What to do when the yard bully

[skint1]

The best YO/M I found are the ones that know nothing about horses, in fact retired old dairy farmers are great!!

true words! All the best YOs I know are farmers, either dairy or arable, with livery as a sideline. God bless every one of them

 

[Illusion100]

Our YO's aren't horsey and have cattle. They are terrible, really couldn't be less concerned about the welfare of liverys and their horses. However we have very few rules and can pretty much do what we want with our horses when we want to.

OP, I'd ask the YM if there is something wrong with your money. As I imagine there will be nothing wrong with it, remind her you are paying for a service and being treated like dirt wasn't part of the agreement. You'll be having no more of it or you'll find someone else to give your hard earned money to that doesn't single out individuals for unfair treatment.

I think you have been very tolerant as your horse is happy but that doesn't mean you should be miserable because Mrs Too Big for her Boots has an attitude problem.

Really hope you get sorted either way.

 

[smellsofhorse]

Really, it he only option is to move yards.
If you are sure there isn't actually an underlying reason for her oddness with you then it's not going to change.

 

[Pedantic]

Sounds like foof kicking time to me. NOA

 

[fjordhorsefan]

Sounds like foof kicking time to me. NOA

Yup!

I had to leave a yard because my horse was being abused due to the YO not liking me (for no reason, I am the easiest person in the world to get on with). I had to move for his safety and welfare. I'm sure this won't happen at your yard, but do take care. I am at a fabulous yard now with a wonderful YO, and we have both never been happier! The bad atmosphere does rub off on them IMO.

 

[Lego]

Move! However settled the horse is, if you aren't happy there, it's time to move, especially if it's the YM causing the problems...

I was in a similar situation and really delayed moving as lovely set up, and horse settled. The relief when I moved however made all the angst over whether it was the right choice worth it

 

[Tally-lah]

That is such an easy phrase to trot out. The other one is that bullies look for a reaction, so if you ignore them they'll get bored and move on. So is one supposed to stand up to them, or ignore them? Which is it? Can't both be right.

I could almost be the OP, except the bullies are our neighbours. We have tried both approaches and neither have made the slightest difference. They are known for this behaviour in the local community and we've been told that the only way they'll stop is if they find a new target. We are simply the current target and their hobby is harassment.

Leaving is not so simple, as we would have to declare the existence of neighbours from hell to any potential purchaser. They should quite rightly be scared off - the alternative would be to drop the price by such a substantial amount that someone would take the risk. We can't afford to do that. Besides, apart from these neighbours the house and area are lovely, and we've made many friends, and we worked long and hard to make this house our own.

I think, before we found ourselves caught up in this, that I would have trotted out those easy off-pat phrases too. Now I think it's the same as the myths about domestic violence. Basically, it can happen to anyone - you think it couldn't, but you are wrong: it most definitely can. OP, you have my sympathy.

Such a well put response. I wanted to say something similar but you phrased it so well.

 

[california dreaming]

Its so disheartening to hear of all the bullying going on, especially by yard owners/managers. Let's hear of some really really good/supportive yard owners please. Ones that are professional all the time. Ones that don't go cuckoo now and then. Ones that know how to manage horses well, manage people well and manage yards well. Ha Ha. Come on, there must be some!!!! Anyone!!!!

 

[Alec Swan]

Sounds like foof kicking time to me. NOA

Good to see you back, me ol' son!!

Two words Off and ****. Sort them out, in what you feel is a suitable order, and deliver them. Firstly, find yourself another yard.

Alec.

 

[luckyoldme]

Its so disheartening to hear of all the bullying going on, especially by yard owners/managers. Let's hear of some really really good/supportive yard owners please. Ones that are professional all the time. Ones that don't go cuckoo now and then. Ones that know how to manage horses well, manage people well and manage yards well. Ha Ha. Come on, there must be some!!!! Anyone!!!!

