What to do when you know you and your horse are just not suited

[Troylimbo1]

Hi,

Haven't posted for ages but I come seeking advice.......

I bought my horse 3 years ago as a 4 year old. Long story short. He came from a dealer as an exchange. I never would have chosen a youngster and had originally got an older horse but after that not working out and HuuuuuuGGGGEEEE problems with the dealers I was offered this or nothing.

We have had our ups and downs but have struggled on, overcoming injury and bringing back in to work etc.

However........

We just have not clicked. I am nervous of riding him due to a couple of incidents (one bolting on a road and one bronking episode where I fell off).
He needs someone to 'tell' him what to do and I am only capable of 'asking' him.

I hear you all now saying young horse + nervous rider = disaster. BUT he is a truly lovely boy who 90% of the time is bombproof but its the unpredictability of him that worries me. He can go from dobbin to disaster in a flash. I will not go into open spaces with him I won't even canter him outside of the school anymore.

What am I asking I hear you say??

Well. My Dad who bought my horse for me and is heavily involved with mucking out/transporting etc at the weekends is very very upset with me over my decision to call it a day.
I am trying to get across to him that this really is the best thing for him and for me. He deserves someone much more fun and brave than I am and if I don't find a more suitable steed for my comfort zone I will not enjoy the riding I love.

I am wanting to show him this post so would appreciate some advice please.

Many thanks in advance

 

[sandi_84]

I feel for you sweetie, after all that hard work you still feel like it's not right for you I know that it can be difficult for someone outside the situation to fully understand how you feel (i.e your dad) especially when you'll have probably put a lot of money as well as time and effort into your horse but at the end of the day if you aren't happy or comfortable with him you are left with two options IMO.
1) get yourself a nice, sympathetic and experienced instructor to help you win back your confidence and if you go out hacking, only go out with someone experienced who has a TOTALLY bombproof steed until such time as you feel totally confident (in yourself and your horse) that whatever happens you can handle it.

Or

2) if you really are 100% sure that you have reached your limit of what you can do with your horse, sell him to someone you think would be more suitable for him and get shopping for your perfect horsey companion

It's a shame your confidence has taken such a beating, I know that feeling as does probably every other rider on the planet, and it can be a real struggle to get it back again. The only thing I would say is don't let your fears conquer you or it won't matter what horse you have or are riding as you will still feel (kind of) the same. You have to do what is right for you though!
Hope everything works out for you! xXx

 

[Kaylum]

Get someone to help you maybe? My friend bought a yearling and sent him away for backing. They had him 3 weeks and then they sent him back saying he was dangerous, actually he didnt settle and they had beaten him up. She had never had a youngster before, wasnt a great rider etc. but after many problems but the help of a very good instructor she now does 20 mile fun rides with him and dressage. She has had her teeth kicked out by him, fallen off and broken her foot etc. etc.

What I am trying to say is if you can get good help it might be worth keeping going.

 

[Apercrumbie]

What does your instructor say?

 

[Ibblebibble]

just as we don't get on or 'click' with every person we meet we also don't get on with or click with every horse we ride, it's not a failing on either side, just life. Your dad probably hasn't thought of it this way. I'm sure if you can explain to him that it's not you being ungrateful but you just haven't clicked with the horse he may see it differently.

 

[Troylimbo1]

I don't have an instructor as such but my YM who is very experienced and has helped me out in the past has (after being told to be brutally honest) told me that in her honest opinion that we are just not suited.

 

[Apercrumbie]

Well whatever you decide to do I really recommend you get an instructor so they can help you work through problems. Having experienced people around is hugely helpful and I'm sure your YM is fantastic but nothing can replace a private lesson with a good, sympathetic instructor. This must be a really hard decision for you to make so don't rush into it.

 

[LisaS]

Hi, I can sympathise with you totally. After i had my boy for almost a year I had come to the same decision as you, while I adored him, he was great to handle etc. he just had a few 'yeehaa' moments where I just couldn't stop him, had a bad fall on one of times & I became scared and we were just in a downward spiral, the more scared I got, the more we wound each other up. ( he was 6 when we got him)

I was not enjoying riding, was almost dreading it, so made the hard decision to sell, I was in tears at the thought, but I would have done it. Luckily my husband has taken him on, they get on like a house on fire, if has had a 'yeehaa' moment my husband is not scared and will tell him off. ( his yeehaa moment is just, I'm cantering, having a great time and I really don't want to stop, just go FASTER!) as hubby also races motorbikes as a hobby a horse going fast doesn't phase him !

I have never ridden him again after I made the decision, still love being with him and looking after him, just not riding. But I would have sold him if hubby hadn't taken him on.

I now have an 11 year old school master, ex show cob, seen and done it all, so laid back and well schooled,that he's a pleasure to ride. It's the best decision I ever made and don't regret it one bit.

So go for it, if you have now made the decision that he's not the one for you then don't be pushed into changing your mind, at the end of the day it's your hobby and should be pleasurable, not something you dread.

Sorry for the long post but good luck and keep us posted

 

[sleepykitten]

It sounds to me like you have already made your mind up. Having been in your shoes before, and having been sold a totally unsuitable horse in the past, I would say sell him if you're not happy. Life is too short and we buy these horses to have fun with and enjoy.

After trying for several years, it sounds to me like you have tried your best. Don't blame yourself, get rid and get something you are going to enjoy!

