse the situation, take the pressure off yourself and relax a bit. tell yourself that its ok to be happy again and do give the horse a chance.
 
The yard you sent Jester to did a really good job with him, didn't it? Might it be a possibility to send Alfie there for a week or two? They could ride him for a small number of days to get him back in the work groove then you could ride him under their guidance, and get miles on the clock together.
 
Goldenstar said:
I don't understand all this bonding stuff it feels like setting the horse up to fail as I think the horses you get that special extra thing with are the ones you work the most with .
I don't expect my horses to give me a bond actually I think that's rude it expecting something from them that you earn over time and work .
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Exactly. He's a horse, not a lover - you can't expect to have instant chemistry ;)
 
WelshD said:
You've had a heck of a year

don't over analyse the situation, take the pressure off yourself and relax a bit. tell yourself that its ok to be happy again and do give the horse a chance.
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^^this. Keep chipping away, even if its just handling him or short hacks etc even in hand hacks (if you don't feel like actually riding) can help you build a relationship. The more you do with him (i.e. the more often, not building up to team chasing in a month) the better it will get.
 
It's also ok to have days where you think 'what have I done?', we all have those days especially with a new horse, slowly over time you start having more 'I am so pleased I bought him days' compared to 'I am not sure days'. It is completely normal, just bear with it for a while, try and enjoy the good bits and let the bonding stuff just happen over time. Do little bits and take small steps and if you can have lessons with somebody that helps build your confidence and partnership it will help, it's always nice for somebody who knows you to remind you how far you have come and what you have a achieved when your having wobble day :-)
 
As others have said don't over think it. You will create problems if you think negative about him all the time! He will of course sense that also. Think each day about why you bought him, and all the fab things he does - drop the negative stuff. Before you know it any little niggles will be so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things :)
 
I think I may have worded my OP wrongly. It's not about "bonding"...I totally get that it all takes time. I would never expect him to have instant respect etc for me...that comes with getting to know he can trust me etc.
Also to add that he wasn't doing alot of work before I got him but he was being brought in at night so not out 24/7.
I've only not ridden him much due to saddle issues but that's sorted now...I guess I wanted him to "like" me before I started working him :o
I've read through all the posts here and I know all this...it's the things I'd say to other people, now I just need to take a spoon of my own medicine as it were ;)
Overthinking things is a big issue of mine at the moment.
I'm going to bite the bullet and ride him tomorrow :)
 
SatansLittleHelper said:
I think I may have worded my OP wrongly. It's not about "bonding"...I totally get that it all takes time. I would never expect him to have instant respect etc for me...that comes with getting to know he can trust me etc.
Also to add that he wasn't doing alot of work before I got him but he was being brought in at night so not out 24/7.
I've only not ridden him much due to saddle issues but that's sorted now...I guess I wanted him to "like" me before I started working him :o
I've read through all the posts here and I know all this...it's the things I'd say to other people, now I just need to take a spoon of my own medicine as it were ;)
Overthinking things is a big issue of mine at the moment.
I'm going to bite the bullet and ride him tomorrow :)
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you have got your saddle sorted get into a routine of riding him get to know him properly before you get negative about him, you say his grumpy if his out 24/7 is there enough grass ? I know how horses can be if they are brought in and tied up hungry without a haynet they get very upset and can be difficult, have seen so many people struggle with this when something as simple as a hay net can make all the difference.
 
There is LOTS of grass so I don't think that's the issue. I think maybe I need to take a deep breath and try to be more positive around him. I'm having a tough time at the moment over losing my daughter and I suppose that could be rubbing off as negative energy :(
 
SatansLittleHelper said:
There is LOTS of grass so I don't think that's the issue. I think maybe I need to take a deep breath and try to be more positive around him. I'm having a tough time at the moment over losing my daughter and I suppose that could be rubbing off as negative energy :(
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so sorry about your daughter you are entitled to have days where you feel rubbish, It's easy to get stuck in a rut how about booking some lessons they can give you motivation to aim for better things do you have some friends you can hack with that can help with getting out, also thought do you think his enjoying being out I know one of mine loves coming in for his hay even when the grass is good he will still want in whereas my other horse is happy being out all the time, maybe it's just taking him a bit if time to adjust.
 
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