My horse lives on a small holding owned by a lovely bloke. He is old school and worked with horses as a young lad. Its just the perfect arrangement..we look after the four horses between us giving each other time off as and when..one of the rare casual arrangements that works because we get on so well. I love being there... and with the help of the owner ive got a really happy healthy chilled out horse too!

 

[california dreaming]

My horse lives on a small holding owned by a lovely bloke. He is old school and worked with horses as a young lad. Its just the perfect arrangement..we look after the four horses between us giving each other time off as and when..one of the rare casual arrangements that works because we get on so well. I love being there... and with the help of the owner ive got a really happy healthy chilled out horse too!

Good to hear. Whereabouts in England are you? Please everyone keep them coming. Let's hear it for all the unsung horse hero's out there.

 

[Firefly9410]

Its so disheartening to hear of all the bullying going on, especially by yard owners/managers. Let's hear of some really really good/supportive yard owners please. Ones that are professional all the time. Ones that don't go cuckoo now and then. Ones that know how to manage horses well, manage people well and manage yards well. Ha Ha. Come on, there must be some!!!! Anyone!!!!

I have good yard owners! They are sane and sensible, have a few basic rules, experienced horse people who will help and advise if you ask but do not involve themselves in anyone else's business, so we can all care for our horses as we see fit. I absolutely love my yard and hope it keeps going forever so I never have to leave

 

[california dreaming]

I have good yard owners! They are sane and sensible, have a few basic rules, experienced horse people who will help and advise if you ask but do not involve themselves in anyone else's business, so we can all care for our horses as we see fit. I absolutely love my yard and hope it keeps going forever so I never have to leave

Thank you Firefly. I am beginning to have some faith again. Keep them coming. Also, would like to say sorry to OP for hijacking post but the message is "keep the faith. Be brave there is a whole horse world out there that is good. You just have to look. x

 

[Annagain]

I think I would start looking for somewhere else. You may not necessarily want to move at the moment but a backup plan wouldn't go amiss. The last thing you need is having find somewhere in a hurry and having to make compromises. Once you have another option, sit YM down and have it out with her. Ask for a set of written rules within 24 hours so you know where you stand or you will look for somewhere else (she doesn't need to know you've already found somewhere at this stage) then give it a week (explain to prospective new yard that you may need a week to make up your mind and offer a retainer until you decide) If it sorts the problem out, great. If not, you've got somewhere else to go.

I too have lovely yard owners and fellow liveries. Been there 11 years this year and planning at least another 11!

 

[honetpot]

I have never been bullied on a yard because I do not give a s**t, and that's the secret. She doesn't like you and wants to make life difficult and enjoys your discomfort, so take the pleasure out of it. If anyone asks you to do anything whether you like them or not say no. Rely on nobody and become totally self sufficient. When the YM has a go smile sweetly and ask what would you like me to do? Listen, smile and then do as you please. If needs be act stupid, 'how would you do it, can you show me?', make them work, nod at them as if you are hanging on their every word, never show how you really feel whilst perhaps thinking what a a....hole they are and depending how you feel looking for somewhere else, or planning their downfall. If they need to do this they are immature and insecure, so find out their weakness. Alright this may not work for you but do not think like a victim, bullies love victims.

 

[Fools Motto]

Would like to thank everyone for all support and advice given. I've read every post. Now, in case this YM of mine just happens to read this, I won't go any further on details publicly.
Hope no-one minds!! Just to thank one and all again. x

 

[Fools Motto]

I have never been bullied on a yard because I do not give a s**t, and that's the secret. She doesn't like you and wants to make life difficult and enjoys your discomfort, so take the pleasure out of it. If anyone asks you to do anything whether you like them or not say no. Rely on nobody and become totally self sufficient. When the YM has a go smile sweetly and ask what would you like me to do? Listen, smile and then do as you please. If needs be act stupid, 'how would you do it, can you show me?', make them work, nod at them as if you are hanging on their every word, never show how you really feel whilst perhaps thinking what a a....hole they are and depending how you feel looking for somewhere else, or planning their downfall. If they need to do this they are immature and insecure, so find out their weakness. Alright this may not work for you but do not think like a victim, bullies love victims.