Just my opinion

 

[piebaldsparkle]

It costs the same in time and money to keep a horse you don't enjoy riding as one you do.

Have never been in your position, but have a couple of friends who have, neither regret selling their unsuited horses and buying another. Their only regret is they persevered for so long, as now have so much fun.

 

[Puzzles]

I agree that it sounds like you have made your mind up.
To be honest, I really do think it can be the hardest thing to admit when enough is enough. It sounds like your confidence is getting lower and lower, and the negatives of the partnership seem to be outweighing the positives. However the change would probably be best for your horse as well as yourself - as much as you deserve a horse that does not frighten you and that you enjoy riding, your horse deserves a rider who can give him what he needs.
While I can see where your dad's coming from, it's not as though you're 'giving up' and you can get another horse afterwards. Horses are an ridiculously expensive investment in terms of time, money and effort, and if you are not enjoying it then what is the point?
Well done for looking at the situation honestly - I admire you for it.

 

[Puzzles]

Double posted!

 

[Spot_the_Risk]

I'm in this position, with our home bred - a very tough decision, especially as she was bred to be my next, and probably last, horse - but we don't click. I think of her as family - I love her, but I don't always like her. Go with your gut feeling - God knows you've given it enough time.

 

[Mrs B]

*waves* Hi Troylimbo1's Dad! I hope you are reading this as it sounds like you have a sensible and thoughtful daughter who doesn't want to hurt your feelings, BUT

I'm guessing I'm probably about the same age as you (Dad, not daughter and if I'm older than you, please forgive me!). Here's the thing: I've been riding since I was 3, so 42 years now and in my time have played polo for the Brit Ladies U21 team, hunted, show jumped, run a livery yard, helped others exercise all types - not hugely high level stuff, but a fair amount of variety.

I have owned 3 horses in just the last 11 years. The first two I sold because, despite loving them to bits, we didn't 'click'. I was lucky that they both went to brilliant homes where they fitted in perfectly.

Did you want to marry every person you went out with? No.

In fact, many people spend more time with their horse than they do with their spouse (well, almost!) and rather like marriage, you DO get tough times, but your Chosen One is meant to be your best friend and the relationship is meant to be a fun and rewarding experience. Fear should never come into it.

If it's not fun and fear is there at all, then both parties are going to be unhappy.

A horse is not a belonging, a toy or a machine any more than a partner is.

It has to be right, and if at the end of the day, it's not right, it's time to change. If she doesn't it may put her off horses and riding for life.

 

[fjordhorsefan]

I agree with what everyone else has said. I have been where you are - I stuck with my last horse for 4 years, but we were just not suited. He was fab to handle, but we did not get on when riding at all - he was a stroppy cob, I was scared of riding him, and in the end I was too scared to get on him at all. I decided to sell him, and although I cried buckets when he was collected, it has been the best thing for both of us! He is getting used in his new home and is really happy (they still keep in touch!) and I have my horse of a lifetime who I bomb round the countryside on (which I never thought I would ever do!)

We spend too much time and money to be miserable, so go out there and get a horse you click with - you'll not regret it

 

[touchstone]

You need to find a good home for him and get yourself a horse you are confident on, no point making yourself miserable having to ride when you don't feel you've clicked.

 

[Troylimbo1]

Thank you all sooooo much for all your helpful advice and support.
It is the best and worst decision I have had to make in terms of horsey ownership
I am grateful to you all for listening and understanding and not being judgemental.

Thank you again and I will keep you all posted when I have shown your answers to my dear old Dad

 

[Tilda]

Wow you and I are in almost exactly the same position! I've had my mare for 2.5 years in the first year she had a few injuries that resulted in short periods of box rest. Then later that year we had a freak accident that resulted in me rupturing my spleen and having 3 months off riding. I had some help getting up the confidence to get back on her and this summer I thought we were finally getting there.

Come the winter and she has started bucking on hacks and has been throwing everything at me in the school to get out of work. My YM hacks her for me and loves her (but she is a bit tall for her sadly) so I decided to sell her and try and find someone like my YM who will enjoy her. All was going well until she learnt a new trick of refusing to canter in the school - not lame, had all checks twice and seems to be just another evasion technique. I just broke down how could I sell her without being able to canter.

I got to breaking point and asked my YM to call some dealers for me who offered me a pittance. I was willing to take it as the whole situation had got me so upset it was affecting everything especially my love of riding. Anyway I didn't have to send her to a dealer( I was beside myself as really didn't want to do this) as my very good friend is matching the dealers offer and having her to eventually sell on.

Sorry this is long but the end result is I feel an enormous sense of relief and realise I have been living in a constant state of worry for at least the last year, someone even commented the other day that it has taken 10 years off me. I have also found a possible loan horse who is great and I have fallen in love with riding again.

So don't beat yourself up you have given that horse everything and you have tried far longer than many people would have done - you should be proud of that. There will be a home out there who will love your horse for what he is and you will find your perfect partner.

Big hugs it is the hardest decision I have ever had to make but I am glad I made it xx

 

[frankie8]

I know what a hard decision it has been for you Kelly over your lovely boy. But you have to do whats best for both you and Limbo, hopefully you'll find someone that thinks he's the perfect horse for them and you'll equally find a horse that's perfect for you. I hope it all works out xx