This is my first yard after owning own place and renting off family privately. I did have high hopes as it started off so nicely. Wake up call now.

 

[JulesRules]

I agree with what Annagain said.

The other question is whether you think YM will get bored eventually and move on to bothering someone else? If so I'd be inclined to ignore the behaviour for a set period of time as confronting it might just stir it up more. If at the end of the set period it is still going on I would move, although I appreciate finding a suitable yard can feel like an impossible task - I looked at 8 or 9 over a period of 2 years so I feel your pain!

 

[conkers]

Another one with a fantastic yard owner. The key for me is that we are very much on the same wavelength when it comes to looking after horses. But i have been on a lot of yards before finding 'the one'

In your position OP, I would be looking for someone else. You just can't reason with some people and it sounds as if you have tried your best to do so.

 

[Carlosmum]

After reading my way through this post, once again I am thankful I can keep my horses at home. I have NO facilities, stables are a couple of pens in the barn, grazing has to be arranged around the farm livestock and for schooling either the field is too wet or too hard! but I wouldn't change it for the world ( unless we won the lottery!)

 

[Pearlsasinger]

That is such an easy phrase to trot out. The other one is that bullies look for a reaction, so if you ignore them they'll get bored and move on. So is one supposed to stand up to them, or ignore them? Which is it? Can't both be right.

I could almost be the OP, except the bullies are our neighbours. We have tried both approaches and neither have made the slightest difference. They are known for this behaviour in the local community and we've been told that the only way they'll stop is if they find a new target. We are simply the current target and their hobby is harassment.

Leaving is not so simple, as we would have to declare the existence of neighbours from hell to any potential purchaser. They should quite rightly be scared off - the alternative would be to drop the price by such a substantial amount that someone would take the risk. We can't afford to do that. Besides, apart from these neighbours the house and area are lovely, and we've made many friends, and we worked long and hard to make this house our own.

I think, before we found ourselves caught up in this, that I would have trotted out those easy off-pat phrases too. Now I think it's the same as the myths about domestic violence. Basically, it can happen to anyone - you think it couldn't, but you are wrong: it most definitely can. OP, you have my sympathy.

I have worked, in a professional capacity, with bullies and I can assure you that they choose their victims very carefully. However in OP's case she has a clear choice, she either stands up to the YM or leaves, in order to stop the bullying. Or she could choose to stay where she is and accept the YM's attitude.

 

[FairyLights]

OP best thing to do is leave.

 

[ester]

I would be tempted, every time she says something ridiculous to chuckle and ask her if she was serious given the amount she changes her mine .

I would also go above head and speak to YO, overseas or not.

 

[unicornystar]

absolutely 100% leave. You are paying money for either DIY or livery, either way you are a paying customer. I dont expect frills and spills from my DIY yard but I do expect a degree of common courtesy.

IF there is a problem she should have it out with you and find a resolution, but bullying for the sake of it is not on.

Horses are our pastime our pleasure, there WILL be somewhere else, I would be looking to move ASAP!

 

[Sleipnir]

OP, I am practically in the same position, only I'm about to move tomorrow. The yard changed owners and, although the new YO seemed promising and did a lot in facility upkeep, the situation has deteriorated drastically in areas that are more important - feeding and watering, and, besides, the YO is being a bully to those whom she, to put it simply, wants gone. I, along with several others, decided to vote with my feet and to invest our hard earned money elsewhere, where I'm respected as a client. Life's too short and I want to enjoy my time with horses! A pity, really, as the yard that I'm leaving is perfect facility, location and price wise.

 

[ChesnutsRoasting]

Bullies only bully those who allow them to do so. Either stand up to her, each and every time she has a go at you, or leave. Which ever course of action you choose, I would let the YO know about the unprofessional behaviour.

But doesn't that just excuse the bully? A bully gets a sadistic pleasure from bullying. I was bullied for years as a child by an older & stronger child on virtually a daily basis. I would defend myself vigourously, verbally & physically yet the bullying continued. Other than getting a cricket bat & applying it hard to the bullies head, I'm not sure what else I could've done to halt it?

 

[Arizahn]

is the yard manager?

She knows she has got to us, and she is enjoying it.
Whatever we do, something is wrong, and we are either told about it through others, a letter or given the silent treatment until evasion isn't an option and we're shouted at. If we were correct before, and then repeat it, we're wrong.
Can be anything as silly as feeding X amounts of hay, filling up water using the wrong tap/trough or having the dogs on/off lead in the right/wrong places!!

The place is so suitable, the horse is settled, the price is affordable and moving is surely just letting her win this petty battle.

Other liveries get away without poo picking, feeding at random times or not feeding at all, leaving their horses without water, and not reporting broken fencing. On one memorable occasion ym moaned to US about that livery NOT paying her bill! She is still here. Logic? Can't think of one apart from she doesn't like us.

Anyway, like a grown up, I have had words. Turns out she doesn't like my family member who looks after my horse when I can't. Charmed! Also turns out, she says different things to different people. I think she could be quite the candidate for story telling.
However, she is the YM, and we don't have many options, do we? Just feel for my family member who is doing ME the favour, and used to love doing so, now doesn't and from a strong brave person she has 'shrunk' back and it's horrid to have to think about, let alone deal with.

Suppose just want a hug. Sorry for ramble.

Let the ringmaster see to the rest of the circus; you have an elephant to manage. Also known as stop tolerating and/or enabling negative behaviour.

Re YM, clearly there are issues with communication. So cut out random chatter. Confirm any necessary information (horse needs to stay in for x on y date type thing) in advance by letter, or similar. Be polite and factual in these missives; they are not a place for feelings and/or opinions. Likewise don't gossip with other liveries about YM. If inadvertent conversation threatens to occur, avoid it. Walk away and be busy with your horse.

If something on the yard affects you directly (damage to shared fencing), deal with it yourself. If not, ignore it. Report genuine neglect/abuse to relevant welfare types. Obey whatever actual rules are laid out in your contract and ignore random changes unless you are given them in writing as being official. Buy your own hay, feed what your horse needs, ignore opinions on this unless they come from someone qualified to advise on the matter (vet etc.).

Give your relative a hug.

 

[Fools Motto]

Right, the last straw has been reached. Knowing that other unrelated good news will happen, and it will effect my current situation, I've been holding off and keeping tough brave pants on. Now, I can't wait. I can't quite understand why YM is doing what their doing!! Completely stark raving mad!
The gate to my personal belongings which I had tied shut after I had found it open a few times, and perhaps assuming it being the wind, or my numptiness not shutting it properly, had been CUT open. My stuff has been riffled through. Can't see anything taken, maybe the odd slice of hay, but all else tallies up with what I have used, just not where I have left it, or how I've left it.
All the other horses have been moved further away from mine, who has jumped out, and a hideous gate slammed shut so tightly I can't open it without slicing my hand open (done that!). It's all been done to make my life, and now potentially that of my horse more miserable and awkward.
I'm outa here....
Wish me luck finding the ideal next place. Got 1 month.

 

[ljohnsonsj]

Your money is as good as everyone elses, no reason for her to be bullying you.
Move to somewhere with someone who can show some more gratitude towards you and your cash

 

[Merrymoles]

Sounds like you have decided to cut your losses. I agree with all those who have said you should be enjoying your time with your horse, not dreading it.

Best of luck in finding a lovely yard that suits you both - remember it won't necessarily be the smartest or the one with the most facilities but with nice people you can deal with most downsides!